Kids adjusting to new partner’s kids

[YourRealSwan]

How can you help your kids adjust to a new partner’s dc? My dc are 12 &15 and partners are 6, 11 &13. For the most part they do ok with the older two but are struggling with the youngest. She is very loud full on, and unfortunately lacks a lot of self restraint, never had any rules or discipline. My partner’s ex is trying to demand we have the kids 50/50, I have mine 12 nights a fortnight. Mine are not liking that idea. I have said it would get better and that I am entitled to happiness too… but how do you manage and adjust or is it just all in the too hard basket?

Your kids have to come first ahead of the convenience of you and your partner. If that means living separately, or at least giving them several years to get to know each other, then so be it.

Well this is a new partner and you have DC so I presume you are just dating - why would your DC even have to meet his DC?

You are not entitled to happines at the expense of your kids' happiness. No.

You can't force random kids to like another set of random kids just because you're dating their parent.

Why do they need to meet / get on?

Would you actually be happy in that situation, knowing your decision has made your kids miserable?
You can give no assurance it would get better. It could absolutely get worse.

Why do they have to even meet or spend time with each other?

Why is he failing his young child by having no rules or discipline?

Indeed.

How new is new, and are you implying that you live together already?

Your kids are totally powerless in this, and get no control over who they live with. Why would you force this on them?

How new is this partner?

My partner’s ex is trying to demand we have the kids 50/50

Do you already live together? If not, it’s not a ‘we’ situation. And why does she need to ‘demand’ he has his own kids half the time? Does he not want to have them?

How new is this relationship?

You live separately is the answer.

Lots of questions before we can give answers.
How long have you been in a relationship and do you live together.
Ultimately though, if your dc aren't happy then it doesn't happen.

The ex is trying to demand their dad has them 50/50?

You mean she's actually wanting him to step up and be a parent? what a shocker. Obviously this doesn't work for you so you'd like him to see his kids less to make your life easier.

You're not entitled to happiness at the expense of your children's stability in their own home. Give your head a wobble.

I suspect all the kids in this situation are going to be miserable at the expense of the adults happiness. 🙄

How new a relationship are we talking? If you’ve been together 5+ years and are planning to get married and spend the rest of your lives together then fair enough sensitively introducing the idea of living together and trying to find a way to make it work for all of the children involved, but on the understanding that the children’s welfare is paramount and if it is not working out then you need to step back until they are older.

If you mean new partner as in actually new (like less than a year) then why have your children even met his? Your responsibility as a parent is to protect your children from more upheaval than absolutely necessary as a fall out of your relationship with their dad breaking down, and introducing new partners in a step parent role is something to be done with great care years after the relationship has been established, and thinking very carefully about whether living together is in your children’s best interests. As a parent you are only entitled to happiness that does not come at the expense of your children’s happiness and wellbeing.

Why would he not have his kids half the time? Thats the bare minimum he can do as a parent.

You see each other when you don’t have the kids is the answer.

How long have you been together? How long have you lived together?

Frankly, I think that moving in with this many kids between you without being very clear in advance on how this will look and how everyone will feel is a mistake. It's all very well saying you deserve to be happy too, and no one would disagree with that, but this is a MAJOR disruption to your children's lives and they have the right to be unhappy about it.

Well he's a new partner so obviously you won't be living together for a good few years as you both need space for you and DC. There is no 'we' about this, they are his DC, he needs to parent them 50 50, you can meet him for dates when he doesn't have his DC. And your DC don't have to meet him or his DC if they don't want to.

How can you help your kids adjust to a new partner’s dc?
I don't think you can really. They just have to put up with them unfortunately.

He should have them 50/50 but that doesn’t involve you or your kids? Unless you’ve already moved in with him?

Blended families don’t work. Do not move in with this man. You can be happy without forcing 5kids who don’t want to live together to live together. He can stay at yours on his 50% off. Plenty of time.

This is a new relationship so there is no need to even be thinking about co-habiting yet, let alone talking to your dc about it and telling them it's going to happen because you 'deserve happiness too.'

How long have you been dating?

”We have been asked to have them 50/50” implies that you cohabit. Is this the case? If so, what was the agreement before moving in together? Which children would live in your home, and for what % of time?

What was the previous setup? Did he used to have his kids 50/50, but put that on hold when he moved in with you? If so, the XW may have a point. But if he’s never had them 50/50, why is the XW wanting to dictate who lives in your home? Is everyone expecting his child rearing duties to fall to the nearest female to DP, and to also increase significantly?

You don't. See him without your kids. At 12 and 15 they can be left alone for a few hours in the evening so you can see him more than 2 days out of 14 if you want.

Why wouldn't he have his kids 50% of the time if he's with yours 90% of the time?