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Original poster

Partner changes mind each week,confused, sad,needing insight and support

79 replies

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 06:22

Hi ,met partner 2 years ago.leading up to him i had plenty of therepy due to my past. The first 12 months was lovely.we fell in love,and partner would occasionally mention us getting married and living together. By 16 months the relationship hadn't progressed. In ways like..we were still only seeing each other 2/3 times a week and for 2 of those times it was a couple hours max. We have been on holiday and our ages are early 40s me,almost 50 him..for the past 3 months we have hit a wall and a circle pattern and I dont know what to do. We have had talks of the future and this man keeps changing his mind weekly. The 1st 12 months he wanted to live together after a couple years of dating. For the past 3 months it's changing weekly from I want it one day,but I cant give you a date,to,I'm not sure if I can ever see myself living with someone again. I myself, have stuck solidly to i want to live with someone in the future, im not in any rush,my youngest is 18 and disabled,so I'm happy for a few years of dating and then move in. The 2nd issue is,he's looked at live apart together and he feels that would work whilst we are waiting for the right time. The issue we are having is the following . For me to feel close,secure and connected to him,I need to see him for the majority of the week. I understand work,hobbies and friends as well,but I feel for this to work,it has to be more than a couple eves in the week of 3 hours and 24 hours over the weekend. When we tried to talk this through,he panics. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him,just that he's absolutely terrified of the future,moving forward. He has something stopping him from jumping in feet 1st. He said he hates how he is being and it isn't fair on me as its mixed signals and it's breaking us apart.he doesn't understand why he keeps having these wobbles and pushing me away. I've suggested therepy,but he's refused,as he hasn't found it helpful in the past. I love this man,I know im going to be told to leave him,and I understand why,but I just cant understand where and why this is happening?.I did say about ending it yesterday and he was breaking his heart, hugging me and asking me not to leave. He's frustrated with himself and the way he's being and I'm hurt because I can't believe it's like this now,not after the wonderful times we have had.
Please be kind

OP posts:
justasking111 · 13/04/2025 10:30

have mates,hobbies etc too. I make time for him by re arranging and juggling things.

Well stop rearranging, juggling things. Your friends, family deserve better than that.

Springtimehere · 13/04/2025 10:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 10:32

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 10:24

Yes,and not every week,I dont need a rota and I understand some weeks will be less.
I'm starting to feel like im the problem now

Show quote history

You are not the problem really, you are just over-thinking what a relationship should look like. Just enjoy the time you get with him and when you stop enjoying it you stop seeing him. As PP said, prioritise you, your kids, friends etc and just live your life for you. If he fits in, great, if not, no big deal.

Viviennemary · 13/04/2025 10:34

ApolloandDaphne · 13/04/2025 06:37

You are both in different places. He is happy with the relationship with no great level of commitment and you want more. How much care and commitment does your disabled child need? Will they always need to live with you? He is maybe worried that he will have to be involved in their care and support at some level?

Exactly. He's happy with the present arrangement and doesn't want any more commitment or to spend any more time together. You're not happy. Time to call it a day.

WaryHiker · 13/04/2025 10:38

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 10:08

I actually picked a therapist who is male, as I somehow thought they would have different views than a female (less on my side ). I'm not saying to my other half,you need to see me more or its over. It's just talks that he keeps bringing up about the future,and keeps swapping and changing ,which then makes me feel confused to what he wants and can he just stick to it. I thought relationships were about talking and trying to meet each other needs where we can and compromising where we can't.

Show quote history

The only one doing compromising in this situation is you. He has things exactly the way he wants them, and you don't.

But because he wants to continue having things as he wants them and knows you aren't happy with that, he spins you a whole load of therapy speak because he knows that's the language you like.

Don't look at what he says. Look at what he does. He spends less time with you than you would like him to, and he clearly has no intention of ever changing that. On the the contrary, he has the intention of changing you so that you no longer demand from him anything he doesn't want to give.

Neither of you is wrong to want what you want out of a relationship. But you're clearly not compatible. So yes, I would suggest you find someone else who is looking for the same thing as you are. His tears and clinging don't mean a lot when you step back and look at them objectively because they are not accompanied by any move towards him making the sort of compromise you could both live with.

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 10:47

@WaryHiker but can you even compromise the other way and would that make OP feel good? I wouldn't want anyone to spend more time with me than they actually wanted to. I agree though that there is a compatibility issue, just can't see how they could compromise in any way beneficial to the OP.

Shortpoet · 13/04/2025 10:48

justasking111 · 13/04/2025 10:30

have mates,hobbies etc too. I make time for him by re arranging and juggling things.

Well stop rearranging, juggling things. Your friends, family deserve better than that.

I was coming to say exactly this. He suddenly springs on you he’s free on Wednesday, “Sorry darling, I’ve got tap dancing tonight. And drinks with girls tomorrow and an 8 mile hike booked in with my group for Saturday . Sunday maybe? Oh that doesn’t work for you? Well it will have to be Monday or Tuesday then.”

Ironically if you want him to prioritise youYou need to be a lot less available Right now he knows you’re always there and he’s likely going to get a slightly hard time for not seeing you more. He doesn’t want that guilt and as he’s avoidant he’s staying away. Right now, he doesn’t have to make any effort to see you. He snaps his fingers and you jump. You’re there. You rearrange other things.

Switch up the dynamic.
He says he likes missing you. Give him the gift of that. :)
And I don’t mean in a manipulative way. Genuinely fill your life with things that fill you up, that take priority and you don’t juggle them for him.

It will help feel happy doing things just for you and give you perspective if this is long term enough for you.

Letstheriveranswer · 13/04/2025 11:39

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 10:24

Yes,and not every week,I dont need a rota and I understand some weeks will be less.
I'm starting to feel like im the problem now

Show quote history

I don't mean it to come across as though you are the problem, we all need different things and it's fine to want what you want. I'm just trying to show how it might potentially feel from the other side. Maybe there is room to meet each other in the middle, and park the moving in conversations for now? Especially as it seems that you don't want to move in at any point soon, it sounds as if what you want is the security of feeling that he is 'in', and a willingness to move in would feel like more of a guarantee of that?
In another couple of years you could feel differently about things, and so could he.

Ilady · 13/04/2025 13:09

Your in your early 40's and he is almost 50. You both have teenaged kid's and your child is disabled.
You have discussed moving in together but it won't be for a few years yet due to your kid's.

Meanwhile you want him to spend more time with you. It seems at the moment that your working your life around him and what suits him. I feel that if you know he is free say on a Thursday night and one of your friends rings to ask you out that night you say no to them for him. Then Thursday night comes around and you get a call from him I can't meet you because X happened.

He knows that you want to spend more time with him and that you want to live together. He is blowing hot and cold about living together. Along with this he is not making a lot of effort to see or spend time with you.

In your situation I would just step back and tell him when he asks to stay in his house say next Tuesday night sorry I am not available then. Start to meet up with your friends and if they want you to go to something every week with them say yes.
Catch up with family members and relatives as well. Start to work on building up your friendships and improving your own life.

Let him see that your no longer going to prioritize him and change your plans to suit him. If he wants you in his life he has to make some effort and change his plans like you have being doing.

My feeling is that he is happy to have you around when it suits him and as for moving in together he keep moving this because of things happening in his life.

Work on building up your own life and if he wants to be part of it let him start making the effort. I would not be hanging around and continuosly being available when it suits him unless he starts making far more effort.

Next thing he will expect you to move in or care for him when he gets sick, ends up in hospital or stars to have some health issues like diabetes. I know men of his age and after years of no exercise, eating badly, heavy drinking and been overweight they suddenly start having health issues and they want you to be there to mind them.
Or they realise that they are short of cash, have very little in there pension and if you move in you can pay half the bills and support them financially as they get older.
They need a purse, a nurse or in some cases both.

One of my friends has an ex boyfriend who refused to lose weight and now has type 2 diabetes, sleep anopa and high blood pressure. My friend lost weight and is glad that she did not end up with him. His life has become very messy.

Another friend of mine in her early 50's ended a relationship with a man 10 years older than her. He was separated but would not get a divorce and marry my friend. He want her to move into his house, pay half the bill's and said she would get work locally. Within a few years he would be retired and my friend could have ended up as his career and then been left with nothing after he died. My friend decided to end things with him because it was obvious they wanted different things.

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 13:14

Letstheriveranswer · 13/04/2025 11:39

I don't mean it to come across as though you are the problem, we all need different things and it's fine to want what you want. I'm just trying to show how it might potentially feel from the other side. Maybe there is room to meet each other in the middle, and park the moving in conversations for now? Especially as it seems that you don't want to move in at any point soon, it sounds as if what you want is the security of feeling that he is 'in', and a willingness to move in would feel like more of a guarantee of that?
In another couple of years you could feel differently about things, and so could he.

Show quote history

I feel quite seen in this post. Yes,there is definitely a big part that him wanting it etc equals he's all in for a forever relationship, when in reality there is no guarantee in anything is there. I think I need to do some more work on myself

OP posts:
utterexasperation · 13/04/2025 13:15

Don't try to change him as it won't work. He's not offering what you want so end it. People like this always end up letting you down.

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 13:16

Ilady · 13/04/2025 13:09

Your in your early 40's and he is almost 50. You both have teenaged kid's and your child is disabled.
You have discussed moving in together but it won't be for a few years yet due to your kid's.

Meanwhile you want him to spend more time with you. It seems at the moment that your working your life around him and what suits him. I feel that if you know he is free say on a Thursday night and one of your friends rings to ask you out that night you say no to them for him. Then Thursday night comes around and you get a call from him I can't meet you because X happened.

He knows that you want to spend more time with him and that you want to live together. He is blowing hot and cold about living together. Along with this he is not making a lot of effort to see or spend time with you.

In your situation I would just step back and tell him when he asks to stay in his house say next Tuesday night sorry I am not available then. Start to meet up with your friends and if they want you to go to something every week with them say yes.
Catch up with family members and relatives as well. Start to work on building up your friendships and improving your own life.

Let him see that your no longer going to prioritize him and change your plans to suit him. If he wants you in his life he has to make some effort and change his plans like you have being doing.

My feeling is that he is happy to have you around when it suits him and as for moving in together he keep moving this because of things happening in his life.

Work on building up your own life and if he wants to be part of it let him start making the effort. I would not be hanging around and continuosly being available when it suits him unless he starts making far more effort.

Next thing he will expect you to move in or care for him when he gets sick, ends up in hospital or stars to have some health issues like diabetes. I know men of his age and after years of no exercise, eating badly, heavy drinking and been overweight they suddenly start having health issues and they want you to be there to mind them.
Or they realise that they are short of cash, have very little in there pension and if you move in you can pay half the bills and support them financially as they get older.
They need a purse, a nurse or in some cases both.

One of my friends has an ex boyfriend who refused to lose weight and now has type 2 diabetes, sleep anopa and high blood pressure. My friend lost weight and is glad that she did not end up with him. His life has become very messy.

Another friend of mine in her early 50's ended a relationship with a man 10 years older than her. He was separated but would not get a divorce and marry my friend. He want her to move into his house, pay half the bill's and said she would get work locally. Within a few years he would be retired and my friend could have ended up as his career and then been left with nothing after he died. My friend decided to end things with him because it was obvious they wanted different things.

Yes I do that. I literally won't make plans until I know he's free because in my head,as he can't plan ahead,if he's free on Monday and I'm busy,if I see my mates,then he may not be free until the weekend and I've missed my chance to spend a few hours with him. Writing that makes me feel pathetic really.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 13/04/2025 13:19

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 07:21

I'm absolutely fine with that,what I'm struggling with,is,his fears and mind changes. And how I can feel close and supported and loved by someone who only wants to spend 2 eves and one day with me a week. He wants more,but then panics and pulls away and we end up in this circle.

Show quote history

That is still 3days a week. As 2 working adults with teenagers thats more than reasonable.

however if that isn’t enough for you then you’re ultimately incompatible with each other.

the entirety of your personal and social life can’t be based on the whims of one person. Get a life outside of him.

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 13:20

utterexasperation · 13/04/2025 13:15

Don't try to change him as it won't work. He's not offering what you want so end it. People like this always end up letting you down.

I think its impossible to change anyone,people only change if they want to. I just would like a little more contact and time. I think its a mixed bag wether I'm asking too much or not. I thought people who love each other,and want to be together, want to spend time together and try and compromise for each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 13:22

beAsensible1 · 13/04/2025 13:19

That is still 3days a week. As 2 working adults with teenagers thats more than reasonable.

however if that isn’t enough for you then you’re ultimately incompatible with each other.

the entirety of your personal and social life can’t be based on the whims of one person. Get a life outside of him.

Edited
Show quote history

I see it as 3 hours twice a week in the week,which isn't alot,as by the time I get there,get shoes off,start cooking its almost time to go home again and then the nice quality one day over the weekend. I dont feel like that's alot . Maybe it is,and maybe part is me comparing what everyone else seems to have and I don't.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/04/2025 13:26

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 13:20

I think its impossible to change anyone,people only change if they want to. I just would like a little more contact and time. I think its a mixed bag wether I'm asking too much or not. I thought people who love each other,and want to be together, want to spend time together and try and compromise for each other.

Show quote history

When we’re older with kids, jobs etc then it’s not that we don’t love someone it’s more that we all have lives and it’s about fitting a partner in other than revolving life around them imo.

The more responsibilities you have between you, the more pragmatic you have to be and not judge a relationship about how much time you spend together. It’s quality not quantity.

At the moment though it does seem like you’re putting your life on hold and trying yourself into a pretzel to accommodate this man and it’s creating an unbalanced relationship.

Make plans with friends etc and don’t be so available just to suit him. There has to be compromises on both sides when you’re older to make it work.

Other than couples who live together, most of my mates are in weekend relationships and that works for them but that’s because both parties are on same page. I’m not sure you and this guy are tbh

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 13:43

TwistedWonder · 13/04/2025 13:26

When we’re older with kids, jobs etc then it’s not that we don’t love someone it’s more that we all have lives and it’s about fitting a partner in other than revolving life around them imo.

The more responsibilities you have between you, the more pragmatic you have to be and not judge a relationship about how much time you spend together. It’s quality not quantity.

At the moment though it does seem like you’re putting your life on hold and trying yourself into a pretzel to accommodate this man and it’s creating an unbalanced relationship.

Make plans with friends etc and don’t be so available just to suit him. There has to be compromises on both sides when you’re older to make it work.

Other than couples who live together, most of my mates are in weekend relationships and that works for them but that’s because both parties are on same page. I’m not sure you and this guy are tbh

Edited
Show quote history

The most ironic part is,the last 2 relationships before him,which were abusive,controlling and physically violent,those both wanted to be with me all the time. And it was too much! I disnt like it. I think because I spent a couple years in weekly therepy,felt healed,and found someone the polar opposite to all my exes,someone who has a job,a good relationship with family,hobbies and friends, all stuff my exes didn't have,I'm holding on and pressurising him for more.
I will take that on board,start making plans,and filling my time rather than waiting for his plans,before making mine.

OP posts:
WaryHiker · 13/04/2025 14:02

RoachFish · 13/04/2025 10:47

@WaryHiker but can you even compromise the other way and would that make OP feel good? I wouldn't want anyone to spend more time with me than they actually wanted to. I agree though that there is a compatibility issue, just can't see how they could compromise in any way beneficial to the OP.

I don't think either of them is wrong in what they want from the relationship. I'm just pointing out to the OP that she's not going to get what she wants, and he's probably never going to tell her the truth about it. So, she should make a decision based on facts rather than hope.

Letstheriveranswer · 13/04/2025 14:27

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 13:14

I feel quite seen in this post. Yes,there is definitely a big part that him wanting it etc equals he's all in for a forever relationship, when in reality there is no guarantee in anything is there. I think I need to do some more work on myself

Show quote history

You are seen, because 10 years ago I was probably similar to you. I was having similar discussions with a partner at the time and feeling insecure that they couldn't give a straight direct answer on a timeline. I felt if we didn't see each other one week it was a bad sign that things weren't right, that it was all going wrong or something. (Look up relationship OCD). I think peri-menopause anxiety didn't help! We eventually split up but for different reasons.

Once I got past 50 I suddenly realised that life was pretty good living by myself, I didn't feel so emotionally driven to need a relationship, and decided to invest in my own life and things that make me happy. The same thing happened to a lot of my friends at a similar age. We all somehow kind of grew into ourselves, I realised I was a really good friend to myself, and an excellent person for me to be around 24/7! 😂

I am now probably closer to where my ex was at the time.
I'd still love to meet someone, and build /share a life, but only if it is right. I'd like it, but I no longer need it.

My advice is to invest in your own life and happiness, you don't need to sit around waiting to hear when he is free, you can be out having fun in your own right. If you don't see him one week, it's fine, you'll be even happier when yoindondee each other and in-between you'll have been doing stuff and have things to talk about.

You have some fantastic years ahead of you as your daughter moves into independence, you can study, take up interests, see friends more, go to shows. Help her get independent and have the joy of seeing her start her own life. Make the most of all that your 40's have to offer!

DirtyBird · 13/04/2025 14:34

I had an ex like this. Even when I was free Friday thru Sunday he would only want to see me Saturday around six in the evening til noon on Sunday.

Even when I was in his location on Friday (we lived almost an hour apart) he would tell me he want to do his own thing and I wouldn’t hear from him until Saturday evening. I would drop everything and to be with him and by noon on Sunday I could tell he was ready for me to go so he could do his own thing again. We only saw each other about 18!hours a week and 8 of those were spent sleeping.

At the time I was just so happy to have finally met someone I clicked with after being single for twenty years, that even tho I’d be hurt he didn’t want to spend more time together I still was happy to spend even a little time with him.

Eventually it boiled down to him really not being into me as much as I was into him. I was basically a FWB, a placeholder while he was scouting out better options.

oddly now that I’m almost 20 yrs older, I would be happy with that arrangement now. I only have enough energy to date/see someone about once a week these days and enjoy my own space. But back then I wanted more but settled for less and wish I had just either not have been as available to him or just have LTB. as he wasted three years of my life by giving me platitudes of seeing a future of us together, when he really didn’t. It was just to keep me around so he could have sex and a date Saturday night til he found the person he really wanted to spend more than 24 hours a week with.

justasking111 · 13/04/2025 14:34

@Baileys38 are you having sex during these brief encounters?

utterexasperation · 13/04/2025 15:08

Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 13:20

I think its impossible to change anyone,people only change if they want to. I just would like a little more contact and time. I think its a mixed bag wether I'm asking too much or not. I thought people who love each other,and want to be together, want to spend time together and try and compromise for each other.

Show quote history

Sadly not everyone.

dontbeabsurd · 13/04/2025 16:16

OP - it’s OK to want to be in a fully committed, lived in relationship. If this is what you really want - then say it loud & proud. The fact is - he doesn’t want it with you, now. There’s no guarantee that he’ll want it with you, in the future. There’s a possibility that he’ll want it with somebody else in the future. Or maybe not.
What I’m trying to say is that the only thing you know is what YOU want, so stick to it. Be aware of the risk though: you may lose him and not find anyone else. But also be aware of the possibilities: you may find someone better who’ll want love with you. Whatever you decide: don’t abandon yourself, as this will hurt the most.

Original poster
Baileys38 · 13/04/2025 18:01

justasking111 · 13/04/2025 14:34

@Baileys38 are you having sex during these brief encounters?

Not everytime. We do lovely thing,eat out.spend time with his mum and brother,go to the cinema,cook together. And we have a healthy sex life too

OP posts:
Original poster
Baileys38 · 30/04/2025 16:15

So an update

We have been through another cycle where he wants to spend lots of time together and then a push away. He's admitted that this has happened in past relationships. As soon as he feels too close a huge fear washes over him and he pulls away. This triggers pain for the gf and guilt for him,so he then does the whole pull them back. He refuses therepy all together.. we haven't spoke for 2 days now,because I cant see a way forward. Weirdly he's still liking my social media stuff. It's extremely painful. I am in weekly therepy. I used to be so grounded and secure but this push pull has made me anxious.im also angry he lied about how the past relationships ended. When in truth it was because he was doing the same to them as to me

OP posts: