Could I ever turn my life around at 50?

[Floatingindefinitely]

I have made some unfortunate decisions, and have no excuse, since I had a fantastic early life with many privileges.
I need to preface this by saying yes, I am an asshole.

I met my DP in my mid 30's (after many years travelling, studying and losing my first husband) and didn't want to re-marry as had not planned to have children. I managed to set up a small 'cottage industry' type business and did well until I had a major surgery 7 years ago. I am in great health now, but my work took a good whack, and has never quite recovered. So we floated along in this way, frugally, until I realised that he probably didn't really want to fully commit to a lifelong domestic arrangement (which I definitely wanted) that would forge us a good life together into the future.

Long story short, he sold the house he had inherited to set up a business. It would seem he had no interest in making a life with me. We had lived together there for many years, and like I said, I just cruised along. I was happy to pay my way and invest in the house but he always refused. What looked like generosity turned out to be something a bit more cynical.
Now we rent and the relationship is in tatters. His business is doing great, and I am left flat. I accept full responsibility for my own actions and whilst saddened by his lack of commitment, am resolved to move forward and make a new life.

But I am terrified!
I have around 16K in savings, from my business, which was originally much higher, and was supposed to be a pension. I now have to move out and begin from scratch. I am happy to try to recover my work but do wish to go into a new field, and can not afford to study. I am fine starting small, at the bottom, and would love to get into something connected to preservation/tourism/nature. This is a dream that I would love to work towards.

Is this at all possible? Am I dead in the water?
I am 50, have sod all transferable skills, am entirely alone as most of my family have died, and will have to face the current rental market. I am a naturally optimistic person, intelligent, educated, but am just paralysed. I am finding it hard to just search for a place and make that move. Who would let to me in this situation????

Since we are separated (technically) now, I am officially unemployed although still recovering earnings in bits and bats. I am living on my savings.

I know that I am lucky to have my savings, but accept that a good amount will drop, but I have no choice. I do not want to continue this relationship.
Every day and month that ticks by I wake up in terror, so afraid to do something about it, but knowing I am wasting my life and savings in this situation. I do not wish to settle here and would need to move away as I don't like the area.

Any advice or encouragement? I need an enormous injection of confidence as I feel with that, I could move mountains. But I am so, so paralysed and confused.

Most women my age are married with kids, or home owners, and I feel like a bit of an outlier .

I think getting employment that enables you to move out / away and start to save for old age should be a top priority.

Ideally employment with prospects to decent earnings.

Your last business wasn’t truly viable.

you’re in a weak position financially and housing wise, so wouldn’t spend time and energy on self employment.

Practically speaking it sounds like a live in job would be a good idea if even only a temporary solution. Could you also devote a few hours to building up your business. And also have a think about the future without worrying about your savings going down. Empty property care would be ideal. People would much prefer a mature person.

Hi op how about just renting a room for now in a shared house ?

Thank you, I truly needed some encouragement as I am feeling quite stuck and alone.

I did work when young, although have not explained it very well in my op.
I worked with at a stables that my sister owned for 6 years then went to uni late. My degree was in English lit, and I have two books of poetry published. I then met my DH and we travelled for a while and I was able to work freelance for various magazines (mostly music). We planned to purchase a home together when we hit our mid 30's.
Sadly I lost my DH to an accident at work, which pretty much cut my life in half. I did attend grief counselling and worked very hard to recover my life.

I have made too may mistakes since, that is for certain.

My business had been slowing for years, as I became more unhappy with my current set up, this just made things more awful, I think that I just put my head down and pushed it away. I can't excuse that but here we are.

I think that trying to recover the business now would kill me tbh. It became a real grind and for not much in return. I would only attempt to toy with it again if I was more financially secure.

The only other skill I have is painting (as in art) but don't like social media and couldn't imagine earning a living out of that.

In my 20's my DH and I had planned to run the business that I eventually worked on alone. We wanted to go to Scotland and live in the hills, whilst also continuing my writing, etc. Back then, those plans felt secure, and we had good family ties who would offer help if we needed any. We were very lucky.. Until we weren't.

I am a good example of a person who seems to have gone 'backwards' in life. However, I really wouldn't want to compete in a youthful job market, I would be happy with a very simple, modest life.

Ah ok, I understand.

If horses were a feature, I am guessing that you had quite a nice middle class upbringing and perhaps money wasn’t really seen as a driver or something that you particularly needed to worry about?

This is not a criticism as I also grew up in the eighties and lots of middle-class families did rather float along on one salary, cushioned by low housing costs, a lower cost of living and far less competition for professional jobs.

Careers education was very limited and, as a young person, there was far more emphasis on following your dreams and interests.

I think unfortunately you have to get really, really practical and put all thoughts of painting, writing and a quiet, retired existence to one side. You have already had your opportunities to do that, now you need to earn a living.

Give serious thought to the live-in jobs and also to services which are in demand:

cooking
cleaning
healthcare - they are always looking for phlebotomists in the NHS
driving - could you get a minibus licence?
dog walking and pet care

Does any of this strike a chord?

Yes, I agree with you, and thank you for putting it so tactfully. It is difficult to share how I feel due to having had a great start in life, as I could not expect sympathy, and absolutely do accept full responsibility for my predicament.

There are many things that interest me, and a modestly paid job is fine by me. I would actually welcome the structure and certainty of a wage, after watching my own work dwindle away. I agree that my more creative passions will have to remain 'side gigs' for some time.

Another issue for me is having slipped out of a social life, so my friends are scattered around the UK now and I only really have my recently exDP to talk to. We get on just fine and he would do anything for me, even now, but we appear to have very different needs and plans for how to live our lives. The relationship is not recoverable.

Some new friends and contacts would be a great benefit.
I don't know whether to find new work before I leave, or after.

Losing your first husband must have been hard so young

love your attitude

I saw this video recently which talked about being a property guardian. I hadn’t heard of it but it sounds ideal. And you would meet new people naturally.Gaurdianship in London Uk

If you have energy the hospitality and care industries in rural Scotland are always looking for people

Do you have a UK passport only or could you get an Irish or other EU one?
With your English degree you could look into TEFL, and if you went abroad, e.g. France, the rental market is friendlier and renting is not seen as at all unusual at your age.
Agree with others that you need to take baby steps. I've completely rearranged my life since I was 45 and am still retraining at 55. It's intimidating, and not plain sailing by any means, but it is also exciting. New people, new experiences.

Thanks again so much.
I have carried this silently for such a long time that it has come to feel like a sickness in my core. Just letting it out here has been unexpectedly therapeutic. I do feel much more focused and ready to take some tentative steps.

Unfortunately, I never learned to drive. Yet another decision that I have come to regret now that I no longer have as much financial freedom. I would like to rectify this asap, but think this will possibly prevent me doing at least some of the jobs mentioned in this thread.
Perhaps get that out of the way first?
It would mean staying here in a place that I loathe, in a dead relationship, for longer though. That in itself is harming me, but I need to give it thought.

I would love to live in a tiny flat in a tourist area, I love the north so perhaps the Lake District, or Scotland, but not sure if that would be possible. My friend rented a tiny flat up there a few years ago for 6 months so it is possibly do-able. She worked as a marshal during events and markets, etc, lowish wage but had a great time.
The only work I would not want to be involved in is food, but I imagine most of those jobs go to students and young people anyway.

I do count my blessings, and since I am rather alone in the world, I can to some extent please myself (not having dependents).

Well... I'm just shy of 54, not married, about to move into my purchased home, so don't drag yourself down! You can go up, you just need to find your fight.

I think some of what you decide depends on the area where you live. I live in the NW and if I were in your position (and I have been in the past), then I would look to volunteer at an RHS garden or join a community group which restores area's of natural beauty for experience and to hear of paid opportunities before they come up 9and to make some friends); join the Open University as they offer bursaries/grants and move into a HMO (house of multiple occupation) and stick my stuff into storage. A HMO includes all bills, so it saves on expenses. I've lived in two whilst I saved for the house deposit.

Two of my friends retrained in their 40's and 50's and got great jobs, so it's hooey and offensive to dismiss you by saying young grads will get the work - I'm offended by that.

A PP mentioned that 16k is the threshold for receiving benefits, and I agree with the advice to apply for UC. Also, any permanent health issues may make you eligible for PIP (DLA, as it was formerly know), even if you're a lot better now.

Being over 50 is not a limitation, although it may seem that way to some people. Personally, I love it and to not have to repeat the relationship mistakes and worry about the future is very freeing.

If you love caring for people how about looking into living in care jobs?

How about something like being a youth hostel warden if you have an interest in the outdoors?

Whilst you are deciding ehat to do OP, sign on as unemployed. Your savings will mean you can't receive benefits but your NI stamp will be covered. I also suggest you urgently checking the situation with your State Pension and your current NI record.

You've had lots of good advice

you've accepted full responsibility

that's what I call a very good start - yay! And a good attitude.

mum's care agency would certainly take you on and do a bit of training and be fine with your background. I think they'd welcome your age as they need people who are used to running a house - they provide housekeep help etc too.

don't delay by learning to drive. You'd lose months waiting for a test slot. Earn money first.

also, pet sitting sounds good for you.

dreams/stuff you're interested in is what most of us do alongside paid work. Don't focus on that. Get earning, get meeting people, get confident. Don't make a long term plan yet. I think you'll likely need a houseshare or lodgings. The latter will often be a single professional woman looking for a bit of extra income so not a noisy busy house.

best of luck to you. You're taking full responsibility which is a breath of fresh air on these threads - and there's a lot of them.

Excellent advice - check your pension record literally today if you can, there's a deadline to pay to cover missed years of contributions on the 5th.

Interesting, thanks!
I had always imagined HMO's to be dreadful. The only ones I have seen were in rough areas, overcrowded and depressing.

Is there a decent way to search for properties outside of rightmove? It's
astonishingly awful on there.

Sadly most nature reserves and trust stuff would require a vehicle as no trains or buses go to them in my area at least (I am nr Lancaster). I would definitely get involved in outdoors/nature related work via volunteering to start. Just need to get a foothold on some semblance of a life.

I currently feel as if I have no autonomy. It is very draining. It has got to a point where when I wake in the morning I feel like I am sinking.

And oh boy do I have regrets! I have had countless opportunities to leave and sort this out when I had more money, and I didn't. I was either too afraid or just stupidly imagined the relationship would work itself out. I am so ashamed of that, but I can't go back to the past. And I realise that chastising myself for those mistakes is not healthy.

Work first, driving lessons when you have a regular income. Tests are booking 6 months ahead, and if you fail it might be close to another 6 months before you can get another. I would go with an automatic licence at this point, keep it simple. But don't stall work until you learn to drive. Choose your home location for its transport links and crack on.

I'm not expert though, I'm in a not too dissimilar boat and mainly here for inspiration.

Ah inspiration is very much needed here!
I think I meant getting a job here then learning to drive, then leaving....yes, it could take forever, maybe not the best plan.

Bless you op you sound lovely and it is absolutely not too late for something new.

I'm 51 did a complete career change a few years ago and now work for a charity in a role I love - it's entry level and although I have moved up a bit, there's not huge amount of scope to progress but I'm so happy and have a fantastic work/life balance. Work for UK Charities: Find a Career with Meaning | CharityJob - I had zero experience but they liked the idea of someone more mature/life skills & I've got good interpersonal skills. Most of my (lovely) colleagues are in their 20's & 30's but we get on really well.

As a few others have suggested, a live-in role might be a good idea even if it's not long term - something like this sounds perfect for you if you're arty & fancy living somewhere wild & remote LIVE-IN COMPANION & CAREGIVER FOR A CREATIVE WOMAN IN HER HOME NEXT TO THE SEA IN LERWICK, SHETLAND | jobs.lady.co.uk. You could always use your spare time to retrain or seek remote work.

I would 100% get on with learning to drive as this will definitely hold you back - book a block of lessons if you have the funds and arrange a date for your theory test TODAY.

Another good suggestion for an immediate change to get you out of the current living arrangement without spending all your money is house sitting. It might give you some breathing space and time to find a job without tying yourself down financially & geographically to a rental.

You say that your exDP would do anything for you, how concrete is that?

I really do think that you should have an honest conversation with him about your future direction in which you say that you need some assistance to take the next step.

Could he teach you to drive or help you with a deposit for a new place?

I think driving probably would be quite important for any live in care work, as there would likely be an element of needing to run errands or take the client to medical appointments.

it's entry level and although I have moved up a bit, there's not huge amount of scope to progress but I'm so happy and have a fantastic work/life balance.

This is exactly what would suit me, I don't really wish to enter the rat race and build a hectic career at this point, I would like my job to be quite simple. So much easier when sharing bills though!

I love the idea of house sitting /companion, etc, I imagine this is a specialised area - I could try to learn more about that.

I think you should forgive your past decisions. I’m not calling them mistakes.
you made the best decision you could with the information at the time
i also think you have massively underestimated the impact your husbands death had