I'm really lonely in my marriage

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Please don't post if you want to pick holes or carp, I'm too tired right now. I just want to talk to people with similar experiences.

I think our marriage is dead. DH is just hard work, for me. We haven't had sex for almost 8 y as he has a medical issue and won't get it treated. He also snores and won't get that treated. When it started I had a very long commute and was so tired as only getting around 3h of sleep per night that I was afraid I would crash the car so I moved downstairs and slept on a camping mattress on a wooden floor for 15mos. He eventually agreed to do some nights downstairs so I could sleep in a bed but only after more than a year. He is a FT SAHD and often just doesn't "see dirt" so I do much of the cleaning
I work FT anf out of house around 12-13h a day.

I've been asking him about counselling for ages, he won't. Finally last May I confronted him. I don't believe in ultimatums but I gave him one - by end June he had to have a plan to try and work on our issues, if he didn't want counselling. Okay, he said, he got it, it was serious.

End of June came, he didn't say anything. I asked if he had any ideas, anything at all? Nope, nothing. I said I was done I'd tried everything and you can bring a horse to water etc. I said I considered this now as a friendly co-parenting arrangement, nothing more.

He shrugged and looked sad, and said well if that's how you feel..

So that's it. I can't leave because of the children. DH doesn't earn so he couldn't live on his own. I come home and it's not like coming home, there's no care.

I'm just very tired and getting all self-pitying :/

This sounds like a man trolling with a reverse role scenario ...

Indeed. And how/where does he access money? Joint cards?

What exactly are you wanting from your post? Just for us to listen and bring sympathy? Or advice.. because any advice is dismissed and given excuses 🤷‍♀️

This sounds all shades of miserable.

>He's unable/unwilling to provide sex
>You were working so many hours, on so little sleep and in danger of dieing.
>He's at home, but unaware to keep on top of tasks.
>You're both stuck due to finances.
>He doesn't seem inclined to work on the marriage, so is likely checked out.

I have no advice, but it sounds a miserable and empty existence for you both. I hope something gives soon, so you can work on improving or separating.

Is it really free time or does he do household cleaning, chores, planning, household admin, cooking, shopping, etc? Does he do all the school stuff, homework, running around to various club drop offs, etc?

If you don't plan on separating physically in terms of households can you discuss and agree on having relationships outside the marriage?

Or if your mind isn't there yet do other things for yourself in terms of having a social life. Going out with friends, other family members etc

As you kids are all in school, he could get a job now, so he can have something to do in the daytime.

You've tried to address the issues and he's not motivated to do anything about it.

Even without sex, there could be affection.

The marriage has run it's course sadly.

Honestly, the issue isn't him working/ not. Like many couples, although the sexes are reversed I guess, we made a deal to focus on my job financially bc I have a way higher earning potential. We moved for my job bc I was in a good role but in a slightly shaky organisation and I was offered a signficant payrise to move to a bigger and more stable place. It was a family decision.

@Moier I said in my OP, just to talk. Not to have an argument. I just felt sad last night and wanted to talk to others in sexless or loveless marriages.

@PriscillaQueen I suppose "unstructured time" would be better but most of it is free. DH does most school runs altho I drop off once a week and go in later that day. He does the food shop and will often run errands. I take DD2 to karate and all 3 to swimming and supervise homework at weekends. I am home for bedtime pretty much every night and do 2 of 3 kids. I also clean the house every weekend and organise stuff like deliveries.

I think if I were a dad working in corporate law with a SAH wife most people would say that was plenty!

This marriage became disconnected years ago. I wouldn't even know how to advise in this situation because you can't just go back to however things were after all this time. You left it for years as a strange Co-parenting arrangement, you have been too busy and too disconnected to work on your marriage. You resent him for not going to a GP for a medical issue which apparently is preventing sex but I can't see a reason why he would need to. Its like you are 2 strangers in the same house.

How can you say the issue isn’t him not working when that’s the reason you can’t split! Plus you’re still doing all the cleaning over the weekend.

My DH works away in the week, I work 3 days a week, have primary school children and I still have time to get out for a run on my days out. All of the stuff you’ve mentioned can be done easily for a SAHP in addition to leisure time.

@Gymbunny2025 I think even if he did get a job he wouldn't earn enough to support himself. He almost certainly wouldn't.get a mortgage. So it sort of doesn't feel like a real option iyswim

This probably sounds harsh but could you leave and rent somewhere. Leave him and the kids at the house. I know this sounds like I’m being really cold but he could look at benefits and a part time job. Life is short to be so lonely and unhappy. Both of you deserve the time and space to move on.

Own it op.
Your unhappy.
What do you want.
It wont change.
Ever.
Who cares about his thoughts and feelings.
He's not doing anything to create a warm and loving relationship with you.

What does he do all day? I don’t mean this in a “lazy sod” way- presumably your kids are at school? Does he have interests? He sounds depressed.

You have misunderstood what I was trying to say. I never actually said any of that. I was merely pointing out that if your post had been written by a man he would have been absolutely roasted on here. I wasn't trying to downplay your situation.

But try and see things from your DH perspective. You are out 12-13 hrs a day working and also sometimes go to the gym. He is home alone all day and then does all the childcare. Maybe he is lonely in this marriage too? He never see's you. Or should I say, you never see one another.

Maybe he needs to find work and then can help out financially so that doesn't fall all on your shoulders?

Maybe your current set up and situation just doesn't work and you need to find a way to spend more actual quality time together as a couple reconnecting?

But first and foremost you need to communicate your feelings to him and somehow find a way to make this work.

Okay thanks @nessiesnotreal I was very tired last night and it did feel like an attack.

I have tried talking to him so, so many times. I have stopped bc what happens is, I think carefully about what I want to say so it sounds constructive and supportive.... he doesn't engage.... I get frustrated and tearful and say things like "please, come on, our marriage is dying, can't you help me save it" and he sort of doesn't say much or denies there is any issue, or sometimes goes on the offensive, and nothing comes of it. I made a conscious decision last autumn to stop talking about stuff to him bc it hurt me and didn't resolve anything.

Yes I think he is depressed. But he won't admit or address it. I said to him last weekend, as gently as I could, look you don't seem happy. Why don't you think about seeing someone? Even just, go do something for yourself?

He just looked at me in absolute silence and then slowly walked away. Where do I even start with that?

He sounds utterly selfish, won't look into help for his snoring, won't communicate, won't clean, won't get help with his medical issue, won't work on your sex life, and he doesn't care about the impact any of it has on you. Has he always been like this, or did it get worse after the move?

Where do you start with that? You’ve tried OP. Now I think you need to do whatever it takes to add a sprinkle of happiness into your life. Including discretely seeing someone

I think your marriage is over and the key to being able to split is him getting a job.

I honestly feel for you. How do you help someone that won't help themselves? How do you try and make things work with someone who won't even communicate or try and meet you half way?

I actually have no advice for you because if there really is no way out of this situation and you can't see any way to separate, and he refuses to try and fix himself, or fix things, then you are kind of stuck with it.

I guess all you can do is try and find a way to make your life as happy as you can whilst you continue to exist and coparent together. But it sounds miserable and life is too short.

I'm a SAHM myself and, while I definitely agree re the typical MN SAHP bashing, this was also my first thought: it may be that the reality of being a SAHD doesn't match the initial ideal. Being a SAHP can feel very lonely for mothers, I would assume (perhaps wrongly) that it can be lonelier for men, because they're still a minority. So maybe there's something like this going on, OP? He seems to lack motivation in general 🙏 I'm sorry, this sounds very hard and unfair for you both...

He has many hours at home whilst your kids are at school. He needs to get a part time job to increase your income and to give him a bit of interest outside the home. You haven't said what he does all day apart from errands but not housework obviously if you have to do it at the weekend! He needs to see his GP too, you can't work with nothing and he sounds depressed and checked out. Or is this just with you? How is his mood with the children?

I wasn’t asking what you do. I was asking what he does and if your assertion that he has 30 hours of free time a week is actually correct. I wasn’t commenting on what you do. You work outside of the home. I was asking what he does within the home and for childcare. There’s no need to get defensive. I think you should be doing the things you do as parenting is still a part of your responsibility whether you work or not. However, I wanted to understand if your husband was sitting around doing nothing for 30 hours a week or if he was actually doing much more than you’re giving him credit for. Running a household and being the primary parent is a very difficult job. Maybe you don’t appreciate what he provides? If he genuinely does very little whilst the children are at school then I would suggest he at least gets a part time job. This way, he can save money for his own place nearby should you decide to split up and will hopefully be able to increase his hours to full time when you do. This might allow you to both move into the workforce and come up with a way to coparent.

Hi @PriscillaQueen thanks. Being honest, I don't know what he does during the day mostly.

He volunteers for sessions of around 3h twice a week which is good (socially for him but also worthwhile) and does the weekly food shop. So I guess in total that takes what, 2 mornings and bit? He will also do ad hoc errands if specifically asked such as taking the car for an MOT.

But on a day to day basis outside that, I honestly don't know and because things are often touchy between us, I try to keep things light and positive and not look like I'm "checking up" too much iyswim