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Original poster

Can a relationship work with very different attitudes to alcohol?

94 replies

CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 10:46

I've been seeing someone for almost a year and everything is great other than how much he drinks. I like a few drinks if I go out, but Im not particularly interested in drinking - I never drink alone, even when I go out I quite often choose soft drinks - so I don't know if my feelings towards his drinking habits is coloured by how little I'm interested in drinking.

He never seems particularly affected by drinking - the most annoying thing has been a couple of times when we've gone away he's fallen asleep earlier because of it.

But I just feel cautious about having a long term relationship with someone who drinks so much - as soon as it gets to a weekend his first idea is to go buy a bottle of wine and he can easily drink the whole thing. If he comes to mine he often wants a drink. One time we were away he'd had a couple of drinks then he bought a small bottle of vodka when we went to buy some snacks to take back to the hotel and drank it all. I had had 1 drink, so it seems really odd to me to drink so determinedly.

He's on holiday now and drinks are unlimited - his messages are full of how he's drinking cocktails all day, then last night they went out and drank many more cocktails.

To me it seems like even if he's not dependent on it (and he could be) he drinks very heavily and if nothing else, it's very risky health-wise. I find it unattractively immature to want to drink so much but maybe I'm being unreasonable because it wouldn't bother me if I never drank again. He told me he didn't even start drinking til he was about 30 and was going through a difficult time - another danger sign to me that he's alcohol dependent.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 11/04/2025 12:28

notacooldad · 11/04/2025 12:18

Personally that much drinking would be incompatible for me.
I dont drink much. Maybe a pint at a gig although often I don't bother.
Dh will go out for a few pints with our sons maybe a couple of times a fortnight.
The amout your fella is drinking and talking about it on messages is wild to me.

I'm more like you, and someone having a few drinks once a week or 2-3 each evening on holiday seems more the level I expect from a keener drinker than me. Not someone who seems to treat it like a major hobby / his favourite thing to do.

OP posts:
MattCauthon · 11/04/2025 12:29

And I think that's the point. It's compatibility. On holiday, I HATE getting up early and rushing off unless there's a specific reason. And no, it's NOT becuase I'll have been up late the night before drinking. DH is the same and our DC too. So we all holiday together very happily. My BFF is an amazing, wonderful woman who I adore. But we agreed a long time ago that any trips away together could only happen to places where we were both happy to let the other one go off alone much of the time - she's a "get up and do 5 things before breakfast" kind of holiday goer! Grin

Tinyrabbit · 11/04/2025 12:30

CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 10:46

I've been seeing someone for almost a year and everything is great other than how much he drinks. I like a few drinks if I go out, but Im not particularly interested in drinking - I never drink alone, even when I go out I quite often choose soft drinks - so I don't know if my feelings towards his drinking habits is coloured by how little I'm interested in drinking.

He never seems particularly affected by drinking - the most annoying thing has been a couple of times when we've gone away he's fallen asleep earlier because of it.

But I just feel cautious about having a long term relationship with someone who drinks so much - as soon as it gets to a weekend his first idea is to go buy a bottle of wine and he can easily drink the whole thing. If he comes to mine he often wants a drink. One time we were away he'd had a couple of drinks then he bought a small bottle of vodka when we went to buy some snacks to take back to the hotel and drank it all. I had had 1 drink, so it seems really odd to me to drink so determinedly.

He's on holiday now and drinks are unlimited - his messages are full of how he's drinking cocktails all day, then last night they went out and drank many more cocktails.

To me it seems like even if he's not dependent on it (and he could be) he drinks very heavily and if nothing else, it's very risky health-wise. I find it unattractively immature to want to drink so much but maybe I'm being unreasonable because it wouldn't bother me if I never drank again. He told me he didn't even start drinking til he was about 30 and was going through a difficult time - another danger sign to me that he's alcohol dependent.

Sorry OP, if he's "immune" to alcohol and drinks a lot, he has a problem, and it's likely to get worse. But to be fair to him, and to your relationship, have a really honest conversation with him. Tell him how uneasy you feel about the sheer amount that he drinks and carefully note his answers and reaction. That will tell you everything about how it's likely to be in the future.

Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 11/04/2025 12:57

MattCauthon · 11/04/2025 12:29

And I think that's the point. It's compatibility. On holiday, I HATE getting up early and rushing off unless there's a specific reason. And no, it's NOT becuase I'll have been up late the night before drinking. DH is the same and our DC too. So we all holiday together very happily. My BFF is an amazing, wonderful woman who I adore. But we agreed a long time ago that any trips away together could only happen to places where we were both happy to let the other one go off alone much of the time - she's a "get up and do 5 things before breakfast" kind of holiday goer! Grin

Oh for sure! I'm not like that - I get up far too early for work so definitely don't do that for fun. If I'd paid a lot of money to go abroad though I'd be up by 9, rather than 1 or 2 though whether that's to go out somewhere or enjoy the pool / sun. If we had a weekend together I'm happy to spend much of it in bed - but it's the sleeping 12 hours a day til lunch time as a result of too much drinking that I'd find very dull.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 11/04/2025 12:59

Tinyrabbit · 11/04/2025 12:30

Sorry OP, if he's "immune" to alcohol and drinks a lot, he has a problem, and it's likely to get worse. But to be fair to him, and to your relationship, have a really honest conversation with him. Tell him how uneasy you feel about the sheer amount that he drinks and carefully note his answers and reaction. That will tell you everything about how it's likely to be in the future.

Show quote history

Thanks - yes I think this is a good plan

OP posts:
Crimblecrumble1990 · 11/04/2025 13:14

For me reading that, it all sounds very normal. Goes without drinking fine / can just have one / occasionally likes to drink a bit more, especially on holiday. Sounds exactly what I do but that is also the attitude of most of my friends / family / colleagues so would seem normal to me. I don’t think I would be happy with a partner with such a different take on it to me.

iamnotalemon · 11/04/2025 13:21

I rarely drink and I’m not sure I could be with someone that drunk all the time. It really depends on the individual though to be honest.

MattCauthon · 11/04/2025 13:23

CatsLikeBoxes · 11/04/2025 12:57

Oh for sure! I'm not like that - I get up far too early for work so definitely don't do that for fun. If I'd paid a lot of money to go abroad though I'd be up by 9, rather than 1 or 2 though whether that's to go out somewhere or enjoy the pool / sun. If we had a weekend together I'm happy to spend much of it in bed - but it's the sleeping 12 hours a day til lunch time as a result of too much drinking that I'd find very dull.

Show quote history

OP, sorry, to clarify, it doesn't matter what you like. The point is that if he likes something different that doesn't mean he's a bad person. No, I would NOT be up by 9 am every day if I go on a beach/resort holiday and no, I don't think that makes me a bad person who is wasting my holiday. I have absolutely no problem with the fact that YOU would not do that.

I also wouldn't sleep until 2 pm either - that's not me. But, for example, DH and SIL went with friends on a beach/ibiza holiday a few years ago. They are all nightowls who like to dance to music I consider to be just noise! Grin . None of them are big drinkers (although some do smoke weed and there were definitely a few other substances taken by some of the group). They were all sleeping all day, getting up late, then laying around by the pool, eventually going for dinner at 9 or 10, then partying until 5. That's why I didn't go with them. I'd have died of boredom and tiredness in that vibe. I can't stand weed, I certainly am uninterested in any other drugs and I don't like being around people in that stoned vibe. But they all had a great time.

It's fine. But it's also fine if it's not your thing and if it's somethign he wants to do more often.

Elle771 · 11/04/2025 13:23

Crimblecrumble1990 · 11/04/2025 13:14

For me reading that, it all sounds very normal. Goes without drinking fine / can just have one / occasionally likes to drink a bit more, especially on holiday. Sounds exactly what I do but that is also the attitude of most of my friends / family / colleagues so would seem normal to me. I don’t think I would be happy with a partner with such a different take on it to me.

Exactly this for me

Crushed23 · 11/04/2025 13:24

I find drinking for the sake of it rather pointless, so if he is regularly drinking but not getting particularly drunk then it does sound like dependence.

Gundogday · 11/04/2025 13:30

Crimblecrumble1990 · 11/04/2025 13:14

For me reading that, it all sounds very normal. Goes without drinking fine / can just have one / occasionally likes to drink a bit more, especially on holiday. Sounds exactly what I do but that is also the attitude of most of my friends / family / colleagues so would seem normal to me. I don’t think I would be happy with a partner with such a different take on it to me.

Yes, I agree, and I was brought up in a tee total household. He sounds like a normal guy to me.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 11/04/2025 13:32

I had to give up alcohol because I became allergic during menopause, its a thing!
I am so glad ,it's the great supplementary pleasure of my later life.
When I read or hear about folk sleeping until lunchtime, basically hungover, it reminds me of that point in my life. I cant belive I did that. Its so bad for your body.
I remember reading some material in class to my group during a pshe day, and I actually stopped dead. Its a neuro toxin its affects our brains. I think the kids thought I was being deliberately melodramatic but it suddenly in that moment hit me.
I wasn't a moderate drinker by any means and could easily have ended up an alcoholic. I'm so glad I had to stop. I enjoy everything now more.

Sweetandsaltycaroline · 11/04/2025 13:44

I've never said IRL that I think that my DH is alcoholic. He drinks every day, usually 3/4 - 1 bottle of wine, most nights, possibly more at weekends.
He is rarely drunk, he isn't properly "present" during some meals if he's cooked because he's had most of a bottle while preparing the meal. (I'm also 99% sure he has ADHD so he zones out during meals anyway) He doesn't remember whole conversations.
I have maybe one or 2 glasses of wine with a meal over a weekend but not bothered if I don't drink. I do sometimes feel resentful of being the default parent for all sorts for collecting teens after eg 8pm because he would have started drinking by then. If we go somewhere he drives there and I drive back. I don't drink if we go somewhere in the car, even if he says he "probably won't drink" because the reality is, that he will. A lot of his family drink a lot so he normalises it.

WendyWagon · 11/04/2025 13:55

Hello OP.
I'm a former alcoholic. I gave up boozing three years ago. Alcohol dependancy can appear quite normal. It isn't, it takes over your life and that of those around you.
Drinking everyday and going to the shops for snacks (mine was a cabbage) is typical behaviour. Alcoholics try to draw others into their drinking.
I've lost three people to alcohol in three years aged 54/60/63. All left children and new grandchildren.
Alcoholics can't give up until they want to and they can be nasty lying toads. I hid my wine in my sports car in the garage. I lied re my consumption. I filled the bottle in the fridge with water. I recommend you read 'Sober Dave' then make a decision re your bf.
There is a very active long running thread on MN if anyone needs it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/04/2025 13:57

No, I don't think it can work. I'm teetotal, my husband isn't but isn't a big drinker ever. If he were then our lifestyles would be too different and our relationship wouldn't work.

Find someone else who doesn't have an addiction, or not one that you don't share.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/04/2025 13:59

Having a year off drinking is a favourite pastime for alcoholics in denial.

Your man very much sounds like he has at least the potential for alcoholism.

Every alcoholic is functioning... Until they're not. It's a progressive disease. No alcoholic starts drinking a litre of vodka at 8am right out the gate. It takes years to reach that level, often with a little detour or two where we "change our ways" at the urging of family or new partners. And we do... But invariably we go back to the bottle because we cannot stay away.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 11/04/2025 14:24

He sounds like a lovely person, but that sting in the tail is huge. It's not really the current situation, but it sounds nearly certain that he is dependent and it seems likely he'll only get worse.

I think you need to consider the future very, very carefully here.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 11/04/2025 15:31

I don't drink and i usually drive my bf knew this and he doesn't drink either mainly as he's a twat when drunk so he won't drink. However I do like the occasional joint and I'd never had this before met him. It's like been drunk but fully aware of actions and body etc and last 1 hour so shared interests in some ways. But yes it won't work

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/04/2025 15:46

I don't think there's any point in talking to someone with an alcohol problem about how much they drink. They will lie about it and then make promises which they will break. It's far better at this stage in a relationship to watch what someone does and decide whether it suits you. At the moment he's showing you his true self - someone who loves nothing more than to be drunk, day in and day out. His family is the same. That's who he is.

Of course alcoholics or heavy drinkers can be nice people; it doesn't make them suitable as a partner, though.

Also when you think about it, people do things they shouldn't when they're drunk and expect the fact they were drunk to be accepted as an excuse. Could you really be bothered with that?

Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 11/04/2025 15:50

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/04/2025 15:46

I don't think there's any point in talking to someone with an alcohol problem about how much they drink. They will lie about it and then make promises which they will break. It's far better at this stage in a relationship to watch what someone does and decide whether it suits you. At the moment he's showing you his true self - someone who loves nothing more than to be drunk, day in and day out. His family is the same. That's who he is.

Of course alcoholics or heavy drinkers can be nice people; it doesn't make them suitable as a partner, though.

Also when you think about it, people do things they shouldn't when they're drunk and expect the fact they were drunk to be accepted as an excuse. Could you really be bothered with that?

Good point I guess. If he knew this level of drinking made me feel cautious about our relationship he would probably not be so open about it.

OP posts:
NearlyDone2025 · 11/04/2025 15:59

His drinking doesn't sound particularly concerning to me, but I enjoy drinking. Especially on holiday, I'd happily have drinks during the day and spend it lightly sozzled in the sunshine. I'm in no way alcohol dependent!

I couldn't be with someone who judged me or made me feel bad for having a few drinks. I'm not saying you do that OP. But it would suck any pleasure from the experience. I have a friend who has a partner who is absolutely great and she's madly in love, but his major flaw from her perspective is that he is pretty parsimonious about alcohol and judges her having a few glasses of wine. I couldn't live with that!

StrangerThings1 · 11/04/2025 16:30

CatsLikeBoxes · 07/04/2025 13:05

😂 thank you for a different perspective. I don't think I'm a killjoy though as my judgement is inside, I haven't commented on his drinking at all to him and I do drink socially, so although I don't always choose to drink when he's drinking, I do drink when we're with his family, and if we go to a bar.... So that's partly why I'm asking, as obviously for some people they love a drink but it doesn't cause them an issue. Whereas I'm a much more sporadic drinker so I'm viewing his enthusiasm with caution.

He's very lovely and we have a great time together, but obviously I don't want to find myself with an alcoholic or someone who develops severe drink related health issues.

Show quote history

If he doesn’t drink on the days he is working then he must go 5ish days a week without drink….is that correct?

When he comes to your place, how many drinks does he have per night?

Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 11/04/2025 16:45

StrangerThings1 · 11/04/2025 16:30

If he doesn’t drink on the days he is working then he must go 5ish days a week without drink….is that correct?

When he comes to your place, how many drinks does he have per night?

Show quote history

Well - actually I think he does sometimes have a drink if he's not working til the next afternoon. At mine sometimes he's drunk most of a bottle of wine, sometimes all of it. But actually, thinking about it, he didn't used to drink when he came round,.it's a recent thing.

When he's drinking when he's with me, it doesn't bother me other than if he then falls asleep - like the time I mentioned in my first post I think, where we'd gone out, he'd had a couple of drinks (2 doubles I think) then bought vodka to take back to the hotel, drank that and he then fell asleep which left me feeling somewhat disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsLikeBoxes · 11/04/2025 16:49

NearlyDone2025 · 11/04/2025 15:59

His drinking doesn't sound particularly concerning to me, but I enjoy drinking. Especially on holiday, I'd happily have drinks during the day and spend it lightly sozzled in the sunshine. I'm in no way alcohol dependent!

I couldn't be with someone who judged me or made me feel bad for having a few drinks. I'm not saying you do that OP. But it would suck any pleasure from the experience. I have a friend who has a partner who is absolutely great and she's madly in love, but his major flaw from her perspective is that he is pretty parsimonious about alcohol and judges her having a few glasses of wine. I couldn't live with that!

If I was completely certain he didn't have a problem, I wouldn't care that he drank - well other than if it had a knock on affect like sleeping all the time.

I have no idea how much he drinks at home - he sometimes says he's fallen asleep in the evening at 8 or 9, he usually sleeps pretty late. I assume it's just being tired from work etc but who knows.

OP posts:
StrangerThings1 · 11/04/2025 16:51

CatsLikeBoxes · 11/04/2025 16:45

Well - actually I think he does sometimes have a drink if he's not working til the next afternoon. At mine sometimes he's drunk most of a bottle of wine, sometimes all of it. But actually, thinking about it, he didn't used to drink when he came round,.it's a recent thing.

When he's drinking when he's with me, it doesn't bother me other than if he then falls asleep - like the time I mentioned in my first post I think, where we'd gone out, he'd had a couple of drinks (2 doubles I think) then bought vodka to take back to the hotel, drank that and he then fell asleep which left me feeling somewhat disappointed.

Show quote history

It’s difficult to know the extent of his drinking when you don’t live together, I wouldn’t write him off just yet because of assumptions as you seem to like other things about him

If I were you I would mention your concerns to him and see what he says