Starting all over again at 38 and hoping to have a baby.. handhold

[anotherusernamehere]

I think I'm just looking for handhold really.. I posted before about my situation with my partner.. not sure if I've managed to link this properly but I'll try- Page 4 | Please help me decide if I should start again at 38... | Mumsnet

In a nutshell, been together almost 2 years, I really wanted children, he wants them but only in the right relationship and didnt feel ready etc. I have diminished ovarian reserve so might go through early menopause and will likely only get 1 or 2 eggs on any IVF cycle.

We went ahead with all the beginning stages of IVF tests and the like and we're ready to go ahead properly but he has told me 'not ready and knows he can't ask me for any more time to see if he can get there as he might never do. After a lot of painful conversations we've decided to break up.

I've left and gone back to my home (we lived together at his but kept mine). I need to see him at the weekend to get the rest of my stuff.

I'm so heartbroken. I know it gets easier as I've been through this before - basically the same bloody thing - a man who didn't want kids, although this one told me he did at least! But it's so hard to remember that right now. It doesn't feel possible. All I can think about is how I'm not going to have him in my life anymore and I'm giving up on our life. It wasn't perfect though..amongst other things he had ADHD and got stressed easily/argumentative, was messy, lost things etc. I was able and willing to deal with that to be with him.. but I'm trying to focus on the negatives..

I'm going to go ahead and try to create embryos with a sperm donor but obviously now that not be possible to go ahead immediately like it would have with him. I'm not ready to implant/try to get pregnant with one right now though - just try to create frozen embryos for now. I feel like I want to give myself at least another year to see if I meet someone else etc before making that final decision to officially go it alone.

I haven't told the IVF clinic yet about wanting to change to this as I guess I'm still holding out hope of him "changing his mind"? I had mentioned early on it might be this though so I guess they won't be totally shocked...

Grateful for any advice if you've been in this situation.. or just gone through a break up at this age and still hoping to meet your person, or been a single mother.. any advice and hand holds welcome. Literally none of my friends have even been in a break up in this sort of stage (living together, as adults, fully committed), let alone whilst still hoping/wanting to have kids so I feel so alone..

Thanks

don’t waste time waiting and seeing if maybe you meet someone in a year who could be the father of your child. It’s a romantic absurd notion. Definitely don’t fart around with freezing embryos while your womb ages and degrades

Go straight to the sperm donation centre and get the process going. You can still date in the meantime

My one female friend who kept waiting around to meet the right bloke is now 50, childless, and full of regret

Ps
i was a single mother but am now remarried. Being a mum was no barrier to finding a man. If anything I was more chilled out because I didn’t need a man for having a baby so it meant I could scrutinise them based on genuinely could we be strong life partners

I'll never understand why people throw away their partners for non existent people. Or spend their lives getting into a state about non existent children. Imo, that's an obsession, not a dream.

Obsessions should be treated with therapy to get to the bottom of why they are governing you. Not pursued and encouraged.

People will say 'oh but it's only natural to want kids'. It's only natural to want to win the lottery too! But if that desire is making your life fall to shit, it's time to drop it and do something else.

TBF, it sounds like maybe he wasn't worth hanging onto anyway. But, you're only this age once, don't let obsession about what you don't have take enjoying these years away from you.

Decide on some other dreams too so that if kids don't happen, it's not a huge, all consuming deal.

I agree with this actually. Hormones have a lot to answer for! Please do try and broaden your horizons a bit as well, a child might not happen and you need other things going on in your life. You are only 38!

Thank you for the replies so far.. it case it affects anyone's opinions on the chances of meeting someone and having children, as mentioned in my other thread, I have frozen 12 eggs at the age of 35/36... So I feel like those are a bit of insurance to giving me a bit more time to use with a future partner in maybe a few years if I/we get there. I'm well aware of the low stats there though.

The idea of making embryos I guess is to give myself another option too.. if I manage to make embryos with my fresh eggs (I appreciate this is a low chance) then there's another level of hope available. I think I'm doing all I can to give myself options in future, within the realms of what I'm comfortable with (i.e. not trying to have a baby with a sperm donor now as I'm not sure about that idea/obviously not ready if I'm going to be so emotionally fragile for a while getting over this break up). But it's not quite the same as a woman at 38 in my position who hasn't been fortunate enough to have frozen some eggs/have the ability to try to freeze embryos now..

I'm aware of the risks of having so much hope pinned on being a mother. It's hard to explain if it's not something you've always wanted. I will deal with the loss of that if/when I have to.. but I don't feel like I'm out of the running yet? I do know what I would rather have a chance of having a baby than stay with my partner and give up that chance. I guess I have to keep remembering that... there must be plenty of men who do still want marriage and children and I have to believe I'll meet one again.. and hopefully with enough time for kids to be an option still..

I totally agree, the chances of you meeting the right man who wants kids immediately is extremely rare and it will then be too late if he changes his mind.

I have been tbf.. I spent 2 years studying for a professional qualification and completed that at the end of last year, getting a 55% payrise - so I can finally afford the embryo freezing and, if needed, to be a single parent. So it's not been the only thing in my life. I have great friends and family too.. but I do take this point.. I guess if I don't become a mum then maybe I'd focus even more on my career and change employers etc and see if that fulfils me? I don't know..

The idea of dating whilst trying to have a baby with a sperm donor seems crazy, no? Surely it's easier to find a man who would still want to get married and have children with me than a man who wants to date someone going through the process of IVF with a sperm donor, trying to get pregnant etc?

It's the same with the whole 'finding your person' thing tbf. You're 38, there will likely be many more 'your person' over the course of your life. Maybe one will last 10 or 15 years instead of 2 but realistically, it's unlikely you'll meet someone and still be with them in 40 years. Not in this day and age. Because (luckily) we can divorce.

So what you're looking for is someone you fancy enough, who is generally kind and mentally solid and wants to be a dad (not just 'wants kids' but is willing and capable of doing the raising involved). All that's going to be like...5 percent of the male population? If even. Plus they have to like you back. And stay with you for most of the child rearing years. And the relationship has to remain loving and healthy so as not to damage the children's outlook on relationships.

And realistically you could go it alone if you have a good family support network but, morally, do we have the right to bring kids that don't have a dad into the world? It is undeniably, selfsish. If obsession pushes us to do things we shouldn't do... Shouldn't it be tackled, not embraced?

Sometimes we need to tell ourselves no. Because no one is 'entitled' to children. That's not a slight on single mums, who often do amazing jobs. But if you haven't found the right partner then maybe you should consider telling yourself no and finding other dreams as opposed to letting a fantasy govern your life and the life of any children who result who would have no father simply because you wanted kids.

Harsh but facts.
Personally I'd put wanting kids out of my mind completely unless I found someone who seemed to be the right partner for it. Kids deserve full family units. It might not work out that way of course but, it should be the starting point to aim from imo. Until then, they just aren't relevant. And if it never happens, then it never happens. But that's why it's important to have other dreams.

There's nothing to prevent you looking into other avenues like fostering instead. If you feel and are deemed suitable.

Well done on all your hard work op!

That's the thing though, you mention things to fulfil you. I think often people treat children as something that will fill a hole in them. As if they are some completion to a puzzle.

But they are entirely new people who exist for themselves, not for us. People who may go through their whole life feeling something is missing because they didn't have a father, for example. Not that they won't have felt loved or cherished by you of course but, it's still a hole.

Kids aren't to heal our wounds or fill our holes or complete our stories. Not that they can't do so if course but, too many people pursue adding more noise to their life thinking it'll be the thing that makes them whole or happy as opposed to exploring what they really need and not using other people as a bandage.

Honestly given your age I’d crack on yourself . Deciding to have children with someone is the single biggest decision of your life. You are choosing a father for your children which will have an impact on them all their lives. Good versus deadbeat can massively impact a child’s life. Realistically you should be with someone a couple of years before you even consider knowing them well enough to decide this, given your age I think you shouldn’t wait.

sorry I'm not sure what you mean? Crack on trying to meet someone new or with a sperm donor?

OP - don’t waste your time, as others said.
You will not meet someone who’ll want to have kids with you in the timeframe you have.

Your age will put too much pressure on the relationship from the start. Men realise that and stay away from women in late 30s who are on a biological quest to find a father for their children before fertility ends.
It’s unfair, but it happens over and over.

Pull yourself together and refocus on having a child now. If you make fresh embryos - they are your best chance at pregnancy, you know that. And re-focusing will help you get over your breakup anyway.

Once you have your child - you’ll have plenty of time to meet a man, if you want.

Agree with this. Get started straight away on sperm donor process and see if you can have your baby. The rest of it can wait.

Side note - frozen eggs are not even really a back up option, they are successful infrequently

Have a read of the posters on here with postnatal depression. Babies don’t fill an emotional plug- having them can be one of the most isolating experiences there is.

I wouldn’t rule out fostering either, my sister does it and she has a huge impact on these children’s lives.

I had my children at 38 and 40. I had actually resigned myself to not having children but then it happened.

I also a small number of friends who are in their 50s and childless and sorely regret it.

If you’re in a good financial position to go it alone, I’d go for it now. The alternative is you may/ may not meet someone, you may/ may not get pregnant with a partner, they may/ may not end up being a shit. This puts you in control, and if it’s important to you, I wouldn’t wait.

I absolutely would look into fostering or adopting if you want kids. You might not be suitable or vice versa. But I don't understand bringing a new person into the world fatherless when there are plenty kids alive already who maybe can't find suitable two parents homes but would love to have you as a mother.

Why make more fatherless kids when you could help a child already in existence.

If you are desperate for a child, then I would crack on immediately with a sperm donor. I see it as your only option (unless you will consider adoption).

Every year your chance of it being successful will drastically reduce. At 38 it has already drastically reduced.

Your chance of meeting someone new and him being ready to have a baby with you before time runs out is about 0.1% in my opinion.

Well, obviously, one is a natural biological craving/urge and the other is just a want.

Your analogy doesn’t stack up.

Ouch.

Damn I wish there was more posters coming along telling me their success stories of meeting someone at 38 and going on to have a family.. I'm sure I've read threads like that over the years 😪Maybe I'll have to do a search 😔

I split up with someone serious at 35/36 and met someone almost immediately at 36, had a baby at 38 and 39. All very quickly. Far too quickly.

He was very handsome but otherwise a disaster and I have since divorced him. Cost me a fortune in a variety of ways.

But I don't regret my wonderful children.

I just think when we are searching for a father/sperm donor/perfect couple scenario and we don't have lots of time, dating is going to be hard work. Most men that are in your age bracket (35-55) will have already done it if they are going too. And the ones searching for a baby mother (and the chance to be a lazy house husband - aren't all that as I could attest).

So I'd think long and hard about whether you want to be a mother or a mother in a relationship which may or may not last anyway.

Good luck deciding OP.

I know I’m going to go against the grain here, but at this point in my life I don’t think children necessarily lose out if they don’t have a father. I have lots of mom friends and I look at what the dads contribute. Mostly it’s financial. The moms do almost all the childcare. That’s the reality I see. If you have enough money to do it alone, and you are passionate about being a mom, go for it. I’ve got kids, and I’ve mostly done everything myself while they’ve been growing up (not by choice). A lot of men just aren’t into it and actively avoid spending too much time with their own kids. Why should you miss out if you can’t meet one of the small percentage of men that make good fathers?

OP, I really feel for you and I’m sorry your time has been wasted. I met my OH when I was 36, he’s older and we were both very much wishing to start a family. I’d met a lot of unsuitable men and it was so nice to meet someone I had loads in common with who I could tell would be a kind, engaged, and loving dad (which he now is). It was an old-fashioned dating app, now closed down, where you put detailed information about what you wanted and his desired age range was something like 34-42 (as he didn’t want too large an age gap but did want to try for a baby) which felt like a relief, as a PP said, it can feel like men are avoiding you at this age. Things moved quickly because of our ages and it was Covid, we moved in after just under a year, we started trying after two and our daughter was born at three years after we met, when I was 39. I’m now pregnant again at 41.

I would date extremely intentionally - if you have the money I’d spend it on a good dating agency - and be very clear on both the partner you want and family plans. You want someone who is as or more enthusiastic than you and won’t mess you about. My OH checked on our first date and regularly after that on how much I wanted a family and we always knew how important it was to the other and had a shared goal and timeline. And set yourself a deadline after which you go it alone. Good luck.

My friend met her partner a bit younger than you, they had a whirlwind relationship defined by travel and excitement, then got married fairly quickly due to their ages and wanting children, took several years & IVF. He's not the father she would have wanted for her children, they're not particularly happy, they worked better as a couple when they had more independence and excitement. Kids are tough, I would not want to rush into that with someone. You need time to know that they're the right person to father your children.
I thought I'd have 2 kids by the time I was 30 but even marrying young, my husband and I weren't ready for 5 years to have kids. Our relationship needed that, otherwise I think kids would have broken us.
I think you might need to make the difficult decision on what's the priority for you, having a biological child or having a life partner and commit to that route. Because one of those is relatively time limited, but speak with your clinic to see how much time you might be able to give yourself.

Ok, lots of men want sex and can't have it. So should they seek it out via prostitutes? Or more nefarious means?

We all have urges. But hopefully we all also can say no to ourselves when these urges pose moral conundrums or, are damaging to us or other people. Eg: causing us to end real, tangible, happy relationships.