Lazy DH, need to accept only having one child

[DepressingMumLife234]

I have an 8 month old baby and DH as wonderful as he used to be pre-baby, has proven himself to be a pretty lazy arse. He honestly couldn't do enough for me and baby in the first 6 weeks but then he sort of got tired and bored and it was all downhill from there. He brings nothing to the table other than he's the biological father and he plays nicely with the baby and baby finds him funny. His life is back to normal with zero regard for me and baby.

I've gone back to work (had to, we only get 6 months mat leave where we live) and the balance between us has gotten worse, not better. I make more money than him and work longer hours too, so life is feeling pretty unfair.

I would have to be an idiot to have another baby with him. I'm too old to find someone else and not sure I even want to look at a man ever again anyway. But this means my baby is an only and it makes me really sad. I'm an only child and have zero extended family. DH's siblings are all child free and too old to hope they will change their minds. They're not all that close anyway. So it's just going to be me and my (absolutely perfect) baby (and DH if I can bear to not divorce him once baby is older).

I don't know what I want from this post. I'm lonely and sad and guess hoping for some words of wisdom from other women.

We've had all the chats about workload etc already, no point talking to him about it anymore honestly.

Don't tell me to just leave him, I probably will anyway. It won't solve my only child problem.

Hey, this might not be helpful but I was somewhere close to where you are after #1… and we had #2.

I told him frankly I wouldn’t consider #2 unless things between us improved and we had more support, so we had a year of relationship therapy and moved to be nearer my parents. We are both different people with #2. For me, plus points:

1. me being pregnant again and bf-ing #2 forced him to bond deeply with #1 in a way he hadn’t before (and maybe never would have) because I just wasn’t an option.
2. he just leaned in to being a dad after a year or so. Men are lazier with babies than older kids because they can get away with less when kids are older and notice them, maybe?
3. He was also a much better baby dad with #2 - if your baby is 10m and you carried them for 9m before that, you’ve spent almost double the time he’s been a dad putting them first. My DH didn’t realise what being a dad meant for at least a year.
4. The sibling bond between our kids is lovely, and it’s actually a comfort to me that if everything ever goes tits with us as a couple, they would have each other.
5. After the adjustment period of realising I was the default parent and he was fine with that, I’ve realigned my expectations and I’m happier now because I expect support in some areas, but not others.
6. My opinion of men has gone down generally, even ones who seem great can be lazy arseholes. At least I know this one’s weaknesses. Better the devil you know?

Sorry you are in this position, I think I’d be stupid to have #3 but I’m insanely glad I had #2, so wanted to give that perspective.

I agree with some PP, it sounds like you really want another child. If this is your priority for yourself and your son I would have one with your husband, lean into your nanny more, can’t she come earlier/stay later? Then reevaluate the relationship in the future

Just throwing this in there. I found having one baby far harder than when I had the second as I was already acclimatised I think. Also, siblings can (but not always) keep each other amused.
Sounds like your relationship is dead in the water, but if you want 2 children then why not have them with him anyway? Sounds like you have a great nanny, and plenty of women bring up kids on their own...which sounds like what you'd be doing. But maybe if you went into this with no expectations about him helping out it might just work?

Oh and as OP mentioned, the problem of him doing so little is massively amplified by you working so hard, such long hours with a tiny baby AND pumping AND night feeds… wish I could wave a magic wand and give you a week off work. It sounds like you are desperately tired.

Is working less an option - both of you do 4 days / week and spend one with the baby, reduce nanny hours and financially come out ok? I wouldn’t want to be pregnant in your current situation…

35 isn't that old tbh. If you ditch him quickly, you've got time to meet someone else and have more children, if that's what you want.

It might be "tidier" to have two children with the same father, but like you I'm not sure I could be cold-blooded enough to bring another child into an obviously failing relationship. I wouldn't particularly judge anyone who was, though, if they wanted two kids.

I don't think it's cold hearted. I think blended families are far more of an issue for children. One child is here while the other child goes to other dad's house. Fuck that. You don't have much time. Have the baby you want. Give him an ultimatum. Mean it. Use your extra money to make life as easy as home, if it doesn't get better you'll have the family you want minus the man child.

Last ditch option would be to engineer situations in which your husband has no choice but to assume sole responsibility, eg you go away for the weekend, which would also give you a break. Literally give him no choice and see if he does step up (and maybe learn something about how much work you are doing). I know this is so difficult when still breastfeeding/pumping for such a young baby but if you are planning to stay together anyway this could be an option for when baby is less dependent on you eg 12-24 months.

I adore children and understand your deep sorrow at the thought of possibly only getting to do it all once. However, if it makes you feel better my children are friends with some truly fantastic and very happy and well rounded onlies. It's not like it used to be in our generation (I'm around the same age as you). It's much more commonplace/ordinary to be an only and there is such a huge variety of opportunities/clubs/outings to do with or without siblings and friends. Also, the sibling bond is very special but at the end of the day my children aren't half as excited to spend the day with each other as they are to spend it with their favourite friends. 8 month old babies are also rubbish, your life will be infinitely easier and all around more enjoyable when your LO is 2 or 3 years and over; whatever happens in your marriage.

@dijonketchup yes you are right. If I had 12 months mat leave (really wish we hadn't left the UK right now), I'd probably feel different as breastfeeding is a doozy and doing all the baby related stuff is fine while on mat leave. And we'd have family help, a nanny can only do so much.

I have had a hard week, I got mastitis on Tuesday and baby is teething, so maybe I am extra emotional but I did feel the same last week too (just not enough to post on MN).

Dropping hours in my job doesn't work. It's all or nothing really.

There's that side of it.

If I were you, I'd try for the second child one way or another. I love my older one to pieces and would have been happy with just him, but tbh I find having two children easier than I found one. It's not always harder, it depends on the personalities.

This is helpful, thank you!

My partner was like this after our first. He left me alone to do everything with an extremely poorly and colicky baby. And allowed his mother to be horrendous to me. I wanted another baby so went for it. He was completely different after our second. Quit all his hobbies and done everything he should have done first time around. No idea what changed and I do feel sad that he couldn't have been like this with our first but we're a year into life with two and he couldn't do more to help.

I’m a solo mum of an only child. His father left me when I was pregnant for OW. I moved to the countryside near my family and since my DS started school we’ve created a wonderful network of friends and our weekends are spent with his buddies and their parents. If I needed anything, one of my friends would be there. My DS is 7 now and always says how happy he is to get home, where it’s just the two of us, calm, happy and peaceful. Life isn’t just about blood relatives, some of my actual family I haven’t spoken to for years. It’s about strong networks and creating a community for your children, which can be done through wonderful friendships. Good luck OP.

I hadn't read this when I posted my response but 100% this was my experience too. Sums it up much better than I did!!

FWIW I stopped pumping at work at 8 months and just fed before and after (plus during the night). I had built up a freezer stash but figured she didn’t sleep well anyway so she had plenty of time for milk that I’d just not bother for the working day. Really helped my sanity

@Amaura so your baby had no milk in the day? He's taking really well to solids but tbh he's still having milk every 2-2.5 hours (he's a chunky milk monster).

It sounds to me like you’ve emotionally checked out if the relationship anyway. I know he’s behaving like a total dick but is this the whole reason you want to leave him or is it the straw that broke the camel’s back? If it’s the latter, I don’t think 35 is too old to have another baby in the not too distant future, many women have successful pregnancies up to at least 40. Yes, you’d have to be lucky enough to meet someone you want to do that with in a limited amount of time but you’ll never know what’s out there until you try. And 35 is definitely not too late to meet someone new! If you’re really unhappy do you really want to spend another 35+ years with this man and be a poor model for a relationship for your child? It may be that you don’t have another child but meet someone else who makes you much happier, that sounds better than this. Or you may meet someone else with kids and become part of a blended family, your DC is so young they’d grow up like siblings. If you love him and it’s just his recent behaviour that’s making you this unhappy then I’d give him an ultimatum- sort it out or you leave. If you genuinely don’t love him anymore I’d leave. It’s not like you couldn’t handle being a single mother- sounds like you’re doing that now anyway! I’m a single mum of a young only child and I love our relationship- we’re so close and we have so much fun together, it’s a bond I’d never have if I had more than one or if I was still with my ex

Six months in is not the time to be thinking about having another baby. I have three and if you had asked me at six months whether I would have had another it would have been a no!

The number of hours you are working plus the pumping must be extremely hard. It’s no wonder you feel the way you do and are resentful towards your husband. Unfortunately with breastfeeding it really is all on the woman. it will get easier now they are starting to wean and there is an end in sight. I didn’t start thinking about another child until mine were around 20 months.

I have a two friends who couldn’t stand their husbands after their first child for similar reasons to you. Both wanted a second child and stuck it out knowing they would need to do the majority of the work with the baby. One is now happy in her relationship with two children. The other will probably divorce her husband but doesn’t regret having two children.

I would wait another 18 months to make any decisions about your marriage or another child.

I think considering how precarious the marriage seems to be it would be madness to add another baby.
I have one dc and took the opportunity to raise them differently to how my parents did with me. So there were plenty of sleepovers, lots of play dates with friends and cousins and generally loads of quality 121 time.

My ex was like yours really, lovely guy before dc but completely useless with the practicalities of dealing with a baby. He generally carried on without his life changing much. The day he went back to work after his 2 weeks paternity leave was a total shock to my system - he got in the car and drove to the office whilst I was literally holding the baby and had to do a full shift working from home, juggling that with breastfeeding and constant nappies. We were both working, but my life felt like it had been turned upside down and the resentment and disappointment stemming from that never left me. It made me realise that he didn't care about me the way that I did him and I began to detach.
Sadly most husbands/partners of the other kids throughout nursery and school seemed very similar with the women doing the lions share, plus working.

A pp suggested leaving when dc are young and I would agree with that, you're doing it all anyway so it's not going to get harder, if anything you will lose the feeling of resentment and be better for it.

Sorry to hear about the mastitis, it's bloody excruciating and I feel for you. If you use nipple shields during feeding try to go without? I found they made my mastitis even worse despite everything being so sterile.

From the way your opening post was worded I would have guessed you were closer to 45. Of course you have time, at 35, to leave this waste of space and find another partner / go it alone!

You’re on the road to divorce already though. At least having another one gets some part of what you want in life. And it sounds like you can throw money at the lifestyle to help.

I went back to work at 6 months with both my kids. Breast fed before work and after work, and they had formula during the day. Was able to keep that going to 10 months for one and 11 months for the other. Not perfect but better than stopping all together and no way was I going to pump in the office.

And also, it just needs saying - you are a champ, OP. You are clearly so strong and capable and resilient

Does he want another baby? If he does the only way is to lay it on the line how he has to step up. I agree with other posters you need to go out for the day and leave him with baby to bond/step up. If you are always around you will always be the default parent. And.... going back after 6 months is hard... give yourself a break. This is a difficult time and having no sleep is horrible!!!

Good grief ! you are so young !
plenty of time to have another baby with a new partner.

why don't you just divorce this lazy husband - whom is contributing so little to your life or to family life.

move on, there is a very good chance you will meet someone else then if you want you can have a 2nd child.

you may have been miserable being an only child, but not every only child is miserable.

p.s. you won't be breast feeding forever will you. so the end of that is in sight.

Breastmilk should be your baby's main source of nutrition until one year old, so I'd keep doing what you're doing, then only take on Amaura's suggestion after he turns 1yr old, if you're both ok with that. But do note that when you stop feeding/pumping regularly, your supply will very much lessen.

I have a practical suggestion that I am not saying deals with any of the bigger issues. Just stop pumping. Give baby formula when you aren’t there. Breastfeed in morning and evening if you fancy it, though personally I would probably stop that too if it risked leading to reverse cycling and more night waking.

breastfeeding is great. But it is not worth this hurt to you and your strength and sense of self, especially when the baby is already a good age.

once I had done that I would also fuck off on holiday with my mates for a few days and leave him with the baby when nanny not around and/or start going to a lovely evening yoga class once a week, leaving him with baby.