Should I leave my partner who cross dresses for kink

[Poomie1975]

I am in a real quandary with my current situation and I need help and advice.
When I met my partner, he told me he used to cross dress and showed me pictures of him dressed as a woman. It was always in really kinky outfits, so not just regular clothes. He also told me that he used to visit a professional Domme when he was dressed.
I was fine with hearing this but thought no more of it. I'm not offended by it as I'm pretty open minded and would have actually included it in our sex life.
Fast forward to a few years later and I caught him sending pictures of him dressed to other men and women with extremely explicit messages.
We had a huge row and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to do this with me, but it's ok with other people.
His view is that when he's with me, he feels like himself so it feels awkward, he doesn't feel able to be the female persona but with strangers, he can be who he likes and say whatever he likes.
Obviously I feel hurt as I have openly embraced this side of him.
We have a wonderful relationship day to day and have everything in common.
Our sex life has dwindled since he started dressing again so I am left feeling frustrated and hurt.
Honestly, I don't want to lose this wonderful man in my life but at the same time, it feels my needs in our relationship are not being met.
Hoping maybe someone else has gone through a similar thing as everything I read is where the wife is repulsed by this and I'm not! I'm just not included at all.

The thrill of NOT including me in his secret sex life, and hiding his external sexual interactions from me and our kids was what my now XH got off on.

I tried to invite him to partake with me, but it was too tame and safe for him to do it with me. He never even got off the starting blocks with that.

Our 20 year marriage ended because I was no longer willing to tolerate him cheating. I tried. Pursuing his personal sex life was more important to him than his wife and children. He tried to dress it up as "it's only messaging. It's only a video call. It's only a few pictures. I can be anyone I want to be to strangers, but only real with you"

So I got rid.

It's your decision what you do, and what you're willing to put up with over this.

It’s fine to be open minded. It’s another to allow him to exploit that and somehow convince you that because you cannot be part of his fantasy world, you must allow him to cheat. I tend to only fancy tall men. If my other half was short would that then be ok for me to cheat on him with tall men? Of course not.

obviously if you are genuinely happy to live in a sexless relationship with someone who is having sex outside of the relationship then fine. But really, are you?

This was exactly my thinking. The kink and the dressing doesn't actually matter- what matters is that there's a boundary in an exclusive relationship where you don't go behind your partners back and sext other people.

You've been working with him and he's been essentially closing you out but then using that as an excuse to essentially cheat on you. He's shown himself to be selfish and untrustworthy so the only thing you need to decide is whether or not to continue a relationship with someone who thinks its OK to betrday you in order to get their own needs met.

I’m glad you’ve taken something from the posts here but I disagree you’ve been foolish. Your partner has been manipulative and selfish.

You’ve been trying to have a good relationship and he’s taken the trust you’ve given him and pissed all over it. None of this reflects any deficiency with your character - he’s the liar here, he’s the one who has tried to have you and fulfill his sexual desires that never had a chance within your relationship.

It won’t work inside any relationship from the sounds of it and in all honesty he really and truly doesn’t deserve you. You’re too good for him.

Fast forward to a few years later and I caught him sending pictures of him dressed to other men and women with extremely explicit messages.

He's a cheater, therefore he's not "wonderful".

If he "has to" (poor guy! 🙄) do this with others because he can't do it with you, he should have ended the relationship or asked for an open relationship. He didn't. He did it behind your bank with no consent /agreement - which makes him a cheater (and liar, by omission).

(Personally blokes who have a female persona or dress up as (a sex object version of) women or want dominated while dressed up as a "woman" ...... Would turn me off like a tap).

And it's always women who feel pressured to be open minded & tolerant of mens sexual kinks. I have yet to see the opposite - ever - on male dominated forums. If a man reporter the reverse, he'd be advised to leave her and find another woman.

This is my situation and I'm so happy to hear from someone who has gone through similar.
Yes, it's safe and not as much of a thrill but can that ever stop. I guess it depends on each individual but in most cases it doesn't.
He's willing to go to counselling (he suggested this) so maybe that will help or maybe it will show it will never stop and I need to make a difficult decision

I hope you have found more happiness

I'm so much happier now, as I'm not having to be his digital guardian. I ended up taking on a role I never wanted. I did that for 5 years.

He found ways round the digital chastity locks I held the passwords to on his devices and that he asked me to put on.

Twice I forgave him. Twice I tried to work with him. Twice I tried so hard to rebuild what he had broken.

I was done when I discovered him doing it the third time.

He went for counselling after the second time I discovered his secret online life. His suggestion to go. He told me a few sessions in that he hadn't told the counsellor why he was seeing them and just said he had a problem with online porn. The sessions dribbled out and no change in behaviour occurred.

So, for me, I couldn't tolerate his lies and cheating any more. It's only up to you what you will tolerate.

Being honest, I miss my marriage, but don't miss him. I miss the friend I fell in love with. I miss having someone in my life who knew me inside and out. I'm sad he told our children precisely, in detail, why our marriage was ending. It probably gave him another kick to do so. So their dad fell off his pedestal - DD rarely sees him now, and she used to adore him. I'm so sad for them.

But, for me, life is so much better now. I'm free of working hard daily to choose to love someone who treated me, and my children, so poorly and could only see his own selfish "needs".

All the best with whatever you decide.

Reading it through, I agree with PPs he's cheating in effect and gets off on it. That doesn't sound like it works for you.

I came on to say I once dated a cross dresser. I thought I was cool with it. But it grew and grew. He was always wearing lingerie to bed, more and more elaborate. And honestly it did nothing for me. The final straw was a pink wonder bra. I mean fgs. He didn't have anything to push up.

Since I ended it he's started to transition. I badly needed to realise it's one thing to be chill about something, it's another to say "this isn't working for me, and that's ok"

I had a similar situation and my now ex blocked the person he'd been sexting with and we went through months of counselling (also his suggestion) and to my mind emerged in a much better place. But then about 6 months later I found out that he'd never stopped, he just became more careful with hiding it from me and used all that we'd learnt in counselling to 'perform' as a better husband except in the bedroom which was still dead as all his energies were going into porn and sexting strangers. I only found out by chance and if I hadn't I'd still have been thinking he was doing the work. So I would just say to be careful because he's shown you already that his value base is OK with lying to you. So counselling may just end up gaslighting you. That was my experience anyway.

He sends sexual pictures of himself with explicit messages to other people. Unacceptable, disrespectful, fuck right off.

Yes.

Yes you should.

I wouldn't leave because cross dressing, you knew he did this when you met. Sending sexually explicit photos and conversations with other people? Absolutely unacceptable. Get rid.

So, many months later and I'm on the point of leaving.
It's tough as we have a mortgage together, not married so it'll be hard to afford anywhere else.
I'm needing to go but feel trapped and then when I say it's because I can't handle the relationship, it'll be me who's the bad guy.
Geez, now I feel like a whining idiot.
Yeah I've been a fool, yes the trust is gone and yes, at the age of 52 where I had hoped that this was my last relationship, it all feels like I brought this on myself for staying with him.
I really need a friend to talk to about it, but at my age, most of your friends are family and they would be horrified.
I'm totally lost, totally scared and very very lonely.

You are doing the right thing, if theres no bad ending how can you have a good new beggining and you dont need a man ,

There are always posters here that can advise or have been thru similar. Maybe start a new thread about new starts at 52?

I wouldn’t be worried about your friends and family being horrified. They should be horrified. You need support .

You're only 52. If you didn't leave now, you'd still be with him at 82 - no doubt sharing clothes. FUCK. THAT.

I think as women we often tie ourselves in more knots than a pretzel, to make the man we want somehow fit, even when he doesn't. Ask yourself this : when you ventured out into the dating scene, was it your desire to be with a man who wore dresses? I'd bet you it wasn't. So smooth out those knots, and if you do start dating again (which you absolutely should at your age), ditch at the first sign of anything that makes you gag.

You're not a lesbian. You want a perfectly normal bloke, not all this fucked up bullshit and sexual deviancy. Believe it or not, I think that a year from now, you'll actually laugh about this with your (new) significant other.

I have yet to meet any woman who wants her man to dress up as a woman. Not one.

Oh, and I bet you didn't yearn for a bisexual man either, did you?

At 52 you're young enough to date, but far too old to compromise on anything. I'm 55 myself and at our age we deserve the best, and shouldn't take any shit.

I guess I'd thought by the age of 50, I would be with someone for life.
Not in this pickle where I am currently.
Thank you for your lovely words which have given me hope of a new start even at my age!

His view is that when he's with me, he feels like himself so it feels awkward.

His cross dressing and desire to send sexually explicit messages to random men is part of the real him. He doesn’t want to share his kink with you because sending sexually explicit messages to random men is part of the kink and you aren’t a random man. It is that simple, the guff about feeling like himself with you is bs, he wants a separate secret life aka he wants his cake.

You knowing about his kink is all that he is willing to share.

Feel free to join us on the trans widows thread
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4879982-trans-widows-escape-committee-6-the-next-generation

He’s cheating, the not feeling he can be himself with you is part of the deceit.

Lesson to read the whole thread. Glad you’ve left the cheater 🙌