Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

Sorry all, my phone died and nothing was there when I got back in so I reposted from memory thinking the original hadn’t sent. Have asked to get it taken down.

@EleanorRigby2U I have to agree with @Thewookiemustgo she is very insightful as usual. Of course there are cases where the OW is fully aware of what is happening in the primary relationship and doesn’t care but more often than not they are equally lied to. I’m sure your AP spouted a lot of ‘you’re the love of my life’ to his wife in order to convince her to stay. The truth is he doesn’t want you to move on so saying things like that keep you where he wants you. His actions don’t show love, they show selfishness and dishonesty.

It always boggles my mind that OW doesn’t see the primary relationship as being cheated on. You are dating someone who goes home to another woman, tells her he loves her and most likely is intimate (they all say they aren’t but that’s rarely true). The only way it makes sense is if the OW believes that there is no intimacy or love there, they’re just housemates who are tied financially (possibly with children). It’s self delusion.

The bubble that is created when people have affairs is so unlike reality it’s impossible to know the AP. Often they bond over a traumatic experience or a deeply personal situation that builds this false sense of who they are as a person. But who we are is actually in the mundane humdrum of everyday life. And the reality of who that person is, is someone capable of being cruel and callous with those who trust and rely on them.

The stats show that very few affairs that do turn into a proper relationships go the distance. This is because the fantasy is always more alluring than the real thing. And those involved in affairs have proven themselves not to be built for a long term relationship.

Every love story needs a plot point that keeps the star crossed lovers from being together. What better than a wife he doesn’t love and children he adores and can’t leave? Without this ‘obstacle’ the story is pretty boring.

I didn’t mean to derail the thread. I’m just coming at it from a different perspective. I think there is more to staying in the primary relationship than just because the OW meant nothing. They have a reputation to maintain - and you’ve got to believe the OP’s husband will be caring about that above all else.

No doubt. To potentially blow your life up over someone you had no connection with would be idiotic. However there is a huge gap between nothing and true love. It’s hard to romanticise someone that puts their own needs and reputation above their supposed loved ones (including the AP).

I think often they are in love with the version of themselves that they have portrayed to the AP. That’s the hardest part to let go. Love isn’t lying, manipulation and selfishness. Genuine love is hard to come by and I am more and more convinced some people are just not capable of it.

I agree with what you say. I think in many situations both women should walk away entirely because the man at the centre isn’t capable of putting either one first. But a lot of advice on here steers towards reconciliation when reconciliation should really only be when there is remorse, regret and a complete desire to work together to move on from infidelity. The OP does not have that. She isn’t even asking for it. She’s just hoping he “forgets” this other woman (his junior in work!!) as if the problem is the OW and not the coward she married

IMO leaving the cheating partner, even if you are open to reconciliation, is the only way to truly know they are in it for the right reasons. If staying together is the easy option in most cases that will be the road they want to take. However the ‘fantasy’ isn’t completely over and is still romanticised in their minds. It’s why the cheating partner will beg and cry for forgiveness and then as soon as it happens, make contact with their AP. Sounds like this is what happened to you and the OP.

Making reconciliation the real work, and giving them the freedom to pursue the AP and take the relationship beyond their bubble will either shatter the fantasy or if it is a soulmate scenario then at least the partner who was cheated on has ripped off the plaster, rather than sink more time and effort trying to reconcile with a person who is only there out of guilt and shame.

That’s exactly right.

If you end the relationship then that relationship is over.

if you want to start a new one with them again, fair enough but don’t make it easy by allowing them to brush it under the rug quickly and continuing on.

That only adds you into the game.

Air it.

I don’t think the OW necessarily meant nothing, but @OchreRaven nails it with the fact that they are in love with the version of themselves they are in the affair.
I still stick to the fact that pretty much nothing stops people from doing what they want to do.
If shame and guilt ever meant anything to them, the last thing they’d do is have an affair in the first place. Affairs are very little to do with love, they are more to do with how the affair makes them feel about themselves and how it allows them to view themselves.
Attracting anybody makes us feel more desirable, validates our desirability. If we find them attractive or see their attention as a feather in our caps, all the better. Sylvia Plath famously said that men would fall in love with a log if they slept with it often enough.
My husband said “I realised I didn’t love her, I loved the way the affair made me feel. Young, attractive, desirable again. I wasn’t in love with her, I was in love with the situation. When I ended it I felt relief, not sadness. I thought she was the answer, but actually she was the problem. I wasn’t so much running to her, I was running away from myself. She asked me if she was just my midlife crisis, of course I said she wasn’t. But we both really knew she was.”
Most affairs are new relationship butterflies and romance on acid. They don’t last long when reality hits and real life choices need making for that very reason. They last a long time if undiscovered because the butterflies stuff is prolonged by the inability to try out the relationship in the real world. Obstacles to being together add to the longing and ‘if only’s of it all and allow those feelings to last way longer than in a real relationship.
The affair ends and somebody is left with the romance and longing and ‘if only’ situation, but the other person (usually the one who wants their marriage) can’t decamp fast enough to save what they really want. Now that they are finally prioritising their marriage and being the ‘good guy’ again, the guilt transfers to the affair relationship and all the things they said to their AP that they know they can’t and don’t want to live up to. To soft soap the shit sandwich they just dealt their affair partner, who believed the stuff they said, the AP hears “Of course I love you and can’t get over you, but I can’t leave because it’s too hard/ I’ll break their hearts/ hurt their mental health/ can’t break up my family/ love my children/ insert other crap here….”
The affair goes from being the answer to their issues to being the problem that could blow up their lives.
In case the fact that they had an affair eventually blows up their life anyway because their wife dumps them, some keep the AP dangling with contact and ‘woe is me I can’t get over you.” If the AP is still waiting in the wings, their job is made far easier.
For the umpteenth time, watch what they DO. That’s what they want/ value most. If they ever valued their reputation most, they’d never have an affair in the first place either. Especially a workplace affair which is easily and publicly detected.

@Thewookiemustgo Interesting take. I guess, what makes my situation more complicated is that H wants to be with me and has no intention of getting together with the OW (or so he says). He expressed remorse and regret to me many times and is committed to our marriage. Having said that, he continues to work in his old place of employment with the OW in the same office. Some posters have asked me how many jobs he has applied for and how many interviews he has had, and the answer is he hasn't applied for any jobs.

You say watch what they DO, not what they say. What do you make of this?

So he is not committed to you then!

He is telling you what you want to hear.

@Strawberrina I think this is what most have us have been trying to say. You take his word like it’s gospel even when he’s a proven liar. His actions don’t match his words. Maybe he’s lazy, complacent, scared, selfish or maybe he still wants to be around the OW even if he doesn’t want her to be his primary relationship. But it’s not up to you to guess at the reason his actions aren’t matching his words.

He knows how much staying in the job is hurting you. He says he doesn’t want to hurt you. He continues to work with her and makes no steps to change this.

Where do you think his priorities lie? What has he shown you with his actions over and over?

I know the answer — himself.

I think that you are somewhat clouded by the reasons your H did it and came out of it because not much of that resonates with my experience. I put that I was the love of his life in inverted commas because it was what he said not really what I believe. I agree about the stuff to do with the relationship and how it makes the cheater feel about themselves but that is also conditions under which love does flourish. We love someone romantically primarily because of how they make us feel about ourselves. Turning that into a real relationship means taking it from just how good it makes them feel to hurting someone else and prioritising someone other than themselves and that’s where some affairs hit the snag.

The OP’s husband doesn’t want to leave her and so probably isn’t going to but he has said he loves both. I agree with watch actions. But actions can’t just be that he’s stayed at home because ultimately that involved not really having to do anything. Actions have to be changes to make the primary relationship work too. ATM the op just hopes he will forget this woman and tbh he probably will - but she won’t.

But what do you feel? How does it make you feel deep inside?
We all write from our own experiences/viewpoints but we're not you and we only have the outline of your situation really. How can we, the anon strangers know your husbands truth?

The pain of my XH 2nd big betrayal was unbearable beyond belief and I don't feel one really gets over it. A post above somewhere here said staying can be harder than separating and I've done both in my life (a reconciliation and then split with 30 yrs inbetween).
Both scenarios are equally hard but in different ways.

I don't doubt your H wants to keep his marriage and family life intact. So believe him and don't rock the boat. But you can't ever trust him again and that state of anxiety inside you, the second guessing and being all ok on the surface really has an impact on one's mind.

I told mine to leave 2 days after D Day as I needed him out of my space. I also wanted to see what he would do.
He faked living in our other house nearby and moved in with her but then was constantly popping over, trying to talk to me etc and provoke me into a pick me dance (AP was dancing even harder at this point ).

I judged him by his actions and went through the pain of divorce, supporting adult children through it, had a breakdown and crawled out the other side feeling like I have never ever felt since the first affair 31 years prior. . A lightness of spirit, no anxiety buried inside me , no fear that could surface as a slightly bitter persona sometimes etc.

But that's just my story and an incredible somatic therapist 8 months post split truly changed my life as all my trauma I intellectuallised, I 'understood' his reasons and so on but I got down to the core of how it made me feel.
One of the best quotes I read was from Cheating in a Nutshell and is below;

"A lie is an assumption of power over another. A lie is an assault that attacks not only the dignity of the other person but also their physical and mental well-being.
A lie steals power from the one deceived. It reduces their alternatives.
It causes the betrayed person to act as they never would have acted had they known the truth.
A liar deliberately feeds inaccurate information, and when there are children, the lies reverberate in their lives as well".

Your issue now is that you don't trulyknow if he's telling you the truth and asking us if he is.
We don't truly know either. Sorry.

And just to add some anecdotal, his affair went to s**t after only a few months, carried on (as she needed him to financially support her) and he then got financially entwined with her in a joint business venture.

After 3 years together (18 months as affair then the rest together) he wanted out but is a weak man and stayed but then cheated on her. She dumped him. And then I was made very aware (by my MIL) that he regrets everything but I have moved on and don't have any communication with him at all beyond polite interaction at the odd family event.
It's sad but I feel I have kept my dignity this time and both my adult (married) children totally get it.

I guess, what makes my situation more complicated is that H wants to be with me and has no intention of getting together with the OW (or so he says). He expressed remorse and regret to me many times and is committed to our marriage.

I’m quite sure he does want to stay with you - because he doesn’t want to upend his life. All the faff of moving house, divorce proceedings, unpicking finances.

You’ve seemingly confused this with him loving you.

@VicksJunkie In your view, is it possible to love a person and have an affair/cheat on them?

@Strawberrina what I make of this is what I see: a man going back to a place where his mistress works and he can see her every day.
saying he’s committed to the marriage is t medal-worthy, he’s supposed to be, it’s kind of the point of marriage! I’d be asking what he thinks/ how he feels about OW and what he’s going to do about that, because seeing her every day at work suggests he’s committed to his marriage, ie he doesn’t want to leave, but it doesn’t scream to me that he wants nothing to do with her. This is what I’ve been trying to say, personally I’d want the grand gesture of leaving that place, as a mark of respect to me and proof that he’s prepared to greatly inconvenience himself for my sake.
Reconciliation requires absolute no contact at all with the affair partner, as a starting point. No contact means just that: not seeing, talking to, calling or messaging again, ever. Staying in his job renders that impossible. Time to leave that job.

@Strawberrina No, I don’t think you can love someone and cheat on them. I don’t think you would subject someone you cared about to that kind of experience, which can be completely life-shattering. However, my thoughts and feelings don’t matter. You clearly think your marriage is salvageable and worth saving.

Personally, I think you’re intellectualising this to a worrying degree. You seem almost dissociated from the experience you’re going through. You’ve had pages and pages of women giving you advice, often highly personal, and you’re still at the stage of musing whether this absolute wanker loves you, and blaming the other woman for driving down your street.

edited to add: is this a form of research? Are you writing a book? It all feels bizarre.

@Strawberrina OP you keep asking the same questions and rejecting the answers you are given! you are determined that your husband still loves you to bits but if he loved you he would never have cheated in the first place! you are worried more about your lifestyle changing rather than being worried about him cheating. you keep insisting you are correct so why did you bother posting at all????

He had an affair. Repeatedly.
He tells you it’s over it repeatedly shows you by his actions he’s lying,
He won’t make any changes to reassure you that it’s over.

Surely his actions tell you all you need to know?

If you aren’t willing to make any changes to the way you are responding to this situation, as sure as hell he’s not going to either!

Do you really feel like he has committed to your marriage? Do you feel loved and secure?

You obviously don't because, apart from these glib words (and as they say, talk is cheap), he hasn't done anything to prove that he is genuinely committed to your marriage and to you. He has made no sacrifices. He hasn't inconvenienced himself in any way.

You are now hyper-vigilant and constantly looking for signs that the affair hasn't actually ended.

You must feel constantly exhausted. That is no way to live. You are obviously an intelligent woman with a good and fulfilling job. Know your own worth and make the decision to end the marriage yourself.

@Strawberrina what does ‘love’ mean to you?

Affairs happen for a variety of reasons. In a lot of cases I think the man possibly does still love the wife. In other cases he won’t and will stay out of fear/duty/guilt. In other cases he’ll use the OW as a catalyst to leave a relationship that was over.

We can’t tell you what your husband feels but he HAS. He told you he loves you both in different ways. We all define love differently and for him he clearly doesn’t feel he needs to put you or your feelings first and he’s proven that in his actions since the affair ended. It’s you who now needs to make a decision. Is that kind of love enough or not?