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Original poster

Should I leave my partner who cross dresses for kink

102 replies

Poomie1975 · 02/04/2025 10:57

I am in a real quandary with my current situation and I need help and advice.
When I met my partner, he told me he used to cross dress and showed me pictures of him dressed as a woman. It was always in really kinky outfits, so not just regular clothes. He also told me that he used to visit a professional Domme when he was dressed.
I was fine with hearing this but thought no more of it. I'm not offended by it as I'm pretty open minded and would have actually included it in our sex life.
Fast forward to a few years later and I caught him sending pictures of him dressed to other men and women with extremely explicit messages.
We had a huge row and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to do this with me, but it's ok with other people.
His view is that when he's with me, he feels like himself so it feels awkward, he doesn't feel able to be the female persona but with strangers, he can be who he likes and say whatever he likes.
Obviously I feel hurt as I have openly embraced this side of him.
We have a wonderful relationship day to day and have everything in common.
Our sex life has dwindled since he started dressing again so I am left feeling frustrated and hurt.
Honestly, I don't want to lose this wonderful man in my life but at the same time, it feels my needs in our relationship are not being met.
Hoping maybe someone else has gone through a similar thing as everything I read is where the wife is repulsed by this and I'm not! I'm just not included at all.

OP posts:
femsrad · 02/04/2025 13:23

Yes you should. As soon as possible. So many red flags he could open up a Red Flag shop.

Cornettoninja · 02/04/2025 14:12

I can’t believe I’m suggesting this, but I think you should probably post this to the sex topic if you want to find people who have been/are in this kind of situation.

from a relationship pov, you’ve been lied to and rejected but if you genuinely think there’s a hope then I think you need to seek the advice of people who are more likely to talk to you about the fetish side of things.

Jollyhockeystickss · 02/04/2025 14:12

MattCauthon · 02/04/2025 11:24

He's a cheater. I agree, why would you still be with him.

But frankly, I think where the so-called "kink" is relevant is that clearly, he gets off on pretendign to be a woman. He can't pretend to be a woman to you because your relationship is based on him being a man. So unless you are willing to incorporate his "kink" by teling him that actually you are bisexual and therefore would love some sexy time with a woman, of course he isn't going to get turned on with you.

Totally agree bec

Jollyhockeystickss · 02/04/2025 14:14

Jollyhockeystickss · 02/04/2025 14:12

Totally agree bec

Show quote history

Agree because when dressed he is a women who wants someone with a penis and his wife doesn't have a penis

Maitri108 · 02/04/2025 14:20

For some cross dressers the kink is in the illicit nature of it. In the same way that paying for sex isn't just about sex. Some CD get off on shocking people, get aroused by being submissive ot are into the sleazy aspect of it.

A fetish seems to be with you for life and in some cases, takes over. He obviously doesn't want to incorporate his fetish into your sex life as that's not what gets him off.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/04/2025 14:22

Yes I would dump someone for sending pornographic images and messages to other people.
In a heartbeat.

lafaraona · 02/04/2025 14:28

Get rid asap.
I would not tolerate a cross dresser in the first place tbh, especially these days after what we know about AGP. This particular kink IS relevant IMO. Sending pics to others just sits on top of something that for me is unacceptable already.

Livpool · 02/04/2025 14:32

Regardless of anything else - he is cheating on you. Do with that information what you will

Lolalaboucheridesagain · 02/04/2025 14:35

He’s a porn sick fetishist who is actively cheating on you. You know the answer.

soarklyknobs · 02/04/2025 14:43

The guy has a virgin / whore thing going on.

His “kink” is much more pleasurable and exciting if he indulges in it with “whores” whilst his “virgin” partner is at home, innocent of that side of him and the cheating that goes hand-in-hand with it.

Indulging his kinks with him wouldn’t work, because then (in his mind) you’d be a “whore” type character and he’d need to replace you with an innocent “virgin” type.

Either way, he’s having sex with other people; what’s the point?

Breadcat24 · 02/04/2025 14:51

Up to you.
I could live with him doing it at home, but sending messages to people not so much

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 02/04/2025 14:51

35965a · 02/04/2025 12:00

He’s cheating on you. It’s that simple. The question is: can you live with that?

^This.

If you are unhappy, then that is a good enough reason for you to leave him.

JHound · 02/04/2025 14:53

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2025 11:01

Honestly, you’re over complicating it by even bringing in the cross dressing/kink here. This is a really straightforward situation, he is actively sending sexually explicit messages to other people- why would you be okay with that?

This. The kink is not the relevant. Him sending sexually explicit messages to people outside the relatipnship is the issue.

kurotora · 02/04/2025 15:03

I left an ex for cross dressing and kink stuff - I couldn’t feel attraction to him sexually when I knew about it. But we’re still friends, which we absolutely would NOT be if he’d been cheating on me like your partner has.

I would set two boundaries if you are okay with the kink.

1, This has to be a solo thing for him, if he can’t involve you. It must NOT involve other people.
2, He needs to keep open lines of communication if this escalates and he starts wanting to dress up outside the house or try to “live as a woman”. Because that opens up a whole new can of AGP worms.

Honestly, I think you should leave him for the cheating alone. He will most likely continue with or without your knowledge.

ManyATrueWord · 02/04/2025 15:07

These type of men (autogynophiles) escalate. You will end up one of those glassy eyed women tellings the newspapers that she loves her husband for himself not his sex and now he is a woman that means you are a lesbian, and you braid each other's hair and share makeup. And if you don't fit in with what he wants he will get nasty.

I could be wrong - but probability is that I am right. The question is: do you want to test it out?

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/04/2025 15:07

The problem is that he wants a sex life without you, and doesn't seem to want much of a sex life with you. It doesn't really matter what his kink is, he's insistent that he won't share it with you. If you talk to him about it in those terms what does he answer? I don't think you are ready to settle for a sexless relationship.

Jujujudo · 02/04/2025 15:21

Not directly the same.. but when I met my husband he was an extreme clubber: out all night, party drugs, the lot. It caused endless issues between us for a while, until I understood that this was his thing, he enjoyed it and I had no right to stop him.
We came to an agreement that he could go clubbing without me, but he had to be in touch every couple of hours and be home at an agreed time. Also, obviously, no other women. I had to trust him, I had to accept that this was part of his life before we met, and I had to be ok with it.
Of course, I have my insecurities, but he knows it was a huge deal for me to “allow”, or let’s say “tolerate” his behaviour, and he has stuck to it.. as far as I know.
He’s nearing 60 now, and still likes to go out every month or so, and I accept it still. Maybe I’m a fool, naive, whatever, but when you choose to spend your life with someone and they have a “thing” that could potentially cause problems, we have a choice whether or not to accept it, or say no, that’s not going to work.
My red line has always been the other women. He knows that. I don’t ask, but that’s because I choose to trust him not to hurt me or lie to me.
If you feel uncomfortable or insecure or violated or disrespected by him and his “thing” then you have every right to put clear boundaries up for your own wellbeing and his.

Crushed23 · 02/04/2025 15:33

Cornettoninja · 02/04/2025 14:12

I can’t believe I’m suggesting this, but I think you should probably post this to the sex topic if you want to find people who have been/are in this kind of situation.

from a relationship pov, you’ve been lied to and rejected but if you genuinely think there’s a hope then I think you need to seek the advice of people who are more likely to talk to you about the fetish side of things.

Agree with this.

Sorry OP but the vast majority of women would not be okay with AGP in a relationship full stop. You clearly are okay with it, so you need to seek advice from like-minded people. I can’t imagine being okay with a boyfriend cross-dressing, let alone all the other shit he is putting you through - lying, cheating, etc.

Crushed23 · 02/04/2025 15:38

lafaraona · 02/04/2025 14:28

Get rid asap.
I would not tolerate a cross dresser in the first place tbh, especially these days after what we know about AGP. This particular kink IS relevant IMO. Sending pics to others just sits on top of something that for me is unacceptable already.

What do we now know about AGP? Sorry I’m not trying to cause trouble, I’m just interested. It only came on my radar a few weeks ago with Sam Rockwell’s monologue in White Lotus. Feel free to PM me if it’s controversial.

UrsulasHerbBag · 02/04/2025 15:42

He’s lied to you, he’s already gone behind your back, how do you know how far he’s really gone? Your feelings haven’t come into it for him, everything is about him and what he wants. Are you willing to put up with him going further and further into this? Do you trust him to abide by your boundaries because I wouldn’t.

lafaraona · 02/04/2025 16:00

Crushed23 · 02/04/2025 15:38

What do we now know about AGP? Sorry I’m not trying to cause trouble, I’m just interested. It only came on my radar a few weeks ago with Sam Rockwell’s monologue in White Lotus. Feel free to PM me if it’s controversial.

Show quote history

google transwidows to see the full impact of being the lucky wife to one of those pigs. They will isolate you, use you, spend family savings in their kink and ultimately ruin your life and that of your family. Absolute evil things.

SallyWD · 02/04/2025 16:10

I'll ignore the cheating stuff and focus on the cross dressing.
I once went out with a cross dresser. I was very attracted to him (when he wasn't cross dressing) and we got on brilliantly. However, I could never quite get my head around the cross dressing. I like to think I'm very open minded but this was just a huge thing for him, this kink, and I just didn't understand it.
As I'm a woman he wanted to go dress shopping with me and have girly evenings where we dressed up glamorously and did each other's make up etc. This just isn't me. I don't even enjoy doing this stuff with women, let alone with a big 6ft 2 bloke.
He'd get very visibly excited (if you know what I'm saying) every time he put on a dress, some lacey knickers or bought some high heels. I just didn't get it. It was so terribly arousing for him but not at all for me.
I have absolutely nothing against cross dressers but I felt I wasn't right for him because I couldn't share his excitement or even understand him.
He's since met a lovely woman who adores him for who he is and is very happy to indulge his fantasies. I'm genuinely pleased for him because he deserves someone who gets him.

FreshOutOfFucks · 02/04/2025 16:23

soarklyknobs · 02/04/2025 14:43

The guy has a virgin / whore thing going on.

His “kink” is much more pleasurable and exciting if he indulges in it with “whores” whilst his “virgin” partner is at home, innocent of that side of him and the cheating that goes hand-in-hand with it.

Indulging his kinks with him wouldn’t work, because then (in his mind) you’d be a “whore” type character and he’d need to replace you with an innocent “virgin” type.

Either way, he’s having sex with other people; what’s the point?

It could be that. Or it could be - as is the case with so many AGPs - that he is imagining himself as the OP. I wonder if, when he’s all dressed up, he resembles the OP? Usually these AGPs are trying to walk in the skin of a woman in their life who’s close to them. Often their mother, partner or sister.

If this is the case, then OP being involved is going to ruin the fantasy.

sadnesscomesagain · 02/04/2025 19:14

Another one here who left a marriage because of cross dressing husband. The kink got totally out of control and he admitted that the only woman he fancied was himself, when he was dressed up as a woman.
Many of these men become very selfish and cannot understand that the majority of women are quite simply attracted to a man and all things masculine. Not a man in a mini skirt and a pie frilled collar.
My ex remarried within a year to a woman who looks very masculine and has been mistaken for a ladyboy (she's 20 years younger and Asian). I have no idea what their home life is like but I am 10000000% happy that I'm well out of it.

Original poster
Poomie1975 · 03/04/2025 09:47

Thank you all for all your thoughts, I'm really grateful for all your input into this.
It's really given me food for thought and how much I have tolerated and forgiven.
I do deserve better than this and although I'm very open minded, I have been so foolish to forgive some of the things that have happened.

OP posts: