Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

It’s pretty standard to be offered parenting classes when a child is struggling. The reason they’re struggling doesn’t seem to matter much.

In my experience, it's men in general who bugger off and leave the wife with the children.

One of our neighbours came out as gay after fathering three children. His baffled MIL explained: "He lined the bairns up and told them 'I never had a time to dance!' Then he pointed at each of the bairns and said 'And YOU and YOU and YOU will have to look after yourselves from now on!'"

No doubt, he'd suffered by concealing his sexuality...but behaving as though his children were a burden?

At least once that type of feckless father has gone, the mother no longer has the stress of trying to keep him happy.

It was pretty standard at our state owned nursery and school for children displaying atypical behaviour to be offered them.

Also it's the first thing offered to parents asking for help because they are struggling with an aspect of their child's behaviour. My town offers loads of SEN specific courses too.

OP is clearly trying to be the best parent she could to her DS.

Sorry that was in reply to the person asking why were you offered parenting courses 🙄

Your H is a shallow, egomaniacal snob who is never going to accept or love a child he sees as defective. He was willing to have a child, so long as that child also functioned as an accessory for him - going to the right schools, being socially and academically successful. Your DS isn’t that child, so he’s been rejected.

Your H’s attitude isn’t going to change. It’s likely to get worse, now that he’s crossed the line and voiced the fact that he doesn’t want him. Either you split up, get CMS organised and pay for some support as a single parent, or you settle in for years of misery watching this man metaphorically thumping your child like a broken telly and destroying his mental health - and yours.

@CarterBeatsTheDeviland then those women left to cope (we can’t just throw up our hands and say we can’t) are vilified as lazy, benefit scroungers, unable to control their child, no wonder her marriage broke down etc.

@Vinvertebrate my heart goes out to you. We are further down the road in that our DC (ASD, PDA) is older, but also destructive, aggressive, suicidal and self harming. We live in a constant state of fear and anxiety.
Our marriage exists in name only but we both recognise that splitting up would be harmful to DC sense of security and DH knows that leaving me with DC would be handing me the really shitty end of a shitty stick.
We have both said things we regret to DC and to each other in anger or despair, but we also know that DC outcomes would be 10x worse in care or without us. At the end of the day, we are DC parents and we cannot abdicate that responsibility.
There's no perfect solution, no respite and sadly very little support out there.

@Willyoujustbequiet you're so right. The horrible thing is you cannot force anything in terms of involvement or support. You can pursue financial support, which is a must. Shame may work. If DH has a job, he has some reputation on some level, total abandonment might not look good for him. I wonder if he could very delicately be reminded when shit hits the fan.

We have a SEN crisis in schools atm with thousands of children like this, come Secondary school, either refusing to go to school, out of education, being disciplined out of places.

OP will be dealing with this alone and it will impact her earning potential if it becomes unworkable in his educational setting by secondary.

This guy wants out. And blaming OP is setting the scene to make that easier to do.

He might stick around if OP continues with taking everything on. But that's not a life for her.

If there's a third party involved on an ongoing basis - a psychiatrist or counsellor who communicates with you and DH, this might bring in a third party to shame him into being involved on some level if you're apart.

The house will be calmer without him tbh. But you'll need respite OP. You'll need someone else to help you.

You sound like an amazing person for writing this so well given the circumstances you are in. Your child has a brilliant mother. Agree with previous poster above, however. He donated the sperm, regardless of whether or not he now says he wanted to. You cannot negatively impact your future because he thinks he now suddenly has a choice.

As PP's have said, the parenting courses were run by an autism charity to which the LA refers parents of ND DC before spending any actual cash. In our area, you also get referred to a SW during the EHCP process, but there have never been any concerns raised about my actual parenting of DS, to be clear.

It’s appalling he expects you to cope virtually full time with DS. What if you wanted to walk away. If he does walk away I’d be very open with friends and family.
My mind has gone to Dylan Freeman case, where a mum killed her son who had autism and significant needs. His father was a ‘celebrity’ photographer working abroad. I was always struck by father’s tribute - we’d had some lovely trips in past. No recognition of the boy’s significant needs and the 24/7 care mum had solely been providing for years with no respite.

I am recovering from surgery myself. I cannot believe how cruel your dh is being to throw this at you while you are still in pain and recovery. Unbelievably cruel.

I’m so sorry OP. Like you, I do the lion’s share of arrangements and care for our ND child. Like you, I’ve been out of action for medical reasons recently and my OH has had to pick up the slack. It’s not been easy and (as you said) it’s had a negative impact on our child’s behaviour.

but for your husband to turn around and want out (& to blame you for your child’s behaviour) is disgusting. It sounds like he’s struggled to deal with the idea of having an ND child (editing school photos etc) in principle and now he’s had a taste of the patience and parenting approach your child needs while you’re ill, he’s shown his true colours.

unless he’s prepared to go into some sort of therapy himself to come to terms with how he’s feeling and possibly reframe his thinking, I think you need to separate to keep him from doing more damage to your son.

@sprigatito 'thumping DS like a broken telly' is so accurate, thank you.

@Cakeandusername yes, I think I remember that case - it happened during lockdown iirc, because we were still mid-diagnosis for DS. The boy's mother seemed to have been left to cope without her usual services and support network, and the father was "devastated" from an exotic location a gazillion miles away.

Thank you for all the replies.

If DH is high earner you are in needing shit hot lawyer territory. Is working ft for you going to be feasible as he gets older - school holidays there’s often no care, school placements at secondary can break down. If dh isn’t providing 50/50 care then you’ll need respite funding.

He does have a choice. Many guys will completely disappear. He wants OP to make it easier and ok for him to do such. Or to lie down and be his battering ram if he decides to stay.

He can and many do just walk away. It's parenting in circumstances most people don't understand. One therefore justifies leaving. Men mostly.

Sometimes things get so bad these kids end up in a system such as care or some residential facility. This is the sad and tragic reality.

There's no support for this situation. Respite non existent. Accessing that might help OP and her relationship significantly. You cannot get it!

Completely leaving her to it, not ok. But he can.

Yes, DH is a high earner but a lot of his earnings go to a limited company so it won't be straightforward. Luckily, DS' specialist school goes up to age 18 so that at least is sorted. I really, really hope I can continue to work FT because it keeps me at least partially sane. I work for a company that (deliberately being vague) provides essentials to very poorly children and it gives me a great deal of satisfaction. I have no plans to retire and live off DH, but I also need to work on the assumption that DS will need lifetime support that cannot be provided entirely by me, financially or otherwise.

@Vinvertebrate much sympathy - I’ve got a dc with similar although less severe profile,
and it does sound irredeemable here but is it possible you are both utterly depressed and both of you need to reset your work-life balance? We both do work ft but we have a huge amount of flexibility and we did massively reset things in favour of family life about 5 years back.

of course something absolutely has to totally change here…

OP I’m so sorry, why some men think they have an opt-out option is appalling. You say
have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

why isn’t he supporting more, could he feel emotionally detached from you both?

Would you feel confident seeking legal advice to discuss how financially he might be compelled to support? Including how accessible his earnings would be to the child maintenance service? And don't tell him.

I can't stress how terribly some will behave, how they might justify it to themselves so that they can just dump you and run.

The school set up is fantastic and will save a world of future stress. With clarity as to how much financial support you can get, this situation might be significantly easier and better for you without him OP.

6 years old son with ADHD. Similar experience. I am considering divorce. I am the only one who can protect my kids. My eyes opened when after incident at school I was in a really bad mental state and teacher was trying to help me, he said he was sure that I'm a single mum . It says everything. I am single, in marriage. Have to cope with my son and "soothe "my husband because he is tired, etc. I cannot do it anymore...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I haven't read all the posts, but I just want to offer you the perspective of someone who's been in your shoes. My DS was similarly violent to my exH at around the same age and for the same reasons.

ExH ended up moving out and stopping almost all contact with our DC. He hardly saw them at all during the pandemic and now just sees them one night a fortnight (one DC doesn't go at all).

DS is now 16 and life is so, so much better without exH in the picture. DS copes with life amazingly well, and it became clear really quickly that his clashes with exH caused a lot of the behaviour and stress.

What I'm trying to say is that leaving can be a good solution for everyone, particularly the DC. Life without a parent is better than life with a parent that undermines and criticises you all the time. My DC mental health is so much better now.

I know people like your DH. They make poor fathers whatever the difficulties are with their children. I don't think he'll completely abandon you and your DS though, at least not financially, if only because of the public embarrassment he could face.

I'm glad your son is at a school where he's happy and it's until he's 18. I've seen so many instances of the lack of support when kids move to secondary having detrimental effects.

@Vinvertebrate the point I was fishing around for, too, is, it’s all very well saying work is restful, sanity bringing, and I can get that my work is a source of calm and reward to me, but I still need downtime for myself. And I wonder if you’ve both overlooked that…

You jointly agreed to have a child and no child comes with guarantees. Any child or partner could become disabled at anytime. That’s what he signed up to.

My exH left, initially amicably but he then stopped doing his share caring or contributing financially and went back to living a life as though he had no dc. I hadn’t expected that. He then started to say he had never wanted dc and only had them to make me happy. I think he feels guilty for resenting DS (ASC/LD) and walking away and it’s easier to blame me that admit how selfish and lazy he is.

Probably your DH wants to leave and go back to his old life but he’s a coward and it’s easier to make it your fault than admit what he’s doing.

Practically I suggest you contact social care and insist on an assessment tell them what has happened and you fear being a single parent. You will get respite if they think the alternative is family breakdown or you being unable to carry on caring. I got a totally different reaction as a single parent needing emergency help than when we were a couple. They will assume your dh will help out and that will be your respite so you have to explain you don’t think they will do much if anything at all. They can put an emergency package in place. They have seen this before and are used to men walking away from their disabled kids

Financially go on CMS and benefit calculators and try scenarios - you may not be that much worse off going parttime (except for pension). I’ve only managed to work because of a really supportive employer and social care providing help in holidays. You have to be realistic even if it feels grossly unfair to be the one who has to make all the sacrifices.

On a positive note DS has got easier as he’s older and parenting is easier without conflict with another parent. It’s physically tiring being on your own but less stressful than trying to play referee. DS is happy and we live a small life that fits around him. Being DS carer feels less daunting than even a few years ago - they do grow up and develop even if it takes longer. It won’t always be this hard especially if you can find strategies that work and have good quality education and support. Ultimately it’s DH loss as he’s missed out on close relationships with his amazing kids.

You will need legal advice from someone specialising in disabled kids there are claims you / your child can make against his assets and for extended maintenance and the court will take the disability needs and your future contribution into account.