Accusation By Adult Stepson

[PollyHutchen]

I have an adult stepson, X, in his thirties. I have been with his Dad since he was 7. His Dad and his Mum decided to separate before I came along, and X spent a lot of time in our house.

X had a turbulent relationship with his own mother. He has high functioning autism and this has meant he's experienced all sorts of difficulties related to thinking and feeling in a way that's different.

As a child and as a teenager he could be very challenging and there were a few occasions when I got angry with him, because he would simply push and push till it was impossible. And everything was always everybody else's fault and they were complete unreasonable. (Mostly I stayed calm and or left things to his Dad but there were times when this wasn't possible.) So there were times when I shouted but these were rare occasions. Mostly family life just went on in as ordinary way as possible. Meals holidays, outings etc. Definitely some very happy times. My stepdaughter says life was a lot more turbulent when they were at their Mums. Masses of shouting and at least one occasion - before he got too big - when she pinned him against the wall and completely lost her rags. At other times she just gave up.

Anyway he settled down a lot and has seemed more mature. He has a partner and a young child and they live a couple of miles away. Recently I pressed him a bit about something which would have involved my going round to his house to collected something. He kept putting me off and saying he and his partner didn't know what they were doing and it was so hard with his small son as well.. Commitment management has never been one of his strengths, but I thought, 'Well he's now at a point where he's having to be more responsible for basic stuff.

So I texted him pressing him for an exact time, and mentioned how much time managment I had to do as a parent and step-parent when he was younger.

He sent me a furious reply, bringing up two times when I'd been angry with him in his chiidhood - one that was very ordinary crossness when he'd ignored a warning from me and broken something fragile, and how horrible this had been. But he also brought up a third incident and this was something which my partner and I absolutely know never happened and which I would do. He said that when he was 8 or 9 I sworn at him and called him bastard because he was illegitimate. (Actually his parents got married well before he was born.) He said I was childish and that he owed me nothing.

It's very difficult because there had been an assumption that I would be helping him and his partner before too long with childcare.

But I don't really feel I can do that any more because I feel that he's produced a version of events that is so at odds with what I remember.

I don't know if anyone else has had to deal with accusations like that. If so, how have they processed it?

Obviously I'm not a saint. But I am on very steady terms with my stepdaughter who is very positive about how I relate to her children. And my other child - the one I had since getting together with their Dad is doing well. (The occasional glitch along the way but it's a strong relationship.

What I mean is that he's suddenly accused me of harming him as a child, so I don't really feel I can take the risk of looking after his own child, in case that leads to further accusations.

if how you describe his childhood is true then I really feel for him.

Don’t ramp it up. But do make sure that you are clear that this didn’t happen and that false accusations have pretty serious consequences. If I were you I’d be bloody relieved not to be doing child care.
I imagine in a few years when he’s found some of his own shouting points he might have a different view.

Back away OP and definitely don't do any childcare for him as I can see SS in your future if you do. He seems quite volatile especially over a "nothing". Let DH handle ALL communication going forward.

Yup don't do the childcare and as the previous poster said, let your DH handle any communication from now on.

I wouldn't provide childcare for someone who is capable of lying like that. I would babysit with his dad but I wouldn't mind the child on my own.

It sounds like he has a rough start though - autism, turbulent relationship with his mum, challenging behaviour in childhood

What were you ‘pressing’ and then guilt tripping him over?

I agree that you can’t do any childcare for him. As @INeedAnotherName says. SS could even become involved if you’re accused of harming his child.

Obviously only you and he know what happened in the past, but my assumption is that if he’s now asking you to provide childcare for his child, you weren't awful. 💐

Why on earth did you bring up his childhood and how you had to parent when pressing him to do something?

the first thing to do is accept that your view of the reality of his childhood and his are clearly not the same - but that doesn’t make either wrong or right (indeed both are likely to have bias in them) and just because he remembers it differently doesn’t make it false or wrong

To add to people saying SS might get involved in the future, that would also affect babysitting for the other grandchildren too. So, yes, leave everything to your DH.

What a difficult situation.

Can his Dad talk to him, and tell him that he was out of line, and that what he said was untrue, and that he needs to apologise to you? If I was you I would find it difficult to get over allegations of the type he made to you.

Even if he does apologise, I wouldn't babysit his child, too risky that he'd make new allegations about you.

So you were hassling him about collecting something from his house and he’s snapped because he’s tired and busy with a new baby? Plus, his childhood sounds awful. I feel sorry for him and think you should just leave him alone for now.

Something about the tone of the OP sounds questionable to me. I wouldn’t do any childcare but I also wouldn’t jump straight to “he’s lying”. His perception/memory of events could be different to yours, but it doesn’t mean that he’s lying. Especially as in your own OP, you’ve said you were “pressing” him for something undisclosed, and you started bringing up his childhood in what sounds like quite a manipulative move. Maybe you were more emotionally abusive than you realised.

Childhood memories can easily be distorted. Given the age there is every chance he's mixed up a memory from with mum, or that you lost it at some point and don't remember, or he misheard what you said or misremembered the wording.
I wouldn't assume he's necessarily lying, just that memories from either him or both of you are patching up missing parts incorrectly.

He told you he couldn't commit to a time, which to be fair is often typical with a young child, and you decided that he was a grown up and and would have to get over his commitment management weakness here and now because you had when he was a child. And you're shocked by a furious response.

Being a step parent is an absolutely thankless task. He sounds a nightmare. Just step away & let his father deal with him

as I was readying the op, I kept expecting to find that she had been told she wasn’t allowed over at all and won’t be providing childcare. It seemed like the stepson was trying to politely deflect her visit instead of being direct.

my own experience with a problematic parent is definitely influencing my interpretation. I do think though that op may not have an actual dilemma about whether or not to provide childcare. I never let my problematic parent watch my child.

He sounds like he had a tough time as a kid and is a bit scarred by it and a bit volatile still. You were wrong to bring up essentially that you used to have time management better than him. Even if it's true, it's unhelpful. He was pointing out you weren't perfect but has also presumably misremembered or misinterpreted the past.

I'd step back and let DH lead on the relationship because of the background. It probably is worth pointing out you don't remember that and wouldn't have said that because he's not in fact 'illegitimate.' I wouldn't take on any childcare responsibilities except perhaps limited back-up for your DH. Your stepson obviously has a bit of baggage from his youth and I'd pull back a bit in the relationship to keep it cordial.

Get your DH to speak to him. I agree with a PP that it might have been his Mum who said it.

I don't understand why you were berating him for his inability to fix a time to see you by reminding him of what sounds like quite a difficult childhood.

He didn't ask for your input in his life at that age, and you don't sound as though you were offering any tips or advice, just 'reminding' him that you are better at something than he is - did hit rant think that would go over well?

Whether he had misremembered, misheard, conflated two situations or what, the way you speak to him in the present certainly makes his version of past events sound much more plausible.

I wouldn't think anybody who thought you were so unreasonable as a step parent would want you to be providing childcare. He's dredging up stuff from nearly presumably 25 years ago that he seemingly has misremembered. I mean one of my children used to complain I got him orthodontics to close up his character filled gap between his front teeth. I mean even my husband got in on the act till I showed them the initial orthodontic photographs. He never had a gap between his front teeth - just ordinary crooked teeth. So I definitely think that children (and seemingly my husband) can misremember. It was possibly his mother who said that if anybody said it at all.

Anyway I wouldn't want to be providing childcare having already done your time in the childcare trenches and I think he would be a difficult person to please. Take up a hobby or work somewhere you'll be valued rather than having your stepson screeching like a banshee about imagined slights. Get your husband to tell him that you will not be providing childcare for him. I do think you were a bit prissy about the time management comment but on the other hand you put up with years of his challenging behaviour.

I don’t understand why you brought up his childhood?

It sounds like you’re a bit of a know it all.

So I texted him pressing him for an exact time, and mentioned how much time managment I had to do as a parent and step-parent when he was younger.

Why would you do this? It’s like telling him he isn’t coping well enough and you did it so much better. I’m not surprised he’s pissed and chose to remind you that you were far from perfect.

Let things calm down and hopefully things can improve.

If he genuinely believes the accusations he's now making, then he wouldn't want you anywhere near his own children, nevermind caring for them. So tell him that and take a step back.

This would work if the step parent was decent in all cases, we only have the op's version of this

We don't know his viewpoint, nor the facts regardless