Lazy DH, need to accept only having one child

[DepressingMumLife234]

I have an 8 month old baby and DH as wonderful as he used to be pre-baby, has proven himself to be a pretty lazy arse. He honestly couldn't do enough for me and baby in the first 6 weeks but then he sort of got tired and bored and it was all downhill from there. He brings nothing to the table other than he's the biological father and he plays nicely with the baby and baby finds him funny. His life is back to normal with zero regard for me and baby.

I've gone back to work (had to, we only get 6 months mat leave where we live) and the balance between us has gotten worse, not better. I make more money than him and work longer hours too, so life is feeling pretty unfair.

I would have to be an idiot to have another baby with him. I'm too old to find someone else and not sure I even want to look at a man ever again anyway. But this means my baby is an only and it makes me really sad. I'm an only child and have zero extended family. DH's siblings are all child free and too old to hope they will change their minds. They're not all that close anyway. So it's just going to be me and my (absolutely perfect) baby (and DH if I can bear to not divorce him once baby is older).

I don't know what I want from this post. I'm lonely and sad and guess hoping for some words of wisdom from other women.

We've had all the chats about workload etc already, no point talking to him about it anymore honestly.

Don't tell me to just leave him, I probably will anyway. It won't solve my only child problem.

True you can start again with someone else as you are so young, but this is a common theme with men, so how can you guarantee the next man would be different? I think we have to find a way to affect change in our current relationships, to change the “system” now. It’s too late for me, I went through similar when my children were younger and the resentment ended my relationship (along with other reasons) but if I had to do it over again, I would put my foot down and force changes. I realised too late that I had more power than I thought at the time, we just naturally settled into more traditional roles but it didn’t have to be that way. Just even little things, so many little things, like sharing bathtimes, nap times 50/50 and when older: pickups/dropoffs, making lunches 50/50, etc. I get your frustration at the carrots without salt thing (I had very similar) and it seems so ridiculous that you would have to for instance write it down on paper and leave it on the counter so he can see it and remember it, but if that is what it takes? I know, I get it, they should WANT to make things fair but it is what it is. Maybe when we force them to do more, absolutely refuse to let them get away with not doing their fair share, they will realise all by themselves how unfair it was before and how they were willingly happy to go along with that and they will learn something there.

I was better with babies and DH is better with tweens and teens (and certainly does more and is more proactive!). IMO it’s not a 50/50 clear cut split of parenting work for every year of a child’s life. Maybe you’ll sit back and do less when your children are older? I’ve often seen this happen 😊

I was in a very similar situation and now my DD is 16. DH however was awful during pregnancy. DH showed no help or interest when DD was a baby, very self-focused and checked out, and I made it clear that I wouldn't have any more children with him. Like you, I was the sole focus of my parents who were needy and suffocating me as an adult and I had always wanted a bigger family and definitely siblings for my child.

What I can tell you is that things both do and don't change. DH is very involved with DD the more she grew, however, he has remained a "fun parent" while I do all the of the actual responsible things, pretty much managing DD's life while he just acts like her friend. I do think that your husband will start to be much more involved when your son is three or four, but of course, in what way? Time will tell.

As for your son being an only child, I have been surprised to learn in time that DD never would have wanted a sibling, is very content being an only, and prefers it that way. In the end, it is actually me who regrets not having another child and I have grieved this considerably. DH made peace long ago with only having one. To this day, I do resent DH for the way he was back then which led me to not have that child. Might the resentment have lessened if I didn't let it stop me from what I wanted? Perhaps. I would absolutely tell you that if you really want a second child, you should do it.

I can't say that it all worked out for the best, and I often wonder how things might have turned out if I'd left DH early on and maybe met someone else (you never know what's possible), but this is how it played out. I can definitely rely on DH to do things parenting wise, however, I always have to ask if it's anything non "fun." He will do it, but again, he'd rather leave the actual work of parenting to me.

I do think that it's not completely uncommon for men to leave the baby stage to the wives. Not fair or right but from what I've seen with most husbands I know, very, very common.

The one thing I did to get through that stage without feeling any support was by reminding myself of all the bonding that I got to do with the baby that he was missing out on. His loss.