I'm really lonely in my marriage

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Please don't post if you want to pick holes or carp, I'm too tired right now. I just want to talk to people with similar experiences.

I think our marriage is dead. DH is just hard work, for me. We haven't had sex for almost 8 y as he has a medical issue and won't get it treated. He also snores and won't get that treated. When it started I had a very long commute and was so tired as only getting around 3h of sleep per night that I was afraid I would crash the car so I moved downstairs and slept on a camping mattress on a wooden floor for 15mos. He eventually agreed to do some nights downstairs so I could sleep in a bed but only after more than a year. He is a FT SAHD and often just doesn't "see dirt" so I do much of the cleaning
I work FT anf out of house around 12-13h a day.

I've been asking him about counselling for ages, he won't. Finally last May I confronted him. I don't believe in ultimatums but I gave him one - by end June he had to have a plan to try and work on our issues, if he didn't want counselling. Okay, he said, he got it, it was serious.

End of June came, he didn't say anything. I asked if he had any ideas, anything at all? Nope, nothing. I said I was done I'd tried everything and you can bring a horse to water etc. I said I considered this now as a friendly co-parenting arrangement, nothing more.

He shrugged and looked sad, and said well if that's how you feel..

So that's it. I can't leave because of the children. DH doesn't earn so he couldn't live on his own. I come home and it's not like coming home, there's no care.

I'm just very tired and getting all self-pitying :/

@NameChangedOfc thanks. That is useful. The thing is though, he used to work and it hasn't been much different then.

You know what it is, I just feel uncared-for. I just cannot imagine for example keeping my partner awake much of the night so they were genuinely worried about driving safety and then saying the solution was for them to go sleep on an inflatable mattress if they didn't like it. There was no sense of "my wife is a real human being who is working very hard and doing her best, maybe I should reach out and check she's okay". If I complained about that specific situation, he would get annoyed and defensive. The vibe was very much "the domestic appliance is making a noise again".

I think that's what it is, but he won't change and I have decided not to leave. That's on me. But I'm just lonely.

I think he lacks motivation, & should get at least a part time job, to get a feeling of “worth”,
rightly or wrongly he probably feels emasculated.
working will provide structure, self esteem, social interaction & he will have something to discuss. (you can pay a cleaner, wrap around care) hes just sloping about doing what ?
console, insta, porn
Im not saying he will care more, but at least he will have an income if you split, (& you probably should) & not have the primary carer ticket.

Sounds pretty bad OP. I’m sorry. Just to say that a friend’s DH presented like this - a bit depressed and hopeless at home, even though she took a lot of the slack - and she really suffered, but he was diagnosed with low testosterone and is now doing a lot better.

That sounds really depressing. I’d hate to have a stay at home spouse with school age kids.

Are you planning to pay for him forever? Divorce only gets more expensive when he takes a chunk out of your pension. The longer he’s unemployed, the more unemployable he becomes. I’ve seen it with female friends suddenly waking up after 13-15 years as SAHMs wondering where all the jobs are.

No financial contribution, poor housekeeping by the sounds of it, no libido, snoring, no intimacy. No wonder you’re lonely.

@Mix56 to be absolutely fair to DH he won't be spending time on a screen - he loathes social media, is deffo not on Insta or TikTok, and I doubt into porn as his sex drive is v low.

@matresense see this is exactly the kind of thing I want him to get checked out! I didn't know about low testosterone as such, but as I think he might be depressed I keep thinking, maybe our whole marriage is being derailed by a chemical imbalance.

But he will. Not. Go.

He hasn't had a hair cut for months either, I have had to nag him to go to the barber's.

I understand how you feel OP, similar situation. No sex for 5yrs, I asked him to sleep in separate room 6mths ago, as he snores, I'm hot (menopausal), he fidgets, I'm in pain need to turn over carefully (frozen shoulder! Menopause!) But also he is not well, hasn't worked for 4yrs, I have cut my work down to 2days a week, to help him, I do all the school runs, shopping, life admin, and 80% of the housework. He does a little bit but gets tired. I get frustrated and resentful, we are not married and everything is in my name. I am his carer/mother/friend , I no longer feel I'm his partner. But guilt stops me from doing anything. He has nothing, no real savings to get his own place. It's tough.

It’s not guilt stopping you, it’s inertia and that hurts you.

Do you think he feels guilt regarding you?. Likely not do why do you feel guilty about him?. He managed before you and he met.

Op

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I doubt you would want your kids as adults to be in a relationship like yours but you are currently showing them this is acceptable to you.

And OP I hope you do change your mind about not leaving him because staying with him will do you and your kids no end of further emotional harm.

And to top it all your kids may not say thanks mum for deciding to remain with him because they could accuse you of putting him before them. Never stay for the sake of the children, whose sake are you staying for really because it’s not theirs. It’s not somehow easier to stay with such an individual who has it made at your expense.

Yes, The kids will have seen "the look", heard the sighs, felt the frustration.

So his self care has also bottomed out.

Tell him that You matter, the kids matter, that if he won't try to get help, then why would you stay? It's a half life, & you don't want to live this way, it's not what you signed up for. Working all day, doing chores all w/e & cohabiting with someone who cares so little, makes no effort, even for himself.
It will end, the question is when ?

Where's your anger, OP? You sound defeated or scared to upset him, when he's doing nothing to help mend your relationship. Of course you feel lonely, and you will continue to if you stick to your decision to stay in this loveless marriage. Don't you think you deserve better than this?

Honestly @Pamspeople and others, I've kind of moved through anger to some kind of resignation. I used to rant away in the car on my commute imagining all the stuff I wanted to say. But it only raised my blood pressure. It had no impact on him.

If we split, the kids' world would end. It really would. They love him so much and he is a great dad. But I'm their mum and they love me too.

I have already said to him last year during that horrible row I described in the OP that I didn't consider this a romantic relationship now. I am now slightly toying with just making a discreet physical arrangement on the side. I just want someone to give me a hug and sleep with me. Pretty basic.

OP this sounds horrific. No wonder you're lonely.
I can't fathom the state of mind of these man-children who refuse to attend to their own health or utilise any agency whatsoever.

Personally I'd worry that this ongoing stressful, toxic and frankly hopeless situation will impact your health. I rarely think things are hopeless but from what you've said I think this relationship is hopeless and it seems very important that you are heard on that point.

But you've said you won't leave so fair enough. Have you got friends to speak to about it? Good you're going to the gym. Can you get out at a weekend as well? And can you fit in some counselling for yourself?

Sorry OP, but the kids world wouldn't end. It would change, it would be hard, but they would adjust. Don't imagine that they don't see and feel how miserable things are between you and their dad. That's what they think love looks like, the best they will aim for.

I would get some counselling for yourself before you get a lover - explore why you've given up on yourself. You're clearly ambitious and driven and successful at work but at home you seem resigned to things never changing. What would your professional self say to this person who thinks she can't leave and build a happier life?

Are you saying that he’s a really great energetic Dad with them? Or is he also low energy with minimal communication like with you?

No the kids worlds won’t end. It will be different and they will see you differently in that you won’t be stressed out and otherwise preoccupied because of your h. You will have more mental energy for both you and they.

And women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Just as you have done.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your parents marriage bad?.

I feel so sad for you OP. You are both unhappy. Him asking to sleep downstairs knowing about your commute, him being the snorer and also not working shows that he has acted without consideration for your feelings. You having to clean at the weekend and him not seeing mess despite being home all week is also wow. Mind boggles. The balance is off and the lack of support for you is glaring.

I know you think him not working is not an issue but I think it is part of it. Work, if enjoyed can improve mental health and can be a vehicle for him being able to maintain himself financially if you were to split up. From what you have written, I am not sure your relationship is salvageable. I think more difficult conversations need to be had. Sorry OP.

He sounds like a rubbish SAHD if he's not cleaning. Is he doing all the mental load/school admin/laundry/tidying/batch cooking/shopping/planning holidays etc? It sounds like you would be much better on your own employing a nanny. You don't need him.

"....the kids' world would end. It really would." No it wouldn't.
It would be different, Their routines would change. but both parents would still love them, they would adapt.
You must not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

What does he do? Does he see his family & friends ? does he garden ? DIY ?collect comic books ? The day is long, the kids are at school.....
(he goes shopping.... woop woop)
Does he cook? Is there a meal ready when you get home ? does he change the sheets? tidy up? wash the dog bowl ?
You know, the general day to day shit that SAHP do

I read your title and couldn’t pass over it without saying anything as I have felt very lonely in my marriage too at times. It’s so hard to feel lonely at home and with someone.
I guess I don’t have any advice but sending a mumsnet hug and understanding.

It sounds very difficult. You cannot make him seek help or change. All you can do is sit him down one more time and say, “I’m concerned about you and I’d like you to see a doctor about your medical issues and potentially mental health issues. If you don’t want to do that, that’s your prerogative but I can’t continue to live like this. If you don’t want to seek help, which I am happy to support you with, then I will have to seriously consider the future of this marriage.” Perhaps tell him how you feel lonely and that this is your last ditch attempt to make a change before you call time. If he won’t take any steps to make changes, you have to move on. He will have to get a job to financially support himself enough to get his own place nearby or you move out and leave him with the kids and you pay half the mortgage whilst renting a place lace for yourself. It won’t be easy but you’ll need to find away because living together like this will not only make you miserable but it will be a terrible model for your children.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff

First off, your children's world would not 'end'. Since time immemorial, parents have divorced amicably or hostilely, women/men grabbed their children and fled violence in their homes, or simply walked out and disappeared. The children survive. Sometimes they need additional help to do so, but they do survive. Don't use them as a reason to stay where you are.

If it's that finances are complicated, there are ways out of that. Your standard of living may go down, but you will at least be happy.

And should you decide to divorce, what he does will be his own concern. You will no longer be responsible for him. In fact, maybe he'll actually DO something to 'fix' himself if he had to. Honestly though, I think that your feeling of responsibility for a man who feels absolutely no responsibility for you is what's really dragging you down. And I don't blame you for that one bit. Marriage is about caring for the well being of your spouse. He doesn't give a shit about yours.

So, you've decided to stay. Fine, your decision. Thousands have done that before you, thousands will after you. But doing so means that you have to 'carve out' a life for yourself. You need to 'divorce' him emotionally. You need to not care what he does because he's not going to change. In his mind, there's no need. And yes, you're entitled to 'free time' but it will be up to you to figure that out.

If you feel starved emotionally or starved for affection then consider asking your H for an 'open marriage', freeing you to seek companionship elsewhere. Only you know whether that would fulfill your needs.

As far as the household duties, you can sit him down and tell him that as far as you are concerned the marriage is dead and you are now 'roommates'. And as roommates each of you is going to have 'chores'. Then work up a roster of duties. Let him know he'll also be responsible for his own laundry, cooking, cleaning of 'his' bedroom from now on. Then carry through. I'd also probably tell him that as roommates, he'll need to have his own spending money so he better get a part time job.

Good luck. You'll need it.

I’ve been in that position ( except ex was not a stay at home husband)- but the resentment grew and grew- and your health will suffer ( My blood pressure was very high). I’m getting divorced now- losing probably half my assets to him ( who will not cope on his own) and will be living with his elderly parents the rest of their lives and being a burden on them. Mental health and all that- there is only so much you can do before it starts also impacting your mental health. Happy mother, happy kids. They will still be able to spend time with him.

Thanks everyone. I am reading and thinking. @PriscillaQueen yes that is quite literally the convo we had last June that I mentioned in my op, but I don't think he thinks I mean it. He has an astonishing capacity to "not see" anything that makes him uncomfortable.

I think, I might set a date in my mind to leave. Not yet but in a few years.

He couldn't support himself. He had some difficulties in his last job and has since applied for one for which he was a very close it experience wise, but didn't get. His MH means he does not manage well at work with things like deadlines and motivation. He worked in a niche role previously that was ironically structured around targets and deadlines. It had a strong creative component and DH is very, very bright and good at what he does. He would always have these horrible panics about how "I can't do XX project, I'm having a mental block, everyone is stressed at me" and then magically pull it out of the bag, every time, and hit his target, stretch target, and generally exceed. So they couldn't really performance manage him but I think his LM was tearing her hair out with him for years. He was there for almost 15y though, and kind of part of the furniture. Since having left, I think it would be hard in any new job as not sure he would get thru probation. And even if he did, his sector is low paid. Even when he did work he earnt around 15% of household income, he just wouldn't get a mortgage and possibly not even a decent rental. I just can't do that to my children's father.