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Original poster

What’s your take on this behaviour.

82 replies

Youaremysunshine99 · 06/04/2025 16:50

I’ve been with my partner 15 months. The last 3 months have not been great with arguements every couple of weeks. We argue a lot because we can’t seem to get each others point of views.. or more so he can’t seem to get mine. The arguements last for days though and often take 2-3 days to resolve.

first big arguement was over me thinking to ask my ex partner who is my kids dad and owns half the house I live in still to fix and issue he’s qualified to fix. My DP didn’t like that and said it was disrespectful to allow my ex upstairs to fix it. I understood his point, But it was ok for him to go round and fix something in his kids house because it was downstairs. He literally said my lack of disregard was disgusting behaviour and he didn’t see me for 5 days and said he needed space.

few weeks after, he said he didn’t like that I was messaging my kids dad about them being unwell and felt it didn’t require 8 messages to inform them that my son was sick.

then this week he has made a big deal out of a joke and banter around me having time off work and loving working part time. My response was pull your finger out I’d love to work part time in the future, clean the house, cook meals and go to the gym whilst you’re at work. It was a joke… but I said equally if the opportunity arose of course I’d love it! His response was why should my Income support your lifestyle. I said ohh wouldn’t it be our Income (bearing in mind for this to even be possible it would be like 20 years down the line, living together, married) and he was like no.. and I said it doesn’t sound very partnership like and sounds very separate and he said you can’t work part time, if I’m working full time then so should you.

anyways that comment bothered me not over me working because I work and have a good career but it was more so he saw the future as HIS income and not approaching it very partner like.

anyways that comment bothered him that much he said he wanted some space to process the big things we don’t align on. Because he sees us as a partnership so me saying I’d love to work part time in the future bothered him…

so Friday night I go out and he’s out. I call him when I’m home for him to say he’s hurt that I drove past his house and didn’t come in, didn’t call or text? I said that he wanted space so I was respecting that… his response was that he felt rejected?? I said hang on a few weeks ago you wanted space from me cause I’d hurt your feelings over contemplating asking my ex for a favour.. I didn’t see that as rejection that’s me respecting your wishes … I’m now respecting your wishes for space and your hurt and rejected?

im sorry but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. Somethings starting to feel off to me about this behaviour but I don’t know if I’m to blame with my actions and comments and would really value some perspective

thanks

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 06/04/2025 17:33

Oh god, this man is an absolute tosser.

He’s showing his true colours here and you need to end this relationship. How dare he try to police how many conversations you have with your ex about your own kids, or tell you who can or cannot enter your home? Why the hell shouldn’t your ex fix a problem in YOUR house?

Your boyfriend is manipulating you and messing with your head on purpose. One day he’s awful, the next he’s sweet. One day something is what he wants, the next day it’s wrong. He’s pulling the rug from under your feet to make you insecure.

Honestly, things will only get worse if you stay with him.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/04/2025 17:34

JenniferAnistonForReals · 06/04/2025 17:20

You can tie yourself up in anguished knots trying to understand him and his behaviour. Or, take the simpler approach and ask yourself, “is this what I want from a relationship?”

I’ve been in terrible situations in the past. And exhausted myself trying to understand. Now I’m with someone lovely and, as a PP wrote, it brings peace to my life. You deserve peace, we all do. I’m not telling you what to do, I promise, I have no right. But relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

@Youaremysunshine99

This, op, this, he wants you tied up in knots, he wants you on the backfoot because he either wants to leave but is too chicken shit or he is an abusive man who wants to get more control.
You can't do anything right by him, so you end up questioning yourself and thinking perhaps you have done something wrong.

You haven't.

If he has you all confused and pretend to be offended or upset then you're more likely to start " behaving " how he wants, give in to his pov, do more to keep him happy and less argumentative.

He is a shit either way.

Orangemintcream · 06/04/2025 17:34

Youaremysunshine99 · 06/04/2025 17:32

I am starting to wonder if this is right for me at all. Because when it’s good it’s great but that’s not reality because we’re going to disagree again and I can’t keep doing this.

on the Friday night he said some harsh words and ended the call… the call me up 30 mins later to check I was ok. I responded no.. and he went well I was only calling to see if you was ok… and I’m like yeah and I’m not so what is it you want Exacrly at this point he was sitting in silence and his response was see this is what I mean this is toxic?

it’s just hard and was never like this. I don’t get the sudden change in behaviour

Good. Because it’s not acceptable for anyone to be treated like that.

It’s good to reel you back in. It’s part of the cycle of abuse.

The sudden changes are to confuse and destabilise you. He does this on purpose.

mnreader · 06/04/2025 17:38

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mnreader · 06/04/2025 17:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ThewrathofBethDutton · 06/04/2025 17:39

Absofuckinglutely NO fucking way on Gods green earth would I waste one more second on this cunt.

Nope. No. Block, block block.

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 06/04/2025 17:39

Get rid…hes a selfish control freak.

user2848502016 · 06/04/2025 17:43

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.
Red flags galore from him though…dump him

TwistedWonder · 06/04/2025 17:44

Youaremysunshine99 · 06/04/2025 17:32

I am starting to wonder if this is right for me at all. Because when it’s good it’s great but that’s not reality because we’re going to disagree again and I can’t keep doing this.

on the Friday night he said some harsh words and ended the call… the call me up 30 mins later to check I was ok. I responded no.. and he went well I was only calling to see if you was ok… and I’m like yeah and I’m not so what is it you want Exacrly at this point he was sitting in silence and his response was see this is what I mean this is toxic?

it’s just hard and was never like this. I don’t get the sudden change in behaviour

Read any of the million and one threads on here with women stuck in abusive relationships and every single one of them says ‘when it’s good it’s so good’ ‘he’s so sweet and kind when he’s not being a complete cunt’ ‘he’s a wonderful father if you ignore treating their mother like shit on his shoe’

Its textbook

Miaowzabella · 06/04/2025 17:48

Please don't waste any more of your time on this one.

CountryTunes · 06/04/2025 17:50

There are too many issues: jealousy about your ex, differences on financial outlook, toxic pull and push behaviour. I think maybe the relationship may not be compatible.....let him go OP, save yourself...he is hard work, life is too short

BitOutOfPractice · 06/04/2025 17:52

Surely you can see he’s punishing you by withdrawing every time you dare to disagree with him? And you know that’s abusive don’t you? That fragile male ego would be a massively hard no from me.

Sassybooklover · 06/04/2025 17:56

He's clearly very jealous of your ex, the Father of your children and sees him as a threat to his relationship with you. You have children together, so therefore you have to co-parent with your ex - which sounds amicable, if you were asking him for a favour. Surely, a amicable, friendly co-parent arrangement is far better than you and your ex at loggerheads! How you deal with your ex, your children, running your home etc, has zero to do with your partner. You don't live together, therefore he has no say. All this 'wanting space', and then feeling rejected because you gave him the space he asked for is pathetic and utterly ridiculous! He's a grown adult, not a 15 year old! It seems to me, that you can't do right, no matter what you do and he'll have something to complain about regardless. It sounds exhausting and draining. I'd end the relationship, it's causing more upset and drama, than it should be for a 15 month relationship.

FidosMum84 · 06/04/2025 17:58

This behaviour is so manipulative and controlling.
You choose who comes to your house and why. No one else.
Also ghosting then love bombing is to purposefully confuse you into letting him do this to you for longer.
You may not want to hear this but you do have to leave if only for your sanity. He’ll constantly have you second guessing everything if you don’t.

Crocomum2022 · 06/04/2025 18:07

You can speak you your kids Dad whenever you need to it’s between you guys as the parents. Kids come first in any relationship

Moveoverdarlin · 06/04/2025 18:10

He sounds like a big baby. It shouldn’t be such hard work at only 15 months in.

Original poster
Youaremysunshine99 · 06/04/2025 18:21

Sassybooklover · 06/04/2025 17:56

He's clearly very jealous of your ex, the Father of your children and sees him as a threat to his relationship with you. You have children together, so therefore you have to co-parent with your ex - which sounds amicable, if you were asking him for a favour. Surely, a amicable, friendly co-parent arrangement is far better than you and your ex at loggerheads! How you deal with your ex, your children, running your home etc, has zero to do with your partner. You don't live together, therefore he has no say. All this 'wanting space', and then feeling rejected because you gave him the space he asked for is pathetic and utterly ridiculous! He's a grown adult, not a 15 year old! It seems to me, that you can't do right, no matter what you do and he'll have something to complain about regardless. It sounds exhausting and draining. I'd end the relationship, it's causing more upset and drama, than it should be for a 15 month relationship.

Me and my ex have had a shit time of it and 3 months ago was in a bad place.

my DP told me to sort it out and said he can’t withstand me being in such a toxic co parenting relationship as it’s having an impact on me.

fast forward me and my ex are making amends and now it’s too much? His response was he either has to put up with me and my ex being toxic or me thinking that it’s acceptable to have him in my bedroom. I said to him I can’t win at this point

OP posts:
TheFunnyPinkWriter · 06/04/2025 18:24

His poor emotional behaviour and mood swings are making you question what you are doing wrong...sounds like gaslighting to me!
Run! As fast as you can! If he thinks it's ok to treat you this way, imagine the influence he could have on your children...

OhCobblers · 06/04/2025 18:46

What a dickhead. God knows how you’ve put up with him this long?! Really just dump him!

blacksax · 06/04/2025 19:45

Youaremysunshine99 · 06/04/2025 18:21

Me and my ex have had a shit time of it and 3 months ago was in a bad place.

my DP told me to sort it out and said he can’t withstand me being in such a toxic co parenting relationship as it’s having an impact on me.

fast forward me and my ex are making amends and now it’s too much? His response was he either has to put up with me and my ex being toxic or me thinking that it’s acceptable to have him in my bedroom. I said to him I can’t win at this point

Show quote history

I said to him I can't win at this point

Oh but you can. You've already got rid of one toxic bastard out of your life (and that was far more complicated with dc involved) so giving this one his marching orders should be a piece of cake.

Just dump him.

MaMaMaMaBaker · 06/04/2025 20:19

I said to him I can't win at this point

You've got it in one here. It's a question of how much of your time you're willing to spend before accepting that.

You can't talk to people who don't want to hear you.

TipsyJoker · 06/04/2025 20:22

Youaremysunshine99 · 06/04/2025 17:32

I am starting to wonder if this is right for me at all. Because when it’s good it’s great but that’s not reality because we’re going to disagree again and I can’t keep doing this.

on the Friday night he said some harsh words and ended the call… the call me up 30 mins later to check I was ok. I responded no.. and he went well I was only calling to see if you was ok… and I’m like yeah and I’m not so what is it you want Exacrly at this point he was sitting in silence and his response was see this is what I mean this is toxic?

it’s just hard and was never like this. I don’t get the sudden change in behaviour

He’s a head worker. He’s controlling. Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and block him. Never see him again. Run!

StartAnew · 06/04/2025 20:23

TBH, I think you have enough on your plate negotiating your relationship with your ex. Could you take a break from your new man and get that sorted before deciding whether you want to be with him? He sounds like very hard work.

Cryingatthegym · 06/04/2025 20:27

Fuck that for a game of DARVO.

OP, it's a relatively new relationship and there are red flags galore. Get out now before you're more invested. This will only get more toxic.

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