Partner changes mind each week,confused, sad,needing insight and support

[Baileys38]

Hi ,met partner 2 years ago.leading up to him i had plenty of therepy due to my past. The first 12 months was lovely.we fell in love,and partner would occasionally mention us getting married and living together. By 16 months the relationship hadn't progressed. In ways like..we were still only seeing each other 2/3 times a week and for 2 of those times it was a couple hours max. We have been on holiday and our ages are early 40s me,almost 50 him..for the past 3 months we have hit a wall and a circle pattern and I dont know what to do. We have had talks of the future and this man keeps changing his mind weekly. The 1st 12 months he wanted to live together after a couple years of dating. For the past 3 months it's changing weekly from I want it one day,but I cant give you a date,to,I'm not sure if I can ever see myself living with someone again. I myself, have stuck solidly to i want to live with someone in the future, im not in any rush,my youngest is 18 and disabled,so I'm happy for a few years of dating and then move in. The 2nd issue is,he's looked at live apart together and he feels that would work whilst we are waiting for the right time. The issue we are having is the following . For me to feel close,secure and connected to him,I need to see him for the majority of the week. I understand work,hobbies and friends as well,but I feel for this to work,it has to be more than a couple eves in the week of 3 hours and 24 hours over the weekend. When we tried to talk this through,he panics. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him,just that he's absolutely terrified of the future,moving forward. He has something stopping him from jumping in feet 1st. He said he hates how he is being and it isn't fair on me as its mixed signals and it's breaking us apart.he doesn't understand why he keeps having these wobbles and pushing me away. I've suggested therepy,but he's refused,as he hasn't found it helpful in the past. I love this man,I know im going to be told to leave him,and I understand why,but I just cant understand where and why this is happening?.I did say about ending it yesterday and he was breaking his heart, hugging me and asking me not to leave. He's frustrated with himself and the way he's being and I'm hurt because I can't believe it's like this now,not after the wonderful times we have had.
Please be kind

I think it might be helpful for you to reframe your relationship in your mind and the words you use.

You describe "your partner" and as a partner you feel this man isn't enough - doesn't see you enough, doesn't make you feel secure enough, doesn't want to move in.

I think it helps to reframe this man as your "boyfriend". As your boyfriend you don't need to see each other all the time - you can date and have fun. A boyfriend doesn't need to fill all your emotional needs - he's not everything just a part of your world.

You could see how you feel about having a "boyfriend" instead - and if having a boyfriend isn't enough - you want a partner - then this might not be the man for you. It might be that if you can take the pressure off this fella he comes closer but only time will tell that.

Thanks everyone for being kind . In therepy I realisedi won't be ready to live with him for quite a few years,my kids come first,and we have a strong bond which would take alot of time to integrate him into our lives fully..deep down,im happy to live apart. I think for me,it's how do I feel connected and close to him,if im hardly spending time with him ?.I've lived without a man living with me for 6 years and I am independent too.

We have been on holiday , 3 times,and we got on fab,we had so much fun. He did miss me when it ended. He likes missing me ? He likes how it keeps the relationship fresh,and how he cant wait to see me etc. I suppose I have to accept this is all he can offer or try to find someone who wants a little bit more. I just dont want to leave a great relationship over what seems like a small thing to others but it's become quite a sticking point for us and making us go around in circles.

He’s happy with the current situation and you’re not. As someone who lived with this for an extended period, my experience is that he won’t change, sadly. You do need to make a decision based around whether you value having him in your life more than having a relationship that fully meets your needs.

As parents to teenagers, seeing each other a couple of evenings a week and all weekend seems pretty committed in terms of time together and I’m wondering why this level of contact would not be reassuring? It sounds as though compromise is required or you may have to make some tough decisions.

OP, I was exhausted just reading your post.

'I NEED to see him most of the week for this to work'? Bloody hell.

Do you want the relationship for companionship or to get a room mate? You come across as just trying to drive it to the finish line, like it's a race

Thank you,that's a good point about valuing having him in my life verses having all my needs met.

I have spent 40 plus years ignoring my needs and always doing what was best for the person I was with. All that came from that was domestic violence,control and debt and having to sell my home.
Maybe I've done so much therepy,that im now too focused on what I want and need. I don't know. Maybe I need more therepy to chill out abit

OP, you're coming across as quite needy.
You're on completely different pages with this relationship.
Living together isn't the be all and end all, and there's no magic formula for the right amount of time you should be spending together.
If you pressurise your partner in to spending more time with you, knowing that he's happy with things the way they are, you'll push him away.
If seeing him 2/3 times a week and the occasional holiday is no longer working for you then you really need to end the relationship.

This sums it up exactly

There's seven days in a week. Widen your social life. Become more independent. This is not his responsibility but yours.

Neither of you are right or wrong, you just want different things and he isn’t willing to give you what you want.

The “scared” thing is not real, he just doesn’t want to be honest and say it’s not what he wants - he wants you to accept his preference over yours and he isn’t willing to change, but he would rather you felt sorry for him that were angry with him, so the “scared” thing is a better narrative.

You need to decide if you would rather end it or keep it as it is now. There is no right or wrong decision, just what you want to do!

I think im focused on there isn't any compromise?. I get there isn't a magic formula, but I'm trying to meet my needs and his,yet I don't see (or maybe I just cant at the moment)see any compromise back ?
I have mates,hobbies etc too. I make time for him by re arranging and juggling things.
I think as well,he isn't a planner..so his week changes due to work,when his child needs him etc,so I never know from one week to the next when I'm going to see him,and I struggle with that.i don't know how to stop that ? I'm aware I'm not helping. Deep down I know I've met a loyal loving independent man,who's also been badly hurt. I wonder if my needs and stuff ,am I actually just ruining things subconsciously
Thank you though for your post,it helps getting multiple views

If you aren't going to be ready to live together yourself for a few years, why do you want him to say he is ready now? You say you have trouble feeling connected when you only see him three times a week. I struggle with LDRs because once they are not here, after a few weeks I disconnect and then it takes time to reconnect when I see them again. Is it like that?

For me, that's a me issue, an attachment thing, I have had to rely entirely on myself my whole life so I only trust in things outside me when they are in 3D in front of me. When I have had weekend relationships it took the best part of a day to feel connected again.

Since you don't in fact want to live together yet, what do you need from him to feel more connected? Could you do a full weekend, start out doing it once a month and gradually build to once a fortnight so he gets used to it?

I found with weekend relationships they also ended up taking my entire weekend, and everything I needed to get done in life had to be compressed into the week after work. When I date now I find it quite a lot when I come across the expectation that we meet every weekend and that after a while we will spend every weekend together, I could get to that but it would take me time and to get to the point where I can be relaxed around then and get my other normal things done, not feeling that I have to entertain them the whole weekend. As well as the fear your bf is experiencing, very understandably after what happened last time he committed, could there be some of this going on?

I think if I was in your shoes I would think what do I need now from him, talk to him about that and see how much of that thing he is able to give now, and how much he would need to build up to it.

Decent men are few and far between and you might find someone else willing to commit but I really wouldn't bank on it...its a jungle out there! There are also a lot of men with small kids looking for a woman to help them with their weekend dad childcare. It would be a shame to get your own freedom when your daughter is able to leave home, and then start looking after some other guys kids ..

Your point of view makes sense too. He has said he's so scared of it all going wrong and ruining what we have now. And I understand that. He doesn't want the relationship to end,he's not someone who gets upset easily, but he has been visibly upset over this,we both have. He has said,it feels like we want the same thing but at different times. I'm trying to reassure him,I want the same,just a little bit more together to feel close and connected. I dont feel that's alot to ask

Thank you. I think i need to sit and think and more therepy. I think a part of me(and it's hard to admit this so anyone responding please be kind)but if he wants it and says it and plans for it,that makes me feel we have a future,reassurance he's all in etc. I know that's ridiculous, I feel ridiculous writing it.
For now,I just want a bit more planing when we can and a bit more time. That can look like, seeing him tues eve,but staying over and leaving early(my other older child is home to be support to my other child)..and then to see him say Thurs eve,and stay,and then maybe he stays mine sat eve,we have a nice Sunday together, he stays and goes home mon morning for work. I dont expect that every week .I understand things pop up. I do feel I'm partly self sabotaging, maybe because I'm so afraid of it going wrong like the past ?

But OP, he's made it perfectly clear that he's not ready to move things on.
But you are still insistent that you need to spend more time together and that it's "not a lot to ask"
I don't doubt that he'd be upset if the relationship ended, but that doesn't mean he should feel pressured into seeing you more often.
Because that is looking very much like emotional blackmail on your part.

I respect your views,but I have to say I disagree. I have talked all this through with a therpist weekly and he would tell me if I was doing that. Maybe I need a new therepist

OP - I do think you’ve hit the nail on the head saying you’re self sabotaging because of your past. Rather than going with the flow and enjoying what you have, you’re overthinking about the future.

I think that's most likely it. So now I need to work out how to stop that ?

His inability or perhaps disinclination to plan ahead would be a big red flag for me, much more than the actual time we spend together.

My concern would be that the fun times we plan together would always get crowded out by the urgent last minute changes.

I wouldn’t want to live like that.

You just don’t sound compatible. You admit that you need to physically be with someone to feel loved. He doesn’t.

I would find your behaviour suffocating. I need my space. It sounds like he feels that way too but maybe he’s too worried to say it as he knows that’s not what you want to hear.

I wouldn’t want you to move in with me as I’d be worried that you’d be controlling over how often I went out without you.

In your shoes I’d probably end the relationship as he can’t give you what you want. But I do think you need to look at why you’re so needy in a relationship.

I think you do need a new therapist. It IS a lot to keep asking for more time together. It IS emotional blackmail to keep saying see me more or I’ll end the relationship. In his shoes I’d end the relationship as I wouldn’t want to be pushed into something I wasn’t ready for.

You’re just incompatible. You want to live together, he doesn’t. Neither of you are wrong to feel the way you do but if he isn’t giving you the type of relationship you want, it’s time to move on.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He’s happy with the current arrangement. You’re not. Stop wasting your time with a man who won’t commit to you. And the emotional manipulation is clear to see. He just does it to keep you hanging on. Have more respect for yourself. It’s not rocket science. He doesn’t want to commit to you.

I actually picked a therapist who is male, as I somehow thought they would have different views than a female (less on my side ). I'm not saying to my other half,you need to see me more or its over. It's just talks that he keeps bringing up about the future,and keeps swapping and changing ,which then makes me feel confused to what he wants and can he just stick to it. I thought relationships were about talking and trying to meet each other needs where we can and compromising where we can't.

Hi, so you want 3 overnights per week plus one leading into a full day Sunday? That is quite a lot if he is also fitting in seeing his child, working full time and keeping on top of his house and admin? Plus time for himself?

I always think that if you live with someone it's easier because you can do your own stuff. But when you are dating and spending time together, it tends to be purely 'time together'. Just food for thought...

Yes,and not every week,I dont need a rota and I understand some weeks will be less.
I'm starting to feel like im the problem now