Considering contact with Father I have not met.

[aredrosegrewup]

Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I could only find a family planning section rather than a family section.

I guess I'm after advice/stories from those who have considered or have actually gone through with locating and contacting a parent.

My story is that I have no memory of my father as he left when I was a baby. My mother was young when she had me. I don't know much information other than his name and an old address. The only reason I know the old address is because it was on a child support letter that I found as a teenager.

I don't know anything about him as everybody has refused to give me information over the years. We are a family that don't communicate or have hard conversations - big back story, won't go into it here yet.

It's been playing on my mind a while now, I'm currently going through infertility/multiple pregnancy losses and started seeing a psychologist in January for therapy relating to the infertility/anxiety/depression etc...

Due to all of the above, I have a lot on my mind, but this is currently at the forefront.

I think I have found him on facebook, but I'm not 100% sure.

Can anyone offer advice/experience/anything?

Thank you for reading.

@aredrosegrewup I am glad I found out more about him, even though he didn't respond to me, yes. In a way it cemented my feeling that my stepfather, who brought me up, was my "real" father, because this man was clearly a twat and not really worth bothering about. When I contacted the bio father I even told him that I had recently had a child, and thought that this might create some interest, but...nothing.

The relatives I have been in contact with via Ancestry (his cousins) don't seem to be in contact with him and, reading between the lines, I don't think he is much admired in the family (I didn't ask them for any details about him though). His sister also probably knows about me, looking at her own Ancestry DNA matches she would see me at the top or near the top, but she hasn't bothered contacting me.

I know someone who traced a birth father , did not like him but has built good relationships with his kids
so may not be the outcome you expect but could still be positive

personally I think it’s important to get medical info as this could be important , doctors often ask me about my dads medical issues as they have an impact on how they deal with mine

i would start with writing all the possible outcomes and thinking through how you would feel about each one
like the poster above who found out he was a lovely dad to kids a bit younger or more serious shit like he’s got convictions for hurting kids
also be clear on what you want from this
do you want a grovelling apology , casual contact , regular meet ups , one off meeting where he answers your questions ?

Not my father - however my parent is adopted and they have now found birth family. I've supported them because they want contact but I have chosen to not be in contact myself or my children as I'm happy with my life and once you start contact it often hard to close again if something goes wrong. yes - there can be positives but not worth it for me.

I don’t have time to reply fully but will come back later. In brief, I did it and it brought nothing to my life, except perhaps even more anger towards him. We’re no longer in contact, this time my decision to walk away.

Thank you for sharing. I do feel like regret is one of the main reasons I'm considering pursuing this. Along with, as I've probably already said, just the unknown. I'm glad you don't have any regrets and it reads as though you were able to walk away on your terms this time.

It's good that you are able to to consider your step father to be your real father, I imagine that really helps with the whole situation.

Unfortunately I was dealt the double whammy so to speak, my step father is a controlling, emotionally abusive arsehole and my mother along with her emotional abuse, allowed his behaviour towards me to continue. I think that is also part of the reason of wanting to make contact - not sure if it's a healthy reason, but it's there.

Yeah I think going in with clear intentions and boundaries is important. I like your idea of writing down all possible outcomes. Thank you.

My parents divorced when I was a baby and I’ve never met my father or his side of the family. My mum has given me information she knows but only up to that time. They divorced due to his affair and he had another child not long after me.
There was no contact with me and I remember as a child my mum having to constantly fight for maintenance. On my 18th birthday I received a letter from him through his solicitors, it said awful things which I won’t go into here but along the lines of he didn’t see me as a human being or that I was worthy of his time. It took me years to get over this but I got to a stage where I didn't think about him at all. I don’t need to meet him, know him or get answers. I am completely at peace with this. He could have died by now and I don’t need to know.

Then his other child attempted contact recently, they didn’t know they had the right person and it was a reaching out message. This brought it all back like a freight train and I was surprised how much it affected me. I chose not to respond, I have no ill feeling towards this person but it was obvious from the message they’ve had a life with a loving father. I’m not sure what narrative they’ve been told and I know if I responded the only person that would be negatively affected would be me. I then got a rather stroppy message because I didn’t respond. I don’t need this in my life. I am still at peace with my decision but it’s taken some more soul searching to come to this stage

This is what I advise you do, really think what you want from this. Could you cope if it was worse case scenario or would any answers be worth it. I really feel for you, it isn’t a situation I’d wish on anyone.

Thank you. If you do get the chance, I would appreciate hearing a more detailed story.

I think @Blistory is correct. Unless there were very exceptional circumstances at the time an absent father is likely a poor excuse for a human.

I do understand the curiosity though. I too have had no contact with my father since I was a baby (his choice). I did a bit of digging online and thanks to a close relative of his who is in to family history I now have a basic family tree and have seen some photos of family members. I am reassured that I do not have any half siblings and I do not need to make contact with my father.

It is so incredibly easy to locate and contact people nowadays that if your father wanted to contact you he probably would have done so by now. It should not be the child having to make the effort.

Thank you for sharing and talking about something that has been awful for you, I really appreciate that! That's unfair of his other chikd to get stroppy with you, as though they're entitled to an answer.

I think at the moment and how I'm feeling I would just like some answers either way, but I do appreciate that I have to be ready for that.

Be careful what you wish for. To leave a child and never look back takes a certain type of person. You could unravel more heartbreak for yourself. If I was going to look anywhere for answers, I’d push my own family first and probably see a therapist to help unpick this, before you possibly open a can of worms x

Thank you for replying. I think the issue for me is, because my family have not told me anything, I don't know anything about the circumstances. They were both young when they had me - teens. Which I think adds another complex layer.

I have no idea if he was told to never contact me or anything like that. He was technically a child when I was born, something about that makes me, rightly or wrongly, want to have a bit more of an open mind?

I totally appreciate what you're saying. Pushing my family more isn't really an option at the minute, I've tried in the past and their unwillingness to tell me anything just adds to the stress of it all. I'd rather they didn't know I was doing this at all to be honest. I'm already seeing a therapist, so will definitely have this discussion.

I'd tread carefully if you have a good relationship with your Mum. There could be a reason your mother struggles to open up about this (DV, rape). Your relationship with your Dad could cause her to back away. I'm not saying this is the case or that is what will happen but it is a possibility.

I don't have a good relationship with her. Her and my step dad were emotionally abusive and we have a forced, strained relationship now. They're not currently aware I'm having therapy etc... obviously I can't be 100% certain that those sorts of things didn't happen but from the vanishingly small amount of information I have, I don't think it was the case.

@aredrosegrewupMy son has no contact with his Dad and that is because he is extremely abusive. He is a physically and mentally dangerous person, who has scattered children everywhere, abandoned women, left other people bankrupt, smashed up homes and cars- left a wave of destruction behind him everywhere he goes. I had years of therapy after my relationship with him. He is just not safe.
I get your need for answers though - and I have always answered anything my Son has asked- in the hope of mitigating what you currently feel x

My bio father would never have been able to find me if he had wanted to, so I did think there was a chance he might want contact when he heard from me, but no.

I have no idea about the circumstances except for the fact that they were both teenagers, and that my mother lied to the adoption agency when my stepfather adopted me, saying that the bio father had "left the country' and so could not be contacted, which wasn't true. She did give the correct name for him though.

My mother and stepfather have no idea that I know he isn't my bio father. I have left it that way since I found out accidentally when I was 15 and I am not going to rock the boat now, nearly 50 years later.

@Blistory there just wasn't the shared history for me to overlook how unlikeable I found him.

@aredrosegrewup maybe your dad won't be unlikeable, but the key point I forgot to emphasize in my post is what Blistory says here. Without any shared history, it's really hard to build a relationship as an adult. It put A LOT of pressure on my contact with my birth dad because it was literally all we had in common, the biological link. He just wanted to talk about 'us' - this actually felt creepy on a certain level but also there was no 'us' at that point - we didn't even know each other. I had the feeling that anyone at all who turned up would have received the same response and it was nothing to do with actually who I was as an individual. I wasn't expecting this and it was a bit destabilising somehow too. I was meeting a need for him (he was also adopted) as you might be for your father (I'm such a good person, of course she came to find me) but you may get the feeling it's nothing to do with you personally.

You do hear stories about people recognising an instant link when they meet a biological relative but I didn't find this. Speaking to him on the phone was like speaking to maybe an uncle? Or a friend from school you haven't seen in thirty years or so - great to catch up but no need to speak every day. I was ready for the conversation to draw to a close.

All of this sounds horrible to write down but I hope it gives you something to think about that is useful.

No, I really appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share. It's much easier to look at the situation as a whole with a lot more examples. People have shared a lot and its been helpful definitely!

I think I can imagine how that would feel for you, for him to try and join you both together like that instantly when there's no connection to start from.

I agree with this.

It's all so complex isn't it. I understand why you wouldn't want to rock the boat now.

This can often be a generational thing also. My parents divorced when I was about 8. My dad then moved to America, remarried and started a new family. He did make contact for a while and sent financial support but eventually this all stopped.

When I met my husband, he was keen to reach out to my dad, because he felt that I must be very like my dad because I am very different to the rest of my family (there most probably is some truth in that), but I did not want to.

Recently my sister said that she wanted to make contact and could we do it together. Again I said I did not want to. She managed to track him down on social media, I am not on any social media, myself, except obviously MN. She asked me if I would compose the email. I said I wouldn’t, I also told her that I didn’t think she should do it because he is old now and has adult children and grandchildren and I felt that the decision would overall be theirs now.

Anyway, then it was left, I thought, but my mum has recently told me that my sister did reach out and as I thought his adult children had made contact and told her that they did not want to have contact. Obviously my sister has not told me about this. One day I will ask her if she contacted them. I suppose she feels a little bit bad because I told her exactly how it would end. It’s not a matter of ‘I told you so’ though, she and I are not like that.

Why did I not want to make contact? For me personally I am and always have been content with my life and I couldn’t really see what trying to make contact would bring. Luckily mum and grandmother answered all the questions I had about him and their relationship so there are no hidden issues or feelings. I’m fine with that.

This is a long one…..Now to the next generation!
Me and my DDs dad split up when she was 3. He was a cheat and a lazy good for nothing, and I’m putting it mildly. In all of her life he has given £30 towards her upbringing. She is now in her 30s. Thankfully he wasn’t violent so no DV. I was glad to that he was out of our life and that I wasn’t part of his harem. But I never poisoned my DDs mind against him. About five years ago she said she wanted to make contact (she hadn’t seen him for about 25 years). I did all the digging and found him and left it to her. She is now in contact with him and all of his other children and they meet up for family occasions with the kids and spouses. I don’t get involved but I am happy for DD.

One thing I would say is that it was important for me that my daughter did not know the full details of my relationship with her dad. She was a child when we split up and from her perspective there is no baggage. And no, I do not consider this lying to her. It could have gone both ways. I do occasionally ask my grandchildren what is grandad like and they say they like him and that he is funny. He in my opinion is a very lucky man!

Ok, I’m back with a bit more time. Long story still quite long, my Dad walked out for the OW when I was 3 months old, without a backward glance. Lots of shitty moves ensued, agreed to continue paying the mortgage on our house, then suddenly stopped after 3 years with no word so we were evicted. Transferred his business into OW’s name and paid himself a pittance salary to minimise maintenance payments. Meanwhile married OW and had a Son. Tropical holidays, private school, everything he could want while we lived in a council house on benefits. At the time (80s) there was still a single parent family stigma where we lived so I experienced some bullying related to that.

When I was about 16 his parents died and left me a little money in their will, as they did for all their grandchildren. He as executor made no effort to find me, so his Brother did. I met my Uncle & cousin, then was offered to meet him. Curiosity drove me to it, and followed a series of awkward days out, first with him then him & his (awful) Wife who never hid her absolute hatred for me. They’d tell me all about what my half-brother was getting for Christmas while I received a token card with £50 in it, one year. He had to drop me off up the street from our house as his Wife wouldn’t allow him to stop the car outside (presumably in case my Mum came out and tried to lure him back?!?)

When I was 19 it was decided I should meet my then 17 year old brother. It was planned I’d go for the weekend. They told him I existed the day before I arrived. To say it didn’t go down well would be quite an understatement.

These awful awkward intermittent meetings limped on for a couple of years until the relationship with my half-bother and I had its own legs, at which time I decided I’d had enough of our parent. I had no feelings but anger for him, how he’d treated me, how’d he robbed both of us of a possible sibling relationship. I cut contact and have only seen him once since, at half-brother’s wedding. I politely blanked him throughout.

Half brother and I have built a nice relationship which is the only aspect of meeting him that I don’t regret. No shared childhood experience but an affection for each other none the less. The subject of our Dad simply isn’t discussed, nor does he discuss me with our Dad. We see each other a few times a year. He was a witness at our wedding.

My Dads wife (the OW) passed away a few years ago and I hear on the family grapevine that he’s since been lamenting his mistakes, crying, claiming he doesn’t understand why I don’t speak to him(!), using his Girlfriends social media to stalk mine etc. Got wind that I have a baby Son and sending messages through cousins that ‘Grandad loves him’. As far as I’m concerned it’s simply all come 40 years too late and if anything having my Son has only deepened my utter disdain for the type of Man that can walk out on his infant. He will never meet my Son. He doesn’t deserve to.

Sorry that’s so long but I hope my experience provides some food for thought. It’s been quite cathartic to write!

This happened to me and we never did end up meeting (because of me). I remember he did try and lay down some ground rules about contact and that really left a bad taste in my mouth.