Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

Hello your relationship with your DS sound lovely.

Nephew and others have various ND needs.

We have seen the fab dads and the dads that just can't cope.

Taking the school logo of a photograph is ALL on him and his perceptions.
Some of my gang its the dads singing the schools praises to everyone. If he thinks it hurt to be smacked on the nose just now, wait until he is 15...

Poor kid has a lot on his plate, deliberately poured drinks over table is different from dyspraxia spillage

One thing that we do - especially when hormones started was asked is he /she being a di*k or is it their autism/adah etc
being a brat we dealt with appropriately and if it was them being them again was worked round.

In what possible way is it harder for men? Most of them aren't even the primary carer for their children.
Not saying men don't find it hard but certainly not harder for them than anyone else.

Things sound really rough, but that doesn’t mean he can ‘opt’ out of being a parent, regardless if he was originally less keen to have a child than you, because you do have one so I assume he came around to the idea.
I have two NT children and 1 ND child, they all miss the toilet, spill things, break things, we joke that our ND one is actually a baby elephant is disguise because he is so clumsy and heavy footed.
Reading your posts makes me so sad for you and your son, instead of his Dad being proud of all the things he does accomplish, he sounds disappointed and ashamed of who his son is and that is a heavy burden for a child to carry.
I would be asking him to leave, having someone around your child, who feels the way your husband does is not healthy. Perhaps he should seek some help and talk through things with someone. A friend with a disabled child once said to me that she loved her child so much but initially she grieved for the child that she had imagined she would have, not because she wished not to have hers but that everyone as soon as they found out they are expecting plan what that life may be like and her life wasn’t as she had imagined.
Far better to be on your own if you can manage then with someone who wishes themselves not to be there, surround yourself with supportive, caring people who accept your little family for who you are.

Mentally and emotionally, their behaviour demonstrates, they can't handle it.

And I have no concrete explanation. Is it a choice, because they can, because society says they can? Or is it biological?

If DH is also ND, which I'd say he is, he's going to find this difficult to manage in other ways. I know this because I've lived this experience and on various support groups this scenario OP describes is almost formulaic. ( The guys turn out to be ND and they can't handle this situation).

I was going to say pretty much the same thing. My DH does try to step up fully if I'm ill, in hospital or away. But because he doesn't deal with all the layered complexities, or think in the way that is constantly calculating those layered complexities, he finds it very quickly overwhelming whilst also thinking he can quickly instil his own different sort of order rather than letting the kids just be. Not in a bad way, he just doesn't read them the same way as I do. Then he begs me never to go away again! It's a hell of a thing your DH just said to you, but that must have been a horrible scary end to his badly handled situation. I think I'd be terrified if one of my kids hit me. So on one hand, if you've never had an inking of this before, I think he has struggled badly while you've been in hospital. On the other, only he can tell you if he wants to try and make it better with classes/therapy/all the other good advise for help.

Re low demand vs sergeant parenting: this is a debate DH and I have often. IMO, low demand is the easy/lazy route: of course there is no conflict but you are basically accepting that your child will never be part of society! OFC we should distinguish between things that they will never be able to do and the ones that, with training, they could achieve.
Random example: my child is upset if he hears me telling off his (NT) sibling. I’m teaching him that if this happens he needs to remove himself from the situation. He now manages to do it most times, previously when he didn’t he reacted by physically attacked me. DH solution is to not tell off his sibling when he is around: but that basically means that one day he will be in a public space and will hear a telling off and will attack a stranger - and if he is over 18 at this point chances are the police will be called. My point is: better to give him the chance to learn how to react to these situation, at least he has a chance of being part of society. Or do we avoid difficult situations - we get an easy life but don’t give him a chance?
I’m not saying ignore his SN, but try to teach him how to cope, to the limit of what he is able to of course.
Other ex, he is disgusted by a specific food. I never ever force him to eat it, but I have successfully taught him strategies to cope if people are eating it next to him. DH’s solution was to never have it at home. At least thanks to my ‘sergeant’ methods he can eat with his peers at school when this food is served.

@SinkToTheBottomWithYou you make an excellent point ref low demand and sergeant major. Being able to get through and live an independent life on some level, that means adjusting in ways that are incredibly difficult but necessary. The world won't be low demand ever.

Why would you say that? It’s perfectly normal to find this kind of living situation highly stressful.

I couldn’t do it - it’s why I had only one child because I didn’t want to chance my luck. Having an autistic child who is severely affected by their condition is not something everyone can deal with. It doesn’t make you autistic yourself. My brother has an autistic child. He’s suicidal because he just cannot cope with it, and there’s no escape (the mother does barely anything so he’s the main parent).

I think with the right support OP your husband might be able to find a way to cope with things. If not, perhaps you’re better off going it alone with your son. Only you can know that, but it’s worth exploring options to help your husband. It definitely sounds like he’s not accepted the situation and it’s very sad what he did with the school photos. That’s heartbreaking.

I am really sorry to sound as negative as I'm about to but your 'D'H has quite calmly and clearly told you that he pretty much blames you for foisting a child he didn't particularly want on him in the first place (you did say you wanted one more than him, so he will have convinced himself that it was all your idea by now) and, even worse (as far as he is concerned), it's a child with 'problems' and he is blaming a good chunk of them on your parenting.

Men leave children that they very much wanted at the time every single day and are quite happy seeing them EOW or so and leaving the rest of the tricky parenting stuff to their exes. No matter the rights or wrongs of it, no matter how indignant we all get at the idea he is going to stroll off and leave you with a young autistic child, that is what, sooner or later, he's going to do and he's told you as much.

If I were you I would start the MN ducks in row routine and start to think about planning your life as a single parent. It may not happen any time particularly soon but if he thinks it's hard when your DS is relatively small and 9 years old, when puberty hits and he's the size of a buffalo, he is going to like it even less and (and this is such a sad thing to write) I don't think he has your back or that you can rely on him. I hope I'm wrong though.

@SCWS The inheritance rate is significant. I read this week it's estimated at 90%. It's helpful to therefore look at the parents as it's likely at least one is ND. When dad's struggle with acceptance and go to blame, it always makes me suspicious they're ND. We see this formulaic pattern on multiple support groups.

I have nothing but compassion for your brother and his family.
What I believe pushes people to feeling suicidal in this situation is actually the societal structures, or lack thereof. The school situation, systemic gaslighting, parents told they're imagining it, no access to assessments or even help after, a benefit bashing society. It compounds an already horrific situation for many.

Thank you - I was honestly wondering if I was going to be flamed.
So difficult to know if, as parent of SN kids, we are doing the right thing. I’m lucky that DH and I had a solid 10y relationship before having children, we often fight about how to handle DS but we both know the other is genuinely trying their best.

Because there is a strong heritability. Often an autistic child will have at least one parent displaying autistic traits. As is the case in my own family. OP states she is NT but did not say the same about her DH. If he had autistic traits this might explain his response. I hope that explains things.

Thank you. I appreciate the love. ❤️

Goodness, you’re going through so much, OP 💐 I’ve only read your updates, not other comments, but has your DH attended the pediatrician’s appointments during which your son’s diagnosis is discussed? If not, it sounds as if he really needs to, because hearing the diagnosis from a medical professional will demonstrate that your son’s behavior is nothing to do with how you’re bringing him up. Your DH needs to accept this and also learn how to manage DS’s behavior. It’s a joint responsibility, not just yours.

Regardless of what happens with your family unit, please ask him to attend any upcoming appointments - he’s far too disengaged atm, even if he doesn’t mean to be.

It a luxury for the non primary parent of a SN child whose primary carer is also dealing with the increased x 100 admin to reach the end of their tether - how short is it - and to do so when the primary carer is recovering from surgery? Are they stupid or incompetent or did they escalate to make you come to the rescue (whilst blaming you)?

Either way their behaviour has caused a whole lot of upset and rather than apologising they are threatening to leave to cause more upset.

His practical and emotional contribution is negative in that he escalates and makes you feel bad and your child feel bad. Life will be so much calmer for you both without him.

All else is good. Your DC is happy and settled in SS. To your credit you work f/t and still deal with SN admin and still find time to care for a family member. You will be fine. Even better without negativity. Just need to sort out finances for the future to enable you to continue to support your child. Don’t be heartbroken for DS.

I thought DS1 would be sad if we separated and stayed too long. The reality for him living too long with someone who didn’t understand his needs and provoked him to meltdown means he is now no contact with his dad and has been for 5 years now.

DH just doesn’t have the resilience or strength of character to cope. But he won’t admit it. He will try to blame your child or you. And he’s shown how low he will go to protect his ego. Best to let him go and present him with the bill as he leaves.

That’s not true in all cases. I know four families with autistic children (some severely) and all parents are NT.

There's a lot going on here but the issues are all your 'D' H's. Cropping out the school logo, blaming you for your DS's behaviour and thinking he can just ru away and throw some money over his shoulder are all vile and cowardly ways to behave.
I do think in many ways you might be better off without him. Although I know it would be shatteringly hard too.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I genuinely feel your DH maybe adding to your DS's outbursts,etc. as children are duper sensitive and pickup underlying sentiments well.
The real shit here is that your DH feels like he can just jump the boat because "he never really wanted this". He would do the same if you didn't have a child but say you had major health issue ( god forbid) and became not very presentable compared to his colleagues wives,and so on. Not a good copilot in a longer term.

Sounds like a very difficult situation.

You say he wasn't very keen to conceive; did you discuss what your coping strategies would be if your child turned out to have special needs? What did he say to that, before the fact?

There's obviously a LOT to unpack which PP have dealt with but has DH spent much time or effort learning about autism?
Could he do with reading some third party material / talking to a professional to help him understand?
As blaming your parenting suggests that he does not understand or want to understand the neurobiological basis of autism that is driving your DS's symptoms. If he understood it properly that should really stop him from thinking he can hassle DS out of his dyspraxic symptoms. What happened with DH hectoring DS to the point of him hitting out at his dad sounds avoidable. He needs to get that the kid processes things differently.

That’s absolutely heartbreaking. Our son is mid 20’s now, diagnosed just before his 3rd birthday. He is severely autistic with SLD and was also diagnosed with epilepsy at 14 He’s non verbal and incredibly hard work. His needs have trumped else’s for over 20 years. It’s been really really hard but honestly it makes me love him and want to protect him more. My husband as well. Nobody knows what the future holds but I can guarantee there will be education and funding battles in the future. You need support going forward and if your husband has already checked out and you’re having to worry shout him too it’s going to be much harder.

Thank you - I was honestly wondering if I was going to be flamed

I think your choice of words regarding low demand being the easy/lazy route was unfortunate. But perhaps you just meant your husband is lazy if he uses this approach and it wasn’t meant by you as a generalisation and a criticism of other parents who may use the approach after deciding it’s what’s best for their child.

And the sargeant approach to parenting? I’ve no idea what that even is but truth be told I’ve never kept up with labels or followed any particular approach to parenting my son so who knows what I’ve been doing over the decades. It worked though whatever it was.

@TheHerboriste we didn’t exactly discuss coping strategies, but DH did express concern that DS would be autistic or disabled. I put that down to our age and tbh I myself have reminded prospective older mums on MN that the risk increases with age (although I understand the hereditary link is the most important factor).

If he’d said “if DS is autistic, I’ll be off and you’ll be a single parent” then I might have thought twice about having IVF. The honest truth is that I just didn’t expect DS to be autistic. I was fizzing with happiness and gratitude that PIGD for my condition had been “invented” in the nick of time fertility-wise, that I’d found the IVF a doddle and was pregnant first cycle. Plainly all common sense left me at that point, and I take responsibility for dismissing DH’s concerns in such a flippant way.

Completely agree, my side of the family has a lot of what we call ‘neuro spicy’ individuals, who have great lives now that they are out of education etc and allowed to be themselves. One was diagnosed with ADHD in their 30’s, they were labelled naughty and disruptive at school.
I was not surprised at all to have one child diagnosed with Autism, he displays a lot of similar traits to myself. I understand him much more than my husband does who struggles more with him when there is an issue.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I genuinely feel your DH maybe adding to your DS's outbursts,etc. as children are duper sensitive and pickup underlying sentiments well

I agree with you. The lad will without a doubt know how his father feels about him. He’ll feel it without even knowing what the words for it are. It’s a horrendous situation for him to be in.