Lazy DH, need to accept only having one child

[DepressingMumLife234]

I have an 8 month old baby and DH as wonderful as he used to be pre-baby, has proven himself to be a pretty lazy arse. He honestly couldn't do enough for me and baby in the first 6 weeks but then he sort of got tired and bored and it was all downhill from there. He brings nothing to the table other than he's the biological father and he plays nicely with the baby and baby finds him funny. His life is back to normal with zero regard for me and baby.

I've gone back to work (had to, we only get 6 months mat leave where we live) and the balance between us has gotten worse, not better. I make more money than him and work longer hours too, so life is feeling pretty unfair.

I would have to be an idiot to have another baby with him. I'm too old to find someone else and not sure I even want to look at a man ever again anyway. But this means my baby is an only and it makes me really sad. I'm an only child and have zero extended family. DH's siblings are all child free and too old to hope they will change their minds. They're not all that close anyway. So it's just going to be me and my (absolutely perfect) baby (and DH if I can bear to not divorce him once baby is older).

I don't know what I want from this post. I'm lonely and sad and guess hoping for some words of wisdom from other women.

We've had all the chats about workload etc already, no point talking to him about it anymore honestly.

Don't tell me to just leave him, I probably will anyway. It won't solve my only child problem.

@Lindtnotlint baby has quite severe CMPA. We have tried the special formula before and he hated it (dairy free formula tastes rank tbf). He was younger though and I was on mat leave, I thought I'll continue EBF and pump at work. I hadn't anticipated pumping would as hard as it is. So we'll have to try again.

@OchreRaven Six months in is not the time to be thinking about having another baby.

You're probably right. Feeling overwhelmed and trying to look to the future and it hit me.

Sorry about the CMPA. That sounds tough and makes my thought a lot less practical. X

The bloody pumping sounds relentless! I never was able to express much milk, so when I went back to work they didn't have breastmilk during the day and the elder one wouldn't take formula for ages.

Your supply really does adjust - it's incredible! I was feeding morning ,evening and all weekend, plus if they woke in the night (which DC3 kept up determinedly several times a night until they self-weaned at 22 months!) DC3 and I co-slept so I could snooze during feeding.

Nobody could keep up life at this pace, especially with a lazy arse husband. Read him the riot act. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that there will NOT be another baby unless he steps up. If you don't kick him into touch now, he will never change and will probably get worse as he gets older. Trust me, I know!! I'd totally ditch the pumping.

Hi Op, sorry you're having such a hard time. Firstly 8 months old is a really tough, very demanding age. My husband was good, but honestly the brunt of parenting was all on me at this age because only I would do. Baby had stopped accepting dad and bottles at that age. They start to get separation anxiety around now and do loads of teething. You are also burnt out from coming up to a year of no sleep, please don't underestimate that. You're back at work and that is making it even harder.

I am a feminist, have worked in male dominated careers, didn't take husband's name etc... so hate saying this. We all try to pretend that men and women are the same but biology means baby is more attached to you right now. I personally really struggled to hear baby cry for me at night so just accepted it was on me at this age, even though it was more equal earlier on.

Do you ever just give baby to your husband and go somewhere else? I think you need to force him to engage, you can carve out some time for you during the day. My husband always had baby from when he woke in the morning till the next nap whilst I slept. Can you literally just pass baby over after a feed and go somewhere else and lock the door and go back to sleep? Just do it without talking about it? Might only be an hour or whatever but it forces him to take responsibility for baby and you get a rest? Or baby you get baby ready in the pushchair somewhere close to nap time, get husband's shoes and push him out of the door?

Adapting to parenting is hard on a relationship. This might not be unsalvageable.

Sorry OP marriage sounds shit. However, as a mum of three I have accepted that I basically hate my husband for the first year after having a baby, but then it gets better. Tbf my DH is actually a good dad but the first year is such a big change as a mother while the dad basically carries on as he was. It’s hard not to be resentful. I did have an enormous blow up at him at some point about how he needs to do more and how I COULD NOT DO EVERYTHING. By that point I was so sleep deprived I probably seemed unhinged and he did step up.

As for having one child I am slightly envious. I love my three but I love quality 1:1 time with each of my children and don’t get enough of it (for me or them). I struggle to host play dates with school friends as I have the baby to look after and my older two squabble. If I just had the one there’s more capacity to do days out, clubs, lovely play dates etc.

On sex life (not what you’re asking and I realise not your focus now), I found it gets better as the breastfeeding winds down and that can be a good way to reconnect (obviously only if and when you want to).

This. The sooner the better. He sounds like he's bringing nothing to the table, you'd be better off single.

I don’t think you can salvage it. The resentment builds. Perhaps start telling people about him and see what they say. Especially the prides himself on his cooking and refuses to cook for the baby. Stop yourself from making it sound lighthearted. Best if you can say it in front of him. ‘Sorry Stella we can’t come around, I have to do some meals for baby. Jay does most of our cooking but refuses to cook for the baby.’

and stop doing anything for him that you can.

Welll I would but I love babies. My DH got on with his own life abd hobbies while they were small. They are teens now and I would say he does more parenting now.

Hi OP. My husband was slow to grow into the fatherhood thing, so I'll try and add my 2 cents. We have 2 children (2 yrs apart), he is now a good husband and good father but it took time. He couldn't cope with babies crying and couldn't sooth them. Still can't. But he plays well and looks after them extremely well now they are 3 and 5.
Fwiw, I couldn't imagine life without my second, but that's my life and I don't think that's your main issue here.

Firstly I couldn't have done it while doing the hours you do. Can you try to reduce your hours and switch to formula (i dont know if thats a rude thing to say so i apologise if thats flippant) so you don't need to spend time pumping at work? Your routine sounds exhausting. I breast fed but never pumped so once they were on solids I just breast fed morning and night and formula during the day. I don't know if you are in ireland with 6 month maternity leave but it can be a struggle with cost of living to reduce hours. If you can go part time then I would take the lifestyle hit. Regardless of baby number two - you have your sanity to take care of and your baby to enjoy.

Maybe your husband could take on some overtime or an extra job and contribute this way? My husband did this (though could do more I feel) and that def helped things to feel more even between us And helped him to understand that he was important to our family.

I wonder if without the intense pressure you are under, you might start to feel more hopeful about life generally. You are also in the midst of baby-caring, still breastfeeding, it really is the hardest time and can be very tough on relationships and mental health.

I don't think being an only child is the most terrible thing and perhaps your own slightly lonely childhood is colouring your view of it. Start texting other mums and building your extended family now. I've found some lovely mum (and dad) friends though i know your baby is very young yet. One family in particular - They are from overseas so no family here and their daughter is an only child, so we make a big effort to play at each others houses a lot and my kids treat her like a close cousin.

For me your post seems less about whether you should have baby number 2 or leave your husband, than about what you could do to feel more happiness in your current situation (enjoying your baby, getting some rest and downtime, SLEEP). It seems like first you need to slowdown the hamster wheel before you decide if you actually want to get off!

I think you need to focus on filling your own cup back up for yourself x

You are so strong and such an incredible mum juggling everything you’re carrying so much weight right now on those shoulders alone. You need to focus on just you for a minute (and baby of course) but I mean really focus on filing your cup back up and see how you feel about everything else later.

I have a 10 month baby, ebf and can say the resentment you feel towards your partner is literally wasted energy. I just try to pause when I feel like you do… stop focusing on future, stop focusing on your partner (very difficult when you can hear them snoring whilst your up all hours of night I know)
just stop giving that part of your life energy for now and focus on how you can make things better for yourself. Prioritising some time for yourself where you can even sat in the garden alone in the sun for 15 minutes per day. Give yourself some head space not to think about your relationship or your future, just to fill your own cup back up for now.

You are in no rush to make any decision so don’t focus on any of it today, this week, this month. Give yourself a little time.

I too want another child and feel everything you feel but I cannot put that strain on my body again so soon so I’ve decided I’ll put that decision to a later date as it’s not even something I could consider right now anyway. Since I’ve focused more on myself my partner has somewhat noticed and I dare say woke up a little….

Take care of yourself your so important to your little beautiful baby so do whatever you like to do whenever you can do it and let time be a healer or not and it will become clearer to you.

@DepressingMumLife234He brings nothing to the relationship. Leave now. You won’t be any worse off and once you’re not breast feeding he can take the baby for a weekend or evening and will have to do his share. You can have some time off! Also get CM from him.
then use a sperm donor and have a baby on your terms with no expectation of support.
dont wait he won’t get better

Many people don’t have a partner or even one baby.

I agree with a pp, some men aren't great with babies. Especially breastfed babies. In his opinion baby only wants you. It might be a lazy opinion but I wouldn't write him off yet. As baby gets older he may surprise you. Also I would definitely suck it up and have another if you would like. Only children can be hard to entertain (I was a lonely only) having a playmate often make it easier. My eldest two get on so well and want to go everywhere together. Obviously they argue too but it's great that I can get things done while they entertain each other for 20 minutes.

Could you relocate back to the UK, and have 12 months maternity?

You must be exhausted. And very emotional. Sounds daft, but re weaning, if he forgets then he still has to do it! Ask him directly to sort it out and plan out for his child.
Ask him what he thinks makes a great dad. Husband. Ask him what he thinks makes a great mum and wife.

To me, you sound as if you need another 6 months off work anyway. You're still bf and missing the baby, recovering. I expect. Can you take a sabbatical?

No rush to have another though. Wait a while. Mine had 2 years between them. Close enough to want to play together. I bf constantly but lucky enough not to work until they went to school. My career was fine. I did a masters instead, in my ' free time' 🙃

I think with this level of resentment, there's is no going back for this relationship, unless he steps up. Only having one and waiting for his lazy behaviour to not be a problem any more sounds like a crazy solution. I would be leaving him before the baby is too attached, or, honestly, try and get another baby out of him then leave him if he still acts like a shit. That option would take couples counselling I think.

Do you even have your periods back yet? Doesn't the nanny suck up all of your wages? Can't you just quit?

There is no way I would have another baby in your position. Not a chance.

A family or siblings can cause many more problems than it is worth. Work on creating a family of choice through deep and meaningful friendships.

That is what we did. They are far more likely to be there for you and your baby in the future. They can provide security, company and fun and happy times. Your feelings of loneliness will ease, your stress levels will reduce. Make your home a full and happy place full of children. It can be completely different to your childhood.

Most parents have to plan activities and play dates. Most parents juggle too much with multiple children in the holidays. You can be a committed parent without hyper focusing on your child op. You will have time and resources, and whether you stay in your marriage or leave - you will have the freedom to do so.
Many siblings do not get on, there is no guarantee yours will even if you have one.

Enjoy the child you have.

Sorry if this sounds dumb, but if you really want a second baby why not get pregnant again soon and then dump him - either during the pregnancy or after the birth?

If you actually want the relationship to work, you need to sit down with him and spell out what you need from him for it to work.

But personally, I'd get pregnant if I really wanted a second baby.

A small thing, but could you not get wearable breast pumps e.g. Elvie so you don't have to take time out from work to pump (other than to put them on/off)? Does depend on your job, obviously, but should be manageable if you have an office job

OP try and see if it's fixable. I think a lot of men find the reality of a baby hard - looking after one takes practice. You need to talk to him and find out where his head is. Give instructions- I know I shouldn't have to but I leave my DH a list of jobs if he is off and I'm at work. Sit down at the weekend and do a jobs list. And dear God stop killing urself pumping, a few formula bottles with dad would be a good thing. You need to talk this through now before the resentment builds. As the previous poster said, men do get better as the kids get older. The first year really is shit.

I’m sorry but I don’t know what CMPA is but we used formula goats milk to supplement breastfeeding when I went back to work at 6 months (as I was higher earner and we needed the money) and this was 20 years ago when 6 months pay was pretty generous. Son has several allergies that resulted in very bad eczema and this cleared it up.

Don’t be guilted into breast is best, it’s ok to switch a couple of feeds a day to formula if it gives you some much needed time back.

i think a lot of men just think women are the default parent as they just must know how to do it? I found actually going away for a weekend forced Dh to bond with our baby in a way he hadn’t already. He wasn’t intentionally not stepping up it was just easier for everyone to leave me to it when he wasn’t as confident as I was with motherhood (not realising we don’t know the answers either but we just have to get on with it). Can you make him the sole carer more? Could he cover a nanny half day so that Nanny could stay 1 hr longer on the other days?

Motherhood and a full time job in what sounds like a professional role can be super tough. You can have it all but you can’t have everything is a quote I’ve heard that I do agree with.

are you doing his laundry, meals etc? I would stop doing these and let him fend for himself. then get your ducks in a row

You are not the problem. There is tolerance of men doing this as you can see, but it’s really not OK. One pp suggested adding a second child wasn’t harder for her. This is not a universal experience, it can feel more than twice as hard. Also, it can become apparent any hope of things improving with a father’s involvement is misplaced during a second pregnancy and after the birth.

It’s true it’s early days after the baby, but I do think you have a strong response for a real reason.

It’s sensible to take some more time but you’ve said that the relationship is dead, so I think that time is mostly for you, to try to get some space to process your feelings and what you want. You asked for help with accepting your baby will be your only child. That is very hard and upsetting when you wanted more. You must be exhausted and have little time to work through this, but you need to try to find space to feel your feelings as they can guide you. You know the big picture with your husband. One thing to flag is that if you think things are on track to end and you are not in your home country, consider where you would want to be in the event of a divorce. Being abroad can put you in a vulnerable position.

Look just leave him and create the life and support network you want. Maybe an au pair and good female friends with babies. It will still be hard work but you will feel emotionally supported and get a break while the baby is at exs.

Oh jesus, you're young! I had my daughter when I was 40 and had a super easy pregnancy and birth. You're not 'too old' to start again, you're just catastrophizing.