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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still pining after OW?

105 replies

Owlet99 · 05/04/2025 16:10

DH and I have been together around 15 years, married for 8 of those, now early 40s with 1 DC primary school age.

I discovered DH was having an affair around 3.5 years ago. That one had lasted nearly a year. But he also confessed to a ONS before we even got married. Said we couldn’t move forward unless he was ‘completely honest’.

I don’t want to make this too long but I was absolutely blindsided, not ok for a long time. Ultimately we tried to reconcile for DC.

It has not been easy. I was convinced he would leave me for over 1.5 years afterwards, and I know it seems like he should have been the one worried about me leaving but honestly I was all over the place, not strong enough.

Anyway, found out recently he has been looking at the OW’s socials. No communication. Just looking at her picture / posts. Three and half years later. I am in shock, this amount of time on and I honestly thought she would be a distant memory by now. What am I supposed to do or think? Just idle curiosity or was he completely downplaying how he felt about her to me?
Trying to gauge how worth it it is bringing it up because he will just minimise it won’t he? But it suggests to me he is still thinking of her and am honestly just devastated.

I know the standard advice is to just leave but I have been through hell trying to make this work for so long and I felt we were on the right track. Or am I just delaying the inevitable and ultimately he won’t be able to stay away from her, or anyone else for that matter…

OP posts:
Specso · 05/04/2025 16:27

Sorry to say but if he’s looking her up then at best he’s still thinking about her and at worst may still have feelings for her.

Sorry you’re going through this but if you’ve done everything to try and get back on track and he’s still looking her up then he’s showing a massive lack of respect for you and I fear you’ll spend your life feeling on edge waiting for the next act of disrespect. No man or marriage is worth spending your life feeling sad and worried. You only get one life. Take some time to really think about your future and how it will feel being with him knowing he’s still interested in her.

Loubelou71 · 05/04/2025 16:28

I'm not sure why you'd want to stay. I couldn't stay with a man who'd cheated. I tried but you can never know what's going on in their head. So in the end I gave up. I tried for a couple of years so didn't give up easily but life's too short. We're here once so it's not fair to yourself to accept less than you deserve.

Original poster
Owlet99 · 05/04/2025 16:32

@Specso still thinking about her 3.5 years on? even if just curiosity it seems like such a long time and surprising given he was so keen to ‘keep the past in the past’…

I agree it is disrespectful. And still apparently ok with hiding things and sneaking around. Even if not physically.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 05/04/2025 16:32

I guess he may just have ‘sexual feelings’ (ie wanking over her). But I’m not sure that’s much better?

Original poster
Owlet99 · 05/04/2025 16:36

Gymbunny2025 · 05/04/2025 16:32

I guess he may just have ‘sexual feelings’ (ie wanking over her). But I’m not sure that’s much better?

Do men even do that when the pictures aren’t even sexual?? Like her fb / LinkedIn profile pic?

I mean nothing would surprise me anymore…

OP posts:
Circleofthesun · 05/04/2025 16:45

Sorry you’re going through this it’s so hurtful. It’s impossible to know if this is just idle curiosity or a more regular occurrence/evidence of unfinished business. When you say you thought he’d leave does that mean he fessed up to the affair & admitted true feelings for OW leaving you fearful or did it come down to him choosing you over her? If it were me I’d be going forensic on everything else to see if there’s any other evidence of contact/& or other infidelities (like webcam sites for eg). Does he have any dealings with her eg through work /hobbies/ lifestyle at all? Of course playing detective only fuels further distress, paranoia & mistrust. I know I could not live with infidelity but it’s so easy to say LTB & split up your family etc so it’s so easy to say not as easy to do. But it may mean you have to rethink if it is something you want longer term despite all the hard work & angst that it’s taken to get to here 💐

Original poster
Owlet99 · 05/04/2025 16:48

Circleofthesun · 05/04/2025 16:45

Sorry you’re going through this it’s so hurtful. It’s impossible to know if this is just idle curiosity or a more regular occurrence/evidence of unfinished business. When you say you thought he’d leave does that mean he fessed up to the affair & admitted true feelings for OW leaving you fearful or did it come down to him choosing you over her? If it were me I’d be going forensic on everything else to see if there’s any other evidence of contact/& or other infidelities (like webcam sites for eg). Does he have any dealings with her eg through work /hobbies/ lifestyle at all? Of course playing detective only fuels further distress, paranoia & mistrust. I know I could not live with infidelity but it’s so easy to say LTB & split up your family etc so it’s so easy to say not as easy to do. But it may mean you have to rethink if it is something you want longer term despite all the hard work & angst that it’s taken to get to here 💐

I found out about the affair but had I not it would not have finished. There was evidence to suggest it was emotional / serious. Ultimately he stayed with me and DC.

They do not come into contact generally through work or anything as far as I know. I haven’t found evidence on anything else yet 😕

OP posts:
GoAwayNow7 · 05/04/2025 16:52

It’s normal for cheaters to do this sadly.

Original poster
Owlet99 · 05/04/2025 16:53

GoAwayNow7 · 05/04/2025 16:52

It’s normal for cheaters to do this sadly.

What pine after their old APs? Why? Given the hurt and the damage of it all I would want to erase it from my memory. I wish I could…!

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 05/04/2025 16:58

He doesn’t want to erase it from his memory op. You said yourself it was serious, and if not discovered, would likely still be going on. He still holds a candle to her. Surely you are worth more than being a sad second best?

skelter83 · 05/04/2025 17:03

It’s not great but he’s probably curious. I look up old boyfriends occasionally to see what they’re up to. It doesn’t mean I’m longing for them. It’s definitely ill-advised on his part and it’s obviously hurtful but idle scrolling sometimes leads you down rabbit holes.

AltitudeCheck · 05/04/2025 17:05

Have you ever looked up an ex-bf to see what they're up to now? A bit of nosiness, a bit of nostalgia? (But knowing 100% that you have no intention of contacting them and certainly not wanking over them or even giving them more than a few passing minutes of your thoughts?) Especially if it was someone you had feelings for but chose to let go.

If you are determined to make a go of it with OH then you have to choose to trust him again and it is hard and you will have times where you wobble. He needs to know when your trust feels like it is wavering and he needs to be patient, it will take years to rebuild. Speak to him and tell him you're feeling insecure because you know he looked at her socials and ask for the reassurance you need.

Endofyear · 05/04/2025 17:13

How did you find out he'd been looking at her socials? There's no real way of knowing if it was just idle curiosity, pining for her or if he was thinking about contacting her again. You could speak to him about it but as you said, there's no guarantee he'd be honest. He must be a pretty good liar if he was seeing her for a year behind your back.

I think if I were you I'd be thinking hard about continuing with the marriage. Are you going to spend the rest of your life wondering what he's up to? Will you ever be able to trust him again?

Original poster
Owlet99 · 05/04/2025 17:16

He has done this in the past, a long time ago, I didn’t say anything and assumed as PP said there was nothing in it. But he’s now doing it again and more time has passed and it feels like a bigger deal than a one off.

I don’t think you can ever fully trust again once someone has cheated but in a way you kind of learn to deal with it and trust as much as you can whilst knowing what they’re capable of.

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 05/04/2025 17:21

That's a sad life for you. Would you not rather be happy?
Instead of thinking about this man, focus on your future, what will bring you joy, contentment, peace and enrich your life. Cultivate hobbies and friendships.

Give the man as much consideration he has for you. He wanted to lie, cheat, put your health at risk and traumatise you to prioritise his lust. He's a fundamentally terrible person.

Diarygirlqueen · 05/04/2025 17:24

I couldn't live like this OP, your self-esteem must be shot to shreds.
I really think you need a calm and honest talk with him, while anticipating some brutal answers from him. You deserve better, don't forget you're the innocent victim in this situation.
I dont think I could move on from this, thinking of you x

FairyMaclary · 05/04/2025 17:34

What have you changed in your life since you found out? What has changed in your relationship? Do you have solid friends, hobbies etc?

If you are still struggling in any way with self esteem I recommend the book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant. Follow the exercises, very easy to do, you may feel daft but try them.

What was his reason for cheating? If he blames you in anyway then he hasn’t got to the bottom of his poor choices. So ‘we weren’t getting on’ ‘we were having a rough patch’ etc. Many have rough patches (for example) but you cannot force anyone to betray their own vows, integrity and core values.

You could be the worst wife in the world but you can’t force someone to break their word. My husband is very annoying at times but I don’t cheat for ME. My word matters to me. I want tomlike the person I see in the mirror. My husband is collateral damage to my choices. He is not powerful enough to make me cheat or remain faithful.

Your self esteem may also be fine and you are making an informed decision to stay. That’s okay too op.

But we are here if you want to talk.

QueefQueen80s · 05/04/2025 17:41

A lot of the time the OW/OM is someone they love, not just sex. And when it has to end abruptly then there is no closure so time might heal but they are usually in their thoughts every day even after years. Or it might just be a curiosity thing.
The important thing is he’s with you, is he making you feel loved, do you feel close?

Eggsboxedandmelting · 05/04/2025 17:44

Seriously op he made vows to you but keeping them shouldn't be this hard.
He won't ever change..
Ltb and don't look back.

H112 · 05/04/2025 17:45

Why are you in shock ?

You let him away with an affair. You let him away with a one night stand.

He will 110% have another affair as you let him walk all over you. He does not love you.

2025willbemytime · 05/04/2025 17:46

This is my experience of friends.

He had an affair. Wife stayed with him. He never saw or contacted the other woman again.

A different he, reconnected with a previous girlfriend. Short text contact. On and off for years via text and then with years with no contact. Never stopped thinking of her even though he's married. Now having a years long affair with the previous girlfriend (who isn't married).

Doesn't bode well for your relationship with your h similar actions. Sorry.

Original poster
Owlet99 · 05/04/2025 17:55

2025willbemytime · 05/04/2025 17:46

This is my experience of friends.

He had an affair. Wife stayed with him. He never saw or contacted the other woman again.

A different he, reconnected with a previous girlfriend. Short text contact. On and off for years via text and then with years with no contact. Never stopped thinking of her even though he's married. Now having a years long affair with the previous girlfriend (who isn't married).

Doesn't bode well for your relationship with your h similar actions. Sorry.

Well he hasn’t seen or contacted her again… 😕

OP posts:
Askmehowiknow2021 · 05/04/2025 18:03

Could just be idle scrolling, but honestly op, if you’ve both done the work to get over this, you should be able to ask him? Did you have therapy together or separately after you found out before? Does he know why he did it? Has he taken full responsibility for being such a total shitbag?

2025willbemytime · 05/04/2025 18:04

If he's not seen her or texted, good, but looking her up is still disrespecting you.

Bernadinetta · 05/04/2025 18:14

Owlet99 · 05/04/2025 17:55

Well he hasn’t seen or contacted her again… 😕

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