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Original poster

Starting all over again at 38 and hoping to have a baby.. handhold

88 replies

anotherusernamehere · 02/04/2025 10:40

I think I'm just looking for handhold really.. I posted before about my situation with my partner.. not sure if I've managed to link this properly but I'll try- Page 4 | Please help me decide if I should start again at 38... | Mumsnet

In a nutshell, been together almost 2 years, I really wanted children, he wants them but only in the right relationship and didnt feel ready etc. I have diminished ovarian reserve so might go through early menopause and will likely only get 1 or 2 eggs on any IVF cycle.

We went ahead with all the beginning stages of IVF tests and the like and we're ready to go ahead properly but he has told me 'not ready and knows he can't ask me for any more time to see if he can get there as he might never do. After a lot of painful conversations we've decided to break up.

I've left and gone back to my home (we lived together at his but kept mine). I need to see him at the weekend to get the rest of my stuff.

I'm so heartbroken. I know it gets easier as I've been through this before - basically the same bloody thing - a man who didn't want kids, although this one told me he did at least! But it's so hard to remember that right now. It doesn't feel possible. All I can think about is how I'm not going to have him in my life anymore and I'm giving up on our life. It wasn't perfect though..amongst other things he had ADHD and got stressed easily/argumentative, was messy, lost things etc. I was able and willing to deal with that to be with him.. but I'm trying to focus on the negatives..

I'm going to go ahead and try to create embryos with a sperm donor but obviously now that not be possible to go ahead immediately like it would have with him. I'm not ready to implant/try to get pregnant with one right now though - just try to create frozen embryos for now. I feel like I want to give myself at least another year to see if I meet someone else etc before making that final decision to officially go it alone.

I haven't told the IVF clinic yet about wanting to change to this as I guess I'm still holding out hope of him "changing his mind"? I had mentioned early on it might be this though so I guess they won't be totally shocked...

Grateful for any advice if you've been in this situation.. or just gone through a break up at this age and still hoping to meet your person, or been a single mother.. any advice and hand holds welcome. Literally none of my friends have even been in a break up in this sort of stage (living together, as adults, fully committed), let alone whilst still hoping/wanting to have kids so I feel so alone..

Thanks

Page 4 | Please help me decide if I should start again at 38... | Mumsnet

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed and feel there's a lot needed to get the full picture. Sorry in advance. Also sorry if I come across ver...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5246252-please-help-me-decide-if-i-should-start-again-at-38?page=4&reply=141188609

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 19/11/2025 20:33

anotherusernamehere · 02/04/2025 11:26

The idea of dating whilst trying to have a baby with a sperm donor seems crazy, no? Surely it's easier to find a man who would still want to get married and have children with me than a man who wants to date someone going through the process of IVF with a sperm donor, trying to get pregnant etc?

Show quote history

Very hard to say.
The only certainty is what you actually do and can control. Do you have a good support network? Personally I wanted kids more than anything so would just crack on. Without trying to be awfully negative, many relationships dont work out after children anyway!

Praying4Peace · 19/11/2025 20:52

anotherusernamehere · 02/04/2025 11:25

I have been tbf.. I spent 2 years studying for a professional qualification and completed that at the end of last year, getting a 55% payrise - so I can finally afford the embryo freezing and, if needed, to be a single parent. So it's not been the only thing in my life. I have great friends and family too.. but I do take this point.. I guess if I don't become a mum then maybe I'd focus even more on my career and change employers etc and see if that fulfils me? I don't know..

Show quote history

Please take care of yourself OP. Step by step and single parenthood isn't just about being financially OK.
Lots to consider

Praying4Peace · 19/11/2025 20:56

anotherusernamehere · 02/04/2025 11:25

I have been tbf.. I spent 2 years studying for a professional qualification and completed that at the end of last year, getting a 55% payrise - so I can finally afford the embryo freezing and, if needed, to be a single parent. So it's not been the only thing in my life. I have great friends and family too.. but I do take this point.. I guess if I don't become a mum then maybe I'd focus even more on my career and change employers etc and see if that fulfils me? I don't know..

Show quote history

Please take care of yourself OP. Step by step and single parenthood isn't just about being financially OK.
Lots to consider

Praying4Peace · 19/11/2025 20:59

FenellaFurchester · 03/04/2025 18:11

I think you should go for it with donor sperm.

I try to live my life by the ‘big rocks and sand’ analogy, I had my son in far less than perfect circumstances (it could have been considered pretty reckless really) but having a child was by ‘biggest rock’ and everything else (the sand) just fell into place and moved around that.

Disagree that your child should become your rock. You are the adult and parent.
As for sperm donation, that is selfish and inconsiderate.
What about the best interests of the child?

Praying4Peace · 19/11/2025 21:01

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 02/04/2025 15:42

Congratulations, Commute. I’m glad things worked out for you. I agree with your advice to women in their late 30s wanting children in general.

But in OP’s specific circumstances I would advise her to start trying for a baby with a sperm donor. I wouldn’t try freezing embryos etc. Just grab the chance of a baby now.

OP, I missed my chance of a baby and have always regretted it. I met DH in our late 40s and we’re very happily married. But there’s always that twinge of grief and loss in the background.

I hope you have your baby and all goes well for both of you xx

Show quote history

Would you have considered adoption?

Nightlight8 · 19/11/2025 21:10

Sodthesystem · 02/04/2025 10:54

I'll never understand why people throw away their partners for non existent people. Or spend their lives getting into a state about non existent children. Imo, that's an obsession, not a dream.

Obsessions should be treated with therapy to get to the bottom of why they are governing you. Not pursued and encouraged.

People will say 'oh but it's only natural to want kids'. It's only natural to want to win the lottery too! But if that desire is making your life fall to shit, it's time to drop it and do something else.

TBF, it sounds like maybe he wasn't worth hanging onto anyway. But, you're only this age once, don't let obsession about what you don't have take enjoying these years away from you.

Decide on some other dreams too so that if kids don't happen, it's not a huge, all consuming deal.

Do you have kids yourself?

Praying4Peace · 19/11/2025 21:10

starrynight009 · 05/04/2025 20:15

Different circumstances but I found myself breaking up with my partner at 38 whilst pregnant for the first time. He then decided to not be involved and we haven't see him for years. I can truly and honestly say that I have absolutely loved being a single mum. Parenting isn't easy for anyone, but I've found the years I've spent raising my daughter on my own nothing short of magical. You have to be smart with money and you have to find an understanding employer and things like that but...in a different life if my choice had been go it alone or not have a child at all...now knowing what I know about how I'd cope...I would have absolutely gone for it alone and had a baby.

And I have now found the man of my dreams. We're both single parents (his boys are quite grown up now) and we're planning to move in together soon after dating for over 4 years. The fact we were both single parents made us go slow so we've really gotten to know each other. The fact that I had a bigger priority allowed me to be fussy.

I'm not going to tell you what to do but I think you need to ask yourself would you forever regret leaving it too late to at least try for a baby?

Thank you. I am pleased to hear that your experience of single parenthood is positive.
For many it isn't. I was very lonely and struggled financially. This was despite working ft and having lots of friends
None of this affects my ability to love my child but it is important that single parenthood isn't glorified through rose tinted specs

Nightlight8 · 19/11/2025 21:14

Fertility issues aside. As a single mum to 1 child it is not easy to meet someone. At 38 by the time you got to know someone you potentially meet OP you would be 40ish. I would not hang around if you want to be a mum. Good luck @anotherusernamehere

MrsPositivity1 · 19/11/2025 21:19

@anotherusernamehere I think you should start looking at sperm donation so when you make your mind up you can start straight away. Good luck

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 19/11/2025 22:11

One of my good friends went it alone and it has worked out so well for her. She has a wonderful community of family and friends around her. Of course it is hard being a solo parent sometimes, when the child is sick, when she has to make big decisions on her own. But she knows she wouks have been miserable if she hadn’t done it. The child has two very important uncle figures in her life, and grandparents and cousins.

mondaytosunday · 20/11/2025 00:13

This thread is months old - OP did you go ahead with anything?
I met my DH at 39. We married at 40 and I got pregnant right away, eventually having two children. So no fertility issues but I of course did not know that at the time. I had, before I met him, considered whether I would go it alone and decided to give one last big effort to finding a partner after breaking up with someone at age 38. I joined an introduction agency (not online) and my DH was the 13th man I met. So ultimately I didn’t have to make that decision and after having kids and understanding how hard it can be I thought I couldn’t have done it on my own.
But life has its own unexpected path and sadly my DH died suddenly when my children were 4 and 6, so I did end up bringing them up on my own in the end. I have not met anyone new. My children are 20 and 22 now. It has been very very hard, though fortunately money has not been a big worry as I got life insurance and equity from our house and some money when my parents passed away.
OP I think there’s every possibility of meeting someone if you put yourself in a position to make give it the best chance. And also it is harder to meet someone if you have a baby or young child. But a partner is not just a sperm donor - presumably you want all the rest too. It’s tough and biologically unfair that men can wait but women can’t.
I do think breaking up with your ex was the right thing though. He couldn’t ultimately commit to you and I think if you hadn’t been up against falling fertility you would have broken up with him already.

FenellaFurchester · 29/11/2025 20:11

Praying4Peace · 19/11/2025 20:59

Disagree that your child should become your rock. You are the adult and parent.
As for sperm donation, that is selfish and inconsiderate.
What about the best interests of the child?

Show quote history

You have misunderstood the analogy.

carly2803 · 29/11/2025 21:26

anotherusernamehere · 02/04/2025 12:08

sorry I'm not sure what you mean? Crack on trying to meet someone new or with a sperm donor?

Show quote history

do it alone - the idea of waiting to find "the one" at this age (i mean that kindly)! is hard and may not happen

would you rather miss the boat to have kids?

single parenting is HARD, but I would do it anyday of the week to ensure i had kids

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