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Original poster

I'm really lonely in my marriage

85 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 21:01

Please don't post if you want to pick holes or carp, I'm too tired right now. I just want to talk to people with similar experiences.

I think our marriage is dead. DH is just hard work, for me. We haven't had sex for almost 8 y as he has a medical issue and won't get it treated. He also snores and won't get that treated. When it started I had a very long commute and was so tired as only getting around 3h of sleep per night that I was afraid I would crash the car so I moved downstairs and slept on a camping mattress on a wooden floor for 15mos. He eventually agreed to do some nights downstairs so I could sleep in a bed but only after more than a year. He is a FT SAHD and often just doesn't "see dirt" so I do much of the cleaning
I work FT anf out of house around 12-13h a day.

I've been asking him about counselling for ages, he won't. Finally last May I confronted him. I don't believe in ultimatums but I gave him one - by end June he had to have a plan to try and work on our issues, if he didn't want counselling. Okay, he said, he got it, it was serious.

End of June came, he didn't say anything. I asked if he had any ideas, anything at all? Nope, nothing. I said I was done I'd tried everything and you can bring a horse to water etc. I said I considered this now as a friendly co-parenting arrangement, nothing more.

He shrugged and looked sad, and said well if that's how you feel..

So that's it. I can't leave because of the children. DH doesn't earn so he couldn't live on his own. I come home and it's not like coming home, there's no care.

I'm just very tired and getting all self-pitying :/

OP posts:
tellmesomethingtrue · 02/04/2025 21:33

first question is pretty obvious: why doesn’t he work?

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 21:35

Thanks, it's agreed between us. We moved recently (for my job) and he could have kept working but he wanted a fresh start. It is actually easier with him at home
I'm not complaining about him not working. It's just the lack of affection.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2025 21:37

How old are your children?

You’re in a tough spot if he’d want to be resident parent, I can see both why you’re desperately unhappy and feeling trapped. I’m really sorry. When did he last work?

Kindnesscostsnothingtryit · 02/04/2025 21:38

tellmesomethingtrue · 02/04/2025 21:33

first question is pretty obvious: why doesn’t he work?

Would you have asked that if it was a man posting referring to his wife? I don't see what the issue is with being a SAHM or SAHD.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 21:39

He only stopped work a few months back, was half time before that
The work / not work is honestly not the issue.
Yes we are both trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 21:39

Kids are 10yo and 6yo twins

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 02/04/2025 21:43

With him not working that puts you in a very difficult position if you did want to separate. I can’t see how continuing living together will work though if you don’t even have a bedroom each. Are you back on the camping mattress? How old are your children and when can he go back to work? Do you think he’ll even want to?

Gymbunny2025 · 02/04/2025 21:44

Oops cross post. What does he do in school hours? Not cleaning obviously!!

prlofty · 02/04/2025 21:48

Haven’t had sex for almost 8 years. 6yo twins. Missed your out.

Quitelikeit · 02/04/2025 21:53

If you moved to be near your job then why are you still at work for 13 hours a day

No wonder the man is fed up!

There’s a lack of balance in your lives

It’s always risky imo when a man gives up his career to raise the kids - very very few of them can actually handle the reality and the wives can’t handle it either

Brentinger · 02/04/2025 21:56

Absolutely feel your pain - the physical and emotional loneliness are combined are the worst parts. It's miserable.

Could the kids share or you share with one of them short term? The snoring is a good excuse. Or invest in a really nice comfy sofa bed and alternate?

I'm sure you will eventually have enough and talk about what splitting would look like - including him getting a job. In a few years your kids will be mostly autonomous and need you less, which will help.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 22:15

Sorry twins are 7, yes - fat fingers.

We just have sorted rooms so I now have the "spare room". So camping mattress not an issue now. But it's just the total lack of intimacy.

I'm out of the house because I'm at work. I have a long hrs job. My job supplies 100% of household income and I need to be on it. I also go to the gym some days.

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 02/04/2025 22:20

You say you cannot split because of the children...why is that ?

Seaoftroubles · 02/04/2025 22:29

You need a better balance in your relationship, that's obvious. Why are your hours so long if you work close by? Also he is not doing his job as as a SAHD if he's not doing any housework so that you have to end up doing it yourself.
I expect he is bored and fed up too if he hardly sees you, and resentment could add to the lack of affection and connection between you.
You really need to communicate and work out how to make things a bit better ( even if just a few tweaks here and there) if you don't want to separate as the current situation sounds miserable.

nessiesnotreal · 02/04/2025 22:29

Wow. Can you imagine the stick if this was a guy posting this about his wife?

Moving for HIS job.

Out of the house for 12-13 hrs a day, and goes to the gym!! Complaining that the house is dirty and that they are not getting sex!!

You would have been absolutely crucified on here.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 22:37

I just don't think it would work.

If we split and he stays with the kids, I don't think we have enough income for me to rent somewhere. He/kids would have to downsize (disruptive for them, might mean moving schools). And they would be miserable, and DH would be too as he is not good at discipline and would find it very stressful.

If I stayed, DH has no income and I think would struggle to rent even if I acted as guarantor or similar. He would probably have to go back and live with PILs which is 150mi away from where we are now. The kids would be distraught.

I just think it would hurt the children too much.

OP posts:
prlofty · 02/04/2025 22:44

Often these type of posts should be viewed as advice on what not to do for the younger generation.
Not that it will work on most but it will for a few.
There’s just nothing good to point to; here is a shovel and just keep digging until you can’t get out. 18 more years to stay together for the twins.

AltitudeCheck · 02/04/2025 22:45

Why not tell him that you want to seperate (emotionally this sounds like you're already at that point anyway) but continue to live together (different bedrooms) to coparent? Agree a weekend on / off each where you can start to take time out and meet other people. Get your physical and emotional needs met (to a degree at least) and maintain a functional home for the kids.

If that conversation doesn't wake him from his inertia then you know he's checkout just as much as you have.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 22:46

@nessiesnotreal I am out of the house because I am working! Earning all the money which pays our mortgage and buys our food. Why should I not go to the gym? DH is on his own 9am-3pm every day, that's 30h of free time a week. Why the heck should I have no leisure time?

And yes I think no sex for almost 8 years is something most married people would be unhappy about.

Anyhow I am not posting for an argument. If I don't work, we don't eat - of course I am going to do what my job demands so I keep it.

OP posts:
User46576 · 02/04/2025 22:49

That sounds miserable op. I do think a job for him is key because it will allow you to separate.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 22:49

@AltitudeCheck we pretty much have had that conversation. That is why I feel so sad.

@prlofty honestly I think that's an illusion
You can't know how a marriage will go
We loved each other and I thought had a solid relationship. Then it just seemed like he lost interest and the relationship sort of slid off his radar. I had no way of knowing this before the children.

OP posts:
Sportacus17 · 02/04/2025 22:54

Can he not get a part time job to help with the cost of splitting/running separate houses ?

prlofty · 02/04/2025 23:03

It’s true, you didn’t say how long you were married before the 10yo.
And the period between zero and school, and then school and teenage, and then teenage to adulthood all bring significant challenges.
’You had no way of knowing before the children’ that’s the point I’m making, your experience should be informative. What flags to look for?

kittenkipping · 02/04/2025 23:06

You are not lonely in a marriage. You are lonely in a cohabiting parenting arrangement. Which is natural. No affection nor love. All the financial responsibility.

if I were you and my housemate wasn’t pulling their weight in cleaning or financial contributions I’d demand they get a part time job so at least the fiscal burden wasn’t all mine and then the cleaning short fall could be outsourced from their part time income.

confusedlots · 02/04/2025 23:18

What does he actually do during the day?