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Original poster

Can a relationship work with very different attitudes to alcohol?

94 replies

CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 10:46

I've been seeing someone for almost a year and everything is great other than how much he drinks. I like a few drinks if I go out, but Im not particularly interested in drinking - I never drink alone, even when I go out I quite often choose soft drinks - so I don't know if my feelings towards his drinking habits is coloured by how little I'm interested in drinking.

He never seems particularly affected by drinking - the most annoying thing has been a couple of times when we've gone away he's fallen asleep earlier because of it.

But I just feel cautious about having a long term relationship with someone who drinks so much - as soon as it gets to a weekend his first idea is to go buy a bottle of wine and he can easily drink the whole thing. If he comes to mine he often wants a drink. One time we were away he'd had a couple of drinks then he bought a small bottle of vodka when we went to buy some snacks to take back to the hotel and drank it all. I had had 1 drink, so it seems really odd to me to drink so determinedly.

He's on holiday now and drinks are unlimited - his messages are full of how he's drinking cocktails all day, then last night they went out and drank many more cocktails.

To me it seems like even if he's not dependent on it (and he could be) he drinks very heavily and if nothing else, it's very risky health-wise. I find it unattractively immature to want to drink so much but maybe I'm being unreasonable because it wouldn't bother me if I never drank again. He told me he didn't even start drinking til he was about 30 and was going through a difficult time - another danger sign to me that he's alcohol dependent.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 07/04/2025 10:49

He doesn’t seem affected by alcohol as he’s body is used to it … he’s likely an alcoholic.

Sodthesystem · 07/04/2025 10:51

I'm sorry. I've been where you are. Run.

It's the reddest of red flags.

They drink a ton but never seem to get drunk, they have to have a drink to enjoy themselves, they drink a lot even when it's no special occasion, you find yourself drinking ore so as to keep them company, they come to your house and drink all your booze.... Think you've checked all of these.
It's very very bad news and you need to get out, now.

There's no stopping them, there's no changing them and there's stuff you dont know yet that will curl your toes. Guaranteed.

Just, run

Maitri108 · 07/04/2025 10:53

If you both drink it wouldn't be a problem but it's quite boring to be in a relationship with a heavy drinker. You can imagine going on holiday with him and him getting tanked up every day and falling into a coma at 7pm.

Toothpastestain · 07/04/2025 11:00

I think you can't continue with your relationship now you have noticed.
Every celebration (and commiseration) will be drink filled because he is conditioned to believe he enjoys it. He doesn't know, that you know, that he is controlled by alcohol (in our alcohol saturated culture, many people are)

kellygoeswest · 07/04/2025 11:10

I actually ended a relationship with someone last year solely because of this. It seemed he drank something every day (or at least nearly every day). Every date, or even staying in, involved alcohol and as a bigger guy he could put back a lot and would push me to "keep up".

He worked for a luxury alcohol company so I didn't see his lifestyle changing (he was always getting heaps of wines and liquors from work) and I felt like I was slipping into bad habits... or at least headed that way, so I decided not to continue seeing him.

edit: genuinely don't believe he was nefarious in encouraging me to drink a lot alongside him, I think it was normalised because of his career and because despite drinking a lot he was very high functioning/successful.

ramonaqueenbee · 07/04/2025 11:11

This would be a huge no for me, not least because it's likely to lead to really unpleasant and downright awful health problems when he's older. You could be caring for him and mopping up the mess for years. No way.

You don't say if you want kids, but I wouldn't want to parent with someone like this either.

Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 11:13

Thanks - you've all agreed with how I see things. He can't drink when he's working, but it seems like how he treats himself as soon as he has days off, it feels like one of his favourite things to do, and like @Maitri108 says, if I was the same I wouldn't even question it. But if I was on holiday with him now, I wouldn't drink in the day and I don't really understand the desire to!

He's great in so many ways, but I do feel like our relationship can't really go anywhere because I have no desire to be in a position where I am judging his drinking / worrying about it / policing his habits etc.

I will talk to him about it but it does feel inevitable that it can't work out.

OP posts:
IsawwhatIsaw · 07/04/2025 11:16

I’d end this now. The level of drinking sounds like he’s alcohol dependent.
imagine this behaviour with a family.

Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 11:19

ramonaqueenbee · 07/04/2025 11:11

This would be a huge no for me, not least because it's likely to lead to really unpleasant and downright awful health problems when he's older. You could be caring for him and mopping up the mess for years. No way.

You don't say if you want kids, but I wouldn't want to parent with someone like this either.

We both have late-teenaged children, so having children isn't in the equation. I wouldn't want to live with someone til my youngest leaves home.

The health side definitely bothers me. The mum of 1 of my friends died from liver issues related to alcohol; it's something I'm very aware of.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 11:21

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it has never been with you really either.

Talking to him about his drinking will be a waste of time. You cannot help him and he does not want your help or support. You can only help your own self ultimately and by trying to rescue and or save this man at all you are throwing your own life down the dumpster. Let him go and work on why you were attracted to him in the first place.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
If you have rescuer and or saving tendencies or are codependent in relationships you need to address this in therapy.

Did you grow up seeing a parent drink too much?.

EatingHealthy · 07/04/2025 11:21

There is actually research which has been done on this exact question and relationships are more likely to fail when people have different drinking habits. It doesn't matter what your drinking habits are when it comes to relationship success, what matters is that you both share similar habits.

Obviously there are exceptions but I would assume in those cases it doesn't bother them - it bothers you. I would be the same. It would be a deal-breaker for me.

cakeandteaandcake · 07/04/2025 11:24

This would do my head in.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 11:24

Do not further subject your adult children at all to such a man going forward.

Put yourself along with them first and foremost in your life now; not this man. You've already wasted a year on him, do not let that become two, three or even five.

stayathomer · 07/04/2025 11:24

On the other side of this j have a friend who is mad into her craft beers, it’s almost like a hobby. Her boyfriend is a non drinker and makes too many comments. I couldn’t comment on whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic but just think about whether it’s a deal breaker because I hate seeing how much he rolls his eyes/ makes comments on her drinking, if two people are too different I don’t know that they can work

Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 11:26

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 11:21

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it has never been with you really either.

Talking to him about his drinking will be a waste of time. You cannot help him and he does not want your help or support. You can only help your own self ultimately and by trying to rescue and or save this man at all you are throwing your own life down the dumpster. Let him go and work on why you were attracted to him in the first place.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
If you have rescuer and or saving tendencies or are codependent in relationships you need to address this in therapy.

Did you grow up seeing a parent drink too much?.

No, my family didn't drink at all while I was growing up, other than a Christmas sherry!

I met him through work, and knew nothing about his drinking. It was only after a few months when there were a few occasions when I found it odd that he drank more than seemed ordinary to me.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 11:29

What is the longest period of time, to your direct knowledge, he has gone without alcohol?. His thoughts are also centered around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

You can find someone else great who is not actually an alcoholic.

Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 11:32

stayathomer · 07/04/2025 11:24

On the other side of this j have a friend who is mad into her craft beers, it’s almost like a hobby. Her boyfriend is a non drinker and makes too many comments. I couldn’t comment on whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic but just think about whether it’s a deal breaker because I hate seeing how much he rolls his eyes/ makes comments on her drinking, if two people are too different I don’t know that they can work

I can see that. Even if we take the (reasonable) possibility of alcohol dependence / alcoholism out of the equation, when he's sending me photos of his cocktails my inner reaction is judgement / boredom - I just think it's a weird way to spend a holiday. They're doing other stuff too but there's plenty of emphasis on drinking too.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 11:32

"I met him through work, and knew nothing about his drinking".

You would not have known anyway. Also he was on his best behaviour back then and the mask is now further slipping. I would think that his employers are keeping a discrete but clear eye on him.

"It was only after a few months when there were a few occasions when I found it odd that he drank more than seemed ordinary to me".

And that is likely when you really did start to see the red flags a fluttering. Your choices are simple really - stay or go. I would choose the latter option.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 11:35

He's now on a drinking holiday which will seem like manna from heaven and its not beyond the realms of possibility some of the people he is on holiday with also have unhealthy relationships with alcohol.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What has kept you with him till now at least?.

Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 11:40

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 11:29

What is the longest period of time, to your direct knowledge, he has gone without alcohol?. His thoughts are also centered around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

You can find someone else great who is not actually an alcoholic.

A week I guess (because of work) though he did say he'd given it up for a year once. His family and friends are enthusiastic drinkers too. He doesn't always drink when I see him, and can have a single drink - it's not like once he starts he has to keep going. So there are plenty of times when he drinks a socially "normal" amount. So it's just been a couple of times in my company when he's drunk a lot which seems particularly discordant if I'm not drinking at all. And recently my alarm bells have rung when he's told me he's off to buy alcohol because he's finished working for the week / is now on holiday etc.... in that alcohol is his treat / reward.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 11:46

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 11:35

He's now on a drinking holiday which will seem like manna from heaven and its not beyond the realms of possibility some of the people he is on holiday with also have unhealthy relationships with alcohol.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What has kept you with him till now at least?.

It's a family holiday, but yes it's quite possible

He's a lovely person - kind, thoughtful, nothing is too much trouble for him - he'll rush over to help me when I've needed some practical assistance, he's funny, a great lover, close with his family, generous, affectionate, great company, enthusiastic, cheerful, immediately likeable...... Apart from alcohol, just great in so many ways.

OP posts:
NachoChip · 07/04/2025 12:23

So, I drink like this guy....I work hard, I don't drink in the week at all but if I'm out socialising I like to let my hair down, or have a glass or two on a weekend night. Food and drink are cultural things that bond us, and lots of people enjoy sharing drinks as a way to have fun/wind down. If you don't live together, possibly every time you get together is like a celebration to him so he thinks to have a drink. Nothing you've said is a red flag to me - he sounds in control, the worst he's done is fall asleep a bit early once or twice and he's otherwise a lovely guy, he just enjoys a drink.

From his perspective, if you're going to frown and judge him every time he wants to have fun or relax and it'll put you on edge, maybe you're not for each other. You sound like a bit of a killjoy to me sorry, just from the other perspective!

Sodthesystem · 07/04/2025 12:25

NachoChip · 07/04/2025 12:23

So, I drink like this guy....I work hard, I don't drink in the week at all but if I'm out socialising I like to let my hair down, or have a glass or two on a weekend night. Food and drink are cultural things that bond us, and lots of people enjoy sharing drinks as a way to have fun/wind down. If you don't live together, possibly every time you get together is like a celebration to him so he thinks to have a drink. Nothing you've said is a red flag to me - he sounds in control, the worst he's done is fall asleep a bit early once or twice and he's otherwise a lovely guy, he just enjoys a drink.

From his perspective, if you're going to frown and judge him every time he wants to have fun or relax and it'll put you on edge, maybe you're not for each other. You sound like a bit of a killjoy to me sorry, just from the other perspective!

Do you go over to your partner's house and drink all her booze?

There's nothing more of a killjoy than someone who needs to drink to have fun and us constantly looking for their next fix.

countrysidedaddy · 07/04/2025 12:29

Honestly (and it's painful to think it!) I don't think it can work based on my experience. Once you "see" it you can't unsee it and you're just thinking about it whenever they drink or you're out etc.

YourCraftyGreyOP · 07/04/2025 12:30

My husband and I have been together for 20 years.

I don’t drink since getting pregnant 15 years ago. Before that I drank socially only.

my DH on the other hand was raised by alcoholic parents who wrapped it up as something they enjoyed together (and still do). I’m talking bottles of wine a day - but because they’re not drinking in the morning nobody seems to think they have a drinking problem.

he too would drink daily. Half a bottle of wine most days plus a lot more at weekends.

it affected our relationship - I couldn’t trust him to go out with colleagues as I didn’t know when he’d be home. I would always be the driver. I was criticised because I didn’t drink (I was less fun apparently) but one of us had to be sober for the children! Every social event was marred if he couldn’t drink. In the end it got to a point where I said, isn’t it just a bit sad now? You’ve drank excessively since you were 18 (probably younger), how long is this going to go on for? He was also secret drinking because of my judgement. He wasn’t an alcoholic apparently but I feel he was due to his dependency on it and habits that had formed around it. Even though he was never really drunk much any more but I grew tired of it and of our children seeing him drink every day.

he has finally cut right down the last few months (although still struggles at weekends).

it did affect our marriage. I still worry about him going out with friends even though his relationship with alcohol has got better the last few years (and much much better the last few months).

just think about what you want your life to look like before you get any further invested. It did affect our relationship as I say and honestly if we ever split up, I’d be looking for a man who’s tee total.