I have an adult stepson, X, in his thirties. I have been with his Dad since he was 7. His Dad and his Mum decided to separate before I came along, and X spent a lot of time in our house.
X had a turbulent relationship with his own mother. He has high functioning autism and this has meant he's experienced all sorts of difficulties related to thinking and feeling in a way that's different.
As a child and as a teenager he could be very challenging and there were a few occasions when I got angry with him, because he would simply push and push till it was impossible. And everything was always everybody else's fault and they were complete unreasonable. (Mostly I stayed calm and or left things to his Dad but there were times when this wasn't possible.) So there were times when I shouted but these were rare occasions. Mostly family life just went on in as ordinary way as possible. Meals holidays, outings etc. Definitely some very happy times. My stepdaughter says life was a lot more turbulent when they were at their Mums. Masses of shouting and at least one occasion - before he got too big - when she pinned him against the wall and completely lost her rags. At other times she just gave up.
Anyway he settled down a lot and has seemed more mature. He has a partner and a young child and they live a couple of miles away. Recently I pressed him a bit about something which would have involved my going round to his house to collected something. He kept putting me off and saying he and his partner didn't know what they were doing and it was so hard with his small son as well.. Commitment management has never been one of his strengths, but I thought, 'Well he's now at a point where he's having to be more responsible for basic stuff.
So I texted him pressing him for an exact time, and mentioned how much time managment I had to do as a parent and step-parent when he was younger.
He sent me a furious reply, bringing up two times when I'd been angry with him in his chiidhood - one that was very ordinary crossness when he'd ignored a warning from me and broken something fragile, and how horrible this had been. But he also brought up a third incident and this was something which my partner and I absolutely know never happened and which I would do. He said that when he was 8 or 9 I sworn at him and called him bastard because he was illegitimate. (Actually his parents got married well before he was born.) He said I was childish and that he owed me nothing.
It's very difficult because there had been an assumption that I would be helping him and his partner before too long with childcare.
But I don't really feel I can do that any more because I feel that he's produced a version of events that is so at odds with what I remember.
I don't know if anyone else has had to deal with accusations like that. If so, how have they processed it?
Obviously I'm not a saint. But I am on very steady terms with my stepdaughter who is very positive about how I relate to her children. And my other child - the one I had since getting together with their Dad is doing well. (The occasional glitch along the way but it's a strong relationship.