Ex wont leave, is making my life miserable and child protection services involved

[EspressoMartini33]

Four months ago I asked my partner of 15 years to separate. We have two young children and a mortgage.
Throughout month one, he wouldnt engage in any conversation with me about separating. He shut me down or became extremely verbally abusive towards me.
I started to communicate with him (about the separation) via email. I detailed that I wanted it to be amicable, that I wanted to co-parent, but ultimately the relationship was over and we needed to sort the house. I offered to buy him out of the house.
Side note: I have been financially supporting with all outgoings for our family for a year - mortgage, food, childcare, fuel, clothes, holidays, phone bills, gym memberships - everything.
I decided in February to stop supporting his personal finances; car, gym, phone.
He turned even more emotionally abusive - including telling my children that he wanted me to 'burn in hell' and that I am breaking up the family and destroying their lives. He's even told them that when I tell them I love them, I dont mean it.
I have a lot of this recorded.
I told the school.
The school called Child Protection Services (CPS).
Since then, my children are on a Child Protection Plan as they at risk of emotional abuse. The CPS say whilst we continue to live together our children are at risk.
His family live in a big house, 30 mins away. My family live 2 hours away.
I ask him to talk about the children, given the situation, he turns abusive again, telling me that he wont allow me to buy him out of the house (that I pay for) and he will only consider selling 'when he is ready' and that he will only do this option as he wants me to suffer and see the pain in the childrens eyes when we all leave our family home.
CPS at one point saw him for the type of man he is, however in our latest conference, they stated we are both 'decent human beings' that just need to sit and sort this out.
In the meantime I have spent £5k on legal advice. My solicitor was mid writing a letter to him asking him to think about house options, then once the CPS were involved they told me to change tact and apply for an urgent occupation order (OO) Which I did. What my solicitor didnt advise is that OO's are incredibly hard to get granted.
They told me I must do it to demonstrate to the CPS that I am doing everything in my power to protect my children. I told the CPS, but they didnt seem too phased or supportive of this.
My solicitor has billed me for the letter than never reached my ex and are now telling me I must continue pushing the courts for the OO.

I don't know what to do....

I am still paying for this man. He is making mine and the children's lives a misery. He plays up to the CPS, then when we get home he's horrible to me again.

I am hoping someone has been through this kind of thing before and can help me.

Am I months away from freedom? Is there anything else I should be doing?

I feel like I am being held hostage in my own life.

can you afford all of these solicitors fees? It sounds expensive and the last thing you need is to incur any debt in your situation. I can’t believe the police and social services are basically turning a blind eye to your situation. It’s domestic abuse. I would contact the police and speak to somebody in the department who specialises in domestic abuse. State very clearly you are suffering from domestic abuse and you would like your partner removed from the house or go to a dv shelter because he could escalate to domestic violence soon when things don’t go his way. I think you should take a mortgage holiday, rent somewhere and put the house on the market.

Follow through with an occupation order. They do get granted, you need one asap. Also, get a divorce as soon as you can if you are married.

he wouldn't ever give me the satisfaction of hurting me. The second he becomes physical I have a very obvious case against him. I cant allow myself to think about the other thing you mentioned.

Def contact womens aid.they are used to this . Please dont underestimate the danger of this man.

If he's not bothered about his children and just wants you to suffer you need to be careful. Sounds like a classic case of a man with not much else to lose who kills his children just to get revenge on His ex.

They're not often given out because it's depriving someone of their home. As I said above, you can apply for free.

A non Molestation Order means he has to refrain from certain behaviour around you but you need advice on your options.

The best place to get advice is either from a DV organisation or from a solicitor. FLOWS and Rights of Women can give free legal advice on your options.

You should get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation because they will evaluate your safety and help you come up with a safety plan. You may also need evidence regarding contact.

You can contact Refuge via webchat until 10pm or your local organisation will be on your council website.

God it's a nightmare, my exH persecuted me for 5 years even breaking into my new home and assaulting me. The police and courts were absolutely useless.
Eventually after 5 years of this a new judge granted me full custody with no contact with DSs father and he ran away abroad to avoid CMS which was a massive relief.
We got plenty of "you are both adults", no I was the only adult here.
So we got there in the end after both of us got PTSD.

Have you seen this organisation. They are good!

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/about-ncdv/

Sorry another long copy and paste .. my dd had support from theses people they were fantastic and really fight her corner for her . They made sure mo one fobbed her of. That she had all her rights attended to and she got the support she was entitled to . And advocate for her so people could take the piss.

Sorry I coukd find hos to link it . Someone else may be able to.

AI Overview

+5

An Independent Domestic Violence Advocate (IDVA) is a specialist who provides emotional and practical support to victims of domestic violence, focusing on their safety and empowerment, often working with them from the point of crisis and throughout the process of seeking justice and safety.

Here's a more detailed explanation of what IDVAs do:
Focus on Safety:
IDVAs prioritize the safety of victims and survivors of domestic violence, working to reduce the risk posed by the perpetrator.

Crisis Support:
They often work with victims from the point of crisis, such as after a police call-out or a medical visit following an attack.

Risk Assessment and Safety Planning:
IDVAs assess the level of risk faced by victims and help them develop safety plans, considering various options and resources.

Empowerment and Support:
They provide emotional and practical support, empowering victims to make safe choices and navigate the system.

Liaison with Professionals:
IDVAs liaise with other professionals, such as police, courts, and social services, on behalf of the victim, ensuring coordinated support.

Court Support:
They can accompany victims to court, provide information and support during court proceedings, and help victims contribute to reports and sentencing recommendations.

Ongoing Assistance:
IDVAs can offer ongoing assistance after court proceedings have ended, helping survivors move forward with their lives with greater confidence and peace of mind.

Specialized Training:
IDVAs receive specialized training to enhance their practical knowledge of domestic violence and how to provide the best possible support for victims, survivors and their children.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. It sounds like absolute hell.

What have the police said about the 2 matters you reported to them ? Is there a crime and if so what are they doing about it? Ideally they could arrest him and bail him to a different address and that would be a way around the lack of OO. He could have bail conditions added not to come to the address or contact you directly / indirectly. There’s a possibility of offences of emotional abuse towards the children or possibly coercive control ( although I’m just guessing based on your OP). You haven’t said why he is not paying any of the bills - did he refuse or is he not working ?

You aren’t a lawyer, are you, ForthElephants, so why are you pontificating on something you know nothing about?

You absolutely can get a non-molestation order without an occupation order. In fact, this is what often happens. In the situation OP finds herself, she should apply for both. On the basis of what she has said here, I think it likely that she would get a non-molestation order, but that a further hearing would be required before an occupation order would be made. A return hearing would be necessary to see whether her ex would oppose the making of these orders.

A non-molestation order does mean that he has to refrain from certain behaviours, but it can also mean that he stays away from certain places, notably the family home. It can and often is used to keep an abuser out of a home he co-owns.

The word “molestation” covers abuse that falls short of physical abuse.

Good grief - it really upsets me when I see people who don’t have a bloody clue trying to give legal advice on such important matters, particularly when the welfare of children is at stake.

Please contact Women’s Aid. Through them you can speak to a solicitor specialised in domestic abuse and you can get free legal aid too. Sorry for the difficult situation you are in.

I love this idea! So sorry you’re going through this OP. Yes he will retaliate but hopefully the courts will see through that. Keep going, it will be so much better when he is gone. If you have texts etc of his threats screenshot them.

Thank you. Thankfully I have messages, emails and voice recordings of the abuse.

His children come second to wanting to cause my extreme amounts of emotional pain. Not that he’d ever tell anyone other than me that

My understanding was op could apply for this . Infact I am also sure that a lady who posted on MN had got non molestation order granted while living with her dh and he couldn’t return.

When I commented I was fine to be corrected but thats good that op can infact apply for one.

I love the idea of getting a family member or friend to move in. It would totally shift the balance of power, give you some much needed support and mean he'd be much less likely to abuse you. You haven't commented on this suggestion though- do you not think it would work?

How do you misread the entire point of the thread, and the title?

Do you have anything useful or supportive to add to the thread or is this your 'thing'?

Sorry I completely missed the comment.
to be honest it’s not something that crossed my mind. It’s something worth thinking about for sure. I’d just need to think who……

If he physically hurts you call the police to remove him immediately

I second the idea about getting someone else to move in.

Also, have you considered making it more uncomfortable for him to be there? Locks on the fridge and cupboards to prevent him taking your food, removing WiFi, taking the TV out of the lounge etc.

You'll probably want to remove anything of sentimental value from the house first. If he did get angry and smash the place up, you'd have the arrest and evidence necessary to get him barred from the property.

@EspressoMartini33 - it is a shame you didn’t get the advice about the occupation order (they are very hard to get) but it does show the efforts you’re making to get rid of him and that’s helpful. You could still apply for a non-mol which regulates his behaviour to you in the house. You can represent yourself. If you speak to the NCDV they can help you with this. But for practical purposes for now, I completely agree with the advice of getting a friend or relative to move in if there’s anyone who can. That will change the balance of power. You can start divorce proceedings. Your house may need to be sold to get him out which will take time and is really unfortunate but it may be the only way to reclaim your power.