What’s your take on this behaviour.

[Youaremysunshine99]

I’ve been with my partner 15 months. The last 3 months have not been great with arguements every couple of weeks. We argue a lot because we can’t seem to get each others point of views.. or more so he can’t seem to get mine. The arguements last for days though and often take 2-3 days to resolve.

first big arguement was over me thinking to ask my ex partner who is my kids dad and owns half the house I live in still to fix and issue he’s qualified to fix. My DP didn’t like that and said it was disrespectful to allow my ex upstairs to fix it. I understood his point, But it was ok for him to go round and fix something in his kids house because it was downstairs. He literally said my lack of disregard was disgusting behaviour and he didn’t see me for 5 days and said he needed space.

few weeks after, he said he didn’t like that I was messaging my kids dad about them being unwell and felt it didn’t require 8 messages to inform them that my son was sick.

then this week he has made a big deal out of a joke and banter around me having time off work and loving working part time. My response was pull your finger out I’d love to work part time in the future, clean the house, cook meals and go to the gym whilst you’re at work. It was a joke… but I said equally if the opportunity arose of course I’d love it! His response was why should my Income support your lifestyle. I said ohh wouldn’t it be our Income (bearing in mind for this to even be possible it would be like 20 years down the line, living together, married) and he was like no.. and I said it doesn’t sound very partnership like and sounds very separate and he said you can’t work part time, if I’m working full time then so should you.

anyways that comment bothered me not over me working because I work and have a good career but it was more so he saw the future as HIS income and not approaching it very partner like.

anyways that comment bothered him that much he said he wanted some space to process the big things we don’t align on. Because he sees us as a partnership so me saying I’d love to work part time in the future bothered him…

so Friday night I go out and he’s out. I call him when I’m home for him to say he’s hurt that I drove past his house and didn’t come in, didn’t call or text? I said that he wanted space so I was respecting that… his response was that he felt rejected?? I said hang on a few weeks ago you wanted space from me cause I’d hurt your feelings over contemplating asking my ex for a favour.. I didn’t see that as rejection that’s me respecting your wishes … I’m now respecting your wishes for space and your hurt and rejected?

im sorry but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. Somethings starting to feel off to me about this behaviour but I don’t know if I’m to blame with my actions and comments and would really value some perspective

thanks

Red flags abound .....you can't do right for wrong ...time to call it a day I'm afraid. Start of controlling behaviour and crazy time....been there done that.... this is only going to escalate.

Bin

I don't like how he is so controlling around you messaging your ex and dictating who's "allowed" in which parts of your house, it sounds like he doesn't trust you. I think he might have a point about you wanting to work part time and him still full time and supplementing you so you can go to the gym etc. I couldn't be doing with the sulking about you giving him space that he's asked for and giving you the silent treatment. Overall it doesn't seem like a great relationship and you don't seem suited to each other I'd probably cut my losses and end it.

I would say both his jealousy of your ex and his frustration with your comment re part time working are one of the same issue.. he overreacts and doesn’t then communicate with you what is really going on. unless he is showing you genuine ability to repair easily after conversations then I’d move on and find someone more emotionally mature. We can all communicate badly sometimes but healthy relationships need people to fairly quickly right overeactions, see things from others pov, and apologise easily. Your life will just be this same cycle over and over otherwise. Sounds like you’ve ended an unhappy relationship in the past so you’re already more courageous than most, don’t get stuck now if it isn’t working. Best of luck to you

He sounds like a full time job you don’t get paid for.

For your sake and your kids, dump him.

If it feels like hard work just end it. Honestly, life's too bloody short. A good relationship should make you feel at peace. Not like you are constantly going into battle over the most stupid things. He sounds very insecure.

I would have finished it when he thought he had a right to say i was disgusting for letting someone in MY house.

Honestly my first thought was that he’s checking out; finding fault, negative about your future lives… I think he wants out. Open the door and let him go (or push him out!).

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong here"

The only thing you're doing wrong is that you haven't already told him to fuck off.

Please don’t let this controlling cunt move into your home with your kids

He's a jealous pathetic wanker - honestly don’t waste another day on his sad arse. Bun and don’t look back. Being single far better than being with this loser

He's a total prick. Throw this one back.

He sounds like a selfish, controlling twat. Life is too short to spend it in a relationship with this kind of man.

This relationship sounds exhausting!

Your ex owns half the house and is qualified to fix the issue you mentioned. I'm assuming his children live with you? It seems perfectly reasonable to me to ask him to fix whatever needed fixing.

Your DP sounds jealous of your ex and jealousy is never a good thing.
Does your DP deal with all your disagreements by running off to his place to have his "space?" No wonder it takes so long to resolve anything! It's manipulative behaviour.
You're arguing over something which hypothetically could happen in 20 years time? Life is hard enough without hypothetical scenarios.

Tbh, I don't think you're compatible.

I agree so when he said he doesn’t know if the relationship is good for him and what he needs I said fine.

the next day he’s sweeter than anything to me. I just don’t get it.

He has attachment issues from your description of it. He sounds entitled to be soothed all the time, probably because he's incapable of sitting on uncomfortable feelings.

I highly doubt he's going to solve these issues any time soon. He definitely won't sort them if you only find the right way of explaining things to him. This is entirely his own problem to identify and resolve.

I'd get out of there. He will not stop behaving like this, particularly when you're seen by him as complicit in it by forgiving it.

My take on the behaviour? He's a tit. And a controlling tit to boot.

Sorry, but you did ask.

Your mistake was not telling him to jog on when he made the comment about your children’s father. And about the repairs.

He’s clearly an absolute knob and I would have read him the riot act and unless he apologised and was actually contrite I would have binned him there and then.

Perhaps my standards are too high - I am single. But I would not put up with that shit from anyone.

Re working - I don’t believe it is fair to expect a partner to work to subsidise the other unless the other is sick, disabled or brining up children.

Working part time is a luxury and it’s not fair to expect someone else to pay for it.

Textbook manipulation - blowing hot and cold to mess with your head.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Good grief he sounds like hard work. Lots of red flags there too. I’d throw him back sweetie. Life’s too short to deal with fuckwittery like that.

So many Red Flags. I would seriously be considering whether I should be in this relationship.

You can tie yourself up in anguished knots trying to understand him and his behaviour. Or, take the simpler approach and ask yourself, “is this what I want from a relationship?”

I’ve been in terrible situations in the past. And exhausted myself trying to understand. Now I’m with someone lovely and, as a PP wrote, it brings peace to my life. You deserve peace, we all do. I’m not telling you what to do, I promise, I have no right. But relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

Life's too short for that kind of hassle, tell him he can have as much space as he wants, because you are out.

I am starting to wonder if this is right for me at all. Because when it’s good it’s great but that’s not reality because we’re going to disagree again and I can’t keep doing this.

on the Friday night he said some harsh words and ended the call… the call me up 30 mins later to check I was ok. I responded no.. and he went well I was only calling to see if you was ok… and I’m like yeah and I’m not so what is it you want Exacrly at this point he was sitting in silence and his response was see this is what I mean this is toxic?

it’s just hard and was never like this. I don’t get the sudden change in behaviour

He sounds like a complete wanker.