Page 4 | Considering contact with Father I have not met.

aredrosegrewup · 2025-04-01T14:32:31+00:00

Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I could only find a family planning section rather than a family section. I guess I'm after advice/stories from those who have considered or have actually gone through with locating and contacting a parent. My story is that I have no memory of my father as he left when I was a baby. My mother was young when she had me. I don't know much information other than his name and an old address. The only reason I know the old address is because it was on a child support letter that I found as a teenager. I don't know anything about him as everybody has refused to give me information over the years. We are a family that don't communicate or have hard conversations - big back story, won't go into it here yet. It's been playing on my mind a while now, I'm currently going through infertility/multiple pregnancy losses and started seeing a psychologist in January for therapy relating to the infertility/anxiety/depression etc... Due to all of the above, I have a lot on my mind, but this is currently at the forefront. I *think* I have found him on facebook, but I'm not 100% sure. Can anyone offer advice/experience/anything? Thank you for reading.

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 13:04

Iammatrix · 02/04/2025 11:50

This can often be a generational thing also. My parents divorced when I was about 8. My dad then moved to America, remarried and started a new family. He did make contact for a while and sent financial support but eventually this all stopped.

When I met my husband, he was keen to reach out to my dad, because he felt that I must be very like my dad because I am very different to the rest of my family (there most probably is some truth in that), but I did not want to.

Recently my sister said that she wanted to make contact and could we do it together. Again I said I did not want to. She managed to track him down on social media, I am not on any social media, myself, except obviously MN. She asked me if I would compose the email. I said I wouldn’t, I also told her that I didn’t think she should do it because he is old now and has adult children and grandchildren and I felt that the decision would overall be theirs now.

Anyway, then it was left, I thought, but my mum has recently told me that my sister did reach out and as I thought his adult children had made contact and told her that they did not want to have contact. Obviously my sister has not told me about this. One day I will ask her if she contacted them. I suppose she feels a little bit bad because I told her exactly how it would end. It’s not a matter of ‘I told you so’ though, she and I are not like that.

Why did I not want to make contact? For me personally I am and always have been content with my life and I couldn’t really see what trying to make contact would bring. Luckily mum and grandmother answered all the questions I had about him and their relationship so there are no hidden issues or feelings. I’m fine with that.

This is a long one…..Now to the next generation!
Me and my DDs dad split up when she was 3. He was a cheat and a lazy good for nothing, and I’m putting it mildly. In all of her life he has given £30 towards her upbringing. She is now in her 30s. Thankfully he wasn’t violent so no DV. I was glad to that he was out of our life and that I wasn’t part of his harem. But I never poisoned my DDs mind against him. About five years ago she said she wanted to make contact (she hadn’t seen him for about 25 years). I did all the digging and found him and left it to her. She is now in contact with him and all of his other children and they meet up for family occasions with the kids and spouses. I don’t get involved but I am happy for DD.

One thing I would say is that it was important for me that my daughter did not know the full details of my relationship with her dad. She was a child when we split up and from her perspective there is no baggage. And no, I do not consider this lying to her. It could have gone both ways. I do occasionally ask my grandchildren what is grandad like and they say they like him and that he is funny. He in my opinion is a very lucky man!

Thank you for sharing. I think the general theme is that you have to do it for your own reasons and accept that it might not go the way you imagine, and boundaries are also important. I understand why you would have kept that information from a young child and shared it later on. I'm 36 now, the last time I asked for information, I was in my teens and should probably have been given more information.

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Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 13:11

CheeseWisely · 02/04/2025 12:09

Ok, I’m back with a bit more time. Long story still quite long, my Dad walked out for the OW when I was 3 months old, without a backward glance. Lots of shitty moves ensued, agreed to continue paying the mortgage on our house, then suddenly stopped after 3 years with no word so we were evicted. Transferred his business into OW’s name and paid himself a pittance salary to minimise maintenance payments. Meanwhile married OW and had a Son. Tropical holidays, private school, everything he could want while we lived in a council house on benefits. At the time (80s) there was still a single parent family stigma where we lived so I experienced some bullying related to that.

When I was about 16 his parents died and left me a little money in their will, as they did for all their grandchildren. He as executor made no effort to find me, so his Brother did. I met my Uncle & cousin, then was offered to meet him. Curiosity drove me to it, and followed a series of awkward days out, first with him then him & his (awful) Wife who never hid her absolute hatred for me. They’d tell me all about what my half-brother was getting for Christmas while I received a token card with £50 in it, one year. He had to drop me off up the street from our house as his Wife wouldn’t allow him to stop the car outside (presumably in case my Mum came out and tried to lure him back?!?)

When I was 19 it was decided I should meet my then 17 year old brother. It was planned I’d go for the weekend. They told him I existed the day before I arrived. To say it didn’t go down well would be quite an understatement.

These awful awkward intermittent meetings limped on for a couple of years until the relationship with my half-bother and I had its own legs, at which time I decided I’d had enough of our parent. I had no feelings but anger for him, how he’d treated me, how’d he robbed both of us of a possible sibling relationship. I cut contact and have only seen him once since, at half-brother’s wedding. I politely blanked him throughout.

Half brother and I have built a nice relationship which is the only aspect of meeting him that I don’t regret. No shared childhood experience but an affection for each other none the less. The subject of our Dad simply isn’t discussed, nor does he discuss me with our Dad. We see each other a few times a year. He was a witness at our wedding.

My Dads wife (the OW) passed away a few years ago and I hear on the family grapevine that he’s since been lamenting his mistakes, crying, claiming he doesn’t understand why I don’t speak to him(!), using his Girlfriends social media to stalk mine etc. Got wind that I have a baby Son and sending messages through cousins that ‘Grandad loves him’. As far as I’m concerned it’s simply all come 40 years too late and if anything having my Son has only deepened my utter disdain for the type of Man that can walk out on his infant. He will never meet my Son. He doesn’t deserve to.

Sorry that’s so long but I hope my experience provides some food for thought. It’s been quite cathartic to write!

Thank you for coming back and telling your story! I'm glad you were able to develop a nice relationship with your half brother.

It sounds very frustrating that he is or was now doing all that for show after his wife died, on social media. I can't comprehend why people do that, all for pity perhaps? I'm glad it's been cathartic for you writing it out, I find it helps to do that with certainty things too.

I think for me, dealing with the infertility and pregnancy losses we've had, the baby is more than wanted and it brings up questions of how can anyone not want a baby, especially once it's here (very complex I know!), but was it immaturity or something else? I think that's the niggle! As mentioned, they were teens.

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Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 13:12

iamnotalemon · 02/04/2025 12:51

This happened to me and we never did end up meeting (because of me). I remember he did try and lay down some ground rules about contact and that really left a bad taste in my mouth.

So you sort of got a bad feeling before even meeting up?

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Iammatrix · 02/04/2025 13:30

The fact that you respond to every post shows what a deep and reflective person you are. And you’re right it is difficult to understand not wanting a baby once it’s here. I am so sorry to hear your experience. Please take from this that you are amazing and you have started a deeply emotional thread that has allowed us all to share our experiences which does in some way provide a little catharsis and show solidarity. Wishing you well!

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 14:11

Iammatrix · 02/04/2025 13:30

The fact that you respond to every post shows what a deep and reflective person you are. And you’re right it is difficult to understand not wanting a baby once it’s here. I am so sorry to hear your experience. Please take from this that you are amazing and you have started a deeply emotional thread that has allowed us all to share our experiences which does in some way provide a little catharsis and show solidarity. Wishing you well!

Thank you for that, that was lovely to read! I'm blown away by the amount of responses if I'm honest, I was expecting just a handful, but people have really opened up and been vulnerable which has been so helpful!

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Newgirls · 02/04/2025 14:13

Reading all this - it sounds like a good man would have stayed in your life somehow. A selfish one probably chose not to. I guess you are hoping that he will be lovely and full a gap but reality does sound very different.

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 14:19

Newgirls · 02/04/2025 14:13

Reading all this - it sounds like a good man would have stayed in your life somehow. A selfish one probably chose not to. I guess you are hoping that he will be lovely and full a gap but reality does sound very different.

You could be very right. I'm glad you worded it like that, it made me feel sad to read it because perhaps it's true deep down. There's a lot of thinking to do.

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RuthTopp · 02/04/2025 14:28

I have a friend who never knew her dad . Her mum and dad married on a whim after knowing each other for a short while . They met whilst he was training for his job and had come to Scotland .
When he went back to the UK her mum discovered she was pregnant and she contacted him to say she was and would be keeping it but no expectations on him.
When my friend was born her dad contacted her and asked to come to meet. Turned out they still had a connection and after a few more months married.
She moved with her baby down South and started a new life . When the baby was around two she did a flit and moved back to Scotland never telling him where she and baby were.
Friend grew up and only knew her dad's name , mum divorced him.
Her Mum died when friend was 30 and still didn't know anything about her dad.
Years passed and she took one of those dna tests and was getting lots of matches from France , one was close enough to be half sibling . She contacted them to find out the name she thought / was told was her father was incorrect and her father was actually a man who had been a student at her mother's local uni at the time.
She never knew if her mother knew the man she married was not her daughters father .

RuthTopp · 02/04/2025 14:30

Sorry posted too soon , her actual ( French father ) didn't want contact as he didn't know if her anyway and he,was on his 3rd wife but her half sibling and her are still in contact but not met .

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 14:37

RuthTopp · 02/04/2025 14:30

Sorry posted too soon , her actual ( French father ) didn't want contact as he didn't know if her anyway and he,was on his 3rd wife but her half sibling and her are still in contact but not met .

Oh wow! That's quite the complicated story! Is she in touch with the man her mother married?

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RuthTopp · 02/04/2025 15:39

No she heard he died ten years ago. She can't remember him anyway , but he is on her bc as her father.
I know so much as I helped her navigate all the info.

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 15:41

RuthTopp · 02/04/2025 15:39

No she heard he died ten years ago. She can't remember him anyway , but he is on her bc as her father.
I know so much as I helped her navigate all the info.

I bet that was all hard for her. It's nice that she is in touch with her half sibling, one good thing to come out of it all.

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Gettingbysomehow · 02/04/2025 15:47

I found mine through Ancestry DNA and he was not the man my mother had told me was my father so that was the first shock.
As he'd died some years earlier I contacted my brother who I didn't know I had by email.
I got a solicitors letter in return advising me that if I attempted to contact this family again the police would be notified as if I was some kind of stalker. All I'd done was to send an email.
That was unecessary, all I wanted was a photo. Maybe they were worried I was after my inheritance or something who knows.
Could be none of them had known I existed. He was a married man.
I'm in my 60's and it left me feeling sad and unwanted.

SoOxon · 02/04/2025 15:53

sometimes its better to let sleeping dogs lie …

Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 16:08

Gettingbysomehow · 02/04/2025 15:47

I found mine through Ancestry DNA and he was not the man my mother had told me was my father so that was the first shock.
As he'd died some years earlier I contacted my brother who I didn't know I had by email.
I got a solicitors letter in return advising me that if I attempted to contact this family again the police would be notified as if I was some kind of stalker. All I'd done was to send an email.
That was unecessary, all I wanted was a photo. Maybe they were worried I was after my inheritance or something who knows.
Could be none of them had known I existed. He was a married man.
I'm in my 60's and it left me feeling sad and unwanted.

I'm sorry to hear that and then finding out it was a different man to the one you always thought it was. It must have been hard to reach out and feel rejected all over again. It is a worry of mine.

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Original poster

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 16:09

SoOxon · 02/04/2025 15:53

sometimes its better to let sleeping dogs lie …

True! Not sure I'll be able to though.

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OVienna · 02/04/2025 17:00

@Gettingbysomehow my birth mother is very well off and I'm terrified that if i made contact I'd get the same sort of letter. I am doing OK with my mental.picture of who she is - there will always be part of me that wants to know more but I don't think I'd recover from a lawyers letter.

OVienna · 02/04/2025 17:02

@Gettingbysomehow btw- you are not alone. I haunt adoptee and NPE placed and this happens often enough.

OVienna · 02/04/2025 17:04

Imagine people thinking the police would do anything, following an email. How bloody entitled is that?!