Starting all over again at 38 and hoping to have a baby.. handhold

[anotherusernamehere]

I think I'm just looking for handhold really.. I posted before about my situation with my partner.. not sure if I've managed to link this properly but I'll try- Page 4 | Please help me decide if I should start again at 38... | Mumsnet

In a nutshell, been together almost 2 years, I really wanted children, he wants them but only in the right relationship and didnt feel ready etc. I have diminished ovarian reserve so might go through early menopause and will likely only get 1 or 2 eggs on any IVF cycle.

We went ahead with all the beginning stages of IVF tests and the like and we're ready to go ahead properly but he has told me 'not ready and knows he can't ask me for any more time to see if he can get there as he might never do. After a lot of painful conversations we've decided to break up.

I've left and gone back to my home (we lived together at his but kept mine). I need to see him at the weekend to get the rest of my stuff.

I'm so heartbroken. I know it gets easier as I've been through this before - basically the same bloody thing - a man who didn't want kids, although this one told me he did at least! But it's so hard to remember that right now. It doesn't feel possible. All I can think about is how I'm not going to have him in my life anymore and I'm giving up on our life. It wasn't perfect though..amongst other things he had ADHD and got stressed easily/argumentative, was messy, lost things etc. I was able and willing to deal with that to be with him.. but I'm trying to focus on the negatives..

I'm going to go ahead and try to create embryos with a sperm donor but obviously now that not be possible to go ahead immediately like it would have with him. I'm not ready to implant/try to get pregnant with one right now though - just try to create frozen embryos for now. I feel like I want to give myself at least another year to see if I meet someone else etc before making that final decision to officially go it alone.

I haven't told the IVF clinic yet about wanting to change to this as I guess I'm still holding out hope of him "changing his mind"? I had mentioned early on it might be this though so I guess they won't be totally shocked...

Grateful for any advice if you've been in this situation.. or just gone through a break up at this age and still hoping to meet your person, or been a single mother.. any advice and hand holds welcome. Literally none of my friends have even been in a break up in this sort of stage (living together, as adults, fully committed), let alone whilst still hoping/wanting to have kids so I feel so alone..

Thanks

Congratulations, Commute. I’m glad things worked out for you. I agree with your advice to women in their late 30s wanting children in general.

But in OP’s specific circumstances I would advise her to start trying for a baby with a sperm donor. I wouldn’t try freezing embryos etc. Just grab the chance of a baby now.

OP, I missed my chance of a baby and have always regretted it. I met DH in our late 40s and we’re very happily married. But there’s always that twinge of grief and loss in the background.

I hope you have your baby and all goes well for both of you xx

My view? Babies/kids are wonderful. Most men are bloody hard work and not worth the candle. If you have the means to go it alone, do that. Rather than waiting around for a man who may love you, and may want to have children with you, and may then turn out to be any use at all in the raising of them - just have a kid, or two, as soon as possible. You'll love them, they'll love you, and you're very unlikely to regret it.

OP you will find plenty of stories of people meeting their loved ones at 38+ and having babies on the internet or hear of someone’s friend of a friend. But personal anecdotes aren’t representative of the wider picture. Stats show that around 1/4 of 45+ women in developed countries are without a child, and the majority are childless not by choice. Infertility accounts for a small proportion of that. By far the most common reason is not meeting the right partner during their fertile years.

I’m not suggesting donor insemination is therefore the way to go, it’s a very complex decision on many fronts.

But don’t make your decisions while wearing rose glasses.

I think find a sperm donor sooner rather than later. You are old enough to know your own mind and ignore the opposers.
Nothing else in life will compare with having your own child, if it doesn't work out at least you tried. Your educated, earning well and have support, I wish you well and hope you get your wish.

Yep - good advice

OP, you have options.
You could look to a sperm donor and go it alone.
You could get yourself out there on the dating scene. I know afew of my friends have had babies in their early forties - it’s doable.
You could look at fostering and adoption.
If motherhood is your calling there are ways and means to make it happen.
Maybe Give it a set amount of time and see what happens, I’ve just seen a post by someone about their male friend who wants to meet someone and have babies, why not message her and ask for info! Xx

OP - if you actually want to have a child, stop wishing you lived in a fairy tale. Stop hoping that someone will tell you that the version of reality you wish to live in - will happen for you.

Is it impossible that you'll meet someone at 38, who is perfect for you AND would want to have a child right away. Of, course it's not impossible. It happens.
Similarly - it's not impossible that you'll win a lottery, or be hit by a lightning.
But something being "possible" is not the same as PROBABLE.

If you want to have a child - you need to accept your reality and work with the situation you are in. Have your IVF now. Unfortunately, this it the only sensible way that will make sure you have a child.

This is such excellent advice.

I am a similar age to OP and I am coming to the realisation that Mr Right might just not be out there. Possible is not the same as probable, you’re right.

Stop arsing around waiting for a fairly tale.

Frozen eggs are not massively successful.

If you do meet a man he might not want a child from the embryos that you're planning.

You either go it alone now or it doesn't happen. Your choice.

In your shoes I’d go it alone. I’m a single mum and very happy. Having my child was the best thing I ever did. I don’t see it as selfish having a child on your own. I wish I’d had the balls to go it alone when I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy in my 40s. I tired to make a relationship that was never meant to culminate in being parents work. Of course it didn’t. I’m much happier being a single mum and don’t feel the need to find a man. I may feel differently when my child is older but I doubt it. I would never have considered adopting or being a foster parent. And still wouldn’t. I’m happy with how things have turned out. Not how I expected my life to go… but is it ever?

When I was your age - I had several friends going through the same realization. Watching them try to date/meet men while hoping for a miracle. Luckily they were smart enough to take matters into their own hands....

Their IVF (and in once case, donor egg) babies are now teenagers. So are my kids, who I had with a man, who seemed perfect at the time. I am now divorced.

Some of my friends found partners later. Some didn't. Many of those who were partnered before babies - are divorced, and now have new partners.

The only constant and permanent important choice in our lives was to have a child. That choice stayed with us....

I met someone at 38 and we starting trying for a baby the following year, unfortunately we ended up taking 4 years to make that happen but my eggs were OK it turned out we both had a blood clotting issue but we sort of had to go through hell to find that out, some women with my particular issue had issues conceiving even in their 20s so I'll never know if the age made it worse. You could well meet someone, are you "good" at dating and attracting nice men, It sounds really big headed and I don't view myself as a model but I seemed to meet a lot of nice guys dating, wheras some women don't. Looking back we did rush into trying for a baby due to biological pressure, it is sheer luck that he turned out to be a keeper and it's only later when you have tough times that you find that out. A lot of people find it out once they go through the stresses that a new baby brings.

This whole "you can't have a child without a father" stuff is ridiculous! Not to say dated.

i would say it's far more damaging for kids to be brought into the world by two parents only for the father to leave and then have no or little contact with their child.

There is no reason that the OP can't have and raise a child herself. She sounds like she would be going into this with her eyes wide open & she is financially independent.

Good luck to you OP if you do decide to go for it!

I think you need to start looking at the situation realistically.

Whether ten people post saying they met a man in the late 30s and went on to have children - it doesn't mean you will. If 10 says then didn't, it doesn't mean you won't.
You don't have certainty over that so other people's experiences are irrelevant.

Right now: You have no man, no baby but you have options. (this is the only certainty right now).

Potentially: You may find a man but depending on the timing - you might have the man but still no baby amd no time left for options.

You can't control having a man or a baby.

Therefore, you need to honestly as yourself- which will you regret more waiting & reducing your options or regret trying for a baby now alone while you still have options.

You also may end up with neither and need to realise that's a possibility too. Do you do all you can to change or let life just happen?
Will you regret not trying to go it along if you don't meet someone?

There's no one who can tell you the right choice for you. It's a really personal decision.

It does appear that you are far more upset about a potential child than the relationship breakdown but that may just be because you wanted to post that way.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Aw @commutemovequeriesyour story is so nice, it is the exact same timeline as me. We met just before lockdown and moved in together quickly. Started TTC at 36, but unfortunately for us this has involved failed ivfx2 and a miscarriage. I’m now 39, and about to start 3 back to back ivf rounds. I say this to show how two very similar stories can go different ways.

OP, if you’re set on having a child I would begin (continue) that journey now. You may indeed meet a great match, but who’s to say that age will be the only factor in your fertility story. Ours is pretty much unexplained (except I’m now older). We may go down the route of donor eggs. I have been thinking about the implications of this for the whole three years we’ve been ttc. If you haven’t already, definitely look at the donor conception network for help with thinking through ethics and implications for donor conceived children. I say this kindly, as I’m considering it myself. It’s just so important to fully understand what you’re choosing for a person’s life.

i really don’t like when people quite flippantly suggest fostering as though it’s an easy thing to do, and as though the op hasn’t thought of it herself. When I first went to my doctor to ask about ivf she suggested I adopt. Her own child’s drawings were on the wall behind her (I asked). It’s just pretty ignorant for a host of complex reasons.

On a side note, I love commutermoves’ dating agency advice.

I really wish posters wouldn't be so evangelical about fostering/adopting. Most children in the system are so damaged by parental neglect/substance abuse that it's one of the hardest things in life you can do. My friend adopted siblings aged 3 years and 18 months and it ripped her marriage to shreds. Both children had serious behavioural/learning difficulties due to Mum's drug taking during pregnancy and there was no support once they'd signed the adoption papers. Their dream rapidly became a living hell.

OP. in my personal experience few men make good Dads. They go out to work and that's the level of their contribution other than the sperm. You can more than manage alone but your biological clock is seriously against you.

And I wish people would stop spewing this 'most kids in foster care are so damaged' baloney.

Some kids have been through serious shit, they may need extra help and support and from the right family for them. But there's nothing to say if you have a kid with a random stranger, the child wouldn't be a psychopath. Mr 'high flying ceo' might look a good baby daddy on paper, but have genetics or predispositions towards cluster b personality disorders. You just don't know.

And any child could develop severe anxieties, OCD, ADHD or all manner of other things, regardless of their past or how good they have had things.

It's always, always a risk. Two kids under the age of 3 who had been through some serious shit was never going to be a walk in the park for your friend.

Humans come with baggage. Thats life. But at least in adopting you can meet them first and do your due diligence. A sperm doners genetics are a complete unknown.

I'd definitely go to the ivf clinic and ask about your options..presumably the first step is using the younger eggs you froze?

I have a few friends who've gone it alone and none of them have regretted it. They've found bits of it hard but so have my friends parenting with other people. They've made really good "villages" for themselves and they are happy with their choices. I have a couple more friends now going for it so it's becoming more and more common.

We were together 5 years before having a child and honestly I wish we'd been able to have 10 or 8 years of time with just the two of us (but didn’t want to hang around due to age). It's good now but was pretty tough for a bit when DS was younger and it made me realise you need a good foundation and shared experience to parent from. One or two years really isn't enough unless you are very lucky. I think you are better off having a child and then in 5 or 10 years you might find someone you want to be in a relationship with.

Thanks for this. Yes, I would say I'm "good" at dating.. always found lots of decent men and never had any bad experiences because I was so tight with my filters and the guys I would chat to.. although I guess the last time I was doing it, I was 36 so I've no idea what sort of luck I'll have at 38.. I look younger ha but that won't help on a dating app where someone has put in an age restriction I guess..

Thanks. I don't want to touch the younger eggs right now.. I think I want to save them in hopes of using with a future partner if I found the right one. I guess if I got to the stage of wanting to get pregnant now then I'd use the younger ones too if necessary but I still see them as a last resort/last hope...

I would consider adopting/fostering in future if I got to the stage of not being able to have children and looked into it thoroughly and felt it was suitable for me/any child.

Re genetics and sperm donation, you do know that they are genetically tested for various things and also their mental health history/family history etc.. so it's probably on a par with dating someone in that sense. (Other, much bigger issues aside)

The IVF has given you a breathing space OP so don't panic. Be available for a new relationship and see how it goes - desperation and need don't usually lead to the best decisions. It doesn't really matter how many people's lives turn out the way you want yours too so don't worry too much about the happy-ending success stories either!
Best of luck to you.

Agree

I couldn't agree more, especially the last part.

Did you adopt, or did you foster?