Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

Hear hear!
Also a mum of 9 year old child with ASD, pda and adhd. Life is so so hard

If your child is assaulting people this is something that needs to be dealt with. I can understand your DH feeling awful if his child has assaulted him. I don't understand how you seem to be underestimating this. As a pp says what happens when he is 15 and the size of an adult and goes round attacking people.

I don't think autism can be used as a reason to excuse/accept violence.

I work in a tourist attraction and last week a young man visited with his mother and grandmother He was early 20s. He started screaming and shouting and was wild. Other visitors were clearly scared as he was getting violent. He went into the cafe and started throwing glasses around, hitting an elderly couple. When they were approached they said 'oh he's autistic' as though that is an acceptable reason for violence and scaring people. It is not. Of course, people understand but if you know your adult child is going to kick off and be violent to people then it is your responsibility to remove them from the environment.

@Readingismyfirstlove it's a tricky one because violence tends to be based in stress and anxiety. It's just hard to find sympathy on the receiving end after time. I've never been physically hurt ever by my child. However, the emotional regulation issues and constant explosiveness is alot to deal with. Hitting me too would send me over right now myself. It is not easily solved however.

Finding some happy medium where you support the kids but also protect yourself and also have some expectations on them to find ways to regulate. This is the challenge. The kids don't tend to just quietly plot to punch anyone. It's the fallout of what's called a meltdown. That isn't the same as a tantrum.

It's why I feel there is a place for medication - to address the stress and anxiety and hopefully the subsequent violence. Fluoxitene is often suggested here.

I’ve never suggested that autism is an excuse for violence. I’ve actually written the exact opposite on this thread. But neither is it appropriate to yell at an emotionally dysregulated child whom you know lacks the impulse control not to react.

DS is not a remote-controlled toy whose emotions I can just adjust at will. I assure you that no conventional parenting methods or punishments have mysteriously eluded me - I’ve tried ‘em all. He’s still occasionally violent. He’s also a child, whose emotional development is probably equivalent to a 5 year old.

@Vinvertebrate so true. It is entirely a lottery as to whether there will be meltdowns leading to violence. It has nothing to do with being good enough as a parent or not doing enough. It's a lottery and I agree entirely with your post.

People think a bit of discipline solves this. Or a bit more low demand. It is a situation you cannot determine and you're powerless to how the genetic hand has been dealt! Imo the level of violence is not anything to do with the parents.

Have you ever seen the excellent BBC documentary about mums dealing with highly violent autistic children? It's very triggering but there are other mothers dealing with the struggles which I found comforting to watch. I felt my situation was mild watching it.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. My DS has autism, dyspraxia and is on the pathway for an ADHD diagnosis. It’s bloody hard, and there are many times where I think to myself “I can’t do this anymore”. But I do, I carry on, because that’s what a parent who loves their child does. They don’t just decide to opt out because it’s too hard, like your charming DH seems to think he can do. Even if he only said it out of anger, I still think this would be the end of the relationship for
me. Those things he has said can’t be taken back
or forgotten.

I don't think autism can be used as a reason to excuse/accept violence.

Nobody should tolerate violence from any one, however autism isn't an excuse. It's a reason, along with ADHD which inhibits impulse control, emotional dysregulation, sensory sensitivities, and PDA which isn't just a fancy term for wanting their own way it's a genuine nervous system response where a person perceives external and internal demands as threats to their autonomy which leads to a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response.

Imagine you're 9 and you have these conditions but your dad thinks that if he just keeps coming down on you lack a sack of spuds you'll do as you're told even though a lot of your behaviours are down to an inability to regulate impulse, seek dopamine, sensory seek and find autonomy to a degree that it is disabling. You're either going to double down on the behaviours that got you into this position because you need further regulation or you will fight, you will flee, you'll dissociate or you will become overly and detrimentally people pleasing.

OPs DS behaviour was a reaction to the environment he was in with which he had NO autonomy to leave. He has no power against an adult who offers no choices and no patience.

In the example you've given that's absolutely appalling but in both scenarios prevention is the key.

Not placing these people in vulnerable positions where they have no other option but to lash out is not acceptable and is not an appropriate level of care from their caregivers.

So you thought the same and thats ok, but because OP husband has expressed his feelings that is wrong?

What a wonderful insightful post 🙏

Our autistic child was violent to us when younger (including that age). I participated in a university study for families in that position. It's not unusual but there is a taboo about discussing it.

She did gradually grow out of it but we have to parent differently.

I am sorry about your DH.

@BoredZelda I love your post. I missed this somehow.

I share many thoughts and feelings that the husband has expressed. Certain unpleasant emotions are simply human responses to such a situation.I think there always space to forgive this, to validate it tbh.

I struggle with cowardly behaviour that involves abandoning and dumping another parent and in turn the child. But I also understand the desire to run away.

I agree it isn't actually vile. It's human. Whether the father is inherently incapable of any empathy is a matter we can't discern but OP herself knows if there's hope there beyond this initial expression he's demonstrated.

Yes. Because that isn't exactly what he said, was it? He said it was her fault, that he'd never wanted a child, and that he was done. Whilst also not testing their disabled child appropriately.

I don't think your examples are sergeant-major parenting at all! I would regard myself as more at the low demand end and I still aim to equip DD with strategies to manage life rather than letting her opt out entirely. Like you, within the limits of what she can cope with - and understanding that it might take multiple attempts before a strategy is successful and reassuring her that we can leave it for now and try again another time.

Sergeant parenting would be shouting at your DS to pull himself together, it's not him that's in trouble in the first example or trying to force him to have "one bite or no playstation" in the second.

But it is his son too

It's completely standard for working parents. Don't beat yourself up about it.

All I can say is hats off to you for working full time a d doing all of the other stuff that goes with having a SEND child. I crack if I work more than 15 hours a week and then deal with my kids' paperwork, appointments etc

I'm sorry your DH has been an absolute shit. Blaming you! How dare he!

It is not you. Absolutely not! We do have to parent our SEND kids differently, especially PDAers!

You will cope alone as it sounds like you're doing most of it all ne anyway. Just make sure you take your 'd'h to the cleaners!

Before separating maybe your DH could try some therapy and possibly couples therapy too? Having a child with SEN is a huge thing not to be underestimated and I sense you have coped and accepted your DS where your husband hasn’t. I understand the grief of what could have been and understand it might be hard to accept that your normal will look different.

Im not excusing your DH but wonder if he would benefit from some self reflection - which ultimately would benefit DS too.

What strikes me the most that your DH has of all times chosen when you are so vulnerable recovering from your operation. That in itself is so wrong.

I do have empathy and understanding. For @Vinvertebrate

Sounds very much like your DH had plans for his offspring that he now thinks will never come to fruition. Whether that was a high flying career, trips to the football, going for a pint with his adult son, grandchildren one day.
I think he’s probably seeing his friends’ kids at the prep school gearing up for the teenage years, exams, talk of future study, travel, careers etc while he feels left behind because he probably thinks he’ll never have these things.

I’m not sure he’s the villain that people are making him out to be (though on the face of it, what he said was terrible). Sounds like he’s hit the end of his rope. I think maybe he needs therapy to help him accept how his life turned out. Whilst your son has been diagnosed for 6 years, the passage of time doesn’t necessarily make someone accept it.

@NC28 no and from my own experience the differences in the outcomes for children become more apparent and less easy to excuse or deny the older they get.

FFS. As has been stated Numerous Times on this thread - feeling overwhelmed and hopeless is a very understandable reaction to raising a high needs disabled child. Even expressing those feelings is relatable.

What is NOT ok is sticking your head in the sand and ignoring the diagnosis, refusing to engage in any of the processes around amending your parenting, expectations or fighting to access support. To leave ALL of that to your wife then have the Fucking Audacity to blame HER for your child's issues, whilst she's already vulnerable and recovering from surgery.

It's really not that hard to see that, surely??

Post OP for your wife isn’t a great time for this but I wonder if it’s because OP’s DH hasn’t been able to defer to OP and has had to face facts a bit dealing with his son independently whilst OP recovers. It sounds like, generally, OP does the lions share of parenting so maybe her DH has been avoiding reality and now it’s hit home hard.

I wish I had words of wisdom.

You sound like an amazing mum @Vinvertebrate . I think you have no choice but to divorce. My now ex h treated one of our children differently when we were married and hasn't spoken to them for months. If I'd know what had gone on when married, and how he'd be after the split, I'd have left him years ago and parented alone.

I'm sorry to say many autistic adult males (not all) find their world comes crashing down when they have kids. The partnership cannot be sustained once children arrive.

No quiet time, no space to focus on special interests, constant noise and demands on their time, endless chatter and mundanity. They can't focus on themselves anymore.

OP you could pop over the ND/NT relationship threads - not sure what number we are on now but it's full to the brim of this sort of stuff. So many threads. So many broken-hearted women who are coping all alone because their DH's are in complete denial and literally have zero interest in their kids or being parents to them.

Refusal to help, refusal to see a problem, endless criticism of the female partner's approach. Many of us have developed autoimmune diseases. It's a very stressful situation to be in because you can't blame them for what they are and how they behave and yet it has a huge impact on your life, mental and physical health.

There are occasional sex reversals of this scenario I'm describing but it's mostly male ND and female NT.