Still pining after OW?

[Owlet99]

DH and I have been together around 15 years, married for 8 of those, now early 40s with 1 DC primary school age.

I discovered DH was having an affair around 3.5 years ago. That one had lasted nearly a year. But he also confessed to a ONS before we even got married. Said we couldn’t move forward unless he was ‘completely honest’.

I don’t want to make this too long but I was absolutely blindsided, not ok for a long time. Ultimately we tried to reconcile for DC.

It has not been easy. I was convinced he would leave me for over 1.5 years afterwards, and I know it seems like he should have been the one worried about me leaving but honestly I was all over the place, not strong enough.

Anyway, found out recently he has been looking at the OW’s socials. No communication. Just looking at her picture / posts. Three and half years later. I am in shock, this amount of time on and I honestly thought she would be a distant memory by now. What am I supposed to do or think? Just idle curiosity or was he completely downplaying how he felt about her to me?
Trying to gauge how worth it it is bringing it up because he will just minimise it won’t he? But it suggests to me he is still thinking of her and am honestly just devastated.

I know the standard advice is to just leave but I have been through hell trying to make this work for so long and I felt we were on the right track. Or am I just delaying the inevitable and ultimately he won’t be able to stay away from her, or anyone else for that matter…

A friend of mine had an affair with a married man (she was also married). Their respective partners found out, and they both agreed to stop the affair and stay for the kids. They had no contact for years, but eventually he started emailing her saying he was thinking of her, blah blah blah, and they ended up restarting the affair. They're now married to each other.

But you don’t know he hasn’t ?
I personally wouldn’t stay with someone who’d cheated , but you decided to try and repair your marriage.
It hasn’t worked I’m afraid, you’ll always be wondering what he’s doing and there’s a high chance he’ll do it again.

Who knows why he looked.

What you do know he's cheated.

Can you live your life like this, that's the real question.

I think it depends on how you view cheating & infidelity @Owlet99. If you subscribe to the a one off aberration, explained by other issues, that once addressed (ie via couples therapy) & accountability taken, can be solved & moved on from - or - the view that once a cheater always a cheater? Now of course there will be many marriages where the former occurs & the couple can & do truly move on from it. But I’m sure the traits that allow a person to deceive, & abuse their supposed DW’s trust & good faith, lack of respect & empathy for her (or their DC) & difficulties perhaps with intimacy (not the physical kind) along with some internalised misogyny (I’m a man therefore I can’t keep it in my pants women are built differently or other justifications/she’s not into sex any more since the kids etc etc) all must still show themselves to their partner long since the affair actually stops. They’ll just present in other ways. Is that how you want to be treated? And to live for the rest of your marriage? Or they”ll be forced underground & concealed & come out as him being inauthentic & playing the role of a good DH. And then reverting to covertly meeting those needs through sex sites, porn, other. I agree that some counselling for yourself might help you work out what you want. What you believe now having tried to be the dutiful wife who has saved her marriage. Perhaps you have been caught in fixing mode & working towards a goal you thought was shared by him too only to realise that what you hold so dear & important isn’t shared by him at all. He still as you say is lying & being deceitful. As long as you don’t find out then it’s ok to him. Not I better not lie to my wife & honesty is always the better policy.

She’s still his ex. He had a relationship with her albeit during your marriage. That makes her his ex. I know you don’t like to think of it like that but she is. In his heart she is and he’s clearly not over her. Why isn’t she blocked?

And he will keep lying because he thinks your a mug.

I know someone who didn't speak to their ex for over four years. Then did. They are having an affair now. Time doesn't always mean what you want it to mean. I really hope he was just having a moment but it is how he is treating you now that is the issue. He's not keeping it to himself to protect you, it's because he wants his little memories for himself and maybe will contact her. You'll have a row, burn his tea, any slight excuse.

The way it ended left him with unresolved feelings for her. Ironically if he had left to be with her it probably wouldn’t have worked out as I believe the stats on AP relationships are quite poor. But she will always be the one who got away.

i personally couldn’t live like that. And his self control is appalling. He can’t help his feelings but by looking at her he is making a choice. Despite all the hard work he has apparently done on himself and your relationship he is sabotaging himself over and over again. You don’t deserve to feel like he settled for you.

Oh come on op. He’s not trying to protect you. He’s protecting himself. He wants an easy life with you in your box, making his life easier. Sorry to be blunt, but Please Stop believing his lies and Do Something, or this is your life for ever more, He Won’t Change.

I know, it’s not as if looking her up will help him get over her. It feels like he wants to hold on. It’s so upsetting.

Why want he deleting his search history? He will be now!

He’s not protecting you. He’s protecting himself.

No one can end another “couple’s” relationship for them. They had to end contact abruptly and unnaturally, hence the feelings still beneath the surface. There has been no proper closure. If there were no real feelings, she wouldn’t even cross his mind now.

I am speaking from experience here. The feelings stay real for a very long time and I still think about him every single day.

How do you KNOW he hasn’t?

And why wouldn’t he, despite it being a few years on, if he still has feelings for her?

Whether you like it or not, she’s an ex.

I know it's frowned upon to give anecdotes about one's personal history - but mine does seem very similar to yours. I am old so this was thirty years ago - but feelings remain the same don't they. I am sorry it's so long though.

Married a similar amount of time to you with 2 primary aged children, we were both coming up to 40. He had an affair with someone from a European country over on a student visa for a few months. I worked out later all the lies he had told in order to be with her, including spending a long weekend with her in a holiday resort. She was going to leave her bf and he was going to move abroad to live with her (in a country where he didn't speak the language). This was all arranged with me completely clueless.

She then went home and decided that her bf was the better bet after all and finished with my ex. He was inconsolable and therefore had to tell me. I can hardly bear to think of that time, it was so painful. He was mourning another woman and expected me to understand and even support him. I felt I couldn't tell anyone (I REALLY wish I had, my life would have been different for sure). He cried, I cried, I asked him for space - he stayed with some student friends for literally ONE night and then came back because he didn't like it. There was a lot of unreasonable argument and demand from him - in my defence I was a lot younger then and still loved him. It's funny to think now, he started speaking to me in a hectoring way he often had and then kept realising that actually he was the one in the wrong. So in the end I had to agree to give him a second chance. What a mistake, he was always going to be resentful that I wasn't his OW and I was never going to trust him again - in fact he completely gave me the ick after a few months. He left anyway after 8 years - after talking me into staying with him until our children had done some exams, he used the time to line up my replacement.

Anyway, the bit I was coming to was when he had left (he went abroad) I found a letter he had received from his original OW about 3 years after their affair, thanking him for the chocolates he had sent her but telling him not to write to her again. So you see - same pattern.

I know we are not all the same, but it is one of my regrets (apart from marrying him to begin with now) that I didn't stick to my guns and insist that he left, that I didn't tell friends or my family about the situation (they would have supported me emotionally and financially), that I kept his dirty secret as if it were my fault. I wasted a further 8 years on that man (we were married for 23 years). Had MN been around thirty years ago, my life would have been very different.

Fundamentally he does not respect you at all. He has no intention of offering you a loving, secure relationship op.

I don’t know how you can live with this. It is so unhealthy and eroding at every inch of your well being and quality of life.

It’s the sunk cost fallacy op, you need to leave and not invest anything else into this dead marriage. It is over, it’s been over for years and now you are just dragging out the inevitable.

Please leave - get some counselling as to why you have put up with this disgrace of a man for as long as you have. He will never be the husband you want him to be, ever. He will continue to break your heart, use you for his own benefit and disrespect you.

Because he still has feelings for her. You want to erase the affair and her from your memory because it was an incredibly painful time. He doesn't feel the same way about it because he has happy memories from the time he was having the affair with her.

I would worry that he had one foot out of the door and I would think about whether I would be happier and less stressed if we split up.

I am naturally concerned that him staying was just because we have young DC and is biding his time. But then he has risked losing her, so there’s that too. So part of me thinks he can’t have been that bothered but equally then why still look her up.

so many conflicting thoughts about it all.

I have felt a distance between us and thought that would be normal after everything and it would be repaired but as I said I was worried for such a long time he would leave and I guess part of me was subconsciously picking up on something. But then he insists he won’t and doesn’t plan to.

He has a ONS...you forgave him.
He had an affair...you forgive him.

And you're now focusing on looking up pictures. Surely if you forgave the other two, the pictures is a far lesser crime.

He can do what he likes because there's no consequences for him. You'll still stay with him.

Instead of looking at him, start looking at you. Why are you staying with a man who doesn't really want to be with you?
What are you getting from this?
What you are children getting from living in a house where their parents don't love, trust or respect each other?

@Owlet99 I'd just be prepared for him to leave, maybe not now, maybe further down the line. You want to stay with him, and that's absolutely your choice, but don't let yourself end up blindsided and struggling financially if he goes back to her (or leaves for someone else).

I didn’t know about the ONS at the time. I found out about both together. I take your point but it is easy to say objectively. It may seem like a small thing but I am trying to gauge how big a deal it is when we had seemingly come so far.

You haven’t come so far op. He is a cheating untrustworthy liar. He will always be this.

You are throwing away the best years of your life chasing a rainbow when you could be with someone that genuinely adores and loves you. Whilst you fritter away what’s left of your life looking over your shoulder, and wasting your vitality on a waste of space. That’s going to be your biggest hurdle in the future, profound regret.

Listen, you’re very confused and understandably so. In order to be as helpful as possible I’m going to break this down very clearly for you. Sometimes, that means tough love. Your husband is a liar and a cheat. He had a year long affair with another woman. He only split up with her because he got caught and he staying because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy who ruined his marriage and split up the family because he wanted to fuck a woman who wasn’t his wife. He never wanted to stop. He would probably go back to her if he felt he could and he may still do that. He’s clearly not over her as he’s looking her up online and then lying to you about it. This shows he is still lying about her. He doesn’t really want to be with you. He just doesn’t want to be the bad guy and he doesn’t want to have to deal with divorce, splitting the marital assets and paying child support. He’d much rather have the image of a good family man, (which is another lie) and a wife to provide him with free childcare and household labour. You’re his maid and childcare. If he loved you, he would have blocked her. Why hasn’t he done that? Because he wants to go back to her and to keep that door open. He may still be communicating with her and you don’t know about it. They may be plotting to run away together when your kids are older. Who knows what is going on. The best thing you can do is accept that he doesn’t love you and he’d rather be with her. Go to see a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and then tell him that YOU don’t want to be with HIM because he’s a liar and can’t be trusted. Then build your life back up and be happy. There are no reasons or ponderings as to why. He wants her. He doesn’t want you. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Start taking back control of your life and stop pinning all your future hopes and security on a man who has proven he cannot be trusted.

This is sensible. It’s what I did. Two years in and a I had a nose at exh msgs - he was still contacting her, albeit 3-4 times a year and she was saying to him to pretend she’s dead and not contact again. And before I split with him he was still sending the occasional late night email, A ONS may be forgiven but there’s real feelings with a long term affair.

Im sorry you’re in this position. It really does hurt, but it doesn’t hurt forever,

Your main concern seems to be if he will leave you still. I honestly think you need to consider why you want him to stay.

Are your reasons financial? Is it for childcare? I can understand the practicalities of separation are daunting. But don’t stay because you love him. He has treated your love like it was nothing but an anchor around his neck. His actions now may be minor in comparison to his larger betrayals but it’s the same pattern of behaviour.

You want to hear stories of people who have come out the other side of an affair and made it work but the majority of people who initially stay together end up breaking up and wish they had done it sooner. The few that make it through are because of the work the cheater puts in which leaves their OH in no doubt of their feelings and accepts any insecurities are their fault. Your husband would not have looked up her SM continuously if he had truly regretted what he did and even if he had he would have realised what a HUGE impact that would have on you when you found out and have done everything he could to make you feel secure again. Is he doing that?

I would ask him to move out and separate for at least six months. In that time concentrate on yourself and picture your life without him. Tell him to do the same. If at the end of the six months you both realise you want to be together then you can move forward knowing you chose each other. If either one of you decides they are better alone/ with someone else then at least you won’t have wasted any more time.