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Original poster

Should I leave my partner who cross dresses for kink

102 replies

Poomie1975 · 02/04/2025 10:57

I am in a real quandary with my current situation and I need help and advice.
When I met my partner, he told me he used to cross dress and showed me pictures of him dressed as a woman. It was always in really kinky outfits, so not just regular clothes. He also told me that he used to visit a professional Domme when he was dressed.
I was fine with hearing this but thought no more of it. I'm not offended by it as I'm pretty open minded and would have actually included it in our sex life.
Fast forward to a few years later and I caught him sending pictures of him dressed to other men and women with extremely explicit messages.
We had a huge row and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to do this with me, but it's ok with other people.
His view is that when he's with me, he feels like himself so it feels awkward, he doesn't feel able to be the female persona but with strangers, he can be who he likes and say whatever he likes.
Obviously I feel hurt as I have openly embraced this side of him.
We have a wonderful relationship day to day and have everything in common.
Our sex life has dwindled since he started dressing again so I am left feeling frustrated and hurt.
Honestly, I don't want to lose this wonderful man in my life but at the same time, it feels my needs in our relationship are not being met.
Hoping maybe someone else has gone through a similar thing as everything I read is where the wife is repulsed by this and I'm not! I'm just not included at all.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2025 11:01

Honestly, you’re over complicating it by even bringing in the cross dressing/kink here. This is a really straightforward situation, he is actively sending sexually explicit messages to other people- why would you be okay with that?

LillylollyAndy · 02/04/2025 11:04

my relationship ended because mine was being abusive towards me. A year later I found out he was a cross dresser and he was jealous that I was actually a woman which is why he was abusing me.
but if I had known even without the abuse I would have left him anyway I can’t see him the same way
I bet he’s said and done things to lower your self esteem so that you even think about accepting what he’s doing
get out before he traps u even more

Cornettoninja · 02/04/2025 11:05

So he has a kink that you’re fine with but he doesn’t feel able to enjoy it with you so has to seek sexual relationships outside of yours? @Mrsttcno1 is right, the kink is a side issue, his dishonesty and infidelity is the issue.

tbh I don’t think I could trust him even if he made grand promises not to do it anymore. He’s lied and will likely just get better at it. I suppose if you don’t want to lose him then you have to decide what level of ‘open’ relationship you’re prepared to tolerate.

Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 11:06

The cross dressing is irrelevant. He is cheating on you.

TheQuietestSpace · 02/04/2025 11:06

Kink is irrelevant - he's seeking sexual satisfaction outside of your relationship and for me that's an absolute no. I'm sorry this is happening to you x

Original poster
Poomie1975 · 02/04/2025 11:07

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2025 11:01

Honestly, you’re over complicating it by even bringing in the cross dressing/kink here. This is a really straightforward situation, he is actively sending sexually explicit messages to other people- why would you be okay with that?

I'm definitely not overcomplicating this. We talked through that and resolved it.
The issue here is that he can't be that persona with me, or at least struggles doing this.
I don't know how to help or find a way through

OP posts:
PragmaticIsh · 02/04/2025 11:09

I imagine part of his kink is the elicit nature of it, so keeping it away from you is part of the thrill. Which is fine for him, but isn't making you happy.

Original poster
Poomie1975 · 02/04/2025 11:12

PragmaticIsh · 02/04/2025 11:09

I imagine part of his kink is the elicit nature of it, so keeping it away from you is part of the thrill. Which is fine for him, but isn't making you happy.

I thought the same myself which is why it just doesn't happen with me even though I've said I would be happy to be included

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2025 11:13

Poomie1975 · 02/04/2025 11:07

I'm definitely not overcomplicating this. We talked through that and resolved it.
The issue here is that he can't be that persona with me, or at least struggles doing this.
I don't know how to help or find a way through

Show quote history

You are. The kink is irrelevant. He’s cheating.

You are either okay with that or you aren’t. It’s a tale as old as time, seeking sexual satisfaction outside of your relationship because your partner is too tired, life too stressful, madonna/whore complex, it doesn’t matter what the excuse, his is kink, it is infidelity- plain and simply. You don’t “help” someone stop cheating on you for fucks sake, you find your self esteem and get the fuck out

fruitbrewhaha · 02/04/2025 11:15

Eh? So Youre ok with him going outside your relationship for a sexual thrill. And now you just want to “help” him?

He gets gratification from cross dressing because he sees women as beneath him, subservient to men. Therefore his kink is being
oppressed like a women. Are you really ok with his take this? He doesn’t respect women. So he has compartmentalise, keep you in a separate box as otherwise how would he round the square?

So yes, leave him.

Cornettoninja · 02/04/2025 11:19

Poomie1975 · 02/04/2025 11:12

I thought the same myself which is why it just doesn't happen with me even though I've said I would be happy to be included

Show quote history

Ok. So how do you feel about that?

to me it sounds like he’s showing you what he wants by doing it and explicitly telling you what he wants by outlining why he doesn’t want to do it with you.

I don’t think that the solution is to incorporate his kink into your sexlife because, as you’ve recognised, the secrecy and anonymity are part and parcel of what gets him off. You can’t recreate that. there’s literally no point in bending over backwards here, your role in his life is directly against the what he’s trying to achieve.

so all that remains is for you to accept that your oh has a completely separate sex life or walk away. Which is it?

MinnieCauldwell · 02/04/2025 11:22

His kink, (AGP), will most likely escalate should you stay. He may want to CD outside of the home, with you. I have seen this before. I had a work colleague who's husband cross dressed, he came to a works do 'as a woman'. She was mortified.

MattCauthon · 02/04/2025 11:24

He's a cheater. I agree, why would you still be with him.

But frankly, I think where the so-called "kink" is relevant is that clearly, he gets off on pretendign to be a woman. He can't pretend to be a woman to you because your relationship is based on him being a man. So unless you are willing to incorporate his "kink" by teling him that actually you are bisexual and therefore would love some sexy time with a woman, of course he isn't going to get turned on with you.

FreshOutOfFucks · 02/04/2025 11:27

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2025 11:13

You are. The kink is irrelevant. He’s cheating.

You are either okay with that or you aren’t. It’s a tale as old as time, seeking sexual satisfaction outside of your relationship because your partner is too tired, life too stressful, madonna/whore complex, it doesn’t matter what the excuse, his is kink, it is infidelity- plain and simply. You don’t “help” someone stop cheating on you for fucks sake, you find your self esteem and get the fuck out

Show quote history

This, basically.

Original poster
Poomie1975 · 02/04/2025 11:31

Cornettoninja · 02/04/2025 11:19

Ok. So how do you feel about that?

to me it sounds like he’s showing you what he wants by doing it and explicitly telling you what he wants by outlining why he doesn’t want to do it with you.

I don’t think that the solution is to incorporate his kink into your sexlife because, as you’ve recognised, the secrecy and anonymity are part and parcel of what gets him off. You can’t recreate that. there’s literally no point in bending over backwards here, your role in his life is directly against the what he’s trying to achieve.

so all that remains is for you to accept that your oh has a completely separate sex life or walk away. Which is it?

Show quote history

Wow, this hit hard. But rightly so.
I guess I've always known this is separate from us but I guess I'm trying to gauge of anyone has successfully managed to incorporate this into their lives.
I'm beginning to doubt this as surely he would have done this in the 8 years we have been together

OP posts:
Resilience · 02/04/2025 11:53

I’m another one who thinks you need to separate the kink from the messaging.

Many people have fetishes. Many people with fetishes feel they can’t share them with their partners for various reasons. Some choose to try to overcome that in the relationship. Some choose not to. Choosing to go outside the relationship is just that - a choice. If you are open-minded, it’s his problem to solve that he doesn’t feel able to enjoy it with you. It does not excuse sending sexually explicit messages.

mumda · 02/04/2025 11:58

Poomie1975 · 02/04/2025 11:07

I'm definitely not overcomplicating this. We talked through that and resolved it.
The issue here is that he can't be that persona with me, or at least struggles doing this.
I don't know how to help or find a way through

Show quote history

I think it's clear. You just need to see how clear it is.

You should dump him.
There isn't a way through for you as a couple.

35965a · 02/04/2025 12:00

He’s cheating on you. It’s that simple. The question is: can you live with that?

BorgQueen · 02/04/2025 12:02

Classic sick AGP, keeping it from you is all part of his fetish.

hattie43 · 02/04/2025 12:07

It wouldn’t be for me . I don’t want a partner with a whole other world of activity that I’m not part of .

peachescariad · 02/04/2025 12:08

Yes - that's about all I need to say

BobbyBiscuits · 02/04/2025 12:10

Just say he was just sending dick pics to strangers with explicit chat?! Is that better or worse? The cross dressing can't be used as an excuse to borderline cheat. If he's saying he 'needs' to do it with others even though you willingly have sex with him when he's in that get up, well you can't win here can you? I'd say the relationship is dead if he thinks it's ok to do this.

Naunet · 02/04/2025 13:16

He's not interested incorporating you into his fetish, I think after 8 years you need to accept that and then decide if that can work for you. I'd suggest it will absolute destroy your self esteem if you stay and tolerate this.

ginasevern · 02/04/2025 13:18

The thrill of fetishes is more often than not about their illicit nature which is basically what he's telling you. He's also telling you that it wouldn't work if he had to acknowledge you as an equal human being with human emotions. He's also told you that he's cheating on you, that he enjoys it and he doesn't want to stop. If you've understood any of this so far, then you surely know it won't change.

AdoraBell · 02/04/2025 13:22

He doesn’t value you OP. I would walk away/get rid of him.