Could I ever turn my life around at 50?

[Floatingindefinitely]

I have made some unfortunate decisions, and have no excuse, since I had a fantastic early life with many privileges.
I need to preface this by saying yes, I am an asshole.

I met my DP in my mid 30's (after many years travelling, studying and losing my first husband) and didn't want to re-marry as had not planned to have children. I managed to set up a small 'cottage industry' type business and did well until I had a major surgery 7 years ago. I am in great health now, but my work took a good whack, and has never quite recovered. So we floated along in this way, frugally, until I realised that he probably didn't really want to fully commit to a lifelong domestic arrangement (which I definitely wanted) that would forge us a good life together into the future.

Long story short, he sold the house he had inherited to set up a business. It would seem he had no interest in making a life with me. We had lived together there for many years, and like I said, I just cruised along. I was happy to pay my way and invest in the house but he always refused. What looked like generosity turned out to be something a bit more cynical.
Now we rent and the relationship is in tatters. His business is doing great, and I am left flat. I accept full responsibility for my own actions and whilst saddened by his lack of commitment, am resolved to move forward and make a new life.

But I am terrified!
I have around 16K in savings, from my business, which was originally much higher, and was supposed to be a pension. I now have to move out and begin from scratch. I am happy to try to recover my work but do wish to go into a new field, and can not afford to study. I am fine starting small, at the bottom, and would love to get into something connected to preservation/tourism/nature. This is a dream that I would love to work towards.

Is this at all possible? Am I dead in the water?
I am 50, have sod all transferable skills, am entirely alone as most of my family have died, and will have to face the current rental market. I am a naturally optimistic person, intelligent, educated, but am just paralysed. I am finding it hard to just search for a place and make that move. Who would let to me in this situation????

Since we are separated (technically) now, I am officially unemployed although still recovering earnings in bits and bats. I am living on my savings.

I know that I am lucky to have my savings, but accept that a good amount will drop, but I have no choice. I do not want to continue this relationship.
Every day and month that ticks by I wake up in terror, so afraid to do something about it, but knowing I am wasting my life and savings in this situation. I do not wish to settle here and would need to move away as I don't like the area.

Any advice or encouragement? I need an enormous injection of confidence as I feel with that, I could move mountains. But I am so, so paralysed and confused.

Most women my age are married with kids, or home owners, and I feel like a bit of an outlier .

Some of those jobs in ‘The Lady’, it’s like another world! 😁

Enough with the self flagellation, please!
It comes across as having a negative mindset and attitude, and it's absolutely not helping you.

The skills you outlined are very much transferrable, but you need to stop seeing them in the narrow scope of your own experience.

You can write, and you can sell. Those skills can be applied to all manner of subjects.

A job in a museum, action house or art gallery might be something worth pursuing?

The main thing is to defeat the inertia, and that can be tricky.

Rome wasn't built in a day, as the saying goes, so take small steps.
Make a list of two or three things that you must do a day, and do them.
No procrastination, no excuses.
Allow yourself small treats for jobs well done.
One foot in front of the other, slowly but surely.

May the road rise up to meet you.

Join the Love Her Wild Facebook group. There are sometimes work opportunities shared there with accommodation included, things like housekeeping for hiking hostels etc. Also a great place to ask other women with an interest in conservation/tourism/nature for ideas and inspiration.

Yes, the driving is an issue, it would be ideal to approach that first, but would mean sticking around here and finding work to fund that (with the intent to leave later). I worry how long that might take though.

ExDP has less savings than I, he couldn't really help financially, but he is currently paying the full rent, so that is very decent of him since he has not asked me to leave, knowing that I am in a precarious situation.
He would absolutely help in any way. I have insisted that he lets me pay half of the rent but he won't have it. I helped him out enormously many years ago so I imagine he thinks it's fair for the time being.
But it isn't sustainable, obviously. I just feel redundant.

Thank you, this does help:)

I would love to do that type of work. You are right, my confidence is on the floor at the moment due to this situation, which feels as if it is chipping what remained away, bit by bit.
I was/am generally quite industrious and optimistic, and would love to reconnect with that more confident self once more.

I think that I am currently struggling with what to do first.
I need a home, and would be happy to pay up front to secure a tenancy, but would only be able to find work once settled.
I fear approaching that and being refused.

I also have the option to remain here and possibly find temporary work to learn to drive first.

I will be having a good think.

Writing here has helped me so much, as I did not realise just how heavy this burden had become. It is like letting out a huge sigh just to get it off my chest.
Facing the problem is scary, but it is helping.

You need a job first & foremost & as you haven't yet worked out your living arrangement I'd look for something remote. Not well paid but this sort of thing might interest you, doesn't look to need specific qualifications and are remote (albeit one is region specific).
Campaigns & Movement Building Coordinators (Internships) | People & Planet | CharityJob
Community Engagement Officer, North 12 months FTC | The Churches Conservation Trust | CharityJob

Get your CV done this week & look into benefits / job seeker help. Sort out/create/update your LinkedIn profile. register with recruitment consultants and start applying for jobs - it could take a while but any interview or job application writing is a start. I actually think getting out into the workplace doing anything would really help your confidence so why not consider some temping/working in a shop just to get you out there and bring some money in.

Sadly at this point in my life I have no idea how to create a contemporary CV. The last time I needed one was so very long ago. Need to sort this asap, thanks.

OP, very kindly, you have access to the internet, so you can google. You seem to have time on your hands, find that mojo and get your CV out there. Baby steps, but it starts with taking initiative. The first step is the hardest so force yourself to take it. Then it gets easier and easier as things build a momentum of their own.

I was struck by one of your earlier posts where you asked what is a property guardian. Again, google is your friend. Start doing research on some of the suggestions on here. Make notes by topic of the things you are exploring and keep adding to them.

As another poster said, stop the self-flagellation. The first one was 'I am an asshole'. Why say that when you clearly are not? Is there any reason you are inviting people to beat you down. It seems almost like a self-defence for being paralysed. I think you have to force a shift in your mindset. You are worthy.

Be practical and get moving. If you want something, you have to go and get it.

Good luck. You got this.

I’m not remotely into ‘manifestation’ or whatever they call it, but I do think that you could benefit from some simple daily affirmations or confidence statements.

‘I am taking steps towards a job and a new life’

At the moment your energy seems rather diminished and low key. Try to get in the habit of projecting certainty rather than hesitation.

You need to project: ‘Yes, I am a woman with life experience and ready to become your new receptionist/live-in companion/administrator.’

I would like to set you a challenge for this week: pick one job from a site like Indeed, any job, and apply for it. This doesn’t commit you to that job (and to be realistic, you are probably not going to get it on a first application) but going through the process will really take you forward.

Good luck.

Have you looked at work away? Lots of options. How about the Highlands, working 4 hours a day and using time to write again. You could get an electric bike to travel around while you learn to drive.

Here are the UK options

https://www.workaway.info/en/hostlist?hidden=&showMoreOptions=0&search=&lang=en&workawayer_capacity=0&languages=&date_start=&date_end=&min_stay=&host_rating=0&country=GB&region=&gnid=332&lat=&lon=&ct=&savedSearchId=&previousSavedSearchId=&distance=

Go and book yourself into an Airbnb OP in a pleasant reasonably priced place for 6 weeks - put your stuff in storeage- - ideally choose somewhere non touristy to keep costs down , but not depressing- Then go thoroughly through all the kind of options people have posted on here - get on the mega bus for peanuts and go to different places too to get a feel for them - stay in travel lodges - give yourself the headspace to look at what’s out there with a clear head and a positive mindset- you are feeling frozen because of the position he has put you in - the guys an arse - but you can pull it all round but I think you need to put yourself somewhere else for a few weeks to be able to think sideways. You have some mega positives, you are clearly intelligent, healthy, no ties, open minded, not looking for a £100k a year job. I doubt very much you are an arse!!!

OP, did you get a chance to do this? It's a really good suggestion. Also to sign on so that your National Insurance payments are covered from now on. This is important so that you can get a state pension in due course. Here is the link to check: https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

You’re saying ‘50’ like it’s 80. I think if I was you I’d get a job ANY job to secure some income then start to think about your dream career. My son has a first in Ecology and Conservation and cannot find a job in that sector, it’s tough with few opportunities. Not being a Debbie Downer but getting some regular income is key IMO . How about moving away and house sharing short term? Just until you find your feet and an area you like

Exactly, practicality is key right now.

There is nothing remotely offensive in pointing out that the OP will be competing with twenty-somethings with relevant degrees, because that is simply the fact of the matter. Mathematically, more than half the people in the workforce will be younger than the OP. Probably far more than half because of the ongoing presence of younger workers who came via the EU (when that was an option) and other routes.

But there will be a job out there that is suitable for her and she now needs to take steps (even if they are small steps at first) in order to find it.

I was going to suggest youth hostel warden as a leg up, then you mentioned hiking... Sounds ideal and many are historic properties.

Personally I'd look at teaching - very common to start this career later in life and you have your English degree which is ideal. You could look at teaching in further education or even getting a TEFL - i have friends who did this and done it in Japan and China where housing was included in their package.

Also the option of a PGCE and going into primary/ secondary

You could have a good 15 years ahead of you and time to save for a pension etc.

OP, I'm excited for you! What a great opportunity to press Refresh and launch the next chapter.
So many amazing ideas on this thread. I second the advice of doing one or two things a day - start with checking pension record as a quick win - and more as you feel capable.
This time next year come back and tell us about how great it's all going!

Oh I would love to report back in a year with good news!

Had not noticed new comments, all appreciated, nothing Debbie Downer about them at all, I need to be as mindful as possible to all practicalities.

I did go away for 2 months late last year, it was a much needed space to think, and I did travel around the north a fair bit (I do love it up there). However, it is really expensive to do so, and I became aware of dwindling funds, and along with endless train strikes, how disadvantaged I had become by not driving..... on the up-side, I am quite physically fit! It's tricky.

Got a lot to think about, and will be creating a checklist for the more urgent things this coming week. I am happy to get any job that i can at least tolerate to begin with. I am also aware that starting small can bring future changes, whereas if I remain still my life will only stagnate in that time.

Agree with the PP who mentioned my ex's attitude. He is lovely in many ways, but his head is in the sand. He seemed to become less and less focused on a future together as time went by, which doesn't bode well with me since I think we ought to be making more secure plans to protect ourselves at our age.

All excellent idea in this thread, I do feel a heck of a lot more focused and less paralysed. Bringing it out into the open has been a good thing.

You could consider an apprenticeship? For example the national trust has apprenticeship schemes aimed at becoming a ranger or estate manager. While many people applying will be young, there is no age limit and organisations often quite like more mature applicants who are clear what they want.

agree with others the driving will significantly hold you back. So I would use the time you are searching to learn to drive in any way you can.

The live in roles sound great with no tire and will give you time to reflect while earning. You sound great and just need to do the first step. Maybe buy the mag thr lady and go for a short stint and see how you like it. Could you volunteer at somewhere weekends for a bit ?

@Floatingindefinitely seriously lovely you may get a completely new lease of life in something different - it doesn’t feel like it now, but long term I think he may have done you a favour- and yes he is a total selfish fuckwit not to have given a single shit about what position he has put you in. Best revenge is to go out and live life well - and if you aren’t put off men for life and I understand if you are , I’m sure you would make a great partner for some intelligent guy who would value you and has far more care and consideration - I do think driving too might be a very good investment and will give you more options- I don’t drive either and it limits things both for jobs and well priced homes. You can always do female only cabbying or deliveries if needing cash!!! Gives you options

Following with interest as I'm in not a too dissimilar boat. How about something like this non-teaching role (but it could evolve if you like and give you the chance to use some of your passions with young girls ):https://www.woldinghamschool.co.uk/vacancies.html
It
seems like a fantastic place to live, with a fun work environment and easy access to the green spaces of Surrey Hills and close enough to get into London. You could look at further work in stables from here, as plenty are around, as well as thriving communities of like-minded folk. No need to drive.

Good luck op, you just need to take the initial plunge

I think the OP would find it hard to get a job in a school due to her lack of employment history, which would immediately throw up a red flag under safer recruitment policies. Likewise a lack of verifiable references and any prior experience in working with children and young people.

I am not being negative just practical. I had some quite searching questions about my references and ‘gap’ after a one-year career break, and that was as an experienced teacher!

But something like this might be worth looking at:
https://www.leisurejobs.com/job/4347497/new-opportunities-relocation-opportunity-potential-live-in-accommodation-available/

bit harsh to say that he did a number on OP, some would say he protected himself (which is a lot of advice given on here) and he also never took any money from her for the property, where did the OP spend that money instead?

Realistically you need to just rent yourself a small 1 bed place and carry on working.

Thanks everyone. Great advice and so much to think about.

In reply to a PP, I have paid equal in bills and rent until my business folded. So I have not paid rent in over a year although still offer it. Prior to this I was doing both. and when earning I managed to save well (which I have been living on, albeit very frugally).

I have worked with many companies (both in the UK and overseas) and clients over the past 17 years, but employer refs, sadly no..

No experience with children though, which isn't something I was leaning towards.

Some detail regarding housing situation: We did not live in the house he inherited for more than 6 months,
Prior to this we both rented and I kept a small (beautifully cheap) studio flat in Keswick, too, since I could easily afford it. I spent a lot of time up there and the situation suited me just fine at the time.

To conclude, he used the money from the house to start a business which has done well since - not what I'd call wealthy, but happy and solid. There was definitely room for future plans, both with regards to buying in the future or moving elsewhere (he knew my dream was further north), but as time passed I became increasingly aware that he didn't seem motivated towards that.

Of course, I have made unwise decisions, so now I have to deal with them.

I doubt he calculated anything, not really the type, but I agree that he has certainly developed a bachelor mentality. Quite a different picture to how we started out, although it became more and more apparent to me as time went on. I mostly second guessed myself and deeply regret the time that I have wasted, now. Dwelling on that won't help me, but it will certainly serve as a warning to my future self.