Should I leave my partner who cross dresses for kink

[Poomie1975]

I am in a real quandary with my current situation and I need help and advice.
When I met my partner, he told me he used to cross dress and showed me pictures of him dressed as a woman. It was always in really kinky outfits, so not just regular clothes. He also told me that he used to visit a professional Domme when he was dressed.
I was fine with hearing this but thought no more of it. I'm not offended by it as I'm pretty open minded and would have actually included it in our sex life.
Fast forward to a few years later and I caught him sending pictures of him dressed to other men and women with extremely explicit messages.
We had a huge row and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to do this with me, but it's ok with other people.
His view is that when he's with me, he feels like himself so it feels awkward, he doesn't feel able to be the female persona but with strangers, he can be who he likes and say whatever he likes.
Obviously I feel hurt as I have openly embraced this side of him.
We have a wonderful relationship day to day and have everything in common.
Our sex life has dwindled since he started dressing again so I am left feeling frustrated and hurt.
Honestly, I don't want to lose this wonderful man in my life but at the same time, it feels my needs in our relationship are not being met.
Hoping maybe someone else has gone through a similar thing as everything I read is where the wife is repulsed by this and I'm not! I'm just not included at all.

I’m pleased you are leaving him. You would never have been happy, changing you to meet his expectations.

I’m 60. My marriage ended at 49 as my EH was having an affair. I gave it a couple of years then joined running clubs, walking clubs. Old, etc and met a lovely man in my mid 50s. You have many years to look forward to. Good luck.

What a disgusting cheating perve. Your life will get so much better when you leave this scummy man.

I once dated a cross dresser. I thought i was being liberal and encouraging with it, all in the bedroom. But it ate away at me quietly. Then one day I went to bed and he was wearing a pink wonder bra and I just thought "what's the point?"! There's nothing to put in there! It was the ick big time.

Ask yourself honestly if you like it. Like you'd ask yourself if you liked cheese on toast. If you do, then you need to address the cheating.

Unfortunately it isn't something I'd choose at all.
When I met him he was very masculine and as I gradually fell in love, he told me he 'used' to do this.
Then it was when he felt low and then after that it was me finding the sexually explicit (Really explicit) messages. From reading them, it seemed they had known one another for years.
At this point I should have left.
You certainly learn that once a cheat, always a cheat

Unfortunately it isn't something I'd choose at all.
When I met him he was very masculine and as I gradually fell in love, he told me he 'used' to do this.
Then it was when he felt low and then after that it was me finding the sexually explicit (Really explicit) messages. From reading them, it seemed they had known one another for years.
At this point I should have left.
You certainly learn that once a cheat, always a cheat.
I was silly and believed him when he said we could work it out.

I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who did this.

it does not sound like you are turned on by it either but that you’ve put up with it. Why?

This man is a dishonest cheat and if I were you I would stop feeling responsible for enabling his narcissistic AGP fantasies. He clearly doesn’t give two hoots about what you actually want.

What a load of misogynistic garbage.

As predicted. A typical misandrist responses It seems any deviation from the rad fem closed mindsets is misogyny 😂.

You just proved my point

hes cheating on you, he’s got sexual relationships going on with a few other people. It’s very normal to feel uncomfortable about this betrayal, you don’t have up sick it up.

The solution to feeling unwanted is to talk to your partner and discuss the matter, make steps forward together and keep reviewing how things are working for you as a couple

The solution is not to cheat online.

Quite a simple premise really.

So, a few months on and I'm still here with him. Stupid huh?
My issue is, when it's just us in the house, our compatibility is amazing.
I've decided that companionship is worth staying for.
I'm in my 50s, hardly what you'd call a 'looker' and I'm happy to have zero sex life.
I know he's still doing all those things, it'll never stop but that's who he is and I've accepted it.
Most of you will think this is utter craziness but sometimes, you need to look at the whole situation and decide if being without them fully is worth it.
I decided he was worth it.

I'm not judging you, you know what's right for you. Are you still having no sex?

He's cheating, and you still want him?

Not stupid - you're making the right decision for you.

As you're choosing companionship with him, is this a choice for life? Or are you going to keep looking for another partner whilst you stay with him? Or find a FB/FWB whilst with him?

I popped in to meet a new neighbour the other day. Lovely lady.

Turns out shes just left her husband of 56 years! Hes always been abusive and she finally got the courage to see her final years out free and in safety. Late 70s she is.

I told her absolutely right she was and so brave.

Youve got 25 years on her!

If you think this is the best future you can hope for, then fair enough. I don’t agree, the future is always brighter not putting up with this kind of shit, but I can respect your choice and wish you luck.

er why on earth did you get together in the first place?! Of course you should leave.

@Poomie1975 - no judgement from me. I think as we go through life how we see life and what is important in partnership changes.
When we are young, and certainly before kids - sexual fidelity seems the most important. Probably natural, as we are looking for the partner to have and raise children with.
In later life - companionship, friendship, compatibility become a lot more important. I am guessing in your 60s,70s, 80s - companionship IS the most important, as sex no longer is something that holds the couple together. And male sexuality seems to stay more active, as women often lose interest after menopause.... I don't think my grandma would care if my grandpa was sending explicit messages to someone. She'd be grateful he doesn't bug her.

All that said - you are still only 52. In your earlier posts you mentioned you missed having sex life. Are you sure there is nothing you can do to resurrect it? He seems open to therapy - you can try sex therapist?
Also - as he mentioned he used to see a Domme - I'd try a different approach. Instead of discussing sex life with him, which is all about engaging the mind, with all the guilty feelings about dressing up and not being able to do it with you - I'd try to get around it. I'd get a Domme outfit and just surprise him one night - telling him forcefully - it's been too long and he is not fulfilling his duties. - A bit of pretend game, but it might actually excite him.

Who knows - you may both enjoy it.

Yes - it's not what you signed up for when you got into this relationship. BUT - you say you are accepting of his kink, and it's more complicated than straight cheating, isn't it.... You decided to stay for companionship and accept him as he is. Why not try to make it more pleasurable for you. TELL him what you want him to do - he may react better to the Domme-sub dynamics.

I wouldn’t be with anyone who crossed dressed so it’s a complete no-brainer for me!

It’s ok to not want to be with someone who has fetishes you know? I feel like in this day and age younger women are fed a line that they need to be “open” and “accepting” of everyone’s preferences and quirks. It’s bollocks fed by the patriarchy.

Yes you should leave him. 🤮
I’m so fucking done with men trying to appropriate women’s lives.
Kink, my arse!

thats the thing at times, its not the best option but if its the better of two evils so to speak then sometimes you have to make do with the best you can

Aah your last message sounds so sad and defeated.

It’s ok to choose to stay. But only if it truly is a choice that makes you happy, not because you’re too scared of change.

Some women aren’t bothered about infidelity as long as their partner is discreet. Tom Jones is said to have truly and deeply loved his wife and vice versa, and she willingly turned a blind eye to him dicking around.

My worry is that you don’t sound happy. You sound as if you’re clinging onto crumbs. And the risk is that one day your DP will decide he wants more of his kink and will head off over the horizon, leaving you alone, resentful, and older than you are now.

It’s completely understandable to choose companionship over sex, if that really is the best and most fulfilling option for you. You sound as if you have low self esteem and that you’re choosing to stay out of desperation.

I really hope things work out for you. There’s never a single right option. Only what’s right for you. Please do come back again and talk if you feel you need to. Not because we want to persuade you to leave, but because you might need a space to talk about how you’re feeling. Look after yourself love 💐