Considering contact with Father I have not met.

aredrosegrewup · 2025-04-01T14:32:31+00:00

Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I could only find a family planning section rather than a family section. I guess I'm after advice/stories from those who have considered or have actually gone through with locating and contacting a parent. My story is that I have no memory of my father as he left when I was a baby. My mother was young when she had me. I don't know much information other than his name and an old address. The only reason I know the old address is because it was on a child support letter that I found as a teenager. I don't know anything about him as everybody has refused to give me information over the years. We are a family that don't communicate or have hard conversations - big back story, won't go into it here yet. It's been playing on my mind a while now, I'm currently going through infertility/multiple pregnancy losses and started seeing a psychologist in January for therapy relating to the infertility/anxiety/depression etc... Due to all of the above, I have a lot on my mind, but this is currently at the forefront. I *think* I have found him on facebook, but I'm not 100% sure. Can anyone offer advice/experience/anything? Thank you for reading.

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 15:34

I have a similar situation. I contacted my dad and regretted it very quickly.
my mum was abusive to me and told me that my dad was abusive to her so she left. I thought she was lying because she was abusive to me.
I found out that it was true, he was an abuser and birds of a feather fly together

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:35

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 15:34

I have a similar situation. I contacted my dad and regretted it very quickly.
my mum was abusive to me and told me that my dad was abusive to her so she left. I thought she was lying because she was abusive to me.
I found out that it was true, he was an abuser and birds of a feather fly together

Thank you for sharing. That must have been difficult to discover.

OP posts:

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 15:37

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:35

Thank you for sharing. That must have been difficult to discover.

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Yes. There was a twist though. He wasn’t abusive immediately when I reached out. He fed me significant lies that I happened to uncover within a few weeks. He was abusive in a number of ways whilst pretending to be nice. It all unravelled really quickly.
the whole thing from start to finish was about a month. But I am still recovering from the effects of the abuse that happened in a short time frame

ARichtGoodDram · 01/04/2025 15:40

I think before you do it you need to work out two things.

What damage will it do you if he ignores or rejects your contact?

What are you looking for from him in terms of relationship if he does want to be in contact?

For example a friend of mine got in touch with her long lost dad and he wanted a full on relationship - birthdays, Christmas, an opinion on everything, and family expectations like he had with his other children. But he hadn't walked away from his other child and it really damaged her mental health that he had actually been a really good father to children not much younger than her but had never ever bothered with her.

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:44

ARichtGoodDram · 01/04/2025 15:40

I think before you do it you need to work out two things.

What damage will it do you if he ignores or rejects your contact?

What are you looking for from him in terms of relationship if he does want to be in contact?

For example a friend of mine got in touch with her long lost dad and he wanted a full on relationship - birthdays, Christmas, an opinion on everything, and family expectations like he had with his other children. But he hadn't walked away from his other child and it really damaged her mental health that he had actually been a really good father to children not much younger than her but had never ever bothered with her.

I guess at the moment I don't have any expectations. I don't feel like I want to make contact and expect 'happy families'.

I think it's the unknown that's most bothersome for me. I think I just want to know what happened once and for all with no expectations. I think I'm worried about never doing it and regretting it.

OP posts:

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:45

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 15:37

Yes. There was a twist though. He wasn’t abusive immediately when I reached out. He fed me significant lies that I happened to uncover within a few weeks. He was abusive in a number of ways whilst pretending to be nice. It all unravelled really quickly.
the whole thing from start to finish was about a month. But I am still recovering from the effects of the abuse that happened in a short time frame

Edited

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Sorry to hear that. Do you regret contacting him?

OP posts:

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 15:45

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:44

I guess at the moment I don't have any expectations. I don't feel like I want to make contact and expect 'happy families'.

I think it's the unknown that's most bothersome for me. I think I just want to know what happened once and for all with no expectations. I think I'm worried about never doing it and regretting it.

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If there is info out there about him why don’t you do some internet stalking and draw your own conclusions about his character.
If you reach out he might lie to you about events. Mine did

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:46

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 15:37

Yes. There was a twist though. He wasn’t abusive immediately when I reached out. He fed me significant lies that I happened to uncover within a few weeks. He was abusive in a number of ways whilst pretending to be nice. It all unravelled really quickly.
the whole thing from start to finish was about a month. But I am still recovering from the effects of the abuse that happened in a short time frame

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Sorry, you already said in your first reply that you regretted it.

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LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 15:48

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:45

Sorry to hear that. Do you regret contacting him?

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I wanted to know about him, I wondered about him throughout my childhood. Like you I was also curious.
If he is the type to leave a woman when she has a baby, he’s not a good character and is unlikely to be now.
think about why he didn’t try to find and reach out to you?

HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 15:51

I could have written most of your post OP. I chose to look and I found him as well as some other family members. We exchanged some letters, some of which I didn’t like the tone of and I pulled back somewhat. His family were also very full on.

A year or so later I got the call to say he had died. Attended the funeral and was happy I went, but chose not to have contact with his family afterwards for various reasons.

I sometimes regret not going to meet him when he was alive but I think it was probably for the best. At least I have some answers now.

Hope this all works out for you OP x

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:52

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 15:48

I wanted to know about him, I wondered about him throughout my childhood. Like you I was also curious.
If he is the type to leave a woman when she has a baby, he’s not a good character and is unlikely to be now.
think about why he didn’t try to find and reach out to you?

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There's not alot of info online. Again, I'm not 100% sure it's him, I'm quite confident, but not fully.

This is the trouble, I know nothing about him because nobody will tell me anything, therefore I can't come to any conclusions.

It's a pain, that's for sure!

OP posts:

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:55

HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 15:51

I could have written most of your post OP. I chose to look and I found him as well as some other family members. We exchanged some letters, some of which I didn’t like the tone of and I pulled back somewhat. His family were also very full on.

A year or so later I got the call to say he had died. Attended the funeral and was happy I went, but chose not to have contact with his family afterwards for various reasons.

I sometimes regret not going to meet him when he was alive but I think it was probably for the best. At least I have some answers now.

Hope this all works out for you OP x

Thank you for sharing!

I think that's the worry, that I might regret not doing it more than I regret doing it. Even if it turns out to be shit, at least it was on my terms.

Did you know anything at all about him beforehand? How did you initiate contact? If you don't midnight sharing.

OP posts:

HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 16:17

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:55

Thank you for sharing!

I think that's the worry, that I might regret not doing it more than I regret doing it. Even if it turns out to be shit, at least it was on my terms.

Did you know anything at all about him beforehand? How did you initiate contact? If you don't midnight sharing.

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I knew very little about him other than his name and where his hometown was. I started looking and found someone who he had worked for, who put me in touch with someone else who knew the family and tracked him down that way. I was also trying to get info from the Red Cross and Defence Forces at the same time.

And from my experience I agree with you, it’s the not knowing that was the worst. Even though in my situation it didn’t end with a big new happy family, that’s not what I was expecting at all, I just wanted answers and I got some.

Im glad I pursued it OP and hope it works out if you decide to.

Any ideas on how you might confirm if this person on FB could be your father?

PurpleQualityStreet99 · 01/04/2025 16:27

This isn’t an easy situation and I think you need to be prepared for all outcomes. Can you talk to your Psychologist about this? They can help you prepare yourself for what happens or managing the not knowing?
I made contact with the dad who left when I was a toddler, before the internet. My mum hated him and made him out to be a dreadful person. I wrote to him first (he had a business so address was listed) and he rang me and we chatted for a bit. Then invited me to meet his family (wife and step kids).
They were all lovely. We had a few years of growing close, but I think his new wife was jealous of his past life. He had a lot of guilt about an affair which is why he left my mum and not seeing me grow up. I don’t think having me around as a reminder was helping his marriage.
He phoned me one day to say he wasn’t able to attend an event but we’d catch up soon and I never heard from him again. Calls and letters went unanswered as well as messages on fb over the years. Never seen him since. That was the hardest part. He’s still alive and tagged in fb posts but doesn’t want or isn’t able to have a relationship with me (I do know I’m not the reason for that!).
There are lots of pitfalls and things don’t often have a happy ending. So if you’re not feeling robust right now I’d wait until you can deal with whatever may happen better.

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 16:28

HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 16:17

I knew very little about him other than his name and where his hometown was. I started looking and found someone who he had worked for, who put me in touch with someone else who knew the family and tracked him down that way. I was also trying to get info from the Red Cross and Defence Forces at the same time.

And from my experience I agree with you, it’s the not knowing that was the worst. Even though in my situation it didn’t end with a big new happy family, that’s not what I was expecting at all, I just wanted answers and I got some.

Im glad I pursued it OP and hope it works out if you decide to.

Any ideas on how you might confirm if this person on FB could be your father?

Show quote history

Thank you!

I guess the only days I have at the minute are just to message and ask if it's him. Or to contact the house I know he used to live in. Or to contact his family members on his Facebook first, but not sure that would be the best route.

If its not him on Facebook, then I think the only thing I could do is contact the people who live in the house he used to live in, I'm not sure if it's still his family who live there.

Without trying to be too outing, he did serve in one of our forces, not sure if there's any contact to be made there.

OP posts:

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 16:32

PurpleQualityStreet99 · 01/04/2025 16:27

This isn’t an easy situation and I think you need to be prepared for all outcomes. Can you talk to your Psychologist about this? They can help you prepare yourself for what happens or managing the not knowing?
I made contact with the dad who left when I was a toddler, before the internet. My mum hated him and made him out to be a dreadful person. I wrote to him first (he had a business so address was listed) and he rang me and we chatted for a bit. Then invited me to meet his family (wife and step kids).
They were all lovely. We had a few years of growing close, but I think his new wife was jealous of his past life. He had a lot of guilt about an affair which is why he left my mum and not seeing me grow up. I don’t think having me around as a reminder was helping his marriage.
He phoned me one day to say he wasn’t able to attend an event but we’d catch up soon and I never heard from him again. Calls and letters went unanswered as well as messages on fb over the years. Never seen him since. That was the hardest part. He’s still alive and tagged in fb posts but doesn’t want or isn’t able to have a relationship with me (I do know I’m not the reason for that!).
There are lots of pitfalls and things don’t often have a happy ending. So if you’re not feeling robust right now I’d wait until you can deal with whatever may happen better.

Thank you for sharing!

That must have been hard for you after getting to know him for a while. It's very complex isn't it.

I'm definitely going to dedicate some specific time in therapy for it, just need to prioritise this bloody anxiety first!

I agree, it could end up being hard so I need to be prepared for it.

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PurpleQualityStreet99 · 01/04/2025 16:36

It is really complex! I’m glad I met him, if only to disprove my mums narrative. He’s a good person and I’m ok with not have a relationship with him. I don’t think it’s his choice which makes it easier.
At least I know now. I’d painted a picture in my head through years of not knowing and this wasn’t true. Best of luck!

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 16:44

PurpleQualityStreet99 · 01/04/2025 16:36

It is really complex! I’m glad I met him, if only to disprove my mums narrative. He’s a good person and I’m ok with not have a relationship with him. I don’t think it’s his choice which makes it easier.
At least I know now. I’d painted a picture in my head through years of not knowing and this wasn’t true. Best of luck!

Again, thank you for sharing. All angles are really helpful!

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Newgirls · 01/04/2025 16:50

I think discuss with your therapist before you do anything. Are you looking for ‘someone to look after you’ as you’ve been going through so much? A therapist can help you unravel all this and help you manage if and when you do meet him

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 16:54

Newgirls · 01/04/2025 16:50

I think discuss with your therapist before you do anything. Are you looking for ‘someone to look after you’ as you’ve been going through so much? A therapist can help you unravel all this and help you manage if and when you do meet him

Yeah I'll definitely have that discussion. I don't think it's that, although when I read it worded like that just there it did make me feel sad! I think it's the raw feelings that have been recently brought up after burying them away for so long.

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HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 17:09

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 16:28

Thank you!

I guess the only days I have at the minute are just to message and ask if it's him. Or to contact the house I know he used to live in. Or to contact his family members on his Facebook first, but not sure that would be the best route.

If its not him on Facebook, then I think the only thing I could do is contact the people who live in the house he used to live in, I'm not sure if it's still his family who live there.

Without trying to be too outing, he did serve in one of our forces, not sure if there's any contact to be made there.

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Well they’re all good places to start if you do pursue this.

The Defence Forces refused to give me any information as all I had was a name, I didn’t know what years he served, his rank etc so they weren’t able to help me.

HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 17:11

PurpleQualityStreet99 · 01/04/2025 16:36

It is really complex! I’m glad I met him, if only to disprove my mums narrative. He’s a good person and I’m ok with not have a relationship with him. I don’t think it’s his choice which makes it easier.
At least I know now. I’d painted a picture in my head through years of not knowing and this wasn’t true. Best of luck!

My goodness, that’s so difficult. I’m so sorry with how it turned out for you. You seem incredibly strong and at peace with it though which I’m really glad to read.

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 17:12

HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 17:09

Well they’re all good places to start if you do pursue this.

The Defence Forces refused to give me any information as all I had was a name, I didn’t know what years he served, his rank etc so they weren’t able to help me.

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Did they say they would have if you had more information? I think I know his rank and which tour he served on etc... I don't have his date of birth that's the only thing.

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Newgirls · 01/04/2025 17:23

raw feelings will bubble up now as you consider being a parent yourself. It’s a lot. Def get the therapy x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2025 17:24

Salvation Army have a family tracing service so I would contact them.