Still pining after OW?

[Owlet99]

DH and I have been together around 15 years, married for 8 of those, now early 40s with 1 DC primary school age.

I discovered DH was having an affair around 3.5 years ago. That one had lasted nearly a year. But he also confessed to a ONS before we even got married. Said we couldn’t move forward unless he was ‘completely honest’.

I don’t want to make this too long but I was absolutely blindsided, not ok for a long time. Ultimately we tried to reconcile for DC.

It has not been easy. I was convinced he would leave me for over 1.5 years afterwards, and I know it seems like he should have been the one worried about me leaving but honestly I was all over the place, not strong enough.

Anyway, found out recently he has been looking at the OW’s socials. No communication. Just looking at her picture / posts. Three and half years later. I am in shock, this amount of time on and I honestly thought she would be a distant memory by now. What am I supposed to do or think? Just idle curiosity or was he completely downplaying how he felt about her to me?
Trying to gauge how worth it it is bringing it up because he will just minimise it won’t he? But it suggests to me he is still thinking of her and am honestly just devastated.

I know the standard advice is to just leave but I have been through hell trying to make this work for so long and I felt we were on the right track. Or am I just delaying the inevitable and ultimately he won’t be able to stay away from her, or anyone else for that matter…

I would have hoped he would given the work he has supposedly put in trying to rebuild this. I can cope with the truth and not the lying. I don’t know how much clearer I can make that to him. He seems to think he is protecting me. And as long as I don’t know and he is staying it doesn’t matter if he still loves her or not!

I think this is a very thoughtful response.

It is taking seriously the OP's effort and intention to stay with her husband, and trying to see the complexity of this sort of situation. I don't know if it is right in this case, but certainly worth considering and taking on board if you don't want to end the marriage.

Not yet

This
it was a happy time for them and had to end suddenly. Like any relationship that’s had to end like that.
That is separate to the hurt and damage, they think of those things on their relationship with their wife/husband.

You really think he would after all this time? 😕

I would be tight about giving your DH the benefit of the doubt given the circumstances, however, I often look people up on social media (when I remember them) to see what they’re up to these days.

It’s usually old school friends but I have also done this probably every couple of years with my childhood ex. I harbour no romantic feelings towards him whatsoever it’s simply curiosity. I don’t do this with other ex’s because I still have them on social media so no need to. I assume DH would raise an eyebrow if he saw it in my search log 😂

Anyway, my point is that it could be a relatively innocent behaviour. Given his history with cheating/lying though that’s possibly less likely.

Yes. I really think he would. I think given the opportunity he will. Why isn’t she blocked on all platforms?

Is it not different if it wasn’t an ‘ex’ though? Like they didn’t end things and then he got together with me. It’s not the same.

I think it's unrealistic to think he'd want to forget about it, I'm afraid. He had serious feelings for her and the only reason he had to stop the affair was that you found out, not because anything had gone wrong with his relationship with her. Being forced to end a relationship not through your own choice is not likely to cause you to stop having feelings for that person.

She is his ex

Not in the sense that they ended and then we met. Their relationship was during our marriage. If I hadn’t found out it probably wouldn’t have ended. Normally with exes the relationship came to a conclusion for other reasons. This didn’t. So that’s why it feels different and is why it is more worrying to me than if he were looking up a ‘normal’ ex, which I actually would not be as worried about at all.

He didn't end things with her because they didn't work out, it finished because you found out. Very different.

And if you finding out had given him a eake up call and he'd really thrown everything in to his marriage then that would be great but he hasn't.

There's no trust, no fidelity, no honesty.... I really don't see what's the draw in still continuing this marriage. Is it just fear of being alone? You don't really mention love or commitment or friendship or sex between you.

All this time? I really don’t think three years is that much in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes you can never get that someone out of your head. Time is irrelevant.

Maybe not… I guess maybe if he was going to make a move he would have done by now.

I would sit down with him and tell him that if he still pines after her then he better leave. That you can only continue your marriage if he is fully in. You need to know he is in your marriage free-willingly not because he got found out.

How did your conversation conclude? Are you going to broach the subject again? I don't think you should brush it under the carpet - it's a good opportunity to discuss the feelings and emotions involved on both sides. I think you're handling the situation well and tbf it doesn't sound like he reacted badly or defensively

Does it matter ?

You clearly won't leave him however badly he behaves. I fail to see why it matters what he does. Cheat, not cheat, it doesn't seem to affect your decision making anyway.

Get some self respect and kick him out. You deserve so much better in life. I’m so sorry. 💐

Oh mate. Leave him

This is unkind. Op is clearly in a very difficult situation and blaming her doesn’t help her at all.
I think you need a further conversation with him op, because what he is saying makes no sense.
For what is worth op, I’ve been where you are and it’s bloody awful. He didn’t have an affair but he massively, massively crossed the line, it was brutal. We are 4 years out, he’s had a fuck ton of therapy and he has spent everyday since showing me how he has changed. He dropped her like a sack of shit though when I found out and if I felt he was still pining for her, I don’t think I could stay…..

It's the lying, isn't it. The lying for an easy life. I mean I sometimes lie ti my DH about trivial things (like the route I drove back from the gym) just to get out of a tedious conversation: "I told you there were roadworks there!" etc.

But you told him specifically in relation to this you needed absolute honesty. And he has forgotten/doesn't want to face up to the implications and have more hard conversations/ doesn't want to rock the boat.

Well buster, your wife generously agreed to stay despite your horrifically shitty behaviour. You don't get to avoid hard conversations and still stay married.

I think you need at the very least some more couples therpy, but also therapy of your own to really explore what will work best for you

You have stated that your husband had an affair for a year, and if you hadn't found out, it would more than likely still be ongoing. I think that statement tells you all you need to know, in all honesty. It was more than just sex, emotions were involved and real feelings. Your husband has stayed because he doesn't want to be a 50% Dad, he doesn't want the messiness of a divorce or family/friends finding out that the break-up of his family is due to his behaviour. So he's stayed and is making a token effort at 'repairing' his marriage. If he's having periods of looking up the OW on social media, then yes, she's on his mind. It's not idle curiosity. You only get one crack at life, please don't waste years on this man. He's there because he feels he should be, not because he wants to be, and that's the key here.

You had hoped he would be faithful when you married. .
If a persons behaviours are working for “them “ they feel no need to change them.
People who love and have empathy do . People who lie and cheat and are selfish and put themselves first won’t change though.

I don’t feel your “d”h is the person you think he is op.

What don't you respect yourself? Do you honestly think this is healthy? Is it you think it is a game and you need to 'win him'? It all sounds sordid

No one knows what is going on in his head except him.

But there are many men who have affairs who then stay in the marriage temporarily because of the dc. Then when the dc are a bit older, they leave anyway. By this point, dc are old enough to not need constant hands on parenting. Easier to have every other weekend and half the holidays.

Maybe it is time for you to both question this marriage is what you really both want.