Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

It's normal to hope for the best.

I wish our society provided better support and respite for parents of ND children.

If you are a parent of a child with a disability there’s a twee poem called Welcome to Holland that does the rounds.
Gist is you plan your trip to Italy, imagine the food and sightseeing and end up in Holland.
I’d suspect your dh had little contact with children and suddenly in his 40s it becomes a possibility and he thinks ok. Thoughts like I’ll have a photo on my desk like colleagues, he can go to prep school like x’s children, we can go to rugby together or whatever.
Then DS is here and he’s just distanced himself completely opting out any engagement with medical professionals, school etc - ‘I’m far too busy at work’ and very little hands on parenting and probably none when mum not there or hasn’t prepared everything.
If he’s not prepared to have counselling and engage with professionals then I think you and DS would be better off alone.
https://www.emilyperlkingsley.com/welcome-to-holland

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this shit situation. It's very clear you love your son and your dh is a bastard. Has he Even considered what would happen if you felt the same way? Would he be happy for his ds to be in care? Or would that look bad to his friends and colleagues? This way he can just say your relationship didn't work out but I would make sure they knew the real reason. I am livid on behalf of you and your son.

How many mothers just throw their hands in the air, say they can't do it anymore and just bugger off?

He's a parent. He needs to act like one

Working together helps both of them. He hasn't done that

No wonder DS socked him in the face. I am usually against violence, but I think your DH deserved it. Who knows, things might get a little bit better if he goes and you're left with only having to deal with one child.

Well said.

I'd say many of us relate to the feelings and emotions he's expressing.

That needs to be separated from the unacceptable behaviour which involves blaming, obvious expressions of shame and other cowardly conduct.

And the mums tend not to do the cowardly stuff.

I really hate to even admit that I agree with posters when they suggest he is one of those who sees the partner and children as accessories. The son is not an accessory to show off to peers or to further conflate the exterior image.

There's almost a significant absence of empathy in any capacity it feels like. I don't know if this is a common man thing, a certain type of Autistic male thing. I don't know what it is. I have limited dealings with men because of such awful experiences involving no empathy in any capacity imaginable from those in my sphere. They include one sociopathic male sibling who is NT. An ex who I realise is ND and a teen male PDA.

@Cakeandusername is that awful poem still around? There is an alternative called Welcome to Beirut. Can’t find a link right now but much more accurate ime

Why do men find it harder than women generally ? And does that mean they shouldn't have to deal with it?

My dd is 19 now. It seemed everyone and his dog sent it me!

Could your DH access any counselling to come to terms with DS disabilities? He sounds like he isn’t understanding him at all well and expects you to be responsible for everything. He needs some compassion. It’s also a bit late to say he didn’t want a kid 9 years later 🙄

would he watch Atypical on Netflix? I gained so much awareness from that show.

It’s okay to find it difficult. It’s okay to be frustrated. But he’s a fucking adult and that is not okay. You’re already doing it all anyway, what’s the difference if he does leave. I would suggest you park
your own feelings of abandonment and get rid of this waste of space.

Thanks @Davros . I've just read it having never heard of it before. The Holland one makes me cry. Cry with guilt and shame for my human feelings, for the pain I feel on behalf of a child who I don't think feels the pain as much as I do. I much prefer the Beirut version.

is that awful poem still around?

Yep. And decades later it’s still as bad as it was the first time I heard it.

Because society has much lower parenting standards for men? Because women usually cope.
If this DH walks away he’ll still be seen as a good chap because he’ll pay maintenance and take DS to McDonalds once a fortnight. Child will be with his mum.
If Mum was walking away realistically this little boy would end up in residential care as dad can’t cope. The judgement would be horrible - she’s abandoned him and put him in a home.

@Wishyouwerehere50 I hope you’re okay 💐

I am so sorry for what you are going through. In a similar position here with a nd 9year old, caring responsibilities although I'm a single parent. My relationship broke down with ex before DS was 2 - im glad it did as the challenges around neurodiversity would certainly have broken us later - he believes DS is fine, tells him off for things he can't help eg impulsivity, being disorganised and offers helpful nuggets like he needs to be more responsible and do things for himself as he's getting older. I've given up trying to get him to understand DS. Sorry i don't really have any advice just wanted you to know you are not alone

The man has just been punched in the face, he likely feeling overwhelmed and upset. I don’t think people realise how difficult it is to care for a disabled child. Lets have some empathy and understanding.

I am sure lots of parents have had these thoughts, maybe a understanding conversation would help OP once your DH has calmed down?

I want to raise DS with DH as a family because that’s DS’ best chance of stability and maximum support, it’s his “normal”.

No, it's not. Your husband doesn't support his son, he tries to make him obey him, and that's not the same thing. Your son's father doesn't want him and is ashamed of him. Why else did he crop the school logo out of the photo?

It will be interesting to see whether your son's behaviour improves once his father leaves. Whether it does or not, you need to find a way to redirect your son's violence towards something else (punchbag?) because when he reaches puberty, he will be able to put you in hospital.

Get as much money out of the selfish bastard as you can.

Lets have some empathy and understanding.

How about we have some empathy and understanding for the mother who is still recovering from surgery and the child who didn't ask to be born disabled?

You and your son will be much happier just the two of you in a nice safe calm environment.

Agreed @BoredZelda ’s post was fantastic. Really moved me.

OP this is not in anyway excusing your DH and what he has said but could it be that he feels you are his safe space and the only person who understands how difficult it is and so is offloading his feelings to you? Or do you think he is serious and shirking his responsibilities?

I have neurodiverse kids and sometimes I just want to tell someone how hard and tiring and shit it can be, but I don’t have anyone who I can say ‘I wish I could just up and leave’ to who would understand and realise it’s not something I truly want to do or even mean it’s just that it’s been relentless and I need a break.

I agree with others in that you DH needs to pull his weight with the professionals involved with your son and then maybe he would have a better understanding of why your son does what he does. If people have little or limited understanding they don’t really get it and make sweeping remarks and generalisations.

If he is serious about leaving (or indeed if you want him to after the way he has been) then that’s his loss and there is nothing you can do, but make sure in whatever way you can that you get a break and don’t default to being the one and only full time parent. Whether that’s respite or your DH sharing the parenting albeit it will be a smaller share.

Kids with SEN are challenging but you can clearly see the good side of your son and enjoy him while it seems your husband cannot.

It sounds like you are a lone parent and DH is an agitator. He isn’t dealing with it well and needs to go away at this stage and gets some space.