Can a relationship work with very different attitudes to alcohol?

[CatsLikeBoxes]

I've been seeing someone for almost a year and everything is great other than how much he drinks. I like a few drinks if I go out, but Im not particularly interested in drinking - I never drink alone, even when I go out I quite often choose soft drinks - so I don't know if my feelings towards his drinking habits is coloured by how little I'm interested in drinking.

He never seems particularly affected by drinking - the most annoying thing has been a couple of times when we've gone away he's fallen asleep earlier because of it.

But I just feel cautious about having a long term relationship with someone who drinks so much - as soon as it gets to a weekend his first idea is to go buy a bottle of wine and he can easily drink the whole thing. If he comes to mine he often wants a drink. One time we were away he'd had a couple of drinks then he bought a small bottle of vodka when we went to buy some snacks to take back to the hotel and drank it all. I had had 1 drink, so it seems really odd to me to drink so determinedly.

He's on holiday now and drinks are unlimited - his messages are full of how he's drinking cocktails all day, then last night they went out and drank many more cocktails.

To me it seems like even if he's not dependent on it (and he could be) he drinks very heavily and if nothing else, it's very risky health-wise. I find it unattractively immature to want to drink so much but maybe I'm being unreasonable because it wouldn't bother me if I never drank again. He told me he didn't even start drinking til he was about 30 and was going through a difficult time - another danger sign to me that he's alcohol dependent.

Thanks - I don't want to write him off... Before this week, it was just an occasional slight concern. But the last week of heavy drinking and that being mainly what he messaged about / missing a booked activity because of sitting drinking cocktails then coming home and straight into more drinking.... Anyway, I'll see what the weekend brings / have a chat at some point

Or you could ask him to go sober, and say you can't stay with him unless he does?

I used to drink similarly to your boyfriend, and it was my partner (then of a couple of years) asking me to stop that first made me try to quit. I am no suggesting I had an immediate 100% success rate, but I am now completely sober and happy and still with the same person (I consider him my partner as it's been years, tho we live separately).

There is a belief on Mumsnet that no drinker ever stops drinking - of course they do. I bet there are even now sober former drinkers reading this very thread!

You say he falls asleep - is that due to the alcohol or could he just be tired after a days work? My dh has always catnapped, whilst I never sleep during the day (whether we’ve had a glass of wine or not).

There is a belief on Mumsnet that no drinker ever stops drinking - of course they do. I bet there are even now sober former drinkers reading this very thread!

I can well believe people give up drinking, I just wouldn't want to be involved with a heavy drinker. I wouldn't ask them to stop drinking either.

Heavy drinkers tend to enjoy drinking and I don't. It's not very interesting being around someone who's constantly drinking.

You aren’t compatible. His drinking wouldn’t raise a red flag for me. He doesn’t drink when he’s working, he takes long periods off, he likes a drink at the weekend and on holiday. I do not think that is unusual.

MN is the classic place for “I only drink a thimble of wine at Christmas” and anyone who has more is “obviously” an alcoholic. It’s just not true. But, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who gave me side eye when I opened a bottle of wine. And, if I was tee total, I probably wouldn’t want to be with someone who drank regularly. Neither of you are wrong op, you just want different things. Move on.

I think it would be a deal breaker for me. Like you say, your ideas of holidays and how you like to spend your spare time seem really different.

I dated a guy who liked to drink a fair bit and then loved sleeping most of the weekend. Whereas my idea of fun was more getting up early and doing exercise, then going out for brunch. I love mornings! They are my favourite time. I see it as a waste to sleep through it all. I got gradually resentful of him and broke up with him.

Also he may seem fine now, health-wise, but he won't forever. Probably will gain weight with all the booze soon enough and will likely develop health problems, or mental health problems.

My DP is largely teetotal. We sometimes have a drink if we go out, before a meal, but its only occasionally. We both like exercise and seizing the day. We go to bed at 9pm haha!

When I met my OH he drank quite a bit when we went out and I assumed that those were his 'nights out' and didn't think too much of it. When we moved in together I discovered that every night was like that.

It's shit. In 15 years he's only had 3 nights without a drink. On holidays we've walked miles in the dark to find an illegal off license in a 'dry' town in India, in Morocco we sat in the dirtiest hole of a bar as it was the only place serving alcohol and he refuses to entertain joining me on a trekking trip to Nepal because there's no booze. If I want to go out with him (we live in a small village) I always have to drive us home. He sometimes pops out for 'one' after work and loses track of time, he's missed countless meals I've made... Booze is absolutely his priority, I'll always be second choice.

That's so sad

He sleeps a lot. Work is tiring. Alcohol also makes him sleepy.
He hasn't read a message I sent at 7.30, and didn't answer when I called to sort out when we're meeting tomorrow - I assume he's fallen asleep after his "messy night" last night, even though he didn't wake up til around 1.... He's on annual leave, so it's not work at the moment.

My ex was like this op, we had totally different lifestyles and it just didn't work out. Took me 11 years to decide that - don't waste too much time

I'm not teetotal - I do drink, but I just don't care if I drink or not. I don't mind other people drinking. And I hope he's not got a problem, but I can't help feel some doubts. I don't think he goes long periods without drinking - a week max, and I don't even know that for sure because I don't live with him. I do know that he seems to see drinking as a reward, a treat, something special, it's a high priority for him.

Ending the relationship straight away as some suggest is a bit extreme! Have a straight conversation about is needed though. Faced with losing you he might do something about his drinking.

As a divorcee, with a similar relationship to drink as you, I’d break up with someone over this. It isn’t going to get better only worse.

Up thread you mentioned being the killjoy when someone was ‘on his side’. You absolutely are not the killjoy. You just have your own views and preferences however he’ll probably make you feel like the killjoy. And that’s the red flag

DH drinks a bit more than me and tbh that’s annoying enough, so previously every holiday there was the before dinner drink - I would have a sparkling water, wine with the meal - which I enjoy and post dinner drink in a bar - yet more sparkling water. I found it boring and bloody expensive.
It came to a head when we went to Berlin with Ds18 at ny. DH was trying to match DS on the beers and snored like a stuck pig, ad a result I ended up having to move my mattress to the bathroom. I told him I didn’t want to go on our big holiday as I couldn’t sleep in the same room as him when he has drunk a lot. Thankfully he took it seriously and has really cut back.

Think about what your holidays would be like with someone who spends all day drinking, sounds awful to me.

This is quite an odd take on things - you find something pointless, so anyone else doing it for fun must have a problem?!

Hello, I'm your friendly alcoholic. I am officially an alcoholic, I drink, AND I'm officially 'recovered'. Being able to drink moderately was my objective when I went into rehab and, after a couple of backslides, I achieved it. Yay me 🥂

Why would I go to all that extra trouble? Because I like 'drinking for the sake of it'. A lot of people find elegantly-prepared food pointless. I could write poems about it! Then again, I find mountain climbing miserable & boring: some people live for it, and I don't assume they're somehow defective.

Anyway, @CatsLikeBoxes, sorry to hear of your dilemma. I don't believe your guy's an alcoholic by any means, but he is on the way to becoming a 'problem drinker' and probably at risk of sliding rapidly into dependency if circumstances conspire against him. There is reason for caution, certainly.

I recognise the kind of holiday you're describing and, actually, found it rather boring and distasteful even during my heavy-drinking years. I drank three bottles of wine every day, starting at lunch, home or away. I had friends who ordered gin with their breakfast at the outbound airport and never stopped knocking it back until they disembarked from the return flight. I mean, okay, they had a ball but it feels odd to me to make alcohol the focus of your holiday rather than a lubricant.

So, even before my compromised recovery, I wouldn't have relished a relationship with someone who drinks so assiduously. If it's a compatibility issue for me, it's a much bigger one for you. From what you've said (or what you know) he isn't a problem drinker yet. He may never be. It sounds like he's aware of the risk and is careful to be alcohol-free for around half of his days.

This means there's a conversation to be had about that risk, given that he must have thought about it. It could be interesting. It's perfectly true that this is a compatibility issue for you - it's not that you're demonising alcohol or thrusting AA leaflets at him, it's more a question of mismatched priorities.

I think there's a possibility he may agree with you! I really hope so. He sounds like a nice person, and so do you. I'd like to believe you're able to actively improve one another's lives; I wish you well.

The bloke’s a piss-head.

Piss-heads are boring. Then they die young.

Make your choice.

Even with your updates, i still think he’s a regular guy who likes a drink at the weekend, on holiday etc.

However, it’s given you the ick and you can’t move past it.

From dp’s point of view.
’ I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely lady. However, she seems to think I’ve got a drinking problem. Like most guys, I like a drink down the pub at the weekend, and sometimes will stop and buy a bottle of en route to her house on a Friday night. And who doesn’t like a cocktail or two when on holiday. However, I don’t drink during the week etc, but dp seems to frown when I mention having a drink. Any advice?’

God he sounds a bore. I bet all photos he takes are of his drinks/him with a drink to send to his mates.

on the days you say he falls asleep early after only a couple of drinks - do you think theres a chance hes been drinking beforehand that you didnt know about? how many drinks would you say he has in a typical boozing session?

Get out whilst you can

It would be too incompatible for me, I have tried a relationship with a heavy weekend drinker, it’s not something I’d ever want in a partner again, if the lifestyle is too different you’ll end up always resenting it, it’s not like he’s a young guy either so no chance he’ll ever grow up unfortunately.