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Original poster

Partner changes mind each week,confused, sad,needing insight and support

79 replies

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 06:22

Hi ,met partner 2 years ago.leading up to him i had plenty of therepy due to my past. The first 12 months was lovely.we fell in love,and partner would occasionally mention us getting married and living together. By 16 months the relationship hadn't progressed. In ways like..we were still only seeing each other 2/3 times a week and for 2 of those times it was a couple hours max. We have been on holiday and our ages are early 40s me,almost 50 him..for the past 3 months we have hit a wall and a circle pattern and I dont know what to do. We have had talks of the future and this man keeps changing his mind weekly. The 1st 12 months he wanted to live together after a couple years of dating. For the past 3 months it's changing weekly from I want it one day,but I cant give you a date,to,I'm not sure if I can ever see myself living with someone again. I myself, have stuck solidly to i want to live with someone in the future, im not in any rush,my youngest is 18 and disabled,so I'm happy for a few years of dating and then move in. The 2nd issue is,he's looked at live apart together and he feels that would work whilst we are waiting for the right time. The issue we are having is the following . For me to feel close,secure and connected to him,I need to see him for the majority of the week. I understand work,hobbies and friends as well,but I feel for this to work,it has to be more than a couple eves in the week of 3 hours and 24 hours over the weekend. When we tried to talk this through,he panics. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him,just that he's absolutely terrified of the future,moving forward. He has something stopping him from jumping in feet 1st. He said he hates how he is being and it isn't fair on me as its mixed signals and it's breaking us apart.he doesn't understand why he keeps having these wobbles and pushing me away. I've suggested therepy,but he's refused,as he hasn't found it helpful in the past. I love this man,I know im going to be told to leave him,and I understand why,but I just cant understand where and why this is happening?.I did say about ending it yesterday and he was breaking his heart, hugging me and asking me not to leave. He's frustrated with himself and the way he's being and I'm hurt because I can't believe it's like this now,not after the wonderful times we have had.
Please be kind

OP posts:
ImmortalSnowman · 13/04/2025 06:29

Is your disabled child going to be living with you for the foreseeable future?

Assuming he doesn't have children as you don't mention he has family as part of his time commitments. You are not in the same place in life. He wants to date and see you a couple of times a week as that is his lifestyle. You want commitment.

Make it a clean break and move on. Emotional blackmail on either side is not healthy.

abracadabra1980 · 13/04/2025 06:33

I'm sorry OP but he absolutely isnt ready to live with you or commit, now, or ever. At 50 we know ourselves reasonably well. Please don't waste any more time on this man.

ApolloandDaphne · 13/04/2025 06:37

You are both in different places. He is happy with the relationship with no great level of commitment and you want more. How much care and commitment does your disabled child need? Will they always need to live with you? He is maybe worried that he will have to be involved in their care and support at some level?

TreesWelliesKnees · 13/04/2025 06:41

It sounds like an anxious (you) and an avoidant (him) attachment style. A similar issue broke up my last relationship, but in my case I was the avoidant one. I feel very suffocated when someone wants to live in my pocket. There's nothing inherently wrong with either style, but you may not be a good match.

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 06:44

My disabled daughter will in time be able to live alone,she gets on great with him. He has an 18 year old child he sees regularly.
I just cant understand (maybe I'm not meant to)why someone keeps changing their mind weekly. He says he doesn't know why he's so scared,and that he loves me and can't bare to lose me and he knows he's messing up and hurting us,but wants to try to get back on track.
I'm back in therepy to make sure I'm ok ,whilst going through this. I'm just desperately sad , I finally after years of the wrong people,meet someone who isn't like any ex and then this happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 06:48

TreesWelliesKnees · 13/04/2025 06:41

It sounds like an anxious (you) and an avoidant (him) attachment style. A similar issue broke up my last relationship, but in my case I was the avoidant one. I feel very suffocated when someone wants to live in my pocket. There's nothing inherently wrong with either style, but you may not be a good match.

I did feel he maybe is a fearful avoidant from some brief online searches. I feel like I was pretty secure until the last few weeks. I have no issue with him doing his own thing,but I cant see how I can feel close for the next 10 years potentially, seeing him for 2 x3 hours in the week and one day/overnight on the weekend.

I think people are right,he's happy committed, but at a more casual way. I think i need to make a decision:(

OP posts:
TacCat49 · 13/04/2025 06:58

I read the first couple of sentences and thought "nope, why are you letting him make all the decisions. Come on girl, why aren't you the driver of your life?

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 07:15

I think since you both have teenagers this would be the wrong time to move in together. I would let them have the stability for as long as they need it (within reason) before you even start to think about living together. I'm guessing you are not looking to have kids together so there is no rush. Once your DD moves out you might also actually find that you appreciate living on your own. I know I did when my last child moved out. I got to know myself if a different way. I think it's important to try that as well rather than just move in with someone else straight away.

BlondeMummyto1 · 13/04/2025 07:19

What’s his past relationships been like? Has he been hurt in the past or is he a long term avoidant who’s never lived with a woman?

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 07:21

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 07:15

I think since you both have teenagers this would be the wrong time to move in together. I would let them have the stability for as long as they need it (within reason) before you even start to think about living together. I'm guessing you are not looking to have kids together so there is no rush. Once your DD moves out you might also actually find that you appreciate living on your own. I know I did when my last child moved out. I got to know myself if a different way. I think it's important to try that as well rather than just move in with someone else straight away.

I'm absolutely fine with that,what I'm struggling with,is,his fears and mind changes. And how I can feel close and supported and loved by someone who only wants to spend 2 eves and one day with me a week. He wants more,but then panics and pulls away and we end up in this circle.

OP posts:
TreesWelliesKnees · 13/04/2025 07:28

TacCat49 · 13/04/2025 06:58

I read the first couple of sentences and thought "nope, why are you letting him make all the decisions. Come on girl, why aren't you the driver of your life?

She will have to end it with him then, because you can't make another person change who they are so that you can be the driver of your life.

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 07:29

BlondeMummyto1 · 13/04/2025 07:19

What’s his past relationships been like? Has he been hurt in the past or is he a long term avoidant who’s never lived with a woman?

He has lived with two women,both for around 6 years. The last one ended around 8 years ago,and he lost everything, homeless, in debt, and he has alot of trauma from that. He has dated since,but this is his 1st serious relationship since her. He just has crippling fear and then he pulls away

OP posts:
RoachFish · 13/04/2025 07:30

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 07:21

I'm absolutely fine with that,what I'm struggling with,is,his fears and mind changes. And how I can feel close and supported and loved by someone who only wants to spend 2 eves and one day with me a week. He wants more,but then panics and pulls away and we end up in this circle.

Show quote history

I think I can relate to him as I work a little bit the same. I have gone through a terrible divorce and now I easily feel suffocated and I panic a bit if I feel like someone wants to take more of time than I am prepared to give. I am fiercly protective of my independence because I fought for it for many years so when a man is trying to move things along quicker than I am comfortable with I just go the other way. I think he does want to be with you but he doesn't want to feel pressured to move in together, to merge your lives more etc. It's not because he doesn't like spending time with you, otherwise he wouldn't be so confused about how he feels, it's just that for him your current pattern and level of committment works well. When you try to ask for more of him he retracts, then he panics because of that so he tries to give you more, but that goes against how he really feels.

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 07:36

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 07:30

I think I can relate to him as I work a little bit the same. I have gone through a terrible divorce and now I easily feel suffocated and I panic a bit if I feel like someone wants to take more of time than I am prepared to give. I am fiercly protective of my independence because I fought for it for many years so when a man is trying to move things along quicker than I am comfortable with I just go the other way. I think he does want to be with you but he doesn't want to feel pressured to move in together, to merge your lives more etc. It's not because he doesn't like spending time with you, otherwise he wouldn't be so confused about how he feels, it's just that for him your current pattern and level of committment works well. When you try to ask for more of him he retracts, then he panics because of that so he tries to give you more, but that goes against how he really feels.

Show quote history

Thank you so much ! As a partner,sometimes it's so hard when your feeling emotions to see the other person's views. This is helpful. Yes,I think he thinks by me wanting more time ,that will take away from his independence. I'm not trying to do that ,I'm desperately trying to be understanding and compromise etc. So what do I do? Do I sit back,and nothing changes,do I leave,do I stay?

OP posts:
Birdseyetrifle · 13/04/2025 07:54

He sounds like my perfect man. I stay well clear of relationships and one of the reasons is I don’t want to spend all my evenings and weekends with someone. I like my space.

ApolloandDaphne · 13/04/2025 07:55

I think you either have to accept this is how he is and he can't give you more at the moment or walk away if you want more.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/04/2025 08:01

I think you need to think less about analysing him (fearful avoidant attachment style) and more about what he is actually SAYING. It's very easy to be with someone you love who is telling you that they actually don't like you as much as you like them and to go off and endlessly Google to reassure yourself that it's not that they don't utterly adore you, it's that they have ... some disorder that someone had dreamed up on the internet.

He doesn't want what you want. So you have to decide, either to continue as you are, or to break up. The ball is in your court. You have the power.

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 08:06

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 07:36

Thank you so much ! As a partner,sometimes it's so hard when your feeling emotions to see the other person's views. This is helpful. Yes,I think he thinks by me wanting more time ,that will take away from his independence. I'm not trying to do that ,I'm desperately trying to be understanding and compromise etc. So what do I do? Do I sit back,and nothing changes,do I leave,do I stay?

Show quote history

I would stay, enjoy the fun parts of the relationship but live independently, but that is because I am me and the older I get the less I want to ever live with a man. I know that some people much prefer to have someone around all the time so if you are one of those people you will probably never be fulfilled in this relationship unfortunately. I do think you should wait and see how you feel when your DD moves out though, with a disabled child you have done an awful lot of caring for a long time you might just come out of it realising that only having to care for yourself is bliss.

BlondeMummyto1 · 13/04/2025 08:20

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 07:29

He has lived with two women,both for around 6 years. The last one ended around 8 years ago,and he lost everything, homeless, in debt, and he has alot of trauma from that. He has dated since,but this is his 1st serious relationship since her. He just has crippling fear and then he pulls away

Show quote history

Ahh. It’s understandable he doesn’t want to risk being in that situation again.

My friend is in a similar situation but they split their time at each others homes and live between the two.

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 08:25

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 08:06

I would stay, enjoy the fun parts of the relationship but live independently, but that is because I am me and the older I get the less I want to ever live with a man. I know that some people much prefer to have someone around all the time so if you are one of those people you will probably never be fulfilled in this relationship unfortunately. I do think you should wait and see how you feel when your DD moves out though, with a disabled child you have done an awful lot of caring for a long time you might just come out of it realising that only having to care for yourself is bliss.

Show quote history

Some great points there ,to give me food for thought. I will definitely have a good think

OP posts:
Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 08:28

BlondeMummyto1 · 13/04/2025 08:20

Ahh. It’s understandable he doesn’t want to risk being in that situation again.

My friend is in a similar situation but they split their time at each others homes and live between the two.

Show quote history

I fully understand why,and I've been through very similar,so i also am scared of it going wrong. Hence not wanting to rush the living together etc. He wouldn't want to split our time between his and here,he likes his independence and likes some alone time(I do to,maybe not to his extent)so I think to him that would feel too much
I think what others have said is the truth. He wants this level of seeing me without the pressure of stepping up and seeing more. I have to either accept that,or leave

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/04/2025 08:29

Birdseyetrifle · 13/04/2025 07:54

He sounds like my perfect man. I stay well clear of relationships and one of the reasons is I don’t want to spend all my evenings and weekends with someone. I like my space.

Me too. And it’s definitely more and more common now for mature people who have been divorced/have teens/young adult DC to want an exclusive living apart relationship. It’s the dream of many of us.

But obviously OP this isn’t for you.

Though be careful what you wish for. There’s really not a huge pool of older single men out there and the ones who want a full on cohabitating relationship tend to be the ones looking for a nurse with a purse.

So don’t end a relationship that’s otherwise really good without working together to come to an arrangement that suits you both.

Everystripesays · 13/04/2025 08:31

He says he doesn't know why he's so scared

People generally say this when they know they don't want any further commitment but try to preserve the other person's feelings.

If you're content with things how they are then I'd carry on, but be aware he might never want to progress.

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 08:32

@TwistedWonder I agree. His level of independence is a huge green flag. So many men just jump from living with one woman to living with the next because they want someone to look after them. This man has been badly burnt before so he has created a life where he doesn't need anyone, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want anyone special in his life.

Jennalong · 13/04/2025 08:32

Have you spent any extended time together . Gone on holiday , weekends away , lived in each other's house for a week at a time etc ?
How did that go ? And if you never had then why not .
That would be a red flag for me .