What’s your take on this behaviour.

[Youaremysunshine99]

I’ve been with my partner 15 months. The last 3 months have not been great with arguements every couple of weeks. We argue a lot because we can’t seem to get each others point of views.. or more so he can’t seem to get mine. The arguements last for days though and often take 2-3 days to resolve.

first big arguement was over me thinking to ask my ex partner who is my kids dad and owns half the house I live in still to fix and issue he’s qualified to fix. My DP didn’t like that and said it was disrespectful to allow my ex upstairs to fix it. I understood his point, But it was ok for him to go round and fix something in his kids house because it was downstairs. He literally said my lack of disregard was disgusting behaviour and he didn’t see me for 5 days and said he needed space.

few weeks after, he said he didn’t like that I was messaging my kids dad about them being unwell and felt it didn’t require 8 messages to inform them that my son was sick.

then this week he has made a big deal out of a joke and banter around me having time off work and loving working part time. My response was pull your finger out I’d love to work part time in the future, clean the house, cook meals and go to the gym whilst you’re at work. It was a joke… but I said equally if the opportunity arose of course I’d love it! His response was why should my Income support your lifestyle. I said ohh wouldn’t it be our Income (bearing in mind for this to even be possible it would be like 20 years down the line, living together, married) and he was like no.. and I said it doesn’t sound very partnership like and sounds very separate and he said you can’t work part time, if I’m working full time then so should you.

anyways that comment bothered me not over me working because I work and have a good career but it was more so he saw the future as HIS income and not approaching it very partner like.

anyways that comment bothered him that much he said he wanted some space to process the big things we don’t align on. Because he sees us as a partnership so me saying I’d love to work part time in the future bothered him…

so Friday night I go out and he’s out. I call him when I’m home for him to say he’s hurt that I drove past his house and didn’t come in, didn’t call or text? I said that he wanted space so I was respecting that… his response was that he felt rejected?? I said hang on a few weeks ago you wanted space from me cause I’d hurt your feelings over contemplating asking my ex for a favour.. I didn’t see that as rejection that’s me respecting your wishes … I’m now respecting your wishes for space and your hurt and rejected?

im sorry but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. Somethings starting to feel off to me about this behaviour but I don’t know if I’m to blame with my actions and comments and would really value some perspective

thanks

the next day he’s sweeter than anything to me. I just don’t get it.

It's called the cycle of abuse. It's confusing on purpose.

He's a controlling 🔔🔚 and therefore you should get rid.

This!

He has made it his mission to demean, devalue and destabilise you. This is not love.
A decent man will build you up and make you happy, not this head fuckery.

You sound lovely, the only thing you are doing wrong is continuing to entertain this arrogant, controlling, entitled twat. Do yourself a massive favour and bin him asap. You have a choice here, op.

Leave

Maybe you should do a Clare’s Law request on him to see if he’s got previous for being abusive. He won’t know you’ve done it.

clares-law.com

Are you out of your mind being involved with this controlling manipulative abusive arsehole?

Dump him and keep him the hell away from your children.
Who you allow in your house is your business.
Are you out of your mind not to know this?

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Read "Why does he do that?" Lundy Bancroft

and do a Claires Law search as suggested.

He is unhinged and your relationship bar is on the ground.

Your children deserve better than their mother bringing an unhinged arsehole into their lives.
Have they not been through enough?

He's trying to shut down your co-parenting relationship with your child's father because he's jealous.

That is way out of line and not in your child's best interests. This is a hill to die on. Your son and his welfare come first.

Second, he gave you the silent treatment over you communicating with your child's dad when your child was ill. The silent treatment is abuse.

Abuse. Trying to trash your co-parenting.

Those should each be relationship enders. Together, dump him.

Focus on your children.
They don’t need another abusive man in their lives.

He's not suddenly going to change and see your point of view. He's going to get worse, and more controlling. That means more nit-picking, more arguments that last for days, more sulking and silent treatment - and is that really what you want for the rest of your life?

Get out now, while it's relatively easy to do. It only ever gets harder to end things, because you get more confused and more trauma-bonded. Really, get out now, for the sake of your children if nothing else.

Well the honeymoon period is truly over!

The whole relationship just sounds too much like hard work to me. I just couldn’t be bothered with all of this to be honest.

Life’s for living so get out there and start living it without all this nonsense!

'Space' is really just him sulking. The fact you are chilled about him having space has given him the rage! The conversation about equally working sounds so cold. He wasn't enjoying banter, despite the fact you want to work full time anyway. He's so scared you will need something from him! It's only been 15 months, this is still meant to be the honeymoon stage. This is rubbish OP.

Run fast, run far.

He waited a year to show his true colours.

You absolutely need to get this man out of your day to day life now. The relationship is over anyway due to his controlling aka abusive behaviour. Who died and made him King?.

Show your children better relationship lessons by dumping your current abuser.
They've also been through enough already. Be on your own and be with your children; put them front and centre now in your life. Enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme and do not enter into another relationship until your boundaries (already skewed by past poor relationships and this abuser now) are a lot healthier.

You’d be foolish to stay in this relationship if you weren’t a mum.

You’d be irresponsible to do so if you are a mum, which you are.

Because it’s modelling such toxic and unhealthy relationship behaviours that it will impact your children.

Firstly because it makes their mum anxious, unsure of herself, lacking in confidence and distracted.

And secondly because they will see their mum in this type of relationship and therefore think it’s normal and what they should expect themselves as adults.

This relationship is completely unhealthy and you need to end it asap tbh.

Yes I agree the wording about work was cold. That’s the point it just made me feel like no partnership thought was there.

and there would be no Claire’s law file he was married for 15 years. Not too say there wasn’t issues but never argued because they never spoke… apparently but I have seen messages from his ex wife begging for him back last year so

Yup.

And the being stuck in the 'what and I doing wrong, I can't seem to say anything right...'. Because he wants you stuck feeling that way. Because he's an abusive knob.

Healthy relationships aren't continuous arguments. He's trying to wear you down to keep you trapped and miserable.

Get rid.
Don't even bother telling him why as he'll only headfuck you. Just 'I'm not happy in this relationship anymore so we're over'.

He enjoys having power over you, treating you like a puppet on a string. This relationship will never make you happy as he becomes more and more manipulative and controlling, you will end up a shell of your former self. Please end it for your sake and, more importantly, your children’s.

This +++.

I think you were wrong on the part time work issue. He is wrong on everything else.

He's a controlling weirdo. And why can't your ex go upstairs in a house where his children live, that he owns half of, with the resident's consent?! It's none of his business and deeply bizarre. He sounds childish and unhinged. And so so selfish.
Get rid of him today. Block on everything as he seems like the type to try and manipulate or harass you.

Too much like hard work! Time to quit and live your life.

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have previous reports from other people even if he was married. Or even in between marriage and you. There’s no harm in checking. I think you’re in real danger of being in an abusive relationship given this guys behaviour.

Edit*
Sorry wrong thread reply