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Original poster

I'm really lonely in my marriage

85 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/04/2025 21:01

Please don't post if you want to pick holes or carp, I'm too tired right now. I just want to talk to people with similar experiences.

I think our marriage is dead. DH is just hard work, for me. We haven't had sex for almost 8 y as he has a medical issue and won't get it treated. He also snores and won't get that treated. When it started I had a very long commute and was so tired as only getting around 3h of sleep per night that I was afraid I would crash the car so I moved downstairs and slept on a camping mattress on a wooden floor for 15mos. He eventually agreed to do some nights downstairs so I could sleep in a bed but only after more than a year. He is a FT SAHD and often just doesn't "see dirt" so I do much of the cleaning
I work FT anf out of house around 12-13h a day.

I've been asking him about counselling for ages, he won't. Finally last May I confronted him. I don't believe in ultimatums but I gave him one - by end June he had to have a plan to try and work on our issues, if he didn't want counselling. Okay, he said, he got it, it was serious.

End of June came, he didn't say anything. I asked if he had any ideas, anything at all? Nope, nothing. I said I was done I'd tried everything and you can bring a horse to water etc. I said I considered this now as a friendly co-parenting arrangement, nothing more.

He shrugged and looked sad, and said well if that's how you feel..

So that's it. I can't leave because of the children. DH doesn't earn so he couldn't live on his own. I come home and it's not like coming home, there's no care.

I'm just very tired and getting all self-pitying :/

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 05/04/2025 11:27

Sorry @AcrossthePond55 not @PriscillaQueen !

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2025 14:49

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff

"He couldn't support himself."

This is not your problem. You need to give yourself permission to NOT feel responsible for him. Because you aren't. He is an adult and as an adult he is capable of getting whatever help he needs to cope with 'adulting'. Perhaps if you left him to himself he'd actually step up. There could be a lot of 'learned helplessness' in him. He doesn't step up, because you do it for him.

"that is quite literally the convo we had last June that I mentioned in my op, but I don't think he thinks I mean it. He has an astonishing capacity to "not see" anything that makes him uncomfortable."

Could it be possible that he 'doesn't see' because you've said similar before or given an ultimatum you didn't carry through? But at any rate, again, this is not your problem. Just try to 'carve out' your own life at home as best you can. Leave him to himself to sort out own things. You focus on what you and the children need.

I think, I might set a date in my mind to leave. Not yet but in a few years.

Sometimes it's best not to set a date too far in the future. This can cause us to put up with things we should not put up with because we tell ourselves we must persevere until a specific date. It can also stop us from seeing the danger signs that we need to leave right away. Instead, focus on getting your ducks in a row now. You can move plans day by day. Just don't rule out having to leave sooner than you think and prepare for it.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2025 15:15

The longer you stay, the more you're teaching your kids about relationships. And yours is miserable. Think about the lives you want them to lead as they grow up.

Pamspeople · 05/04/2025 17:16

You're doing an awful lot of thinking for him there, OP. You might be surprised what he will manage to do when he doesn't have someone paying his mortgage and doing his emotional labour and all the other things you do for him. It sounds like a bit of a parent/child dynamic has developed between you too where he gets to be quite helpless and you're convinced he can't manage without you. I'm wondering if that's healthy for either of you, let alone your kids growing up with that as their relationship model.

PriscillaQueen · 05/04/2025 23:58

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 05/04/2025 11:27

Thanks everyone. I am reading and thinking. @PriscillaQueen yes that is quite literally the convo we had last June that I mentioned in my op, but I don't think he thinks I mean it. He has an astonishing capacity to "not see" anything that makes him uncomfortable.

I think, I might set a date in my mind to leave. Not yet but in a few years.

He couldn't support himself. He had some difficulties in his last job and has since applied for one for which he was a very close it experience wise, but didn't get. His MH means he does not manage well at work with things like deadlines and motivation. He worked in a niche role previously that was ironically structured around targets and deadlines. It had a strong creative component and DH is very, very bright and good at what he does. He would always have these horrible panics about how "I can't do XX project, I'm having a mental block, everyone is stressed at me" and then magically pull it out of the bag, every time, and hit his target, stretch target, and generally exceed. So they couldn't really performance manage him but I think his LM was tearing her hair out with him for years. He was there for almost 15y though, and kind of part of the furniture. Since having left, I think it would be hard in any new job as not sure he would get thru probation. And even if he did, his sector is low paid. Even when he did work he earnt around 15% of household income, he just wouldn't get a mortgage and possibly not even a decent rental. I just can't do that to my children's father.

He's a grown man. He needs to get support to sort out his mental health and physical issues. He has to step up and do more at home and work part time to save for a rental. I’m sorry to say this but you not having firm boundaries is enabling his behaviour. If you really want things to be better for him and for you and the kids, you need to set string, clear, non-negotiable boundaries and stick to them. Even if that means he has to leave the family home. Hard though that may be. Or else nothing will change.

JupiterBiscuit · 06/04/2025 20:25

Hi @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff I hope your weekend has been ok.

Semiramide · 06/04/2025 23:06

Pamspeople · 05/04/2025 17:16

You're doing an awful lot of thinking for him there, OP. You might be surprised what he will manage to do when he doesn't have someone paying his mortgage and doing his emotional labour and all the other things you do for him. It sounds like a bit of a parent/child dynamic has developed between you too where he gets to be quite helpless and you're convinced he can't manage without you. I'm wondering if that's healthy for either of you, let alone your kids growing up with that as their relationship model.

All of this, @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff

get your life back and let him do what works for him.

One day your children will thank you.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 12/04/2025 18:54

Thanks @JupiterBiscuit and everyone.

These things are always messy. Right now, I don't feel I can leave. That doesn't make me happy.

I am keeping going by doing my best by the kids and prioritising myself as much as I can within this.

But this thread has helped. It started me thinking, if he DID sort out his issues, would I be happy then? And I don't think it would. There's been too much water under the bridge. I am desperate for sex, but I am just realising - not with him, anymore.

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 13/04/2025 10:03

Is it ok to PM you @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff ?

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 13/04/2025 18:21

@PeterLemonJello yes....?

OP posts:
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