Can a relationship work with very different attitudes to alcohol?

[CatsLikeBoxes]

I've been seeing someone for almost a year and everything is great other than how much he drinks. I like a few drinks if I go out, but Im not particularly interested in drinking - I never drink alone, even when I go out I quite often choose soft drinks - so I don't know if my feelings towards his drinking habits is coloured by how little I'm interested in drinking.

He never seems particularly affected by drinking - the most annoying thing has been a couple of times when we've gone away he's fallen asleep earlier because of it.

But I just feel cautious about having a long term relationship with someone who drinks so much - as soon as it gets to a weekend his first idea is to go buy a bottle of wine and he can easily drink the whole thing. If he comes to mine he often wants a drink. One time we were away he'd had a couple of drinks then he bought a small bottle of vodka when we went to buy some snacks to take back to the hotel and drank it all. I had had 1 drink, so it seems really odd to me to drink so determinedly.

He's on holiday now and drinks are unlimited - his messages are full of how he's drinking cocktails all day, then last night they went out and drank many more cocktails.

To me it seems like even if he's not dependent on it (and he could be) he drinks very heavily and if nothing else, it's very risky health-wise. I find it unattractively immature to want to drink so much but maybe I'm being unreasonable because it wouldn't bother me if I never drank again. He told me he didn't even start drinking til he was about 30 and was going through a difficult time - another danger sign to me that he's alcohol dependent.

Well no because I live with my husband, but this poor guy isn't doing that either. OP has given examples and usually he buys his own booze. Yes he wants a drink when he goes to hers but I'd assume he'd also want some food or a cup of tea if he wasn't drinking, I don't think we're necessarily then accusing him of emptying her cupboards or snaffling all her teabags, are we?

“He's a lovely person - kind, thoughtful, nothing is too much trouble for him - he'll rush over to help me when I've needed some practical assistance, he's funny, a great lover, close with his family, generous, affectionate, great company, enthusiastic, cheerful, immediately likeable...... Apart from alcohol, just great in so many ways.”

I think it’s worth a conversation at least, if he’s open to alcohol free days/nights. If he isn’t then you have your answer. It seems to be more about volume than the odd drink? Our old manager female, late fifties always had a large G&T and glass of red every night with her book. Since retiring she’s become a grandmother and now only drinks occasionally. People can change.

A whole bottle during the night is a lot, but a couple of glasses per night over the weekend is okay. Also, a lot of people enjoy more cocktails than normal whilst on holiday. If he’s only drank an excessive amount a couple of times, then that wouldn’t bother me either - if it were regularly than that would be a problem.

I don’t necessarily think he’s got an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I am not convinced by the hysterical rhetoric of him being an alcoholic. He does't sound that different to me - although admittedly, if I've been out for a few drinks it wouldn't occur to me to buy more drinks to take home which is the one red flag here for me.

BUT, having said that, I think that very different alcohol preferences and, as importantly, you not liking it means you're not compatible. Just like I wouldn't be compatible with someone who wants to be out exercising and hiking and climbing every weekend or my friend wouldn't be comptible with someone who doesn't love fancy meals out as that's a huge part of her social life and things she enjoys.

My DH doesn't drink very much at all, but he doesn't care if I'm having a drink. I suspect he'd feel differently if I was drunk a lot, but obviously, that's not the case.

It sounds like you're looking for someone to enjoy life with, on particular once your kids are grown. And it sounds as if this will get in the way more and more over time. Was he single for a while and just fell into a pattern of it? Given that you connect in lots of ways I think it would be worth finding a way to gently ask about it and suss out whether he feels he wants to change.

And yes, a relative of mine has also received a devastating diagnosis, which her doctors have linked to low level but nightly alcohol.

Don't do anything with a man like that. T total, beer or wine very very rarely
what you are describing an alcoholic by lifestyle man.

It sounds to me like he's not drinking in the week. In my family and social circles this would be deemed as barely drinking.

If he drinks at the weekends but to excess that's something different but most people I know have a drink most days but rarely more than one drink a day

😂 thank you for a different perspective. I don't think I'm a killjoy though as my judgement is inside, I haven't commented on his drinking at all to him and I do drink socially, so although I don't always choose to drink when he's drinking, I do drink when we're with his family, and if we go to a bar.... So that's partly why I'm asking, as obviously for some people they love a drink but it doesn't cause them an issue. Whereas I'm a much more sporadic drinker so I'm viewing his enthusiasm with caution.

He's very lovely and we have a great time together, but obviously I don't want to find myself with an alcoholic or someone who develops severe drink related health issues.

For me personally, no, a relationship couldn't work with a big drinker. I'm tee-total and pretty anti-alcohol in general.

Huge red flag 🚩. This kind of dependency only gets worse. His relationship with alcohol will come between you if it hasn’t already not least as seems he is using it to escape and relax whereas intimacy and togetherness should be the aim. Needless to say if you raise it you’ll be the ‘killjoy’. I’d find a reason to walk away.

As much as I think we don't agree on what's normal for alcohol consumption, you sound very balanced OP.

Maybe the key is in these two questions:

• Do you think his drinking will develop into anything consistently "worse" (if it does, then maybe there is a bigger problem. I don't agree with the vast majority on here who say there is currently)
• If it doesn't, can you embrace it for what it is?

And I think embrace is the word if you can. Tolerating something when it's going to be every time you're out supposedly having fun will become really dragging for you both eventually. You don't have to drink the same, you just have to accept each other's choices.

He does sound worth the effort in my opinion...

To me that doesn’t sound particularly worrying. He doesn’t drink when he’s working, he has a bottle of wine on an evening at the weekend. Ok that’s not ideal but it’s not unusual or happening every day. He’s drinking on an AI holidays - again, pretty par for the course. If he’s able to drink in moderation, doesn’t drink through most of the week I can’t see it’s a particular red flag for me.

I think it's also cultural not just automatically about dependency. For example, I find it quite difficult to be friends with people who don't have a similar view to hospitality to me. I grew up in South Africa - offering food and drink, sharing meals etc is a huge part of the culture there. And so yes, I find it odd if, for example, I'm at someone's house and they don't offer me drinks and even more so if we're invited for a meal or something and it's all a bit parsimonious. It just feels strange to me and I can accept it's just a different approach, but it means I'm not likely to feel a connection to those people.

going on holiday, I absolutely want to enjoy a drink, and probably more than I would normally. eg I never drink at lunch usually - I don't like it and I can't get on with my day if I do. But on holiday, nothing better than a lunch time G&T or beer or similar. If I was with someone who had an issue with that, it would make my holiday a lot less enjoyable for me. Similarly, meals out is a huge part of any trip away for me - i simply wouldnt want to go on holiday with the kind of person who wants to buy a ham sandwich from a cheap cafe, or just picks up bits from the supermarket.

Neither is right or wrong, it's just about whether it's right for you.

He doesn't need to be an alcoholic. It's enough that it's incredibly boring watching someone constantly getting pissed, wanging on about booze, sending pics of drinks... if you're not into it.

Everything in his link is centered around drink including his holiday and social life. His thought centre around where the next drink is going to come from.

He started drinking when he was having an hard time and now it could be argued he is physically and mentally dependent on it . It’s up to you whether you want to continued with him but alcohol will always come between you and he and it’s a cruel mistress. I’d bail out now.

Not all alcoholics sit on park benches. Many of them hold down jobs and families - until they do not. Many people do and can drink socially and that’s fine because they also have an off switch. The problems really come in when others are affected by another persons drinking.

It sounds like he's a heavy drinker and as someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent, I wouldn't date someone who drank heavily. I've got the physical and mental scars from that.

Maybe the company I keep but id think it was totally normal to have a bottle of wine on a weekend evening and a few cocktails on hols

Especially if he doesn't drink when working and you say lovely in every other way.

But relatships are about having things on common so if you hardly drink that could be boring... Have you talked to him about it?

Tbh it doesnt matter if his drinking sounds fine to any of us OP. It's too much for you. It'll eventually cause issues whether he stops now or not. The chat you're about to have will always be lingering in the background.

It's better you find someone more on your wavelength, if you want a relationship with legs.

I'm definitely veering more towards the incompatible today ... He spent the last few days of his holiday sending more cocktail pictures, missed a booked activity because he was drinking cocktails instead.... Basically seemed to mainly drink from early afternoon til early hours of the morning then sleep til lunchtime.
Since getting back a friend came round to his first day back for a "messy night" - ie heavy drinking I guess. So today he'll prob be sleeping til afternoon, recovering. We're due to go away for the night tomorrow and ironically are supposed to go wine tasting!
I'm just really put off someone basically being drunk for a week! Even if this is linked to him celebrating his birthday, it's just not my idea of fun.

I think what will be important is to see how it feels while you're together. Do you feel he's drinking too much, does it impact the decisions you make as ac ouple re what to do/where to go etc. If it does, ditch him. if not, great.

DH isn't a huge wine tasting type person. We recently went to a meal and wine tasting event with some friends. it wasn't his idea of the best night out but he saw it as a lovely evening with friends and we had a good time. But we won't be doing that often becuase it's not his preference. That's a reasoable compromise for us.

Does he drink and drive? Would he drive the next day after drinking all night?

Not as far as I'm aware, no. That would be a deal-breaker.

Personally that much drinking would be incompatible for me.
I dont drink much. Maybe a pint at a gig although often I don't bother.
Dh will go out for a few pints with our sons maybe a couple of times a fortnight.
The amout your fella is drinking and talking about it on messages is wild to me.

I guess I'm thinking - if I went on holiday with him, what would it be like? I'd see it as wasting the holiday to wake up at lunch time, so that would really make me doubt that we'd be compatible holiday companions!

He has a new job where our days off don't overlap that much any more for much of the time - we're both off but he's sleeping the day away. We're seeing each other over the weekend, so it's fine, but it just makes me wonder if alcohol is always going to be a priority, and if he is always going to choose to drink to the point that he sleeps twice as long as I do!

It hasn't impacted me so far - it's more considering the long term impacts.