Could I ever turn my life around at 50?

[Floatingindefinitely]

I have made some unfortunate decisions, and have no excuse, since I had a fantastic early life with many privileges.
I need to preface this by saying yes, I am an asshole.

I met my DP in my mid 30's (after many years travelling, studying and losing my first husband) and didn't want to re-marry as had not planned to have children. I managed to set up a small 'cottage industry' type business and did well until I had a major surgery 7 years ago. I am in great health now, but my work took a good whack, and has never quite recovered. So we floated along in this way, frugally, until I realised that he probably didn't really want to fully commit to a lifelong domestic arrangement (which I definitely wanted) that would forge us a good life together into the future.

Long story short, he sold the house he had inherited to set up a business. It would seem he had no interest in making a life with me. We had lived together there for many years, and like I said, I just cruised along. I was happy to pay my way and invest in the house but he always refused. What looked like generosity turned out to be something a bit more cynical.
Now we rent and the relationship is in tatters. His business is doing great, and I am left flat. I accept full responsibility for my own actions and whilst saddened by his lack of commitment, am resolved to move forward and make a new life.

But I am terrified!
I have around 16K in savings, from my business, which was originally much higher, and was supposed to be a pension. I now have to move out and begin from scratch. I am happy to try to recover my work but do wish to go into a new field, and can not afford to study. I am fine starting small, at the bottom, and would love to get into something connected to preservation/tourism/nature. This is a dream that I would love to work towards.

Is this at all possible? Am I dead in the water?
I am 50, have sod all transferable skills, am entirely alone as most of my family have died, and will have to face the current rental market. I am a naturally optimistic person, intelligent, educated, but am just paralysed. I am finding it hard to just search for a place and make that move. Who would let to me in this situation????

Since we are separated (technically) now, I am officially unemployed although still recovering earnings in bits and bats. I am living on my savings.

I know that I am lucky to have my savings, but accept that a good amount will drop, but I have no choice. I do not want to continue this relationship.
Every day and month that ticks by I wake up in terror, so afraid to do something about it, but knowing I am wasting my life and savings in this situation. I do not wish to settle here and would need to move away as I don't like the area.

Any advice or encouragement? I need an enormous injection of confidence as I feel with that, I could move mountains. But I am so, so paralysed and confused.

Most women my age are married with kids, or home owners, and I feel like a bit of an outlier .

My first thought is for you to look for positions with accommodation included ie hospitality, house sitting or housekeeping or property guardian etc, this would save you money on rent and could also give you an income.

also justo say that I am also 50, no kids and not married.

Thank you. I would do this, as am not too proud to get stuck in.
But I feel that such work would be aimed at teens, perhaps, so am not sure. Could possibly seek some careers advice?

It looks crazy in many ways since I earned a very good living for most of my life, and worked with people from across the globe - but honestly at this point I just want to start afresh and don't mind how I begin.

I am just so stumped and paralysed, and months go by as I waste my time and money.

I fear you have sleepwalked into this situation. I am not sure why you call yourself an asshole. Your DP did a number on you calculatingly (not allowing you to gain equity in the house) but you have possibly stayed too long on auto-pilot.

At this point, you have to be practical. Unless you have friends or family you can stay with or someone prepared to subsidise you, you have to think about how you are going to have a roof over your head and pay for food and bills. Hence, you do not have the luxury to get into your dream job but should work on recovering your previous business.

I particularly like @Touty 's suggestion of being a property guardian.

I'm thinking once you move out and away from exdp you wil come out of the fog. You will have more clarity and sense of direction and confidence.

This is an amazing opportunity to explore and even do something quite radical and exciting.

It sounds like you're not tied to a particular area so look at different areas on right move for an idea of rental prices.

What about a van and travel around a bit until you find somewhere you want to live.

You could use your savings to put up 6 months rent in advance.

Not everyone owns their own property, we are long term renters and at this point wonder if to prioritise pensions or travelling and experiences whilst we can!

Thanks, I am very much certain that once away, I will thrive. The interim is what scares me and renders me stuck.

I think that I would charge through life and make something, meet people, march ahead. I just can't seem to make that initial move.

I loathe myself for that and can't forgive my inertia.

What exactly is a property guardian, and would they accept a woman of 50?

My only work experience is writing articles for a hiking mag (in my 20's) and running a small business selling antique books and art. Not exactly transferable stuff!

Not what you'd call an entrepreneur!

OP do one thing per day. You must leave as it is his house and you need to get clear of him.
Tell yourself each day that you can spend time on introspection and self blame ONLY after you have done a property search and/or looked at job boards.

You do have skills and I bet your communication skills are great.

Please push past your ideas about age. I'm 51 and have 2 DS just become single Mum and debts and how on earth will I get a rental when this house sells? Etc. but I will make it work because I always have and so will you.

Entry level job ideas with an eye to accommodation:

Pet sitting/house sitting

Live in domestic staff like housekeeper

Private schools and colleges hire house matron type roles to look after their boarders

Live in companion/carer - scheme here:

twogenerations.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwwLO_BhB2EiwAx2e-3zFPWWjqUXmmjAb-YLdzjfzN7BJ8ZxkuVnFkr-cwbk1T4FjLe_FU1hoCp_AQAvD_BwE

Lots of families advertising for live in carers

Other hospitality - hotels/resorts/pubs

There'll be something, but it won't come to you at home.

KOKO

‘I need to preface this by saying yes, I am an asshole‘. This really made me laugh.

You’re still healthy and have no ties so yes, you can do this. EMBRACE IT! Change is so scary but this really does sound like a wonderful new beginning for you. Come back in a year and update us on how things moved forward for you please.

Thank you for recent comments, I know that if I can get the first ball moving I will thrive.
I have never sat around idle, and have always achieved what I want when i strive for it.

I have just made some silly choices and put my eggs in a bad basket.

Appreciate the advice, thank you:)

OP do you have to stay in the UK? You could afford northern Thailand for a while while you recoup and think about life. You need 16k in the bank to get a visa and stay but you could stay shorter term in a digital nomad location, shared villa facilities and fab wi-fi and job hut form somewhere beautiful. Google digital nomad hotels and villas.

They have them in Thailand, Bali etc and it’s a shared place, about £1k a month and the food and living costs are low, pack a laptop get blogging and look for work from there.

You won’t be alone either you’ll be surrounded by people who travel and have opportunities for you.

You say you lost your 1st husband. What happened. I think you may have drifted into your current situation due to this

Your negativity about yourself is holding you back. You call yourself names and say you have no transferable skills but you have earned good money from a successful business and have had an education. It’s a cliche but try to treat yourself as if you were your own best friend.

The National Trust sometimes have live in positions in some of their properties, and The Lady magazine also has a 'small ads' page advertising for live in personal assistants or housekeeping positions.. from your posts it seems you are not tied to a particular part of the country, which is a positive, and also no responsibilities for anyone else - another plus point.

I think you would really benefit from some therapy. Even just 10 sessions with a psychotherapist or psychologist. Lots do concession rates for people not working.

With your savings you could pay 6 months rent upfront. Where in the country would you enjoy living?

You May be able to access some benefits and some back to work training schemes.

Imagine yourself in your own cute flat, seeing a therapist, doing some career exploration, maybe with a temp job of some kind for now while you work out what's next.

if you've run your own business, you can do this.

yes! go for it! I can tell you....there will be plenty of us on here thinking "bloody hell, I wish I was able to pack up and go with 16k in the bank!"

I met a women on a train who travelled the world being a house/ dog sitter. She was about 60, in good health and loved exploring these new places from a comfortable environment. She built up a great reputation with the sitter agency so always got first dibs of new places. She said that she was an older lady worked for her as she was seen as reliable. Could you do something like this? Live low cost somewhere inspiring while you study and plan what you want to do next?

I retrained and started a new career at 50 - & I wasn’t the only one (age range in my starting cohort 18 - older than I was).

Something I have kept my eye on is training in a role I can continue to do as I get older. So nothing too physical. Aspects of my current job will be hard in 10 years because some of it is very physical but I will be able to work for myself using the same skills/qualifications without any issues at all until I die/become too unwell to work at all. I could also make decent money in a few days if I worked for myself rather than the full time hours I do now (there are many other reasons I work).

I was a carer for many years with very few hours to earn so have a very limited pension. Looking for something I could do when old was a key consideration for me.

I am mid 50’s and out of my group of 6 friends, only one is married with children. So please stop thinking everyone is sorted because they are not.
There were two heartbreaking threads on here before Christmas, in mid life with very long marriages. Both husbands had upped and left with no warning. The devastation was horrific. Women who’d stayed at home, brought up the kids, feeling like their lives were over.
You are an asshole? Firstly, stop talking about yourself that way. You aren’t at all.
You have no transferable skills after running your own business? Buying and selling stock, promoting, accounts. There is a whole list there and also interacting with customers.
I lost a good friend recently, a very sudden death. Now that’s a lady with no chance of starting again.
You have a chance and you should grab it.
The relationship you are in is dragging you down. It’s time to leave it.
There is a whole world out there. You may have to start small in something that’s not your dream job, but you never know. You can still have hopes and dreams at 50, and only you can make them happen.

OP I had to start over in my mid 40s (but with two dependent children which restricted me in terms of options/spare time etc). I totally agree about confidence being key. I went on a short trip to somewhere quite unusual and hard to reach (plus it was Covid) and that really helped me.

In your shoes I would look at Workaway. Instead of planning your whole new life, plan the next month. Go on a trip and have an adventure, then use that confidence and new perspective to decide what to do next.

Good luck and I know you’ll soon be thriving.

16k is the threshold for receiving benefits, so I would apply rather than continuing to spend your savings.

Your income may not exclude you from getting UC, if it's not much.

Gosh, how on earth have you never been properly employed? Did you literally leave school and go travelling? I am a similar age and have been working freelance in the last few years, but my employment history is pretty solid and stretches back to 1996! You say that you ‘cruised along’ in recent years, what did that look like each day?

But, what’s done is done…so now you need to properly roll your sleeves up and build a different life. I think the options are:

A live-in job in a large rural hotel. I think this is probably a good option as you will have accommodation and plenty of opportunities to earn more via extra shifts and tips. Look on Mumsnet for the places that people go to for luxury weekends away, that’s the kind of establishment you want!

Looking at live-in jobs in The Lady or similar, as mentioned above. Could you invest some of your savings in a cookery course? I think most councils will fund a basic food hygiene course.

Properly re-starting your business, today, in the most profitable market that you can access and stringing out your current living situation until it is up and running. There was an interesting BBC Sounds You and Yours podcast on people buying and selling collectibles - some of it sounded quite lucrative.

Would your current partner fund a deposit and six months rent for you as a kind of separation agreement?

Be aware that even in unskilled jobs you will be competing against people who are much younger and have more energy/stamina. Take a good look at your appearance and fitness - would it help to cut and dye your hair? Change your style of clothing?

Look into accommodation or social housing for the over fifty-five market.

Putting aside all thoughts of working with sustainability or nature. Unfortunately you can’t really afford this due to the time that you have wasted in years gone by, plus there will be twenty-somethings coming out with relevant degrees and experience. Volunteer on your days off?

I wouldn’t go as far as calling you names, but I do think that you might need to honestly reflect on your attitude towards work and money over the years (why on earth didn’t you work when you were young?) and whether or not you have any ‘luxury beliefs’ that you might need to shed ASAP. Unfortunately you simply cannot afford them anymore.

All of these are great suggestions, @Floatingindefinitely and it sounds like your previous/current business is something you could continue alongside some kind of live-in work. I too noted how down you are on yourself. Relationships like this are so damaging to your self esteem. I think you're feeling understandably daunted by the prospect of taking the first steps, but once you start to move, you will be fine. You sound really capable; you've just lost your confidence.

You could start here https://liveinguardians.com/locations/england-property-guardians

Re property guardians, absolutely they would want a lady in their 50s. Think about it this way, imagine you have an empty property that you need to look lived in and cared for and kept safe. Who would you choose? A young person who has probably never run a home and might be prone to throwing parties, or someone middle aged who is mature, responsible and knows how to care for a property?

In terms of finding a rental, could you use a chunk of your savings to pay for 6 months rent up front? That will make you more attractive to landlords and buy you a bit of breathing room whilst you get established in a new job. You should also be able to claim some benefits.

I think you're really underselling yourself. You must have plenty of transferable skills from running your business. Engaging with customers and suppliers, logistics, processing orders, marketing etc.

Have a look at apprenticeships in areas of interest. They're not just for young people and organisations are frankly much more likely to take a chance on someone via an apprenticeship because they are less expensive to employ. The pay won't be great, but usually jumps after a year, and you have the savings to see you through that first part.