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Original poster

Accusation By Adult Stepson

85 replies

PollyHutchen · 07/04/2025 21:46

I have an adult stepson, X, in his thirties. I have been with his Dad since he was 7. His Dad and his Mum decided to separate before I came along, and X spent a lot of time in our house.

X had a turbulent relationship with his own mother. He has high functioning autism and this has meant he's experienced all sorts of difficulties related to thinking and feeling in a way that's different.

As a child and as a teenager he could be very challenging and there were a few occasions when I got angry with him, because he would simply push and push till it was impossible. And everything was always everybody else's fault and they were complete unreasonable. (Mostly I stayed calm and or left things to his Dad but there were times when this wasn't possible.) So there were times when I shouted but these were rare occasions. Mostly family life just went on in as ordinary way as possible. Meals holidays, outings etc. Definitely some very happy times. My stepdaughter says life was a lot more turbulent when they were at their Mums. Masses of shouting and at least one occasion - before he got too big - when she pinned him against the wall and completely lost her rags. At other times she just gave up.

Anyway he settled down a lot and has seemed more mature. He has a partner and a young child and they live a couple of miles away. Recently I pressed him a bit about something which would have involved my going round to his house to collected something. He kept putting me off and saying he and his partner didn't know what they were doing and it was so hard with his small son as well.. Commitment management has never been one of his strengths, but I thought, 'Well he's now at a point where he's having to be more responsible for basic stuff.

So I texted him pressing him for an exact time, and mentioned how much time managment I had to do as a parent and step-parent when he was younger.

He sent me a furious reply, bringing up two times when I'd been angry with him in his chiidhood - one that was very ordinary crossness when he'd ignored a warning from me and broken something fragile, and how horrible this had been. But he also brought up a third incident and this was something which my partner and I absolutely know never happened and which I would do. He said that when he was 8 or 9 I sworn at him and called him bastard because he was illegitimate. (Actually his parents got married well before he was born.) He said I was childish and that he owed me nothing.

It's very difficult because there had been an assumption that I would be helping him and his partner before too long with childcare.

But I don't really feel I can do that any more because I feel that he's produced a version of events that is so at odds with what I remember.

I don't know if anyone else has had to deal with accusations like that. If so, how have they processed it?

Obviously I'm not a saint. But I am on very steady terms with my stepdaughter who is very positive about how I relate to her children. And my other child - the one I had since getting together with their Dad is doing well. (The occasional glitch along the way but it's a strong relationship.

OP posts:
pinotgrigiomum · 08/04/2025 02:09

He ha autism he thinking differently to you everything you think is very differently progressed in he’s head please remember that he can’t help it you can be thinking things through from a different perspective

OldCottageGreenhouse · 08/04/2025 02:15

Poor lad.

You probably did say it but don’t remember. My parents ‘forgot’ some pretty awful things they said and did but they very much did happen and I had witnesses to some of them. I think our subconscious memory chooses what to remember and what to discard.

pikkumyy77 · 08/04/2025 04:17

I have a good memory but the children never forget anything. I wouldn’t be so quick to accuse him of lying—that is a very harsh construction to put on the situation.

You would do better to give him and his wife some space, non judgmentally and without nagging. Whether you were “better” at time management in your youth is never going to be relevant to his current situation. That was completely out of line as a criticism.

MadinMarch · 08/04/2025 04:42

Tiswa · 07/04/2025 22:43

Why on earth did you bring up his childhood and how you had to parent when pressing him to do something?

the first thing to do is accept that your view of the reality of his childhood and his are clearly not the same - but that doesn’t make either wrong or right (indeed both are likely to have bias in them) and just because he remembers it differently doesn’t make it false or wrong

Actually, if OP didn't call him a bastard when he was younger, it DOES certainly make it false. And wrong for him to remember it in this way.

hattie43 · 08/04/2025 06:21

INeedAnotherName · 07/04/2025 22:24

Back away OP and definitely don't do any childcare for him as I can see SS in your future if you do. He seems quite volatile especially over a "nothing". Let DH handle ALL communication going forward.

This .
id avoid .

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 08/04/2025 06:21
  1. You were being patronising to him about time management at a time when he's got a newborn and they don't respect timetables.
  2. Human memory is fallible and both you and he can forget things, mix up two or more memories, or even mistake a vivid childhood dream for a real event. I once dreamed of an extra, secret room at my grandparents' house and spent ages looking for it when I was next there. I still think of an aerial view of a seaside town in a bay surrounded by near-vertical cliffs that I'm not sure isn't just from a dream I had.
  3. Think of the Nacho Method: he's not your child, not your problem. His newborn is also not your problem.
Hdjdb42 · 08/04/2025 06:57

I would not get involved. I also wouldn't baby sit, in case I was accused of something else.

Sunflowerhoneybee · 08/04/2025 06:58

FairlyTired · 07/04/2025 23:35

Childhood memories can easily be distorted. Given the age there is every chance he's mixed up a memory from with mum, or that you lost it at some point and don't remember, or he misheard what you said or misremembered the wording.
I wouldn't assume he's necessarily lying, just that memories from either him or both of you are patching up missing parts incorrectly.

I'm sure he remembers perfectly well.....what youre suggesting is gaslighting.

arcticpandas · 08/04/2025 07:02

I wouldn't like it if my step mum or mum would pressure me into coming around and then bringing up how much they had done for me in my childhood. It's quite insensitive of you @PollyHutchen and I can understand his reaction. No parent nor step parent is perfect and if he only had 3 occasions to mention when you weren't brillant that's pretty good. You know he's a bit emotional immature so why would you pressure him unless it was a vital issue? I think you're making this into something it isn't, maybe because you don't want to babysit for his child? If that's the case be honest about it but don't create any unnecessary drama that will just hurt everyone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/04/2025 07:05

Comparison is the thief of joy so they say. This was really poking the bear. You perhaps didn’t mean it the way he received it. However, comparing someone negatively to you, especially someone, who came into his life and he had no say in that, then parented him is never going to go down well.

Perhaps next time you could think about compassion and empathy to elicit a different response?

As for the accusation, I would let the dust settle then talk to him. Ask him questions. If it didn’t happen, he’s misremembered.

Daisyvodka · 08/04/2025 07:10

Why would you 'pressure' him into committing to a time for you to collect something? Why do you think its appropriate to bring up his childhood in order to do so? Genuinely interested to hear the responses.

Twobigbabies · 08/04/2025 07:13

What were you pressing him for? This is relevant here.

Poor kid, sounds like he had a really tough childhood but is now doing really well. Criticising him and bringing up his childhood because he wasn't obeying your orders was deeply unkind and I'm not surprised this triggered him to lash out. Time management is difficult for people with autism and he didn't deserve this comment from you.

femfemlicious · 08/04/2025 07:26

What we're you pressing hi for?. Sounds like you erred haranguing him. It's time to step back. I guess the way he remembers things is different from the way you do. If you value a relationship with him you should sit down with him and talk about it. Maybe family counselling?. Definitely no baby sitting if it's unresolved

Timble · 08/04/2025 07:45

Do you think he’s possibly mixing up a memory that was with his mum not you? I’d try and have a conversation along the lines of ‘I wasn’t perfect and shouted sometines, I wish I could have always been calm but that’s very hard, but I have never sworn at you, I wouldn’t lie, i’d apologise. I know I never would have done that, I’d be ashamed’ See what he responds with and go from there. He may be finding parenting stressful and taking it out in you?

Shirtless · 08/04/2025 07:52

Daisyvodka · 08/04/2025 07:10

Why would you 'pressure' him into committing to a time for you to collect something? Why do you think its appropriate to bring up his childhood in order to do so? Genuinely interested to hear the responses.

Yes. I think you sound tactless at best, hectoring at worst. I also think it sounds as if he had a really difficult childhood, even setting aside his autism.

You don’t say whether you were actually prepared to do childcare for his child — were you? Why?

Middleagedstriker · 08/04/2025 07:53

He sounds incredibly like my son (auADHD). I too haven't been perfect I've definitely lost it with him and he remembers this. Some of it he misremembers as do I no doubt.

He is feeling pushed into a corner and has lashed out because he has to make a decision. My DH finds incredibly hard to make decisions that involve details. Which is very frustrating. Personally for those two instances I would apologize so you don't actually remember one of them at all and are certain you would never say such a thing but if you did it was a terrible thing to say and untrue and something you would never say. Explain that we all make mistakes and that you love him.

He is probably feeling incredibly discombobulated because of the baby and is more reactive than normal.

HellDorado · 08/04/2025 08:08

So I texted him pressing him for an exact time, and mentioned how much time managment I had to do as a parent and step-parent when he was younger.

Because you couldn’t resist a little dig.

Theseventhmagpie · 08/04/2025 08:22

NotaCoolMum · 07/04/2025 21:51

if how you describe his childhood is true then I really feel for him.

Actually I feel sorry for OP. She’s clearly tried her very best in challenging circumstances.
OP, I’d be stepping back and wouldn’t involve myself with childcare for him.

Powderblue1 · 08/04/2025 08:22

OP, how did you word your text to him? Pressing him and explaining how you managed time when you were a parent and step parent I can imagine didn’t go down well. How patronising. That doesn’t mean he should make up Scenarios but I can see how this would anger him (anyone) and perhaps he remembers things differently or got both Mum and Step Mum mixed up.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2025 08:26

PollyHutchen · 07/04/2025 21:48

What I mean is that he's suddenly accused me of harming him as a child, so I don't really feel I can take the risk of looking after his own child, in case that leads to further accusations.

Has your stepson actually accused you of actually harming him?

There's a lot going on here and lots to unpick.

  1. Why were you pressing him for a time to go round there-what did you want and why was it important?
  2. Why would you bring up your amazing time keeping to someone with a baby who is struggling-that's uncalled for, unhelpful and smug.
  3. Who has assumed that you will be doing childcare for them? How do you know? Have you agreed to this? Surely that one can be resolved in about 2 minutes? 'Are you presuming I will be doing your childcare when x returns to work? But we have never discussed this? Sorry, that won't be happening'.
  4. I presume you have discussed this with your husband who agrees that you didn't swear at his son and call him a bastard? Has he gone round to find out what's going on?
BernardButlersBra · 08/04/2025 08:41

Tiswa · 07/04/2025 22:43

Why on earth did you bring up his childhood and how you had to parent when pressing him to do something?

the first thing to do is accept that your view of the reality of his childhood and his are clearly not the same - but that doesn’t make either wrong or right (indeed both are likely to have bias in them) and just because he remembers it differently doesn’t make it false or wrong

I'm guessing because she's sick of his faffing and not committing to arrangements, then wanting people to work round him. Sounds rather childish and immature of him

I would provide zero childcare and take a big step back. Sound like he's being like this as he hates being challenged so he's escalating. I have a family member like this and they are rather hard work

Streaaa · 08/04/2025 08:43

OP, you are being very sensible to withdraw from any childcare.
He has made an accusation that you do not agree with.
I think it will be better all round if you have no formal involvement with childcare.
Too risky for you.

Expect them to backtrack.
Don't you back down.
Protect yourself.

CreationNat1on · 08/04/2025 08:53

You were raking up the past in an unnecessary, rude, manipulative way, and you are surprised he rebutted you?

I doubt he will want you to baby sit, presumably getting paid for it.

Yellowtulipsdancing · 08/04/2025 08:54

When he and his wife ask for childcare, that is the time to do what he has done, he recalled some distressing events many years ago. Rather than saying no, I do not know what we are doing and I will drop the item off at yours at my convenience.

you merely say on this date in this year you accused me as your SM of XYZ, so that therefore means I am unable to do childcare at any time for you.

It will be interesting if you ever observe him being cross at his child at family events.

PhilomenaPunk · 08/04/2025 08:58

Why would you have provided childcare anyway? You clearly looked after your stepchildren when they were growing up and now you’re being expected to look after their children as well? You are not there to just provide ongoing labour for them-what about your own life?

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