Accusation By Adult Stepson

[PollyHutchen]

I have an adult stepson, X, in his thirties. I have been with his Dad since he was 7. His Dad and his Mum decided to separate before I came along, and X spent a lot of time in our house.

X had a turbulent relationship with his own mother. He has high functioning autism and this has meant he's experienced all sorts of difficulties related to thinking and feeling in a way that's different.

As a child and as a teenager he could be very challenging and there were a few occasions when I got angry with him, because he would simply push and push till it was impossible. And everything was always everybody else's fault and they were complete unreasonable. (Mostly I stayed calm and or left things to his Dad but there were times when this wasn't possible.) So there were times when I shouted but these were rare occasions. Mostly family life just went on in as ordinary way as possible. Meals holidays, outings etc. Definitely some very happy times. My stepdaughter says life was a lot more turbulent when they were at their Mums. Masses of shouting and at least one occasion - before he got too big - when she pinned him against the wall and completely lost her rags. At other times she just gave up.

Anyway he settled down a lot and has seemed more mature. He has a partner and a young child and they live a couple of miles away. Recently I pressed him a bit about something which would have involved my going round to his house to collected something. He kept putting me off and saying he and his partner didn't know what they were doing and it was so hard with his small son as well.. Commitment management has never been one of his strengths, but I thought, 'Well he's now at a point where he's having to be more responsible for basic stuff.

So I texted him pressing him for an exact time, and mentioned how much time managment I had to do as a parent and step-parent when he was younger.

He sent me a furious reply, bringing up two times when I'd been angry with him in his chiidhood - one that was very ordinary crossness when he'd ignored a warning from me and broken something fragile, and how horrible this had been. But he also brought up a third incident and this was something which my partner and I absolutely know never happened and which I would do. He said that when he was 8 or 9 I sworn at him and called him bastard because he was illegitimate. (Actually his parents got married well before he was born.) He said I was childish and that he owed me nothing.

It's very difficult because there had been an assumption that I would be helping him and his partner before too long with childcare.

But I don't really feel I can do that any more because I feel that he's produced a version of events that is so at odds with what I remember.

I don't know if anyone else has had to deal with accusations like that. If so, how have they processed it?

Obviously I'm not a saint. But I am on very steady terms with my stepdaughter who is very positive about how I relate to her children. And my other child - the one I had since getting together with their Dad is doing well. (The occasional glitch along the way but it's a strong relationship.

This 💯
But also “recollections may vary” so in his head he is not lying, he just remembers things differently to the OP.
Better to be safe rather than sorry and do not mind the child alone.

Or perhaps the OP is sick of her life revolving around her stepchildren and she was under the assumption that a grown man in his thirties could simply confirm an arrangement without her needing to continue to manage his behaviour?

Because I’m assuming the OP was probably around the same age as her stepson is now when she was taking care of him and it is relevant to be able to say that she was expected to grow up and get on with things so it’s his turn to do the same. The infantilising of grown adults is ridiculous these days.

This 100% - it's clearly bullshit or he wouldn't be asking for free childcare.

Do not cave in, do not provide free childcare for someone who's prepared to lie like this.

As others have rightly said, he may well decide to accuse you of something with his own kid. Also, why would you put yourself out for someone who's prepared to treat you this way?

Sounds like you sent him a bitchy text and you’re trying to create drama

which suggests that maybe you weren’t the great step mother you say you were

I’d apologise for anything I did wrong but point out parenting is stressful and no one is perfect. I would be clear the last one didn’t happen. Depending on his reaction as wether you help them going forward

What makes you think he is expecting you to provide childcare, @PollyHutchen ?

you antagonised him by saying "So I texted him pressing him for an exact time, and mentioned how much time management I had to do as a parent and step-parent when he was younger."
....you brought up the past.
yes bad idea for you to babysit for him you wind each other up.

IMO if you want to know what time to meet someone the grown up thing to do is say, "Please tell me exactly what time you want me to be there." Not bring up events of thirty years previously to demonstrate that your own parenting skills were vastly superior to your son's (struggling with time management because he has a newborn - oh the horror?!). I'm not surprised he snapped back.

And if you are making arrangements to meet up with somebody then the grown up thing to do is to specify a time with plenty of notice so that the other person is not left having to contact you to ask you multiple times as if they were your PA. It’s a two way street.

It’s also important to remember that someone can still be your child but they stop being an actual child way before their thirties, and in the OP’s case it seems to me that she was getting tired of being expected to treat a grown man like a child.

Have a talk through events with family members. You will quite quickly find things someone doesn't remember which you do or vice versa, as well as differences in memories.
Not even just with negative things, it's just how memory functions.

@PhilomenaPunk Yes, I think you’ve explained the point that the OP was trying to make to her SS-that adults in their 30’s do make definite arrangements/specify times and that he needs to start doing that.

Anyway, she clearly needs to back off with childcare and let her DH take the lead with contact.

So she couldn’t have just sent a text that said “Gentle reminder”? Or thought “Well if he can’t be bothered, I’m not going to chase him up”?

I can’t believe she really needed to turn this into “This is just like that time in 1996 when you missed your train and I had to drive you”.

@HellDorado I don’t think that the OP’s approach was great, but I’m assuming that she’d been waiting for ages to pick up whatever it was and he was refusing to give her a date/time. She lost her temper, which isn’t nice. He does need to start respecting other people’s time though, he’s in his 30’s.

First Wives Club alert

Always astounds me how people are happy to leave the children they claim to love to be cared for by someone they clearly despise

So the OP’s options are more labour trying to manage a grown man’s behaviour or ignore the situation and risk then being accused of being neglectful? Give over.

Yea, my childless friend nearly divorced 2 years ago when her step daughter of 15 years who was bearly coolly polite throughout her marriage, somehow thought her father would be childcare for her....with step mother on convenient standby ......without so much as a conversation with her directly.

Well she was very wrong. She had no intention of spending 5 minutes doing childcare when she retired from 40 years of teaching.

She told her husband crack on with his childcare.
She filled her weeks with busy activities, visiting family and friends, training for the Camino and booked a trip to Australia to reinforce the point.

Funny how her husband barely lasted two weeks doing it and couldn't bear how restrictive it was.
He was stuck doing it for nearly 6 months while she waited for a creche place.
He hugely resented her freedom.

Things in her marriage got very stressed and she extended her Australia trip until his childcare commitments finished.
They went into couples therapy as she told him she was done.
They are only getting back on track after 2 full years.

More labour? How would forwarding a text with the two-word message “gentle reminder” be more laborious than trotting out incidents of poor time management from 30 years ago? And not replying at all and leaving it up to him requires absolutely zero labour!

I think you’re the one who needs to “give over”.

Well you might not see the value of your own time but the OP clearly does, as do more and more women these days, who, refreshingly, are no longer prepared to waste their time and energy on managing the behaviour of grown men.

Good on your friend. It’s about time women stopped being seen as labour providers in every single aspect of their lives. Look after your husband, your children (if you have them), your stepchildren (if you have them), then their children, and potentially your parents and his parents to boot? I genuinely know women who have had to all of the above and have run themselves absolutely ragged.

It’s literally only on Mn that I see the expectation that grandparents will do the regular daytime childcare — is it a cultural thing? My workplace had a menopause information session a few years ago and whoever was organising it played a film of some anthropologist saying that the three ‘big-brained species’ (humans, killer whales and something else) had evolved menopause to ‘take women offline’ so that the tribe could benefit from the grandmothers’ wisdom in bringing up the next generation. To which every single woman present, from a range of nationalities, said ‘Fuck that. I’m planning to spend my later years having a good time, especially post-retirement.’

I think it certainly is an expectation by a lot of cultures that is thankfully being pushed back against by a lot of women. It’s ridiculous isn’t it? Women are expected to just give, give, give. That’s bad enough when the person doing the expecting shows some gratitude but to do it for someone treating you with so much contempt? Fuck that.

Since your stepson blew a gasket and made accusations that you harmed him as a child, I don't think providing any
childcare for him would be at all suitable.

"there had been an assumption that I would be helping him and his partner before too long with childcare."

Does this mean you providing childcare hasn't been clearly discussed and agreed on? I think given his recent behaviour, you need to tell him clearly that you won't be providing childcare. If he pressures you, tell him his accusations have made that impossible.

You absolutely should not risk it. And maybe your husband should think twice too. Sucks for stepson's partner, but - I wouldn't.

You have tried but now is the time to say No more. He is now a grown man with a relationship and a child and needs to learn not to have tantrums like a child. Please do not do any childcare or god knows what allegations will be made against you in the future.