Lazy DH, need to accept only having one child

[DepressingMumLife234]

I have an 8 month old baby and DH as wonderful as he used to be pre-baby, has proven himself to be a pretty lazy arse. He honestly couldn't do enough for me and baby in the first 6 weeks but then he sort of got tired and bored and it was all downhill from there. He brings nothing to the table other than he's the biological father and he plays nicely with the baby and baby finds him funny. His life is back to normal with zero regard for me and baby.

I've gone back to work (had to, we only get 6 months mat leave where we live) and the balance between us has gotten worse, not better. I make more money than him and work longer hours too, so life is feeling pretty unfair.

I would have to be an idiot to have another baby with him. I'm too old to find someone else and not sure I even want to look at a man ever again anyway. But this means my baby is an only and it makes me really sad. I'm an only child and have zero extended family. DH's siblings are all child free and too old to hope they will change their minds. They're not all that close anyway. So it's just going to be me and my (absolutely perfect) baby (and DH if I can bear to not divorce him once baby is older).

I don't know what I want from this post. I'm lonely and sad and guess hoping for some words of wisdom from other women.

We've had all the chats about workload etc already, no point talking to him about it anymore honestly.

Don't tell me to just leave him, I probably will anyway. It won't solve my only child problem.

If you don't want to leave him, then the only thing to do is have a serious conversation with him.

Let him know you're not willing to stay in a relationship that's so unequal. He either steps up or he ships out. You're supposed to be an equal team, yet he's choosing to leave you to shoulder most of the load. He needs to be able to think for himself what needs doing and get on with his share of it.

I was also in a relationship for a long time with someone who left me shouldering most of the load. All it does is build resentment. Unfortunately you need to address it one way or another or you'll only feel worse over time.

I’m in a similar boat but widowed, not divorced. Very little family, and who there is is older and childfree.

I find it hard. Having a family of two is just too intense. Suffocating at times. I can do everything as right as I can and still I fear for my child’s future.

I came across your post bc it’s the Easter holidays and I’ve spent all day co-ordinating activities and a playdate, and feeling the strain, so looked on here for some solidarity.

No answers, but I hear you! There are better days - I’m just having a low moment. I’m too old and too alone.

To come up with a positive note, having an only child means that every activity, play date, and sleepover will be for your perfect only child and they can have a very happy childhood.

Yeah I had the same.
mine were twins though.

family isn’t everything. Mine did have cousins but hated them and as adults never voluntarily socialise with them.

they still have lots of friends from school and cadets etc.

being an only doesn’t necessarily mean they are lonely.

@BoxOfCats The relationship is dead anyway. I resent him, and struggle to be anything more than nice and polite with him. Getting emotionally involved makes me nasty as I get angry. Being unemotional and indifferent and carrying on is what works. I'm sure he doesn't like me anymore, he's said as much previously during one of our previous chats.

This is more about accepting I'm going to only have this one child. And I'm struggling with that.

Breaking up won't change anything. I'm too old to find another man, date, move in, get serious, have a child. At least not on a sensible timeline that doesn't damage my current baby.

I found my own childhood extremely suffocating and lonely. Even now, I am my parents' sole focus and it drives me nuts. Tbf my parents never bothered with playdates (I wasn't allowed to even bring friends over) or sports and just left me to my own devices all day, every day, so I can do that differently with my boy.

Exactly my experience. Well, almost. My ex wanted children, It was a relationship deal breaker for him apparently. So we had a baby. And he never did anything. Ever. Off to the pub as usual. Did no housework ever, unless I confronted him and had huge rows about it. Once, we went to the beach as a family day out and he spent all day in the pub, playing the fruit machines. I was sat on the beach with the baby. He was a huge burden, always.

I just quietly resolved to have no more children. Our son got to about 5 and ex started making noises about trying for number 2. I put him straight right away. Why would I have another baby with you when you've never done anything for the one you already have?

He's an ex for a reason. Should have left him way earlier.

I think it’s incredible the number of women posting on MN lately how they earn more money than their DH and still are expected to do more housework/childcare. And you say you work more actual hours too. I mean, obviously women had to earn the right to work outside the home and be financially independent (so they can leave their DH if they wanted to) but it just seems to have made women’s lives harder not easier. I know it won’t help in your issue OP since you’re realising you can’t have another child with him, but can you at least pay for someone to come help a few hours a week for cleaning etc, whatever needs to be done so the load is not all on you?

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. All I can say is I think it's much easier to leave when the baby is still a baby... the sooner the better. Once they get to 4, 5, 6 years old, they start having opinions... and memories. Much easier to leave before they know what is happening. Also DH might make leaving much harder if he is one of those Dads who suddenly starts taking more of an interest once they're halfway through primary... It sounds like you could probably leave on your terms at the moment.

@WakingUpToReality I have a nanny and she does an excellent job with cleaning. That's not it. It's the middle of the night/early morning/weekends. Laundry.

Days out where I do everything- I breastfeed, I change the nappy, I eat with one hand because he wants holding, etc etc. Every time we go out he has a lovely time and I am exhausted.

The bills, the admin, tradesmen if something breaks down - I do it all. Baby growing out of his 6-9 mo clothes, guess who has to buy more, put away the old ones etc.

He brags that he's an excellent cook and he is. But he won't cook for the baby. So all the weaning is on me. All of it. Even when I tell him to just boil some extra carrots and don't add salt to the food so I can keep some aside for the baby, he doesn't do it half the time.

And I am also pumping milk while at work which has given me mastitis so I had to see a dr and a lactation consultant. Did I get so much as a hug?

And i have to work after baby goes to sleep because the pumping takes so much time, I can't finish my work in my 8 hour work day.

Nanny leaves at 5pm. Who takes care of the baby after 5pm until 8am when she comes back? Me.

He's got a bloody holiday coming up and he has no annual leave left to go away with us too.

Honestly, he's a dick. And he was so absolutely wonderful while I was pregnant and immediately postpartum. It's like a switch went off, he got bored and that was it. No going back.

A lot of it will get better when I stop breastfeeding/pumping. It will definitely free me a lot. But I can't forget this period. I just can't. Imagine throwing another baby and a toddler into this, I'd have to be the world's biggest idiot.

I have one child and I do wish I could have had more. There are many brilliant things about having one but I have to be honest that I would have liked to have more. In my situation I made the right decision. Would you have another one? I’m not totally sure why you are cutting off that option.

@Hollyhedge so suck it up, pretend I can forgive all this, somehow bring myself to be nice to him, have sex with him again so I can have another baby? Yes, it has entered my mind. My fear is I will become a resentful bitch to be honest and it's a sure road to divorce. Not sure my already existing child deserves that.

At least in the current situation, once baby needs me less, there is a chance of moving on and salvaging the marriage.

Two words - Sperm donor.

Leave the husband and get a sperm donor if you want more children. Or adopt.

I am not excusing his actions at all but in my experience men are generally useless with babies. Not all men but the majority. Doesn’t excuse not helping around the house though.

My husband wasn’t great with the kids when they were really little but now they are school age he does pick ups and drop offs, sports activities, does breakfast for them etc and just generally enjoys their company. Once your son becomes more interactive hopefully you will see your husband engage more. It’s not right but it is what it is. Obviously if it’s so bad you have no romantic feelings left for him and want to be on your own that is totally understandable. It can get better but it’s not guaranteed.

This, yes this is an option op, you don't need him around,

Babies are pretty boring… Might he step up when she’s a bit older? If you don’t think he will, you should leave and look for another partner / go down the sperm donor route, as PP suggested. How old are you? Could you freeze your eggs to buy yourself (some) time?

@Crushed23 I'm 35, I did look into egg freezing and it isn't all that's cracked up to be, the success rate is low at this age and I don't think I want a baby when I'm 45 anyway.

I'm another who, though I don't think it is OK, do observe a lot of fathers who are significantly better at parenting children who are talking. Some take even longer but suddenly get it around 7 (basically when they can potentially involve the child in their hobbies). But they're not usually this bad, just not enjoying it, plodding through the minimum, a bit clueless. Not as actively uninvolved as this.

It does seem to not be unusual to be completely alienated from your partner at this stage. It isn't always terminal.

I hate to say it - but from what you said, sex is off the table at the moment, yes? (Not surprising). I'm bringing it up because it's so often a factor in the general misery of dysfunctional interaction. I just wondered about it when you said a switch went.

@PermanentTemporary well, yes, sex is off the table. It's still extremely painful for me. I think the breastfeeding doesn't help. But then again, he hasn't even attempted to be in any way affectionate so can't exactly go 0-100. Plus, when exactly am I going to have sex? I'm working 10 hours a day. Plus breastfeeding for at least another total of 3 hours probably. Then cook, life stuff, sleep (not a lot). If he did some laundry and cooked baby some food, there would be time to consider it.

I’m kind of in a similar situation in that I do absolutely everything for my 2 kids and their Dad does nothing but I don’t work and I actually don’t mind or feel resentment for the situation as I feel as though we both have clear cut roles, I prefer to do everything for the kids myself anyway as I can do it the way I want/run my schedule etc and he does actually do anything that I ask of him (just that I do have to explicitly ask and explain…).

But in your situation, you are working longer hours and earning more money?! What is his role in the relationship? You’re the breadwinner and the sole caregiver. Honestly in your situation I’d most likely increase the Nanny’s hours/get extra help at weekends if you can afford it and if you want another child I would have another with him and make peace with the fact it’s going to be on you/a nanny and then divorce him. I appreciate that sounds cold but it’s the most pragmatic option if it’s really important for you to have a second child.

Have you fully explained how you feel to him? Have you asked him what he feels his role as a man in the family is, seeing as he earns less, works less and isn’t even doing any parenting? I’m sorry for you that it turned out this way for you…

So you think you have a better chance of rescuing your marriage without another child? I’m just trying to figure this out.

@PermanentTemporary maybe I'm the problem. I do get this a lot, that the early years are just harder on the mum and I should just accept my fate. Other women cope and have multiple children just fine and don't have a problem doing it all. But how can I not resent this other adult next to me whose life has not changed one iota while I'm holding it all together?

Working 10 hour days, pumping, getting up at 3am to feed again, then again at 6am for work. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation talking.

It's crossed my mind to quit working and make him the one responsible financially but our lifestyle would take a massive hit and it wouldn't be what is best for my son.

@Hollyhedge yes, I think so. Throwing another pregnancy and baby into this would be mad, no?

@Crushed23

Obviously we are all different but I've never understood this.

Babies literally change all the time. Smiling then laughing then rolling then sitting then crawling, pulling themselves up to stand waking etc.

I felt very resentful towards my husband after our first baby - more than anything he was getting way more sleep than I was as I was doing all baby’s wakes and it pissed me off. Alongside the fact I was doing more childcare / household chores / admin etc. This resentment is very common and is why people say not to make any rash decisions about your relationship in the first year or two after having a baby. I don’t feel that way anymore.

Talk to your partner, tell him to help out more, that you’re struggling. He may pull his socks up a bit.

If he were posting on here I think we would all give him a complete earful. Or not, because what's the point? If he doesn't feel any pull to be a fully involved father or even just human curiosity about this new person in his life, if his version of love for you doesn't include stepping up, maintaining some kind of physical care or intimacy through a completely normal dry spell, taking on enough of the mental and physical load that you feel as if you have a partner in this enterprise... yes, it's hard to see why you would bother to avoid detaching from him.

I only have one son so I can't say whether you would be crazy to have another child in these circumstances. It certainly sounds like it.

But as it happens it's you who is posting and I just wanted to understand where you are with it all. If you have the years in hand and he gets better with a talking 2 year old, i suppose i thought that it's not impossible that you could have another and feel OK about it. It didn't come across as a very caring post though and I apologise.

I don't understand why any men behave like this, except i suppose that they can. Can't really get past that he won't cook for the baby.

I guess I just don’t quite follow. My ex and I split because we had to. This meant no second child with him. Had I thought we could stay together I would have had another child. It seems like you are going to not have the second child you want but stay in the marriage.