Still pining after OW?

[Owlet99]

DH and I have been together around 15 years, married for 8 of those, now early 40s with 1 DC primary school age.

I discovered DH was having an affair around 3.5 years ago. That one had lasted nearly a year. But he also confessed to a ONS before we even got married. Said we couldn’t move forward unless he was ‘completely honest’.

I don’t want to make this too long but I was absolutely blindsided, not ok for a long time. Ultimately we tried to reconcile for DC.

It has not been easy. I was convinced he would leave me for over 1.5 years afterwards, and I know it seems like he should have been the one worried about me leaving but honestly I was all over the place, not strong enough.

Anyway, found out recently he has been looking at the OW’s socials. No communication. Just looking at her picture / posts. Three and half years later. I am in shock, this amount of time on and I honestly thought she would be a distant memory by now. What am I supposed to do or think? Just idle curiosity or was he completely downplaying how he felt about her to me?
Trying to gauge how worth it it is bringing it up because he will just minimise it won’t he? But it suggests to me he is still thinking of her and am honestly just devastated.

I know the standard advice is to just leave but I have been through hell trying to make this work for so long and I felt we were on the right track. Or am I just delaying the inevitable and ultimately he won’t be able to stay away from her, or anyone else for that matter…

That particular picture may not be sexual but his sexual thoughts of her may be related back when he looks at her picture . Yes

People don’t tend to have affairs lightly, of course they look up the OW / OM on social media long after the affair finishes.

The only time I have ever looked at an ex’s social media is when I still have feelings for them.

I have never looked at an ex’s profile after 6months.

He’s obviously thinking about her.

If it was just a one off then it may have been mild curiosity but any more than that then I’d definitely say he still pines for her.

It doesn’t mean he’s going to act on it but if he saw that she was single I wouldn’t trust him to not reach out to her.

Maybe she's found some other bloke and got engaged and he's heard about it, so looked out of curiosity.

I know that's being glass half full. But just for balance, I looked up my ex the other day because a friend of mine said she'd seen him and he was totally bald now and looked awful. So I had a nose on the socials. And he does. That's that.

It seems as though she is single so far as I can tell and he has done it more than once 😕

Do you know if OW is attached or not OP? Is it clear from her SM? It makes no difference in the great scheme of things I just wonder if she’s available or not & if she would have wanted things to continued with him /or prepared to leave her partner for him. Again I cldnt get over a year long affair - maybe a ONS maybe but the deceit of doing that for a year & putting you & your DC through that wld make me lose all respect. Plus the betrayal of my intimacy with him. Have you ever wavered in your resolve to make it work?Has he put the same effort in that you have if you’re honest? Are you still intimate physically? Sorry so many questions but all relevant I think. With kindness though.

Sorry just read your update.

I’m going to sound like I’m taking his side, and I’m not.

He obviously is thinking about her at some level, or thinking about how nice that relationship in a bubble was, all intense, and he gets to feel good about himself.

And then he had to go through a breakup but wasn’t allowed to openly feel anything about it. And he probably at some level thinks- yes I did wrong, but I gave that up for my wife and kids, and everyone still thinks I’m a fucking shit!

If he was serious about her, then breaking up would have been as painful for him as any other breakup.

Your best bet is to ask a question without losing the rag when he answers truthfully: do you regret staying? Was it painful to break up? Do you miss her, or the times you had together? I’m sorry that the nice times you had with her weren’t with me.

There are a hundred different opening questions to bring that relationship down off it’s pedestal to subject it to a bit of sunlight.
At the end of the day, be incredulous that she wasted her time playing second fiddle to you.

My view is that letting express what he feels, and letting him hear your feelings to is the best chance to strengthen your marriage.
If you have got this far, you are over the worst of it.

The only thing shocking about this is that you’re shocked..

I agree with a PP who says he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even respect you, Come on OP, this whole thing is ridiculous

If he looked once I would say possible curiosity (still not ok). If he looks regularly then it’s unfinished business, she’s the one who got away etc. He’s doing “the right thing” and staying with you but his feelings are elsewhere.

Sadly I think I agree, especially as it’s been so long as well.
feel like a prize idiot.

Realistically, a year long affair means feelings were involved - probably deep ones. If it ended because you found out or for fear you would and not because he stopped having feelings for her, then it’s likely he will have grieved that for a long while

You say they don't generally come into contact through work, as far as you know.
Does that mean she works for the same company/ organisation OP?
With respect you have absolutely no idea what contact he has with her- he managed to conduct an affair and must have lied to you successfully multiple times.
And yes if it was a sexual and emotional affair which he has supposed to have broken off when it was found out he very likely does still have feelings for her and hanker after her.
I'm sorry OP but I don't see how you can live like this. Firstly how can you trust a man who cheated on you with at least two other women. And secondly tolerate him only giving her up because he was found out, not because his feelings and desire for her fizzled out naturally.

No they don’t work in the same company but the same industry, little to no opportunity for them to naturally cross paths.

and yes that’s what I’m worried about, that he never lost feelings for her and only stopped seeing her because he felt forced…

Oh op, why are you putting up with this? (Money and life style?) He has no respect for you at all, none. He’ll keep doing this, while talking shit to you about how he won’t.. You deserve more than this, you really do, please believe that and Find Your Anger about his behaviour and treatment of you.

Honestly. You have one life. Do you want to spend it wondering if your partner loves you or whether he has feelings for someone else. Have some pride. Tell him to bugger off and enjoy your single life.

I don’t know to be honest 😞

“I have been through Hell trying to make this work.”
3.5 years, OP, and you are sad.
Imagine if you put all the effort in to make yourself happy, how good your life might be in another 3.5 years.
How do you think you will feel if you stay with your husband in 3.5 years? Will you magically find happiness after what he has put you through?
Will you ever feel easy, relaxed and loved?
what about your self esteem? How much are you worth to you? You deserve to be happy.

I’ve read it takes 3-5 years to get over the betrayal of an affair. So long as the betrayer is genuinely remorseful and making amends to be open and transparent and there’s good communication.

I think what PP have said rings true - he didn’t end things of his own violation- he was caught out and made the socially acceptable choice: does it feel like he’s playing a part when you’re out as a couple (like it’s for show?) or does it feel real? I ask as my ex did something similar. He still had feelings. He just didn’t realise I was biding my time and waiting to leave.

I hope I’m wrong and it was just curiosity.

What pine after their old APs? Why? Given the hurt and the damage of it all I would want to erase it from my memory. I wish I could…!

But it wasn’t hurtful and damaging for him. It was a positive experience and something he did more than once. Your pain is simply an inconvenience and will not be a deterrent to it happening again.

The truth is people enjoy affairs.

If it was serious and a long term thing then yes he probably does miss her. The same as with any ex where things ended suddenly… there’s a sense of unfinished business. Though my guess would be that they have seen eachother since the last time you know of. People are sneaky.

This is the best advice on here. None of us know what's going on in his head and it will give you a clearer idea of where your relationship is going.

Thanks you all for your thoughts and advice.

I couldn’t keep it to myself so I asked him in a general way if he ever still thought of her, didn’t accuse him of anything, and he just said not at all. I said was he not even curious as to what she was doing etc. and again he said no.

So then I said, well I can see from your search history etc you have been looking her up. And then of course all the usual about it just being curiosity despite denying anything of the sort minutes earlier. ‘Didn’t want to upset you or for you think it meant anything because it doesn’t’. Blah blah blah.

I said I knew he had done it in the past and it’s been several years now and he said it was ‘natural for her to cross his mind from time to time’ but the history shows he has been looking consistently each time, like it looks like a few nights in a row?

so yeah. I guess he is still lying isn’t he.

@Owlet99 sorry to day but think of it another way . He has no reason to tell the truth does he ?