Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating partner

76 replies

Sadmum41 · 13/04/2025 14:01

I have just found out over the past week last Monday tbh that my partner has been using Escorts from a site called adultwork. He has a full profile everything and as I’ve dug deeper I’ve found the messages back and forth. This has from what I can see been going on from middle of march. And the messages are quite something to read. He’s obviously a seasoned visitor as asking for her to be showered and no perfumes or smelly stuff please can’t have the stupid gf picking up on a scent she’s got a good sense of smell. We’ve been together 5 years and I am gutted beyond gutted how could he why could he. I find myself at the age of 50 not knowing what to do I can’t look at him as I’m disgusted but I can’t imagine life without him I adore the idiot. We’re not married so no big divorce but I don’t know if I can forgive him and u don’t want to have to start all over again. I need to speak to him but I don’t even know how to approach the subject with him it’s not like you can just come out and say I was messages on your iPad how ling you been going to hookers for? Any ideas suggestions or an escape plan would be very accepted xx

OP posts:
Eagle2025 · 13/04/2025 14:06

I had an ex cheat on me with hookers through adultwork. As it happens I just saw texts on his phone and didnt realise what they were (the way they were worded was confusing as they referred to work or jobs so I wasn't 100% if he was cheating). When I spoke to him about the texts eventually he came clean about everything and then of course the texts made sense.

Why can't you just confront him?

GoldBeautifulHeart · 13/04/2025 14:10

Make sure you get screenshots so can't deny then leave his ass. Stupid gf? He'd be dumped for that alone.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/04/2025 14:11

@Sadmum41 it’s perfectly possible sadly to still love someone but not want to be in a relationship with them, no reason you can’t remain friends if you wish to ( I wouldn’t) - I would work out your way forward from a practical angle and then just say you are ending it and why - with all plans in place - unless of course you feel you can get past this - he won’t stop though- they never do - just hide it better - I’m so sorry - men are twats in so many cases - dick lead

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2025 14:11

Oh no.

I could never forgive this. Denigrating you to strangers, OP, and possibly carrying home diseases?

ReesesCupcake · 13/04/2025 14:14

You don’t need the proof to just leave this pig.

I doubt he cared that his money can’t really buy consent, or for the welfare of you or the women involved. He put your sexual health at risk, for what?

I certainly wouldn’t feel bad for sharing with him you’ve seen this all on his iPad messages either - if you were snooping and had suspicions, you were proved right in this instance. Approaching him with any concerns would not have resulted in any confession, would it?

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/04/2025 14:21

Who owns the house? If it's you, remove him, if jointly owned it'll have to be sold or one buys the other out.

Males who use prostituted women are the lowest of the low. Consent cannot be purchased.

The happiest women statistically are single, childfree women, so by dumping the boyfriend you'll be actively improving your life.
There's little point in confronting him or arguing with him, such a man considers women are for him to use, treat him with cold disinterest.

Omgblueskys · 13/04/2025 14:47

Sadmum41 · 13/04/2025 14:01

I have just found out over the past week last Monday tbh that my partner has been using Escorts from a site called adultwork. He has a full profile everything and as I’ve dug deeper I’ve found the messages back and forth. This has from what I can see been going on from middle of march. And the messages are quite something to read. He’s obviously a seasoned visitor as asking for her to be showered and no perfumes or smelly stuff please can’t have the stupid gf picking up on a scent she’s got a good sense of smell. We’ve been together 5 years and I am gutted beyond gutted how could he why could he. I find myself at the age of 50 not knowing what to do I can’t look at him as I’m disgusted but I can’t imagine life without him I adore the idiot. We’re not married so no big divorce but I don’t know if I can forgive him and u don’t want to have to start all over again. I need to speak to him but I don’t even know how to approach the subject with him it’s not like you can just come out and say I was messages on your iPad how ling you been going to hookers for? Any ideas suggestions or an escape plan would be very accepted xx

Aww op your 50 years young, remember that,

You don't need to talk to him, you know, you're seen, it's done,

dont give him the chance to worm his way out of this with , am sorry, am depressed, felt we were going through a rough patch, whatever he says you'll never trust him, or even look at him, imagine him touching you now 🤢 you need to do a test,

Do you live together? Sort you finance out, of course you love him, but how he refers to you when txt them, op your worth more than this surely

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 13/04/2025 14:56

Surely you wouldn't stay with a man who did this?! Especially as you presumably don't have children together or anything!

Piggled · 13/04/2025 15:04

Men who buy sex from women are deeply entitled misogynistic twats.
I could never be with a man who had paid prostitutes. Cheating aside.

please have some self respect and dump this loser.

WxyzWxyz · 13/04/2025 15:28

I don't see how you could stay with a man who uses prostitutes.

It's a life style choice: men who buy women don't change. And they are deeply disgusting misogynistic low life .

You don't need to approach him about this. Why give him the chance to lie and try and con you into giving him another chance?
Make whatever plans you need to leave the relationship. And then leave it. You don't owe him.anyrhung.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.

Original poster
Sadmum41 · 13/04/2025 15:32

We do live together we don’t have kids together. He hasn’t said anything about be in the messages just that no perfume or smelly things it was me that said the stupid girlfriend but he hasn’t mentioned me at all. I’m trying to book in to get tested asap and we are meant to be going on holiday in 3 weeks my big 50th birthday present to vegas. I have a lot of health issues kidney failure and bad arthritis in my hip and knee. Maybe it’s all been too much for him I dunno I just don’t know what to say to start the talk we need to have. He works away and I’ve never not trusted him but now I will be thinking he’s with someone wherever he ends up of a night (he’s a trucker). I’m ashamed embarrassed and utterly gutted

OP posts:
Piggled · 13/04/2025 15:35

Sadmum41 · 13/04/2025 15:32

We do live together we don’t have kids together. He hasn’t said anything about be in the messages just that no perfume or smelly things it was me that said the stupid girlfriend but he hasn’t mentioned me at all. I’m trying to book in to get tested asap and we are meant to be going on holiday in 3 weeks my big 50th birthday present to vegas. I have a lot of health issues kidney failure and bad arthritis in my hip and knee. Maybe it’s all been too much for him I dunno I just don’t know what to say to start the talk we need to have. He works away and I’ve never not trusted him but now I will be thinking he’s with someone wherever he ends up of a night (he’s a trucker). I’m ashamed embarrassed and utterly gutted

Yes your health issues were clearly so tough for
him he had to buy a woman’s body and put his dick in it.

you start the conversation with, I know you have been paying women for sex. Please pack your bags and leave.

Eagle2025 · 13/04/2025 15:38

Piggled · 13/04/2025 15:35

Yes your health issues were clearly so tough for
him he had to buy a woman’s body and put his dick in it.

you start the conversation with, I know you have been paying women for sex. Please pack your bags and leave.

Show quote history

100%. Its not even as if he can pass it off as a moment of drunken madness. This is cold calculating stuff e.g. asking her not to wear perfume in case you notice it on him.

He will have been doing this for years, he wont stop. He will try and find a way in his own head to justify it.

Go to Vegas on your own or with a friend and have a great time.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/04/2025 15:45

@Sadmum41 sorry but it’s rife amongst truckers- lots of opportunity . His casualness saying no smells makes me think he’s been at this probably quite awhile- so sorry OP - you sound lovely

2025willbemytime · 13/04/2025 15:48

Something has happened that means you still "adore" this "idiot" and don't seem to have found any anger or kicked him out yet.

I divorced at 52. It wasn't scary on one hand as I had no choice even though I tried to stay for a while. I found my self esteem, self confidence, self respect, steely strength and ice cold determination. He didn't know what had hit him.

I suggest you do the same.

AdoraBell · 13/04/2025 15:50

This would a deal breaker for me. I would forward the messages to my phone/email or screen shot/take pictures of the messages with my phone. Then I would confront him and show him the evidence when he makes excuses, then kick him to the kirb.

Olika · 13/04/2025 15:52

How disgusting. I agree with PPs he has done this a lot as he knows to avoid perfumes etc.
I don’t think there’s a point in making it more complicated or overthink it. Just tell him you have seen the messages and it’s over. Then concentrate on practicalities to get through everything. And absolutely get tested.

TipsyJoker · 13/04/2025 16:06

Sadmum41 · 13/04/2025 15:32

We do live together we don’t have kids together. He hasn’t said anything about be in the messages just that no perfume or smelly things it was me that said the stupid girlfriend but he hasn’t mentioned me at all. I’m trying to book in to get tested asap and we are meant to be going on holiday in 3 weeks my big 50th birthday present to vegas. I have a lot of health issues kidney failure and bad arthritis in my hip and knee. Maybe it’s all been too much for him I dunno I just don’t know what to say to start the talk we need to have. He works away and I’ve never not trusted him but now I will be thinking he’s with someone wherever he ends up of a night (he’s a trucker). I’m ashamed embarrassed and utterly gutted

First of all, you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You’re not the one paying women to jizz into.

Second, he will be using them every time he’s away.

Third, you having health issues is no excuse for him to buy sex from other women or to sleep with other women or even entertain other women. He’s either in a committed relationship with you, in sickness and in health, or he’s not. That’s what a partnership is. If he suddenly had some health issue would that make it ok for you to start sleeping with other men? Not only that but buying them? No. It wouldn’t.

Don’t say anything to him. If it’s your house, wait till he goes out, pack up his shit, change the locks and text him to come and get it.

Don’t explain anything to him. And get an std test immediately. Not only has he lied to you but he’s buying other women to have sex into and putting your health at risk in the process. He doesn’t give a fuck about you so get rid of him, take your best friend on your holiday to vegas and have a great time!

Good riddance to bad rubbish. 50 and fabulous for you now.

Omgblueskys · 13/04/2025 16:08

Sadmum41 · 13/04/2025 15:32

We do live together we don’t have kids together. He hasn’t said anything about be in the messages just that no perfume or smelly things it was me that said the stupid girlfriend but he hasn’t mentioned me at all. I’m trying to book in to get tested asap and we are meant to be going on holiday in 3 weeks my big 50th birthday present to vegas. I have a lot of health issues kidney failure and bad arthritis in my hip and knee. Maybe it’s all been too much for him I dunno I just don’t know what to say to start the talk we need to have. He works away and I’ve never not trusted him but now I will be thinking he’s with someone wherever he ends up of a night (he’s a trucker). I’m ashamed embarrassed and utterly gutted

Op is he away right now, are you thinking, wait until he is home to have this conversation, well you don't need to wait, txt him to say, you know he has been paying to have sex with others, and your done, that's it,see what he comes back with,

no excuses or reasons could make this OK, op, how bloody disrespectful of him, and the fact he's a tucker, well that's never going to change,

Name change for holiday, take a dear friend or family member,

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/04/2025 16:09

This is very black and white - you tell him you know he's been cheating and paying for sex and the relationship is over.

pikkumyy77 · 13/04/2025 16:13

Sadmum41 · 13/04/2025 15:32

We do live together we don’t have kids together. He hasn’t said anything about be in the messages just that no perfume or smelly things it was me that said the stupid girlfriend but he hasn’t mentioned me at all. I’m trying to book in to get tested asap and we are meant to be going on holiday in 3 weeks my big 50th birthday present to vegas. I have a lot of health issues kidney failure and bad arthritis in my hip and knee. Maybe it’s all been too much for him I dunno I just don’t know what to say to start the talk we need to have. He works away and I’ve never not trusted him but now I will be thinking he’s with someone wherever he ends up of a night (he’s a trucker). I’m ashamed embarrassed and utterly gutted

Well you can’t trust him. That ship has sailed.

Sassybooklover · 13/04/2025 16:16

You may have only found evidence from mid-March, but I can guarantee that your partner has been paying for prostitutes for a very long time, probably years. Most likely even before you ever got together. He essentially compartmentalised his life - his life with you on one side and his trucker life on the other. You definitely need to be tested for STI, because you don't know if he's using protection. Please don't stay with him, you'll never trust him again and you'll tie yourself up in knots every time he leaves to work away. In the end you're self-esteem will be non-existent. He may see the sex with the prostitutes as merely physical, and there's nothing else, other than a business transaction. However, the fact he's engaging in sex with them, means he has no respect for you or his relationship with you. Yes, you do need to talk to him. I would start by being matter of fact. 'How long have you been paying for sex whilst working away'. See his response. If he tries to make excuses or denies it, then again say 'I'm not interested in your excuses and lies, answer my question'. And very firmly state you KNOW, it's not a suspicion. You need to be assertive, firm and take no bloody nonsense from him.

CautiousLurker01 · 13/04/2025 16:24

Sorry, but you do not what to do. You just don’t feel able to.

You need to end it and kick him out of your life. You managed without him until 5 years ago, you can again. My DGM met the love of her life at 62. Had a wonderful 20 years and said all the crap marriages/men were to prepare her for him. She never lost hope that her soul mate was out there - you mustn’t either, because this arsehole is not him. You deserve better.

Eyerollexpert · 13/04/2025 16:33

OMG, why are you making excuses for the grot bag? Get a grip and leave him or kick him out. Have some self respect you deserve better and being on your own is 1000% better than a cheating basket that you can't trust to keep his dick and money in his pants. Whose name is on the holiday booking? I hope it's yours? Then change his name to a friend or family member and go and start the beginning of the rest of your life.Flowers

GreyCarpet · 13/04/2025 18:05

I'm 50. Been with my partner for nearly 4 years. Engaged and live together so not the exact same position as you but similar.

If I discovered this, it would be over. I wouldn't even have to think about it. I know how I work and the words would be coming out of my mouth before I'd even technically made a decision.

PPs are right. You might have only discovered this now but his message makes him sound like a seasoned punter. He's probably been doing this for years.