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Original poster

Considering contact with Father I have not met.

94 replies

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:32

Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I could only find a family planning section rather than a family section.

I guess I'm after advice/stories from those who have considered or have actually gone through with locating and contacting a parent.

My story is that I have no memory of my father as he left when I was a baby. My mother was young when she had me. I don't know much information other than his name and an old address. The only reason I know the old address is because it was on a child support letter that I found as a teenager.

I don't know anything about him as everybody has refused to give me information over the years. We are a family that don't communicate or have hard conversations - big back story, won't go into it here yet.

It's been playing on my mind a while now, I'm currently going through infertility/multiple pregnancy losses and started seeing a psychologist in January for therapy relating to the infertility/anxiety/depression etc...

Due to all of the above, I have a lot on my mind, but this is currently at the forefront.

I think I have found him on facebook, but I'm not 100% sure.

Can anyone offer advice/experience/anything?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 17:24

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 17:12

Did they say they would have if you had more information? I think I know his rank and which tour he served on etc... I don't have his date of birth that's the only thing.

Show quote history

It’s 15 years ago now @aredrosegrewupso I’ll have to check back and see exactly why they refused, but from memory, it was because all I had was a name and if I’d had further information they would have been able to assist more.

I’ll post if i can check back at what they actually said x

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 17:25

HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 17:24

It’s 15 years ago now @aredrosegrewupso I’ll have to check back and see exactly why they refused, but from memory, it was because all I had was a name and if I’d had further information they would have been able to assist more.

I’ll post if i can check back at what they actually said x

Show quote history

Oh thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 17:26

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2025 17:24

Salvation Army have a family tracing service so I would contact them.

Ah do they? I didn't know that. Thank you!

OP posts:
Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 01/04/2025 18:11

The last time I saw my dad was around 6 years old. My parents had split up a few years prior and I had contact with him, but that started to get less and less until I realised I didn't see my dad anymore.

I actually knocked on his door in my early twenties and introduced myself. We meet up a few times after that, but there was no real effort on his part. I just don't think he was able for it, didn't know how to parent, as his childhood was pretty bad. It did hurt.

When I turned 29, he was tragically murdered. That's when I feel into a deep depression, as I felt abandoned all over again. It took me a few tears of therapy and holistic therapies to come back to myself.

I am happy that I got to reconnect. It connected the dots for the issues in my life. It also meant I could really move on and start healing.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 18:19

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 01/04/2025 18:11

The last time I saw my dad was around 6 years old. My parents had split up a few years prior and I had contact with him, but that started to get less and less until I realised I didn't see my dad anymore.

I actually knocked on his door in my early twenties and introduced myself. We meet up a few times after that, but there was no real effort on his part. I just don't think he was able for it, didn't know how to parent, as his childhood was pretty bad. It did hurt.

When I turned 29, he was tragically murdered. That's when I feel into a deep depression, as I felt abandoned all over again. It took me a few tears of therapy and holistic therapies to come back to myself.

I am happy that I got to reconnect. It connected the dots for the issues in my life. It also meant I could really move on and start healing.

Thank you so much for sharing. That's sounds so hard! I'm glad you were able to work through therapy and make peace with it all.

OP posts:
CheekySnake · 01/04/2025 19:18

I would say to take your time and really work through with a therapist that you're hoping to get from it. Chances are you will open a massive can of worms. I'm coming at this from a slightly different perspective - my parents had a child as teenagers who was put up for adoption. It was the big shameful secret in the family. She tracked my father down when I was in my early twenties. It didn't go well. By all accounts her adoptive parents were lovely, and I think it came as something of a shock to discover that her bio family was a mess of domestic violence and abuse. She very quickly cut contact and her husband told me I wasn't to try and get in touch with them again. To me it felt like she waltzed in, crapped on the floor, and then left it for other people to clean up. I understand her reasons but I think it was a shitty thing to do. What about my questions? What I wanted? FWIW when my father died he left everything to her and we got a gushing letter from her asking us to get in touch. Go figure.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 19:37

CheekySnake · 01/04/2025 19:18

I would say to take your time and really work through with a therapist that you're hoping to get from it. Chances are you will open a massive can of worms. I'm coming at this from a slightly different perspective - my parents had a child as teenagers who was put up for adoption. It was the big shameful secret in the family. She tracked my father down when I was in my early twenties. It didn't go well. By all accounts her adoptive parents were lovely, and I think it came as something of a shock to discover that her bio family was a mess of domestic violence and abuse. She very quickly cut contact and her husband told me I wasn't to try and get in touch with them again. To me it felt like she waltzed in, crapped on the floor, and then left it for other people to clean up. I understand her reasons but I think it was a shitty thing to do. What about my questions? What I wanted? FWIW when my father died he left everything to her and we got a gushing letter from her asking us to get in touch. Go figure.

Thank you for sharing your story and showing a different side to things. I really appreciate it.

Would it have been easier for you if you had have had the opportunity to speak to her and go through the detail?

OP posts:
CheekySnake · 01/04/2025 19:59

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 19:37

Thank you for sharing your story and showing a different side to things. I really appreciate it.

Would it have been easier for you if you had have had the opportunity to speak to her and go through the detail?

Show quote history

I did speak to her over the phone at the time, though we didn't meet in person. It was difficult. I tried to explain to her what had happened in the marriage. I tried, I suppose, to warn her about my father. It was probably the wrong thing to do. She wasn't prepared for any of it. I think the point I'm trying to make is that this won't just be about you. There will be other people with feelings and wants on the other side who won't get any say over what may be the equivalent of someone throwing a hand grenade into their lives. She had all the power and I had none. She got decent parents when I got the shit ones. When she didn't like the family she was able to dump us without hesitation. And then she got the money on top. 😐

amiadoormat · 01/04/2025 20:00

is there absolutely no way of getting information from your mother or her family? Ask them why they refuse to give information?

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 20:23

CheekySnake · 01/04/2025 19:59

I did speak to her over the phone at the time, though we didn't meet in person. It was difficult. I tried to explain to her what had happened in the marriage. I tried, I suppose, to warn her about my father. It was probably the wrong thing to do. She wasn't prepared for any of it. I think the point I'm trying to make is that this won't just be about you. There will be other people with feelings and wants on the other side who won't get any say over what may be the equivalent of someone throwing a hand grenade into their lives. She had all the power and I had none. She got decent parents when I got the shit ones. When she didn't like the family she was able to dump us without hesitation. And then she got the money on top. 😐

Edited
Show quote history

That sounds really difficult, thanks for sharing. I was thinking about just getting in touch with him and him alone initially to try and minimise any potential disruption. Leave the ball in his court to navigate other potential family members. I don't know what other family he does or doesn't have.

OP posts:
Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 20:25

amiadoormat · 01/04/2025 20:00

is there absolutely no way of getting information from your mother or her family? Ask them why they refuse to give information?

I have at various points over the years. We have a difficult relationship. I would also prefer them to not know I'm doing this currently as well.

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 02/04/2025 07:49

Hi @aredrosegrewup, before my mid 20s I’d last seen my bio father as a tiny baby, unlike you I’ve always known who he was and I spent time with my Grandmother and Uncle on that side of the family growing up.

I met my father for the first time at my Grandmother’s funeral, I felt very sorry for my Uncle as he had to facilitate the meeting as well as deal with his Mum’s death. After my Grandmother died, there was a few emails back and forth between my father and me just to have made initial contact before the actual funeral. In it he was very upbeat and looking forward to meeting, he was a little full on. My Uncle asked him to tone it down slightly as it was quite full on for me so soon. He took a step back, we then met at the funeral, it was quite awkward for obvious reasons. Meeting for the first time in a room full of strangers, at a wake is not ideal! In hindsight it should have been planned differently.

Afterwards I tried to keep in contact via email, however it was always me making the first move. He wasn’t overly interested in my life at all, in fact he was far more interested in asking about my Mother which hurt a lot. Growing up I’d felt very rejected growing up without a Dad, it hurt all over again being essentially rejected as an adult. After years of trying and feeling pretty rejected after each brief email exchange I finally felt I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I sent a final email explaining how much the rejection hurt me, so I wouldn’t be making contact again. I said he had my contact details and was free to contact me if he ever decided he’d like to build a relationship with me. I then deleted his number and email address, so that I couldn’t just have the urge to try again. 4 years later I haven’t heard a single peep out of him. To be honest I made my peace with it after sending the final email. I chose to be strong and no longer let him affect me.

Sorry for the long rambling post, I suppose what I’m trying to say by sharing my story is be careful and go into it with no expectations. Guard your heart and be prepared for rejection. In your situation I’d still try, in someways I think never knowing would be worse, however emotionally be prepared for him not to want contact. If it doesn’t work out, or even if it does be prepared to feel all the emotions. It can be intense at times and it will dredge up feelings you’d thought you’d buried in childhood. Having some counselling for yourself at the same time might be really beneficial.

Good luck and I hope it goes well for you ☺️❤️

angsty · 02/04/2025 08:02

I tracked down my bio father about twenty-five years ago. It took another fifteen years before I summoned up the frame of mind to contact him. He ignored the contact completely. I suppose I have dodged a bullet in that such a rude/avoidant person would be unlikely to be a positive addition to my life, but it did hurt.

I did tell myself it might have been such a shock finding out about me (I had no idea at that stage whether he knew I existed) that he didn't feel able to reply. But in the last couple of years I have discovered (through relatives of his whom I have connected with via Ancestry DNA) that he did know I existed when I was a baby. So he is not someone I could admire, to be sure. The relatives I have been in contact with are lovely people. He clearly isn't, but I have just let it go.

Do have a think about what your feelings would be if he totally ignored the attempt at contact, as mine did.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 08:42

Inthedeep · 02/04/2025 07:49

Hi @aredrosegrewup, before my mid 20s I’d last seen my bio father as a tiny baby, unlike you I’ve always known who he was and I spent time with my Grandmother and Uncle on that side of the family growing up.

I met my father for the first time at my Grandmother’s funeral, I felt very sorry for my Uncle as he had to facilitate the meeting as well as deal with his Mum’s death. After my Grandmother died, there was a few emails back and forth between my father and me just to have made initial contact before the actual funeral. In it he was very upbeat and looking forward to meeting, he was a little full on. My Uncle asked him to tone it down slightly as it was quite full on for me so soon. He took a step back, we then met at the funeral, it was quite awkward for obvious reasons. Meeting for the first time in a room full of strangers, at a wake is not ideal! In hindsight it should have been planned differently.

Afterwards I tried to keep in contact via email, however it was always me making the first move. He wasn’t overly interested in my life at all, in fact he was far more interested in asking about my Mother which hurt a lot. Growing up I’d felt very rejected growing up without a Dad, it hurt all over again being essentially rejected as an adult. After years of trying and feeling pretty rejected after each brief email exchange I finally felt I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I sent a final email explaining how much the rejection hurt me, so I wouldn’t be making contact again. I said he had my contact details and was free to contact me if he ever decided he’d like to build a relationship with me. I then deleted his number and email address, so that I couldn’t just have the urge to try again. 4 years later I haven’t heard a single peep out of him. To be honest I made my peace with it after sending the final email. I chose to be strong and no longer let him affect me.

Sorry for the long rambling post, I suppose what I’m trying to say by sharing my story is be careful and go into it with no expectations. Guard your heart and be prepared for rejection. In your situation I’d still try, in someways I think never knowing would be worse, however emotionally be prepared for him not to want contact. If it doesn’t work out, or even if it does be prepared to feel all the emotions. It can be intense at times and it will dredge up feelings you’d thought you’d buried in childhood. Having some counselling for yourself at the same time might be really beneficial.

Good luck and I hope it goes well for you ☺️❤️

Edited

Thank you for sharing that. That must have been hard to meet him in the way that you did, you must have been strong!

It's definitely something I'm going to think about properly before diving in. I just always wonder how they get on with their daily lives with it in the back of their mind, but they must just manage to bury it deeply. I'll definitely discuss it in therapy first.

OP posts:
Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 08:45

angsty · 02/04/2025 08:02

I tracked down my bio father about twenty-five years ago. It took another fifteen years before I summoned up the frame of mind to contact him. He ignored the contact completely. I suppose I have dodged a bullet in that such a rude/avoidant person would be unlikely to be a positive addition to my life, but it did hurt.

I did tell myself it might have been such a shock finding out about me (I had no idea at that stage whether he knew I existed) that he didn't feel able to reply. But in the last couple of years I have discovered (through relatives of his whom I have connected with via Ancestry DNA) that he did know I existed when I was a baby. So he is not someone I could admire, to be sure. The relatives I have been in contact with are lovely people. He clearly isn't, but I have just let it go.

Do have a think about what your feelings would be if he totally ignored the attempt at contact, as mine did.

Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry it didn't turn out to be positive. It's definitely something I'll have to be prepared for. Do you feel overall better that you did it or do you wish you hadn't bothered?

OP posts:
Macaroon2025 · 02/04/2025 09:12

aredrosegrewup · 01/04/2025 15:32

Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I could only find a family planning section rather than a family section.

I guess I'm after advice/stories from those who have considered or have actually gone through with locating and contacting a parent.

My story is that I have no memory of my father as he left when I was a baby. My mother was young when she had me. I don't know much information other than his name and an old address. The only reason I know the old address is because it was on a child support letter that I found as a teenager.

I don't know anything about him as everybody has refused to give me information over the years. We are a family that don't communicate or have hard conversations - big back story, won't go into it here yet.

It's been playing on my mind a while now, I'm currently going through infertility/multiple pregnancy losses and started seeing a psychologist in January for therapy relating to the infertility/anxiety/depression etc...

Due to all of the above, I have a lot on my mind, but this is currently at the forefront.

I think I have found him on facebook, but I'm not 100% sure.

Can anyone offer advice/experience/anything?

Thank you for reading.

I had a similar situation where I hadn’t met my dad or his family and it was never spoken about. I’d always tried looking for him but had no luck. A few years ago I decided to try again and after quite a lot of digging I started to put together this new family and after a lot of messaging people I thought could be related that wasn’t I eventually found my ‘new family’
For me it’s been a great experience and they have welcomed me with open arms and we speak and meet regularly.
I feel that for my whole life I was missing something and meeting them answered a lot of questions about myself etc.
It isn’t going to be for everyone and some people will have bad experiences but mine has been amazing and I’m glad I did it.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 09:15

Macaroon2025 · 02/04/2025 09:12

I had a similar situation where I hadn’t met my dad or his family and it was never spoken about. I’d always tried looking for him but had no luck. A few years ago I decided to try again and after quite a lot of digging I started to put together this new family and after a lot of messaging people I thought could be related that wasn’t I eventually found my ‘new family’
For me it’s been a great experience and they have welcomed me with open arms and we speak and meet regularly.
I feel that for my whole life I was missing something and meeting them answered a lot of questions about myself etc.
It isn’t going to be for everyone and some people will have bad experiences but mine has been amazing and I’m glad I did it.

Show quote history

Thank you for sharing, I'm so glad you had a positive experience! Did he know about you before you made contact?

OP posts:
OVienna · 02/04/2025 09:22

@CheekySnake@aredrosegrewup OP I am adopted and found my bio father a few years ago. It was very traumatic. He hadn't had any other children and thought he could step in as my Dad seamlessly after 50 years. It was a very tricky situation i had to walk away from. I was very conscious of what CheekySnake says which is you can leave a bit of a mess behind if you decide it isn't what you want. In my case while I feel guilty I had never been more certain of anything than the relationship couldn't continue. But be aware it could take a lot out of you. I am not sure if I regret doing it. I think it would have been easier for my birth dad if I hadn't turned up.

Macaroon2025 · 02/04/2025 09:28

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 09:15

Thank you for sharing, I'm so glad you had a positive experience! Did he know about you before you made contact?

Show quote history

Thanks, he was aware of me and apparently tried to make contact but was then told not to. So apparently him and his family left alone.
I’ll be honest I didn’t want to dig into what what happened but I know something did on my mums side that was traumatic and it was bad timing.
I guess I didn’t want to have any resentment towards either side and thought everything happens for a reason. He’s got another family now and if it didn’t happen then that might not of happened so it sort of worked out.
am I gutted I missed out on over 30 years of a relationship with them yes but they are in my life now which I’m happy about.

OVienna · 02/04/2025 09:29

You can't just put people back in their box, so to speak.

I do believe it is your right to reach out. But other people can end up feeling their "rights" have been trod on too, if that makes sense.

Inthedeep · 02/04/2025 10:01

aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 08:42

Thank you for sharing that. That must have been hard to meet him in the way that you did, you must have been strong!

It's definitely something I'm going to think about properly before diving in. I just always wonder how they get on with their daily lives with it in the back of their mind, but they must just manage to bury it deeply. I'll definitely discuss it in therapy first.

Show quote history

I’m so glad you are going to discuss it in therapy first, that hopefully will really help you. I was lucky in that my father hadn’t had any more children, I think I would have found that harder. Maybe do as much online stalking as you can first so you have some idea about his current situation if you can.

Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 10:06

OVienna · 02/04/2025 09:29

You can't just put people back in their box, so to speak.

I do believe it is your right to reach out. But other people can end up feeling their "rights" have been trod on too, if that makes sense.

Yeah it does make a lot of sense. It's conflicting, like you say it's my right to reach out and on some level he must be expecting it at some point but, the potential aftermath for other people is also worth considering.

OP posts:
Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 10:07

Inthedeep · 02/04/2025 10:01

I’m so glad you are going to discuss it in therapy first, that hopefully will really help you. I was lucky in that my father hadn’t had any more children, I think I would have found that harder. Maybe do as much online stalking as you can first so you have some idea about his current situation if you can.

Show quote history

Yeah, there's really not much to go off I'll keep digging.

OP posts:
Original poster
aredrosegrewup · 02/04/2025 10:09

Macaroon2025 · 02/04/2025 09:28

Thanks, he was aware of me and apparently tried to make contact but was then told not to. So apparently him and his family left alone.
I’ll be honest I didn’t want to dig into what what happened but I know something did on my mums side that was traumatic and it was bad timing.
I guess I didn’t want to have any resentment towards either side and thought everything happens for a reason. He’s got another family now and if it didn’t happen then that might not of happened so it sort of worked out.
am I gutted I missed out on over 30 years of a relationship with them yes but they are in my life now which I’m happy about.

Show quote history

Yeah it's probably a good idea to go into it neutrally and then be able to work things out and hear an unfiltered version of events. I am envious of "normal" families that don't have to consider any of this, but such is life!

OP posts:
Blistory · 02/04/2025 10:10

I made contact with mine solely for the reason that I thought I'd regret it if I didn't.

I was fortunate enough that I had a happy childhood and plenty of family around. My biological father had an affair whilst married with children and whilst he saw me once, that was it. I wasn't looking for a new family but simply answers/information.

I left it for years to make contact via a family member and it was brought on by the realisation that at his age, he could have died or was likely to do so in the next few years. As it happens, he called me straight away and quite frankly there just wasn't the shared history for me to overlook how unlikeable I found him. His children didn't know about me although his wife did before they divorced. I didn't experience any desire to meet these people who were technically my siblings and found that I had no curiosity about them. We left it that if he wanted to keep in touch, he would have to tell them as I wasn't prepared to be a dirty secret again but I also told him that I thought telling them would be a mistake as they would probably feel betrayed/let down whatever and I wasn't prepared to step in as a replacement daughter if his own walked away from him.

It turns out that the man who was able to cheat on his wife and abandon his baby daughter whilst pretending to his own children that he was a great dad, was exactly the kind of man that I didn't want in my life. The intervening 40 years hadn't fixed any of those original personality flaws and I came to the conclusion that having him in any part of my life would be a complete ball ache.

No regrets about contacting him but equally no regrets about moving on and never really thinking about him again.