Partner changes mind each week,confused, sad,needing insight and support

[Baileys38]

Hi ,met partner 2 years ago.leading up to him i had plenty of therepy due to my past. The first 12 months was lovely.we fell in love,and partner would occasionally mention us getting married and living together. By 16 months the relationship hadn't progressed. In ways like..we were still only seeing each other 2/3 times a week and for 2 of those times it was a couple hours max. We have been on holiday and our ages are early 40s me,almost 50 him..for the past 3 months we have hit a wall and a circle pattern and I dont know what to do. We have had talks of the future and this man keeps changing his mind weekly. The 1st 12 months he wanted to live together after a couple years of dating. For the past 3 months it's changing weekly from I want it one day,but I cant give you a date,to,I'm not sure if I can ever see myself living with someone again. I myself, have stuck solidly to i want to live with someone in the future, im not in any rush,my youngest is 18 and disabled,so I'm happy for a few years of dating and then move in. The 2nd issue is,he's looked at live apart together and he feels that would work whilst we are waiting for the right time. The issue we are having is the following . For me to feel close,secure and connected to him,I need to see him for the majority of the week. I understand work,hobbies and friends as well,but I feel for this to work,it has to be more than a couple eves in the week of 3 hours and 24 hours over the weekend. When we tried to talk this through,he panics. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him,just that he's absolutely terrified of the future,moving forward. He has something stopping him from jumping in feet 1st. He said he hates how he is being and it isn't fair on me as its mixed signals and it's breaking us apart.he doesn't understand why he keeps having these wobbles and pushing me away. I've suggested therepy,but he's refused,as he hasn't found it helpful in the past. I love this man,I know im going to be told to leave him,and I understand why,but I just cant understand where and why this is happening?.I did say about ending it yesterday and he was breaking his heart, hugging me and asking me not to leave. He's frustrated with himself and the way he's being and I'm hurt because I can't believe it's like this now,not after the wonderful times we have had.
Please be kind

Having left a relationship exactly like this at the end of last year I can relate to everything you say entirely. You’re doing what I did and taking all the blame and questioning yourself and if what you need is reasonable. The reality is the relationship is entirely on his terms dictated by his schedule and his need for space. I decided for myself that I was never going to be happy with that arrangement and when breaking up with him said i need to find someone that wants to spend time with me as much as I do with them (not every minute but who is excited to make plans and I don’t feel like their last priority and just there at their convenience). That person may not exist but I’d sooner give myself the chance to find someone on the same page than be with someone that is ultimately not interested in whether I’m happy or not. It seems from this thread a lot of people are looking for relationships without a huge amount of quality time. Let them find each other.

Hi OP,
I have seen your update and I'm sorry things are rough at the moment.

I just wanted to ask about this post. It sounds like when you go round in the week you cook for him? I hope you don't do that every time? I hope he also cooks for you or at least takes you out/buys you a takeaway regularly?

Thank you. I'm glad I updated and I'm sorry you went through this too. I have been blaming myself and I do need to work on some of my own behaviour, but before I met him,I was so grounded and secure,but the hot cold push pull has mentally changed me. I belive he definitely has some kind of avoidant issues.. he has always said he hates being alone,well now he loves it,needs lots of it...but he isn't having any alone time,he's filling his time with hobbies,friends, etc like normal. He said living with someone and doing chores makes him go ugh.. and he wishes it could be like it was at the start (which i interpreted as,no pressure or need to see me,just when he felt like it). It hurts. I now have my head to deal with. I flip from remembering the fun and what I thought we have to how im feeling now. The one thing that has also affected me. When I told him last week how something upset me. He smirked and was trying to hold back a giggle. So now,I heal .

Hi,thanks for responding. So we would cook together. Alot of the time I would provide the ingredients because he was busy at work. And then I eased up on that,because one time,he said he was too busy to get the ingredients due to work,and then let slip he was with his mates surfing. So he did have time,he lied.