Cheating partner

[Sadmum41]

I have just found out over the past week last Monday tbh that my partner has been using Escorts from a site called adultwork. He has a full profile everything and as I’ve dug deeper I’ve found the messages back and forth. This has from what I can see been going on from middle of march. And the messages are quite something to read. He’s obviously a seasoned visitor as asking for her to be showered and no perfumes or smelly stuff please can’t have the stupid gf picking up on a scent she’s got a good sense of smell. We’ve been together 5 years and I am gutted beyond gutted how could he why could he. I find myself at the age of 50 not knowing what to do I can’t look at him as I’m disgusted but I can’t imagine life without him I adore the idiot. We’re not married so no big divorce but I don’t know if I can forgive him and u don’t want to have to start all over again. I need to speak to him but I don’t even know how to approach the subject with him it’s not like you can just come out and say I was messages on your iPad how ling you been going to hookers for? Any ideas suggestions or an escape plan would be very accepted xx

You don't really love this man OP, you have formed a co-dependency. It happens when you've been with someone for a while. Splitting up also becomes much scarier as we get older - your health problems doubtless don't help either. But you can't stay with a man who uses sex workers, you really can't. Apart from the small matters of him blatantly cheating and trashing every ounce of your dignity, you would also need to get regularly checked for STD's. You sound lovely and worth so much more than to be treated like a bloody fool. I'm sure deep down you know that. Don't feel ashamed, the shame is not yours. Please make preparations to separate from this unwholesome man who doesn't deserve your love.

Oh OP, I really fear you’re going to accept and ‘forgive’ this, if you even confront him at all. 💔

Here again for my regular response. Please search for a site called punting UK ( I've just tried to find it but ATM it seems to be down , I'd hope forever, however that's unlikely) you'll see EXACTLY what men who use prostitutes really think about them . These are usually trafficked victims, who men buy consent from . Read the " poor " reviews in particular. Read them and tell me again how you " love the idiot" oh and get a STI as has been mentioned above.

If it was me, I would quietly and quickly make a plan to leave.

What do you want out of a confrontation? Because the only thing you’re going to get is lies and more lies. You might also get a cold cruel response that will traumatise you. Protect your mental health from this abuser and say nothing. There’s no explanation that can justify what he’s done.

No he’s not away just now he’s been home since Friday afternoon, he’s sitting downstairs just now on his iPad prob looking for his next one. he went to meet one on Friday afternoon after he finished work while I was at work it’s not just been while away he’s met them here too last Sunday for a 15 min of fun while doing his Tesco shop for work that was the first message I found. My friend says the same it’s been going on ages not just since march. My ex husband did this to me too but it was a swingers website he joined.. he marrys her in July

You sound in denial. You might love the idiot but there are things a partner can tolerate and then there’s the unacceptable.
I would be telling him no way is he coming to Las Vegas. If he’s downstairs just say it: I know you’ve been paying for sex. I read the messages including that your GF is an idiot with good smell. Disgusted and think you should do the right thing and let me enjoy Vegas without you there. We will have to sort out what we do but my head and heart isn’t in discussing it further atm.

So have you confronted him yet?

Oh my lord op, this is devastating, could you book in somewere for a week or so, airbub or premier inn, walk out after telling him you know, you don't need his excuses op, you need time to think, you need time to find your strength,

Wow a quick shag while out shopping, he's got this down to a tee hasn't he,
Booking.com now give yourself some head space,

You don't need to have a talk with him. Nothing to discuss. You just need to accept it is over and kick him out. There can be no coming back from this if you have any self-esteem above ground level. He is not going to change, and what he has done cannot be undone. Its tough to face being out of a relationship that you wanted, and with health issues, but there is no alternative. I am sorry OP, you need to tell him to get lost, find your anger, find your resolve somehow that you will not be treated like this, and mean it - he has to go. Don't leave it - if you do that it will just seem to condone what he has done - which is to betray you, lie to you, expose you to STD infection, and exploit other women. Its sad about your 50th and Vegas, but there it is. My 50th was miserable, for other reasons and its not the end of the world. Be strong, stay strong, and stay on here up to and beyond your birthday, for support. Will be here if you need to vent. Sending big hug. 💔

Why would she say this to him, as though there was some future to them? Kick him out - simple.

So she has time to come to that conclusion herself if that’s what she wants to do. No brainer. I’d be kicking him out but reread OPs posts. She sounds in denial, worrying about starting again, had similar happened before so her head and heart be all over the place. It’s easy for us MNetters to always cite LTB but not so easy for someone who’s life been devastated and who feels in some way emotionally connected. Just because you’re not meant to feel a certain way doesn’t stop you feeling it. Takes time to get to that place and end of day whatever she decides is her choice.

What’s the housing situation @Sadmum41? Does he have a right to stay there - is it joint , do you have a right to stay there?

It’s a council house my name he is on the paperwork that he lives here just not the missive. I packed his bags and put them on the doorstep for when he walked the dog I took the dog and his keys and locked the door on him. The messages I’ve found are from at least 5 women different areas hotel at Edinburgh park. Someone in a camper van in holyrood park someone in lesmahagow when he parked up for the night. I’ve been an utter tool devoted wee girlfriend sat at home video call every night all is good. I’m away to the clinic 1st thing to get tested

Well done. You’ve done the right thing. It’s hard but you’ll be glad you found out and got that scumbag out of your life. Block him now on everything. Telephone number, email, social media. If he comes back to the house call the police. Don’t even answer the door to him. He’s gross.

Well done OP sounds as though he’s addicted. Take care

'The stupid girlfriend' did he actually say that?! That's the nail in the coffin

Hey OP ..
Sorry to hear your story .. Some blow to get , very upsetting 😔…
There’s no coming back from that…
Reading your story , I’m just wishing for you to find the strength to get rid of him now sooner than later ..
You can do it .. x

@Sadmum41, kudos for standing strong for yourself and putting him out.

This is such a heinous betrayal, You must be reeling that your ‘Partner’ is a prolific punter who rents women’s bodies after work, while running errands, and most certainly when on the road. These 5 women are most certainly a drop in the bucket.

His destructive, morally bankrupt behavior is entirely on him. Neither you nor your health issues are responsible for his active choice to dupe you, steal your agency, and risk your health. That he feels entitled to buy the consent and body parts of potentially trafficked/vulnerable women is sickening. To this misogynistic type, all women are inherently ‘less than’.

@Sadmum41, stick to your guns and don’t let the gutter-rat crawl back in with manipulative tales of woe or a charade of caring. He needs to understand in no uncertain terms that he has permanently lost all of your trust, respect and adoration.

Well done for chucking him out.

Those feelings of love towards him are just an emotional time lag. Once you’ve got over the shock and come to terms with who he actually is, they’ll disappear. It seems like you are already close to that point.

You are amazing do not let anyone tell you otherwise, time will help but be kind to yourself, you were and are not the problem, and are now a bit older and wiser and shut of the completely sad basket.💕

How are you OP? You did a great thing, what is the aftermath like?

The aftermath is awful I’ve never felt such physical and emotional pain in my life. I had to get sent home from work on Monday I just wasn’t there and very emotional. I’ve been signed off from work with anxiety and stress, I’ve lost 5kg since Friday as I can’t eat. My son has no clue why I’m crying all the time. Him he took Monday off to try to talk to me so I agreed to talk we met up neutral place and not getting back in the house. Turns out he has done it before when he was married to 1st wife don’t know if she caught him but I’m thinking yes. Had an affair with 1st wife 7 years in to marriage with 2nd wife lasted a month and moved back to 2nd wife. So I had some questions that I wanted answered. And wow! I asked how long 12 to 18 months was the reply!! So that blew my next question out the water was how many? I also wanted to know what? And where which blindsided me again as he said easier here as he doesn’t have a car when he’s got the truck. So all the early Sunday morning trips to Tesco while I had a lie in and Friday afternoons while I was at work and Saturday and Sundays up until last September when I gave up working weekends that must’ve killed him. No sneaky shags while I’m at work. I’ve been thinking more and there are so many more questions I want answered whether he will say is a different story but I just want to know everything. Maybe I can then begin to understand why my ex husband joined a swingers site as he wanted a wee spice up had to be a woman though I couldn’t suggest a guy oh no! and my ex boyfriend would rather go with hookers than come home to a partner who loved him and did everything he wanted and more. Where I go from here I dint know back to just me and my youngest son I suppose. Face my future by myself I’ve got a couple of great friends thankfully as I’ve not got any family left, but they don’t want to be bothered with all my crap all the time I’d lose friends quickly that way. So basically 2025 has turned out to be an absolute arsehole of a year and were only in April. In the 4 months so far I turned 50 my partner turns out to be a disgusting shit using escorts for a year and a half that’s a 1/3 of our relationship. I had a Ct scan last week to check for cancer of the bowel and the day after a smear again as they’ve been yearly for 3 years because of abnormal cells. I shall never forget the 11th April 2025 and the fall out!!

I don't know what to say OP. You deserve so much better.

Oh lord op, this is your rock bottom now, he put you there, but right now you need to heal, how long this takes god only knows, but you can only go to ' rock bottom before you start going up again,

You need to take care of you and your son, just one day at a time, but you will heal op, but you have to look after yourself first, your grieving your marriage, it's been an ewful start for you this year, it's OK to ' fall to pieces ' but then when your abit stronger you'll put the pieces back together,

It's unforgivable what your h has done, sounds like he's being honest now, which again it's very hard to listen to ' yes we want to know it all, we pick at it , chew it over and over,

Please take time and look after yourself op,
Keep a diary how your feeling each day, sometimes it's good to write it down,